Defenses

It's been a year since Sam and I first met up in Dallas, and he's here again to visit me. We had slated this trip to be one in which we'd have a discussion about the state of our relationship. I went into it with pretty high hopes - feeling like we've had bumps and bruises but we have worked through them together and that things are better - and also an assumption he understood where I wanted our relationship to go eventually.

The talk with sort of disastrous. I mean, we remained calm and clarified things, so from that standpoint it was good. But he made it very clear that he had never seriously considered us living together as a future state of our relationship ever. In all the time I feel like we've talked about where we might live in the future and me explicitly offering to help him financially if he were to move in with me back in Tasmania in December, I couldn't believe he had no idea that that's what I wanted. I still sort of don't believe it. I mean, I trust him - I made a promise to myself a long while ago to trust his words because he does seem genuinely honest. So what does that mean then? Was he just not listening to me all those times? Or understanding me? It's ironic and would be funny if it wasn't so hurtful, that although we speak the same language, we rarely speak the same language.

He was good about asking for time to think about it and asked me where my "red line" was - which I confirmed that not living together ever would mean we'd have to end things. We agreed to make a decision on that one way or another by the end of the year. He also asked if we should wait until he's made his decision before talking about it again, or if I'd prefer to have check in discussions even if he hadn't yet made up his mind. I told him I'd prefer the check ins.

Honestly, though, I was sort of devastated. The idea that he could be happy with this arrangement and not want more had never really occurred to me - at least not when I felt reassured about our relationship. Sometimes, especially when he doesn't text me or make time for a call for me for a while, or he drops these ugly surprises on me that he's made plans that take away from my time with him, the insecurities creep in and I wonder if he's just using me for fun vacays.

After having that convo, I think it's more clear than ever that he values me in exactly the way things are. But the idea of living together or meeting his family is still years off in his mind, if ever. And I am not okay with that.

We left the discussion with the decision that he'd make up his mind this year and we'd talk. But when he asked me if I was okay I tried explaining to him that I was agreeable but not happy with that result.

There was a minor thing that happened a couple days before. We were sitting on the couch just chatting and catching up and I remembered that I wanted to show him photos and a video of the full circular rainbow I had seen from the plane coming back from Poland. I showed him and he insisted it wasn't real - that it was just an illusion caused by a blemish in the window. I insisted that no, this is definitely a phenomenon that can happen in the sky like that, rainbows are full circles, we just don't see the other half because of the horizon of the ground. But from above, you can see it. He didn't believe it and basically just insisted it wasn't real, just an illusion. I later looked it up and told him today that I confirmed it is a thing people see in the airplanes and sometimes high up on mountains, and it has a name of the phenomenon and everything. He just kind of shrugged it off, not admitting how interesting it was (even though we both usually appreciate that sort of thing) and not admitting he was wrong. Not a big deal, but then…

We were browsing stuff to watch and he suggested we watch the SNL skit about White Lotus since we had just finished the last episode of White Lotus together. I was agreeable but while he was navigating with the remote, I told him I had it on YouTube TV but he still started searching on YouTube, and then some pop up came up about having to start a free trial that would lead to a paid subscription. He claims he hit, "No thanks" but all I saw was that it went away, and I tried navigating away so that we could watch it on YouTube TV which I already had paid for and I already had SNL recorded on. He started yelling and arguing with me and made a big deal about it. I just wasn't sure and preferred to watch it the way I knew was already covered. He ended up storming off and so did I. I wasn't even really sure what we were mad about - it just felt to me like he always thinks he's right about everything - like the rainbow from the plane - and maybe THIS thing he was right about but he isn't right about everything and why does he have to yell at me and gaslight me and make me feel like I’m wrong all the time?

We got in a little exchange earlier today, too. He wakes up so much later than me, which is fine, but then he has to have his cereal even we planned to go get breakfast, which we did for today - we were planning to go to the Biscuit Bar. But it was pretty rainy this morning so I suggested maybe we didn't go out and then he wanted to sit and watch something so I had suggested the White Lotus season finale since he had wanted to watch that together. He agreed and we put it on, but half way through he started getting antsy because the sun had come out. He decided he wanted to go do his walk then, and because I had a migraine, he told me to rest, even though I had told him multiple times that napping or going back to bed doesn't actually help the migraine at all. It was irritating for a few reasons to me, for one, I don't like being told what to do, especially something that isn't helpful. But also, with the sun coming out, I was thinking that would be a great time to go to the Biscuit Bar at the Stockyards, where he would get some steps anyways. I don't mind that he wants to do these walks on his own, that's sort of his thing, but they're usually later in the evening when I'm sort of tuckered out and don't want to do much anyways. Here I was, sitting around all morning, waiting for him to be ready to go and for the rain to stop, and he was suggesting leaving me to do nothing for an hour or more. I decided to tell him my thoughts, and once again, we had one of those exchanges, I don't think I'd call them fights, but we go back and forth because I don't feel like he understands me and it's like he's giving me the answer based on his understanding. He sometimes interrupts me or badgers me when I'm trying to think of how to respond without being crazy emotional or whatever. But that just makes it worse because he fills the air with all his words and why he's right and doesn't give me the space I need to say my piece. After I finally got to explain to him my feelings, he agreed we should get ready and go to the Biscuit Bar instead. Then I just felt like a pouty child who cries until she gets her way. That's not my intention and I certainly don’t want to come off like that. I think part of it is that I like having a plan and following the plan, even with some flexibility for circumstances. But when the plan changes without my consent, that unnerves me. It throws me into a spiral.

It's so strange to me that we keep having these exchanges because he also likes to say how chill of a guy he is. But this is not chill. The TV blow up thing was definitely not chill. He always encourages me to talk through things when I'm unhappy, but then he doesn't seem to listen fully, he gets defensive and explains why he's right and all that, instead of just letting me explain what's upsetting me and collaborating with me to come up with a compromise. It usually ends with his way or my way, to be fair I often get my way, but it's not because I'm right or because I make it too hard for him to disagree, it's like he just gives in but makes me feel like shit about it.

I don't know. I feel like today, I've had my guard up a little. Like, I'm more keen to key off of the things that are bad about him and our relationship. I feel like I'm mentally and emotionally trying to sever my feelings for him because I'm now afraid in a way that I wasn't before. I'm afraid that he's going to say he doesn't want to live with me or to love me or to marry me or to be my boyfriend. He's going to decide that and I will have no option but to break up with him because I clearly am not satisfied with the way things are. I want my happily ever after and I'm willing to pay a lot for that, but it needs to be with us living on the same side of the planet.

And obviously, fighting him internally and externally isn't going to help him decide he wants to be with me every day. Am I sabotaging the relationship so that I can have control of how it ends? Or have I been minimizing these obvious problems we have because I wanted to believe in a future with him?

He started this analogy a few days ago about how owning cats teaches you consent because cats don't follow commands, whereas dog owners must be controlling and that's why they own dogs. But it seems to me like he treats me - with all due respect to myself - like a dog. That is, he tells me what to do and if I don't do it, he tries to coax me into it, like a dog owner might do using a treat as incentive to comply. Whereas I feel like I treat him more like a cat, he wants to go do his own thing, I let him, he wants to not be touched, I let him, he wants to put his feet on my lap instead of holding me, I let him. I don't like it, but he defines the amount of time we spend together and the amount of touching I'm allowed. So aren't I the cat owner and he the dog owner?

I shared my concerns with him, about how he's very critical of me, and about how I couldn't reconcile our past conversations with him not understanding that living together was a future must for me. He did that weird thing where he reassured me that he had, in fact, understood that, but explained it away. It was something about how he didn't realize the timeline - the future is a future problem so why think about it now? I guess is what I took away from his perspective.

So I don't really know where that leaves me. I was very unhappy initially, and considering ending things before he has a chance to break my heart. But I did the mental gymnastics to help me grateful for what I have - a person who wants to spend time with me and message me, and is willing to also let me date other people. Ending things doesn't really benefit me in any way except to satisfy whatever toxic trait wants me to control the way the relationship ends. So I can allow it to continue while exploring other options, as I desire. And truthfully, I don't really want to explore other options. I want to have my relationship assured so that I can focus my mental energy on improving myself and my life - working on my book, taking college courses, exercising and eating healthy. If I were to break up with him, then my mind would wander to the "what ifs" and I'd be stewing over him not fighting even for me. I'd then go back to spending time and emotional and mental energy on dating again. It just isn't what I want. So I guess, for now, I'm accepting the lesser of the two evils - a non-committed partner who is great in a lot of ways, but doesn't give me everything I need, and the option to spend my time pursuing others or doing "me" things. And I have a partner to share my fun travel adventures with, for now. Onto Hawaii in June!

Sleep Apnea, Vegetable-based Ramen and the Milan Diet

Today I want to share some thoughts and reflections about my health. Weight has been an issue for me dating all the way back to high school - I yearn to be as skinny as I was then, even as I recall feeling fat compared to my peers at the time. But the major weight gain happened in a couple of waves.

My first year in college, I had a meal pass to school buffet, which meant I could eat multiple slices of pizza every day - and that is exactly what I did! Freshman 15? More like the freshman 40. I put on a lot of weight quickly while indulging. I'm sure weekend drinking didn't help, and the food I ate when I was hungover was just as bad. My period cramps got really bad, and so while I wasn't sexually active, I decided to go on birth control. The problem was that I couldn't swallow pills - even the tiniest birth control pill. So I did the 12-week injection instead. I was fine with the shot and the soreness that came with it, and it solved my period problems. Wonderful, right? Well, not exactly. The drug was known to cause depression and even suicidal thoughts, as well as significant weight gain. I do think I may have been a little depressed, which naturally turned into eating my emotions. I gained a lot of weight in a very short period of time.

During that time, I had another issue and had to swallow a pill for it. After years of getting advice from others and trying to practice swallowing pills, I figured out a method that worked for me. While the advice I got was usually, "Just don't think about it," what I learned was that I actually had to consciously think about it. My gag reflex would react to the foreign object if I pretended I was just drinking water, so I had to convince myself that I know what I'm doing and I needed to swallow this thing. But that wasn't all. I had to shove the pill into the back of my throat, almost choking on it, and then I threw back about a gallon of water, almost drowning myself until the pill went down. Dramatic, right? And it made a mess; I'd throw back so much water at once, basically flooding myself, that I'd spill a lot of water. But, the pill went down.

Learning that I could kind of swallow pills, I decided to switch my birth control method to the pill. Practice makes perfect, and over time I got better at swallowing without having to choke and drown myself. Although from time to time I still gag or a pill won't go down, and I definitely cannot swallow pills without water. Regardless, problem solved, right? Getting off the thing that caused weight gain (and maybe depressing leading to emotional eating) would allow me to lose weight, right?

Of course it wasn't that easy. Eating like I normally did, I still gained weight. I got into kenpo, started dancing again, started running again, but still gaining or at best staying flat. I tried various diets, Atkins and the like. As so many others, I'd see an initial drop and then it would lose its effectivity, and I'd gain the weight back and then some. And so the yo-yo dieting continued for years and years. I eventually became convinced that my metabolism was broken from all the dieting, and did the metabolism reset diet. I lost 12 pounds which is great, and I do think it "reset' my metabolism to an extent, but without constant maintenance it feels like it slipped back to being broken. I could eat well all week and have two slices of pizza and gain 5 pounds overnight. And that wasn't temporary, that became my new normal and I had to slowly work that off. I'd lose 2 of those pounds and then have another cheat meat and gain another 5. It was maddening. All that hard work to lose a couple pounds and one indulgence caused me to gain double.

In health, all things are connected. When I started running again, I also started coughing at night. It got so bad I finally went to the doctor three days before a race. I did a breathing test and was informed that I was using 25% of my lung capacity. I had asthma. I got an inhaler and was warned that the inhaler's positive effects would take many days to totally work, but I took it when I needed it. I ran my race but it was terrible because I felt personally defeated by having labeled my condition. The diagnosis of asthma seemed to change my identity as a runner to a sick person. I finished the race and had class afterwards, and I'll never forget that class because I sat in the back and hacked through it. But the damage was done. How could I lose weight running if I'm an asthmatic?

I gave it up for a while and sought out other activities. But walking, for one, was never as satisfying or beneficial. I have never been a speed walker, and in fact, I walk slower than anyone I know who isn't slowed by old age. I can tell myself to speed up, and I will a little, but not for long and not that much faster. I would joke that I have two speeds, running and ambling. So I'd get back into running for a time, and then stop, yo-yoing my running as I was my diets.

Then I read a book, "Rest," which really stuck with me. It talked about how active, rigorous exercise was actually good for being productive and creative in our work, among other things. I decided my half-ass running a half mile was insufficient, and I aimed to run a 5k, or 3.1, miles multiple times a week. I knew I had to work myself up to that, but to my surprise, my progress went faster than I expected, and I was regularly running 3.1 to 3.7 miles every day. This was when I was living in San Diego during the pandemic, so I got to run through Balboa Park and breathe in the ocean air from the nearby beach. My "wall" was around 1.5 to 2 miles, but once I pushed through that, I'd get a runner's high and didn't want to stop running most days. The only reason I stopped was because I knew I had to get to work. It felt great! I was losing weight and felt like I was getting stronger. One morning, just before leaving for a weekend in Yosemite, I went for my morning run. But within .4 miles, my hip started hurting. I had disciplined myself to push through the various aches and pains I sometimes felt while running. But this pain was different and persistent. I got to the point of tears and decided I had to take it seriously and stop running. I stretched and walked for a bit, trying to shake it off, but the moment I tried running again, there it was. I did a total of about 2 miles, mostly walking, before calling it quits. Later, I researched the issue and it seemed like it was related to being overweight and putting too much pressure and overuse on the joint. Once again, I felt defeated. Here I was trying to lose weight and really pushing myself, and my body just wouldn't have it.

With Ozempic and related treatments being all the rage, I looked into them on my own. Everything I've read indicates that they work by suppressing appetites. I had gotten to the point in recent years where I feel like I can control my portions and my appetite. I'm not a late-night snacker (usually, anyways), I don't obsess over sweets, and I've learned to cut my carbs. I can eat healthy, but I can't lose weight. It doesn't appear to me to be an appetite problem. In fact, I worry that I eat so little on a regular basis, if I suppressed my appetite, my body would go into starvation mode. The problem, I continued to feel, is still my metabolism. But I HATED the metabolism reset diet and couldn't get myself to do that again. I'd been considering buying a Lumen for a long time, which is supposed to tell you what your metabolism is doing and when to eat what. 

After a lot of consideration, I decided to pull the trigger on it, and it was interesting but didn't inform me very much. Virtually every day it told me it was a low carb day, with a handful of medium carb days sprinkled in, based on the fact that my body wasn't burning fat. Well no crap! I also found it super challenging to even do the breathing the Lumen wanted. It has you breathe in for 10 seconds, which was fine, then hold your breath, which was fine, then exhale for 10 seconds while it counted down. I struggled to make it to 2 seconds remaining, and often would run out of air by 3 or 4 seconds remaining. This meant that my reading was incomplete and I'd have to do it again, which was exhausting.

Separately, I had seen a couple documentaries and am convinced that the production of food how we're doing it now is unsustainable and bad for us. While our ancestors and people living in Blue Zones might consume meat once a week, we were largely using meat as the center of every meal. Raising enough livestock to keep feeding the world in this way meant more and more forests were chopped down to grow the grains and foods needed just to feed our meat animals. And the idea that protein only comes from meat and can't be found in plants somehow is accepted but untrue. Where do the animals get the protein, anyways? One of my long-time-ago ex's was really into sustainability and explained to me that he tried to eat more chicken than beef since the amount of water and food needed to raise one pound of chicken meat was substantially less than one pound of beef, which made sense to me. So I tried to keep that in mind to craft my intake towards poultry instead of beef.

Sam has a philosophical aversion to eating anything that comes from a pig, which has been a difficult consideration in practice for me. He has never asked me not to eat pig in front of him or anything like that, but knowing he doesn't like it means I'm not going to order it for us. It turns out, I eat a lot of pig! Bacon and sausage for luxurious breakfasts, pepperoni on my pizza, salami in my sandwiches, barbecue pulled pork for a Texas dinner. In addition to never eating pig meat, Sam also tried to minimize how much other meat and poultry he ate. His influence paired with my understanding of the sustainability of our food chain has made me again reconsider my preference for meat. An ad on facebook about a plant-based instant ramen that was high in protein intrigued me, and I ordered a sampler on Amazon. For the most part, it was somewhere between good and bland. But adding a heap of garlic chili sauce made it addicting! I started eating it once (and sometimes twice) a day, and suddenly, I started losing weight with minimal exercise and no other change to my habits. The warm broth and feeling of satiation, paired with the weight loss results, made me an addict to something completely plant-based.(Not that I'm selling anything, but the brand is Immi if you're interested.)

Another fun dieting "trick" I had picked up from a long-ago-ex was "the pickle diet." The premise being that pickles are tasty, filling and relatively low in calories. Snacking on pickles instead of, say, chips, or eating a pickle before a meal, would help get that full, satiated feeling with fewer calories. While unproven, there is also a notion that pickles and pickle juice help athletic recovery from sore and stiff muscles - something I feel I can attest to. Often when I go out dancing, I drink some water but clearly not enough, because despite not having an ounce of alcohol, I wake up the next morning feeling depleted and hung over. Pickle juice, I've found, has helped that, as well as just chugging water for the entire following day.

Somewhere along the line I developed a snoring problem. My family pointed it out to me but it always felt like a judgey, lecturing way. I didn't want to hear it. The connection to not getting good sleep and not being able to lose weight was not yet apparent to me and I dismissed it as nonsense. I knew I was overweight - I ate too much and moved too little. Calories in, calories out, right? It got so bad on our family Christmas vacation in Hawaii that nobody would sleep in the same room as me and everyone was going to extraordinary lengths to get away from me. I was annoyed at my family - how bad could it be, really? I had slept with a snoring boyfriend and eventually just got used to it. They could do the same.

It was Sam who really reframed my thinking on this. He wasn't judgmental or condescending, but curious. The problem wasn't just that I snored, but that I wasn't getting sufficient rest. So, I'd fall asleep during the day. He caught me sleeping in the car in Scotland while he was driving. He noticed me nodding off during the Taylor Swift concert at Wembly Stadium. I was apparently quite the spectacle when I was snoring on the bus coming back from Stonehenge. He got a kick out of me sleeping in the rowdy crowd at a soccer match near Richmond. And most shocking to me was when I passed out on the boat part of the London tour, because I love boats!

I was also sleepy at home. It wasn't frequent but I would fall asleep in front of the TV. The most disturbing though was that I'd start nodding off in the car on my morning commute. Just a couple hours after waking, the 15 minute commute would lull me to sleep and I had to fight with myself to keep my eyes open. It was worst at red lights, and once I got honked at for not being alert when the light changed. Often, I'd be so groggy and exhausted by the time I reached my office parking lot that I'd park and allow myself a power nap that would last 20 or 30 minutes.

I knew the jig was up. I had to see a doctor and get my diagnosis which I knew from what people told me would likely be sleep apnea and I'd have to get a CPAP and that would suck. I was not looking forward to it. My Mom had had a CPAP and she ended up stopping her usage because it was too annoying to her and my Dad. I was determined that if that's what I had to do, I would get it my all. I first had to get a referral from a general doctor. So I went in to see her.

Besides daytime sleepiness and nighttime snoring, not being able to lose weight, being asthmatic and having year-round allergies, there was still another issue I had. My ability to regulate my emotions, or more correctly, my physiological responses that looked like emotions, aka crying, seemed to have greatly diminished. I'm not saying I never cried when I was younger, many boyfriends had been frustrated with me when we'd fight and I'd cry. I think it started with anger issues when I was a child and I learned that I could not unleash my fury so I bottled it up inside and that became tears. When I was mad, I didn't get violent or yell, I'd cry. Even when other people were mad, I'd cry. That was true for years. But it had gotten so bad that the littlest thing could set me off - good or bad. I'd get a compliment from my boss and I'd cry. Sam would pinch me a little too hard and I'd cry. I'd see stranger propose at the Taylor Swift concert and I'd cry.

So when I talked to my doctor, she connected a lot of the dots for me. My symptoms sounded like I had sleep apnea. Of course I wasn't losing weight: I had no energy to work out, no willpower to eat the right things, and my body wasn't metabolizing like it should in deep sleep at night. Having felt heard and relieved it wasn't "my fault", I started to cry. And she asked what was wrong and I said, well, this sucks too. I can't control my tears. And she told me, interestingly, that assuming I had sleep apnea, that meant my body was in a constant fight or flight state and never recovered from that. So little triggers could cause crazy emotional responses. That made sense to me. I asked her if I'd have to get a CPAP and she said likely yes, but reassured me that people who use it regularly say it's life changing.

It's actually a little crazy how all these conditions are connected. My asthma, allergies and presumed sleep apnea are all conditions caused by, or contributed to, and made more likely by being overweight. But losing the weight is made difficult (to impossible) by having asthma and sleep apnea. A death spiral that started with overeating and weight-inducing medications that cannot seem to be reversed. I had to get to the root of it. If better quality sleep will help me to have more energy and better emotions and potentially improve my metabolism, then I had to address the sleep problem.

Completely full of conviction now, I went to my sleep doctor and told him my symptoms. He agreed it was likely sleep apnea and checked the size of my throat hole or whatever. He showed me a chart with 6 shapes of throat holes and said mine was the tightest of them all, which made me physically prone to sleep apnea. He'd have to do a sleep study to confirm, but he was pretty confident. I had the option of doing an at-home study or in-clinic study. The at-home study was lighter, had fewer diagnostics, and sometimes could be inconclusive which would result in the need to do the in-clinic study anyways. I wanted the full gambit. I wanted to be as close to 100% sure as we could be. I wanted to give my doctor all the information possible so he could get this right. If it was sleep apnea or something else, I wanted to know and get the treatment I needed.

I found the sleep study a little hilarious. To be fair, it was quite comfortable, I had my own room with an attached bathroom, which I was grateful for because I tended to have to use the bathroom multiple times at night - another symptom apparently of sleep apnea - the body doesn't turn off the mechanism causing you to have to pee. But being connected to a million sensors meant that when I had to use the bathroom, I'd have to signal my nurse to disconnect me. Instead of disconnecting all the individual things, they plugged into a master machine and she would disconnect that and hang it around my neck while I did my thing, and then reconnect me when I was done. The goop in my hair and the suction marks on my body were funny to me, as was the way I looked when I was all connected up. When I was up for another bathroom break early in the morning, my nurse informed me that it was close enough time to the end of the sleep study anyways, so after using the bathroom, we could take the things off and I could get dressed to go home. As she was disconnecting me, I was concerned that my discomfort had prevented me from sleeping enough and asked her if they had gotten sufficient data. "Oooooh yeaaaah," she said, snorting a little, "we got LOTS of good readings on you." I thought that was a little funny even though I wasn't quite sure what it meant.

When I got my results back, they were absolutely stunning. Most notably, I had 98 "events" per hour. PER HOUR! That meant that 98 times per hour, I would choke or stop breathing. Fight or flight indeed. When I talked to my doctor about the results, he was concerned that the CPAP wouldn't be enough, and I might have to move to a bi-PAP which is more intense. But he said we should start with the CPAP and he assured me that even if it wasn't enough, it would still help greatly. But it would take a couple weeks, and I was nearing my trip to Milan for two weeks. So the CPAP would have to wait.

Knowing that it was very easy to gain weight on a business trip, I had bought a travel scale with me to monitor my weight for the two weeks in Italy. I knew I'd be tempted with all the pasta and pizza to overindulge in carbs, and so much as looking at pizza caused me to gain weight, so I wanted to give myself real-time feedback. To my surprise, however, while I gorged on the hotel breakfast buffet, polished whole individual pizzas at lunch, and ate a full meal of pasta or similar for dinner, I lost weight every day. I missed my plant-based ramen a little bit, but I was eating so good and so well in Italy, and losing weight, so I didn't mind too much.

My asthma, however,  was aggravated by the smog of Milan, the second hand smoke on campus at my work site, and probably the cold weather to an extent. I was using my inhaler multiple times per day but it got worse and worse. I knew from recent experience with something similar, and having been seen by a doctor back then, that as long as I didn't have a fever, I could rest assured I wasn't sick. But my asthma would need to be treated with something more intense than an inhaler.

I picked up my CPAP when I was back home, and didn't have time between returning and leaving for Tucson and then to Australia to see a doctor about a more intense treatment for my asthma. So I hacked through my holiday in Tucson with my family and in the ICU where my sister was beating the odds in her own medical issues. When I got to Tasmania, Sam told me what I could already sense, that the ocean air on our beach in Howrah was some of the cleanest air in the world. He
walked me through a breathing exercise which I felt was unnecessary, but I liked that he cared so much. I gulped in all the fresh ocean air I could while I was there, and I could tell my aggravated asthma was subsiding a little every day. We went north for a two day mini trip, and the mountain air up there was equally refreshing. Even in Sydney, walking out to Darling Harbor, I felt like my breathing was improving day over day.

I have been religious about using and maintaining my CPAP. I got the distilled water needed and changed it daily, I sanitized the tubes with apple vinegar, I got baby wipes and wiped down my mask every day. I had to use it for a minimum of 4 hours every night. The average didn't matter, so even if I used it 6 hours one night, I still had to use it for at least 4 hours the next. So I tracked my usage and made sure I got my 4 hours. The app had instant feedback and the results were telling and felt very accurate to what I could remember. That is, when I was struggling with my mask fit, the app would say I needed to correct it, and when I felt like my mask was good, the app would confirm.

But the most shocking result was that the events were now in the single digits per hour, around 5 typically. From 98 events per hour down to 5 is a 1960% improvement! Almost instantaneously, too, I had stopped dozing off during the day. It was no longer a struggle to stay awake in the car. And, I was still losing weight even after returning from Milan. I also feel less stuffed up from allergies, which could be seasonal but I suspect the humidifier effect on the CPAP is contributing at least.

Over the course of a several weeks, I felt healthier and healthier. I still puff on my asthma inhaler before dancing, but I no longer felt as winded or in need of another inhaler puff after dances. One night, I was waiting for my inhaler refill to come in but went dancing anyways. I was sure my current inhaler was completely out of dosage, but I sucked on whatever fumes I could grasp. And I didn't cough at all that night, despite not having a real dosage of inhaler. I am feeling healthier now than I have in a long time. I feel happier, too, and have emoted less. I've felt more in control of my tears and my ability to get things done. It has been quite a change. I'm not sure I'm ready to call it "life changing," but I can see how all these things are connected and relieved that I am working on the root of the issue, or at least one major contributor.

Recently, however, my weight has started to tick up again even though I'm doing the same things - eating my plant-based ramen, dancing, eating salads or lean meals when I'm not eating my ramen, drinking my water, etc. As such, I renewed my subscription for Lumen and am trying to use it more to figure out what's going on and what I need. To my surprise, I have been finding it easier to make it through the breath recording - I can now exhale all the way to 10 where I wasn't able to do that before. Something has improved, even if my weight is waffling.

I recently listened to "The Dorito Effect" which confirmed what I kind of suspected - the processed food wasn't as good for us as the food in, say, Milan, which wasn't packed with preservatives and artificial flavoring. I really do think there is something to that. The book also talks about how the "good" food has been "dumbed down" and made to taste worse and carry less nutrients - chicken, tomatoes, lettuce, for example. Chicken used to taste good on its own apparently, but the way commercial farms feed them to get fatter quicker is causing a loss of the taste and nutritional value, leading to use not only getting less out of the chicken itself but also having to smother it in sauces to make it taste good. It makes me just want to get a piece of land, raise my own chickens, grow my own crops and make my own sourdough at home. That sounds like a lot of work, but my goodness, this feels like a bad situation, doesn't it? What else are we to do?

Well for now, I'm looking forward to a full month in Milan, knowing that I was losing weight while gorging my appetite there. In the meantime and after that trip, I will have to focus back on eating pickles and plant-based ramen and other good things and drinking more water, getting the sleep I need, dancing and exercising, and so on and so forth…. and the health journey continues.

Oh yeah, and here's a vid of my dance group performing last night!

Considering Revising My Life List

I formed my original Life List in my 20s and have only add a handful of items to get it to 150 total. Since then, I've aspired and succeeded at completing at least one or two per year. Many are destination-oriented and so I can knock off several in a few days or a week while on a vacation. It has been an incredible part of my life, a source of inspiration and provided reasons for celebration and reflection.

However, it has occurred to me recently that many of the remaining items are ones I am not as excited about as I was when I added them. Some are golf-oriented, as I was into golf when I wrote it, and I've played all of 9 holes once since then - maybe not as big of a golfer as I thought I'd be! Others sound cooler than they are realistic, e.g. ride in a blimp and float down the Nile - are those even things people do? Still others require a level of fitness to which I'm not confident I'll ever get back to - they seemed like a good idea when I was young.

So I started considering whether it made sense to revise the list. One of my rules has always been that I am not going to add an item when checking it off is planned and eminent, just to check it off, so I intend to adhere to that. The original intent was to provide aspirations to ensure I lived life fully. And honestly, even though I've only checked off half of them, I feel it has accomplished its purpose to an extent; I have also had some amazing experiences that weren't on the list. As such, while there may be a temptation to add items that I hadn't thought of that have been awesome experiences for me, I will continue with the intent, so only items that have not been accomplished and are not foreseeably eminent can be added.

For today, I just want to explore what I would update my list to, *IF* I decide to modify the items remaining. To start, here are the items remaining, along with my disposition of whether to keep, modify or replace them.

Keep/Modify Pile
1    View Athens from the Acropolis - Keep
4    Dance the tango in Argentina - Keep
5    See my art in a gallery or store - Keep
8    Drive the Autobahn - Keep
10    Ride a penny-farthing bicycle - Keep
12    Ride a recumbent bicycle - Keep
18    Build a custom house with "secret" architectural features - Keep
26    Participate in a Carnival parade in Brazil - Keep, planned for 2026!
27    Spend the night in a castle - Keep
28    Tour Neuschwanstein Castle, Germany - Keep
32    Ride through the Chunnel - Keep
35    Visit a concentration camp - Keep
36    Road trip in a convertible with the top down and music blaring - Keep
39    Float in the Dead Sea - Keep
40    Help dig for dinosaur bones - Keep
46    Have dinner with someone famous - Keep
63    Design my own house, and see it constructed - Keep
64    Ice skate outside while its snowing - Keep
66    Travel India by train - Modify
67    Be interviewed by a reputable journalist in person - Keep
71    Drink a mint julep at the Kentucky Derby - Keep
80    Find a message in a bottle - Keep
81    Be an extra in a movie - Keep
82    Go to a red-carpet film premiere - Keep
83    Have something named after me - Keep
87    Drink in Germany for Oktoberfest - Keep
88    Be a spectator at an Olympic event - Keep
90    Be awarded a patent - Keep
92    See Petra, Jordan - Keep
97    Have my portrait painted - Keep
98    Send in a postsecret - Keep
100    See the pyramids of Egypt - Keep
103    Drive a race car around a real track - Keep
111    Give a person a second chance on life - Keep
112    Set foot on each of the seven continents - Keep
113    Shake hands with someone who has truly changed a country. - Keep
119    Learn to use a slide rule - Keep
120    Drive a snowmobile - Keep
121    Be in the stands when two rival South American club teams play each other in soccer. - Keep
122    Go into orbit/outer space - Keep
130    Attend the Super Bowl - Keep
133    See the Taj Mahal - Keep
138    Stay at an underwater hotel - Keep
142    Go white water rafting - Keep
147    Time Old Faithful at Yellowstone National Park - Keep
149    Help set a world record - Keep
150    Open a million dollar hot dog stand - Replace

Replace Pile
3    Float along the Amazon - Replace
9    Bathe in the Ganges - Replace
13    Ride in a blimp - Replace
14    Race a bobsled - Replace
20    Watch a fire-dancing show at Burning Man - Replace
22    Golf in Cabo - Replace
25    Go to Carnival of Venice - Replace
33    Go cliff diving - Replace
60    Make a hole-in-one - Replace
70    Kayak through the jungle - Replace
77    Hike the Inca Trail in Machu Picchu - Replace
85    Float along the Nile - Replace
86    Golf through Nullarbor Links - Replace
94    Try pole vaulting - Replace
95    Participate in a police lineup - Replace
102    See the pyramids of Chichen Itza - Replace
107    Walk a runway - Replace
108    Learn to sail - Replace
114    Eat at a Shenanigans - Replace
115    Go water skiing - Replace
116    Ski or snowboard in Colorado - Replace
117    Ski in Dubai - Replace
125    Visit the statue of Christ the Redeemer, Corcovado - Replace
136    Ride a camel in Timbuktu - Replace
146    Write that "one song" - Replace
148    Do the Dirty Dancing lift - Replace

Ok, so that's 26 items I could replace. Here are some of the items I've been thinking about adding which could replace these.

    1. Photograph the Southern Lights (Aurora Australis) in person
        I only learned of this phenomenon last year when I was chasing the Northern Lights in Fairbanks in pursuit of a Life List item. I spent the end of the year in Tasmania, leaving on New Year's Day. That night, the Southern Lights put on a spectacular show for the entire island. I missed it by one day! Now I want to go back and try to see it! 

    2. Stay at a safari-style hotel and see giraffes out my window
        When I lived in Florida, I fancied the idea of staying at the Animal Kingdom Hotel  where giraffes could be seen out my window for my birthday. It will be trickier now, not living in Florida or having the Disney passes, but still something I'd like to do. 

    3. Go on a real / wild African safari
        I love animals and visiting zoos and their little safari tours. Wouldn't it be amazing to see this for reals?

    4. Take in the views of Santorini
        I was sitting in a Greek restaurant a few years ago and realized with my love of the food and the beautiful pictures, I really wanted to go to Greece, and specifically Santorini. I was set on going for my 40th birthday, but a romantic interest turned my head and we went to the UK and knocked off some life list things instead. It was a great trip, but I still want to go to Santorini in the summer, rent a place with a dipping pool and take in the views. 

    5. See the brilliance of the Milky Way
        The Milky Way has been eluding me for years now! I tried seeing it near Yosemite, at Bryce Canyon, at dark sky sites like Amboy Crater and Big Bend. I've captured semi-decent photographs but still haven't felt like I hit it on the mark. When going to Hawaii in 2023, I even hired an astrophotographer who was skilled at capturing her clients in the foreground with the Milky Way in the background at the top of the mountain in Maui. I literally took a risk driving up and down the mountain in the dark, nodding off as I went, and she was shocked at how bad the sky was that night. I told her it was me, the Milky Way was eluding me. The picture to the right is a greatly enhanced (aka photoshopped) picture she provided because the sky was basically black. So, if I am going to update my Life List, I think this needs to go on there because it's something I'm going to continue chasing until I'm satisfied (and maybe even after that). 

    6. Compete in a swing dance competition
        I've been trying to bring/keep swing dance in my life the last few years. I am wording this one intentionally a little vague because I am probably more likely to compete in a group competition rather than and individual or couple competition, but any would suffice! Just want to keep the focus on dance, which gives me so much joy and helps me stay active. 

  7. See the monkeys on Miyajima
        This is a risky one because I've been to Miyajima twice, even hiking all the way from the top of the mountain to the sea, and never saw them. But I swear they are there and I want to find them. On the other hand, if it's possible to never see them, I'd hate to hold up the completion of my Life List despite trying to complete the last item. So maybe not. 

    7. Visit Lego House in Denmark
        I mean, with my love of Lego, it’s a wonder nothing Lego related has made it to my list - yet! I recently stumbled upon the world's largest Lego store while shopping in Sydney, Australia. Of course, had to commemorate the visit with a special brick they gave me for free with purchase of a set. 

    8. Learn how to photograph distant planets (like Jupiter)
        I'm not so gung-ho about this one, but it is definitely achievable and can inspire my learning and aligns with my interest in space, so seems okay. 

    9. Sleep in a transparent shelter and fall asleep watching the stars

    10. Go Super Sonic
        A good replacement for riding in a blimp, hopefully super sonic transportation will be a reality (again) in the near future! 

    11. Road trip and camp in an RV
    
    
I feel like these are really good ones to replace some of the more iffy ones on my list, but there's a part of me that's still sentimental about the original list. What do you think?

Will I Never Be Satisfied?

I just got home from Australia a few hours ago and it was a tough journey. I found myself envisioning Sam being along with me, occupying the seat next to me instead of the annoying men who don't respect personal space. I wished he could be there with me. At home, I ate my comfort food - ramen - and started some laundry from the trip and getting myself organized for the week ahead. I am glad to be back at home with my bidets and smart speakers and comfy recliner chair and even my TV streaming services. But I miss him in a way that I didn't think I would when I left.

This trip was probably the best one yet in terms of us understanding each other and providing what the other needs and wants. Sam gave me so many cuddles and I was so comfortable with him. Leaving wasn't hard because it felt like we were solid, but I also think I had gotten in the habit of seeing him again soon and now I won't see him for a few months. I know I can stick it out for a few more months until we hit the one year mark which is his milestone, but I don't want to. I feel so lonely all of a sudden. It has been okay for me to know that he and I have plans and when we text and video call. Just knowing he was in my life felt like that was enough for me to get through my day to day and focus on work and the other things in my life. Suddenly, it no longer feels like enough. I had a taste of having him in my daily life and it cemented for me that that's what I want.

Earlier this week I was questioning whether I loved him, but now I'm back in the lovey dovey camp. I look at photos of him and just feel an overwhelming calm and love for his gorgeous smile and even his playful frowns. He likes to repurpose the lines from Hamilton to joke that I will never be satisfied, and I don't fully agree with it… I want more but that doesn't mean I'm not satisfied. But right now, yeah, I will not be satisfied until we are living together or at least in the same state (let alone country, or continent even). Is that obsession or love? I don't know but I'm calling it love. I just love him so much.  

Love or Hero Worship?

As part of my mini-sabbatical in Sydney, I've been doing a good deal of reading, learning and writing. I started a new audiobook today by Dr. Chatterjee called, "Make Change That Lasts." The book appealed to me because I felt like I was in a rut last year and wasn't doing all the things I know I should to get healthy, and I am still very much on that journey. It was apparent to me that my lack of restful sleep could be greatly contributing to poor metabolism, lack of energy to exercise, low willingness to exercise, and overall bad health, not to mention the risk of falling asleep behind the wheel. So despite my reluctance, I went through the steps needed to get a full sleep study and have just recently started using a CPAP. I have felt more refreshed and my diagnostics show improvement in my sleep, but when it came time to thinking about exercise, I still didn't feel up for it. I dragged myself through some half-ass dance practice and went on with my day.

One of the early chapters in Dr. Chatterjee's book is about hero worship, and how we should recognize that the shiny, polished view we're shown of celebrities can set unrealistic expectations for our lives. My initial reaction to the chapter was that I don't have that problem. I'm pretty self-confident, I don't envy celebrities or try to compete with peers in unhealthy ways. I've lived a good life and plan to continue having an awesome time.

But my thoughts trailed to Sam. Before coming to Australia, we had gone through the longest stretch of not seeing each other since we first started talking. I missed him so much and valued our weekly video calls that much more. I felt insecure about his feelings towards me. Yet, just looking at a picture of him or seeing him on the video chat would brighten my spirits. I thought I might be in love with him, and considered telling him when we'd be together in Australia. But since getting here, while things have been largely very good, maybe better than ever, I haven't felt in love. The criticism he throws my way at times has gotten under my skin. And the fact that he didn't really reciprocate my affectionate words bothers me. I've even told him so, and he argued that his actions speak louder than words, and didn't therefore change his behaviors. He has been more cuddly, more physically affectionate, and continues to dote on me with snacks and drinks which I think is his love language. But the words aren't there and my insecurity prevails despite his actions.

Thrown off by my lack of feeling in love since I've been here, I've been doing a great deal of thinking about what it is I like about him. I always say I'm drawn to his positivity; considering myself a generally upbeat, glass-half-full perpetual optimist, it's rare to find someone seemingly more positive than me. After careful consideration, though, I think there's more to it than that. Even though sometimes he is critical of me and it hurts a little, it also riles me up to do better. I'll show him! In that way, he doesn't tell me what I should do, but he inspires me to be a better person.

Defying criticism has been a large driving force in my life. Perhaps it started with my stuttering problem as a child - rather than get my speech therapy (was there such a thing back then?), my family poked fun at me until I learned to think through my thoughts before speaking, and largely correcting my stutter. Imagine my surprise when I did a strengths test and the third strength was verbal communication. Surely, a person recovering from a speech impediment couldn't count verbal communication as a strength. But when my peers concurred with the assessment, it was suggested to me that perhaps the work I put in to change my stutter has made me a more thoughtful and intentional speaker.

When I went to sign up for my first semester of college classes, my advisor told me that nobody graduates engineering school in four years and that I shouldn't set that unrealistic expectation for myself. However, that was the spoken or unspoken expectations of my parents. My advisor also told me not to take more than 14 credit hours per semester. Well of course nobody is graduating in 4 years if you're telling them not to take sufficient credits to do so, I thought. Not only did I start with 17 credits, I had semesters of 19, 20, even 21 credits. I made up for the deficiency in my foreign language credits, completed an International Business Certificate, studied abroad, took several extra classes for fun (i.e. swing dance, architecture, real estate) and still graduated in 4 years.

My manager in my second job after college, working at Honeywell Aerospace, told me I would never be a leader as a woman in an aerospace company if I didn't become a b*tch. That was my leadership coaching for almost 6 years. I understood the experience that formed that belief - many of the women leaders were like that - but I was adamant that I would be a great leader and I would do it differently. I believe I have accomplished that in spades.

Being told I can't or being ridiculed has driven me to better myself or prove myself. At least when I've believed it to have some truth to it. My Mom seems deadset on this idea that I'm an alcoholic and all my health problems stem from my drinking, which is so far from the truth it's disturbing, but I try to just laugh at it. (To dispell any concerns, I literally have maybe one drink a week in social situations - I rarely drink more than that and almost never drink at home. My Mom sees me on holidays and vacations and I will partake in wine when someone is pouring and the like, but still, she witnessed plenty of days in which I don't drink at all, so her concerns are clearly stemming from her own version of reality rather than actual evidence.)

All that to say, now that the idea of hero worship was put into my head, I'm wondering if my infatuation with Sam is more about proving myself to him to dispell his criticism or to mimic his absolute positivity. Rather than love, perhaps I want him in my life because I worship those traits about him. In a nod to Freud, maybe I'm attracted to him as an authority figure because he criticizes me, much like my family, my college advisor, and my manager. That doesn't feel likely because I didn't feel affection towards those people when they criticized me, but it is an interesting pattern.

On the other hand, another thing I love and appreciate about Sam is that he has a similar sense of humor as me and sees the world through a similar lens. We both appreciate great nature views; water and beaches in particular but also canopies of trees and vast landscapes. The way our joy at seeing such sights resonates in a deep level with me. Perhaps it provides affirmation to my appreciation of the world, which had also drawn ridicule from others in my life. We love comparing our life experiences and our native versions of English, which seem to have endless anomalies and funny differences.

2024 Reflection Part Two

Outside of sticking to the themes I set out for myself at the start of the year, I think I'd be remiss if I didn't reflect on all the other major things that happened in 2024, to include what I was able to check off from my Life List.

While the move to Texas largely feels like a detriment to my happiness, it was certainly the right decision for my career, as evidenced almost immediately. And call it fate or good fortune or what have you, but it was because I had changed my dating profile to the Fort Worth area that I met Sam. He was only planning to come to Texas for the solar eclipse, but had changed the location on his profile to Dallas. He was upfront that he lives in Sydney and would just be visiting, and I was suspicious of his intentions. We started messaging well before the eclipse, but it was our first video call that really won me over. We had been joking about how some people won't even drive 45 minutes for a date, but he was willing to take a 13 hour flight to see his potential love. 

 

We didn't meet up until a couple days before the eclipse. We had two dates that week, both went brilliantly. I continued to date locally for a while, at Sam's encouragement. But as time went on, I liked the local guys less and liked Sam more. We planned a trip to the UK together and before we could even go, he came back to Texas to spend a week with me. Then we met up in LA for an air show and Disneyland. And at the end of the year, I met him in Tasmania and am now on his home turf in Sydney. There have been many ups and downs with him. We are two smart, confident people from other sides of the planet coming at the relationship from two different perspectives. But what's allowed us to make it this far is our agreement to always speak our minds when things are bothering us and to be honest and transparent. We've worked through a lot of differences and those hard journeys have probably made us stronger than if we hadn't had those differences. Time will tell if he'll be my forever love, but having him in my life has allowed me to go on adventures I wouldn't have done solo and seen things I wouldn't have seen without his insistence. It's been a blast dating him, and I hope it continues.

When people ask about my move to Texas, I am honest that I am really not happy with it. Again, it was the right move for my career, the cost of living is cheaper so that's helpful financially, and it led me indirectly to Sam, and for all those things I am grateful. But I hate the humidity of DFW, especially in the summer when it just feels punishing to me. And while I'm getting better at navigating the confusing freeway exits, they still confound me regularly. Bugs are a huge problem for me, also. Outside, for sure, but even in my house there seems to be a new bug every day, often of a different variety, so it's not like I have an isolated infestation that can just be wiped out. It's ongoing and constant but always changing, and that's the most frustrating part. I joke that I figured out the best way to live with the Dallas summer - leaving altogether. My escape to Scotland and London with Sam was the best part of my summer.

In my career, I hit some low points both in 2023 and in 2024, feeling like I'm stagnating and that my efforts are in vain. My boss is sharp, though, and recognizing my struggles, has brought opportunities for me to get more engaged, one of which culminated in a two-week trip to Milan which was phenomenal. The prospect of going back, and/or going to Greece, Japan or Australia for work in 2025 has excited me, and with some fresh new superstar employees on my team, I have found some reinvigoration.

On one of our few recreational days in Italy, there was mural with Alice in Wonderland that translated to this:

"The secret, Alice, is to surround yourself with people who make your heart smile. It is then, and only then, that you will find Wonderland...."

I think that is true, including but not limited to finding fulfillment in my work.

Speaking of travel, this year's first time achievements from my Life List all required travel, most of which was with Sam in the UK. Here they are, what I completed from my Life List in 2024:

#7 See an aurora

In the same line of thinking about the swing dance events I thought I'd have to miss because of moving to Texas and the deciding to make them happen anyways, I had set my sights in going to see the Northern Lights in 2024. A major driving factor was that the Aurora was in its peak of an 11 year cycle, so the likelihood of seeing it was increased greatly. I had originally targeted a spring time trip but that proved a bit too cumbersome. So I went in early October, butting up against a previous booking in LA. I stayed at the Chena Hot Springs Resort which I thought may be a gimmicky tourist trap but ended up blowing my expectations out of the water (pun intended). The first night I was there I tried spotting Aurora on my own and saw nothing. Wanting to ensure the highest likelihood of success, I booked an Aurora tour the next day, and it did not disappoint! You can read more in my dedicated post about it, but suffice to say I saw a great display of the Northern Lights! Ironically, Sam and I missed seeing the Southern Lights in Tasmania by one day! The island got a spectacular display better than most anyone could remember the night of New Year's Day, and we had left just that day. Seeing the elusive Southern Lights may be the next thing I add to my list.

#17 Watch the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace

Sam and I had debates about what constituted completion of this item - we took a tour to the gates of Buckingham Palace and on that same tour we saw the changing of the guard at a different location. But the exact wording preventing my concurrence that this item was done. I booked that tour to be early in our time in London just in case it didn't scratch the itch, and that turned out to be good because then I was able to find a separate time to bear witness to the actual Buckingham Palace changing of the guards. I went alone while Sam met up with a friend. It was quite an event, but nothing I need to do again. Check!

#43 Ride on a red double decker bus in the UK 

The tour I booked did shuttle us around on a double decker, so this was an easy one to knock off. Fun, too, we had some great views of all of the major icons of the city.

#73 Look for the Loch Ness Monster Before going to London, Sam and I first met up in Inverness. We rented a car and Sam drove us around the beautiful highlands to our hotel situated right in the Loch Ness. We took a few short hikes down to the water and spent a couple days driving around the area, stopping at various scenic spots. We visited the Loch Ness gift shop and posed with the monster statues. It was such a a chill time it was one of my favorites with Sam.

#74 Go on the London Eye

Seeing a long queue, I searched on my phone and found that we could bypass the long wait for a small premium - well worth it - and Sam and I were zipped into the London Eye. We took some great shots up there and called it a day.

#127 See Stonehenge

The second part of the tour I booked was a coach bus ride out to Stonehenge. The downtime on the bus was nice - I may have dozed off and snored to the delight of nearby kids - and then the walk to and from the stones was perfectly pleasant. We took dozens of photos as I suppose most people do, and in some we got silly with it. It was really neat to see them and be moved by the spiritual air that seems to be there. I loved the quotes back at the visitor center, especially this one:

"One might almost suppose that it was specially designed to accommodate every notion that could possibly be projected onto it"

- John Michell, writer, 1981

Ending the year in Australia with Sam has meant the world to me. It was with a heavy heart that I kept my plans to come, however. I was intending to spend Christmas with most of my family in Tucson before coming. Knowing my oldest sister has just started chemotherapy, I wanted to be around to help her and her family out if needed, so I planned to fly out early and work remotely for a couple days. Then after Christmas, I'd leave for Australia and ring in the New Year with Sam.

The night before my flight to Tucson, my brother in law texted me that my sister was going to the hospital because she was in pain from a complication of the chemo. That morning, as I was getting ready to leave for the airport, she was given 24 hours to live and being rushed into emergency surgery that would likely kill her. There was nothing for me to do but get to the airport and make sure I made it to Tucson. My Dad picked me up from the airport and we went straight to the hospital. I was glad I was there in those first days. My sister performed miracle after miracle in beating the odds of surviving and recovering. 

Needless to say, I didn't get much work done, and I especially decided not to work when I learned that my sister was trying to communicate through sign language but nobody there could interpret. I was able to read most of her signing (she was heavily sedated so her signs weren't perfect and she was going very fast and spelling "creatively" - ipzza for pizza, for example). It was good timing for me to be there then. We celebrated Christmas with a small weight hanging in the air as she was never far from any of our thoughts. As she recovered, she was able to speak more. 

My other sister made plans to come. I felt like it made the most sense for me to keep my plans - she would want that for me, I certainly needed it mentally and emotionally, and we thought it might even alarm her if I cancelled and my other sister came - she may think we were lying about her positive prognosis. Still, she's been on my mind and I've been keeping up with her progress from texts from my family.

Meanwhile, Sam and I have had some much needed conversations and worked on how to be together better. I can tell he really cares for me and is really trying to be what I want. He is always thinking of me and my needs, and assumes responsibility for the literal heavy lifting and the like. He has been very caring and supportive regarding my sister, and otherwise we've had good fun and made some great memories.

I'm treating my time in Sydney, especially while he works during the week, as a mini sabbatical to somewhat make up for the sabbatical I didn't get to take after closing the plant in Florida. It's been very refreshing, mentally and physically. I came here with aggravated asthma from the smog of Milan, and the clean air of Tasmania and the ocean air here in Sydney have done wonders for my ability to breathe. I'm far from 100% better but much improved over a week ago. And while I'm still getting used to my CPAP, I think it's introduction into my life will give my health a chance of finally going in the right direction in 2025. A quote I've found here in Darling Harbor fits my state of mind well.

It speaks of, "...a sea that harbours anger in a pounding mid-year storm. Yet a sea that offers comfort when the weather's clear and warm, Where the whitecaps сrown an оcean that is every shade of blue, Crashing to a golden shore, that's Australia through and through." - Murray Hartin, 1997