And here's the thing about Sam is that I truly believe what he says, although his attempts at jokes sometimes send me spiraling back into my insecurities. But when he is thoughtful and deliberate, I think he is honest. Yet there are lots of things that puzzle me about him and what he says, how he perceives himself and how he perceives me. I haven't been able to pinpoint something that's clearly and obviously bad, yet I am still unnerved by these conversations and my interactions with him.
My most recent hypothesis is that he actually is blind to the dark side of himself. So when he is speaking thoughtfully, I think he is telling the truth as he understands it. But he hasn't done the introspection to understand and realize the source of my concerns with him.
Take this "independence" thing, which he promotes as his biggest barrier to us living together. I don't think he really knows what that means - rather, I think it's a wall he is subconciously hiding behind. Afterall, he currently lives with his sister in a house owned by his parents, who visit frequently and for long periods. So it's not like he lives alone and is worried about having to share a space. And he complains about what he has to do for work, like when he has to go into the office, even though it's only two days a week. Yet I've had on the table for a while that I would cover him financially if he lived with me, so he would have more independence in that regard.
He promotes his "positivity" but he's very negative about the risks and the challenge of moving in together. While I try not to diminish the huge change it would be for him, I look forward to the steady state of us being together with great optimism. I see such great potential in us having a better relationship - he can use his brain more and we can enjoy more things together more often and my need for physical affection wouldn't be so intense. It just seems like the obvious, better solution than what we are doing now. But he says he's happy with the way things are. So I think his positivity is different than my optimism in that I look towards a positive future whereas he revels in the instant gratification. Change is hard, but what we have is great right now, so why do the hard thing?
I think he does this with a lot of aspects of our relationship. We had a somewhat teasing conversation about "who's the boss" in our relationship and he said I'm the financial boss because I finance our trips. But I pointed out that he dictates when I can touch him and kiss him, and he has to have his tea and he has to have things his certain way in our day-to-day vacation schedule. He sees himself as laid back and doesn't seem to recognize how bossy and insistent he is to get his way.
It reminds me of the analogy he made a while back about cat owners and dog owners. He said being a cat owner teaches you consent because cats won't call just because they're called, they have to decide to come to you. He made it sound like clearly cat owners are the superior beings because it's easy to be a dog owner. Yet when I thought about it, it seemed like I'm the "cat owner" then because I have to have his permission to touch and kiss him and he dictates when we do different things. He acts more like the "dog owner" in our relationship because we do everything on his schedule when he decides.
I think he does this also with how accusatory and judgmental he is with me. I don't think he intends to come off that way, it's a part of him that's buried in his subconscious. Because he also talks about how intuitive he is and I've seen that part of him in action, yet he doesn't like or understand little things about me a lot. It's like he intuits something's there but he doesn't know how to address it in a way that is understanding.
I did think it was positive when we talked briefly in Hawaii, that he said if we end up not having any more trips this year, that would be okay because he knows he owes me an answer. But when he confronted me directly about it on our call yesterday, I was honest that yeah, part of the reason I haven't planned anything else with him is that I don't want to keep investing in this relationship that may never be what I need it to be. And then he immediately made a joke, I guess along the theme of "who's the boss", that I was going to "cut him off" if he didn't move in with me. And that went over like a lead balloon.
I think this is one of my struggles is that he says things lightheartedly because he thinks its funny and when I pin him down about it, he will insist he meant nothing by it. But I believe that every joke, even if made with intentions rooted in jest, still has some truth in it for the person saying it. And to me, its an insight into how people think. So when I later told him that upset me, he blamed his lack of being in the right state of mind and sort of blew it off as a continuation of the boss joke and nothing serious. But it's precisely things like that which play on my insecurities and make me think he's just playing the game with me to milk me for more vacations and fun events. He did apologize and say he didn't mean it. And again, I feel like I can believe him when he says things, so it's all I can do to accept his apology and take him at his word that he didn't mean it. But those insecurities still exist.
On a positive note, with me coming back to Australia for work, he has been open and willing to let me come visit and stay with him which, for him, is a huge step. I think he realized how much it hurt that I wasn't allowed to participate in any of his home life while I was there last time, and without me having to say what I played out in my head for my next trip to Sydney - that I wouldn't be coming to Sydney and not seeing his home again - he opened that proverbial door. We share a concern about how I will react to the cats, so the visit may have to be cut short, but at least I will get to see how and where he lives, which is really important to me to understand and see him better. And if I end up choosing to go to a hotel because of my allergies, then that's not on him.
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