The talk with sort of disastrous. I mean, we remained calm and clarified things, so from that standpoint it was good. But he made it very clear that he had never seriously considered us living together as a future state of our relationship ever. In all the time I feel like we've talked about where we might live in the future and me explicitly offering to help him financially if he were to move in with me back in Tasmania in December, I couldn't believe he had no idea that that's what I wanted. I still sort of don't believe it. I mean, I trust him - I made a promise to myself a long while ago to trust his words because he does seem genuinely honest. So what does that mean then? Was he just not listening to me all those times? Or understanding me? It's ironic and would be funny if it wasn't so hurtful, that although we speak the same language, we rarely speak the same language.
He was good about asking for time to think about it and asked me where my "red line" was - which I confirmed that not living together ever would mean we'd have to end things. We agreed to make a decision on that one way or another by the end of the year. He also asked if we should wait until he's made his decision before talking about it again, or if I'd prefer to have check in discussions even if he hadn't yet made up his mind. I told him I'd prefer the check ins.
Honestly, though, I was sort of devastated. The idea that he could be happy with this arrangement and not want more had never really occurred to me - at least not when I felt reassured about our relationship. Sometimes, especially when he doesn't text me or make time for a call for me for a while, or he drops these ugly surprises on me that he's made plans that take away from my time with him, the insecurities creep in and I wonder if he's just using me for fun vacays.
After having that convo, I think it's more clear than ever that he values me in exactly the way things are. But the idea of living together or meeting his family is still years off in his mind, if ever. And I am not okay with that.
We left the discussion with the decision that he'd make up his mind this year and we'd talk. But when he asked me if I was okay I tried explaining to him that I was agreeable but not happy with that result.
There was a minor thing that happened a couple days before. We were sitting on the couch just chatting and catching up and I remembered that I wanted to show him photos and a video of the full circular rainbow I had seen from the plane coming back from Poland. I showed him and he insisted it wasn't real - that it was just an illusion caused by a blemish in the window. I insisted that no, this is definitely a phenomenon that can happen in the sky like that, rainbows are full circles, we just don't see the other half because of the horizon of the ground. But from above, you can see it. He didn't believe it and basically just insisted it wasn't real, just an illusion. I later looked it up and told him today that I confirmed it is a thing people see in the airplanes and sometimes high up on mountains, and it has a name of the phenomenon and everything. He just kind of shrugged it off, not admitting how interesting it was (even though we both usually appreciate that sort of thing) and not admitting he was wrong. Not a big deal, but then…
We were browsing stuff to watch and he suggested we watch the SNL skit about White Lotus since we had just finished the last episode of White Lotus together. I was agreeable but while he was navigating with the remote, I told him I had it on YouTube TV but he still started searching on YouTube, and then some pop up came up about having to start a free trial that would lead to a paid subscription. He claims he hit, "No thanks" but all I saw was that it went away, and I tried navigating away so that we could watch it on YouTube TV which I already had paid for and I already had SNL recorded on. He started yelling and arguing with me and made a big deal about it. I just wasn't sure and preferred to watch it the way I knew was already covered. He ended up storming off and so did I. I wasn't even really sure what we were mad about - it just felt to me like he always thinks he's right about everything - like the rainbow from the plane - and maybe THIS thing he was right about but he isn't right about everything and why does he have to yell at me and gaslight me and make me feel like I’m wrong all the time?
We got in a little exchange earlier today, too. He wakes up so much later than me, which is fine, but then he has to have his cereal even we planned to go get breakfast, which we did for today - we were planning to go to the Biscuit Bar. But it was pretty rainy this morning so I suggested maybe we didn't go out and then he wanted to sit and watch something so I had suggested the White Lotus season finale since he had wanted to watch that together. He agreed and we put it on, but half way through he started getting antsy because the sun had come out. He decided he wanted to go do his walk then, and because I had a migraine, he told me to rest, even though I had told him multiple times that napping or going back to bed doesn't actually help the migraine at all. It was irritating for a few reasons to me, for one, I don't like being told what to do, especially something that isn't helpful. But also, with the sun coming out, I was thinking that would be a great time to go to the Biscuit Bar at the Stockyards, where he would get some steps anyways. I don't mind that he wants to do these walks on his own, that's sort of his thing, but they're usually later in the evening when I'm sort of tuckered out and don't want to do much anyways. Here I was, sitting around all morning, waiting for him to be ready to go and for the rain to stop, and he was suggesting leaving me to do nothing for an hour or more. I decided to tell him my thoughts, and once again, we had one of those exchanges, I don't think I'd call them fights, but we go back and forth because I don't feel like he understands me and it's like he's giving me the answer based on his understanding. He sometimes interrupts me or badgers me when I'm trying to think of how to respond without being crazy emotional or whatever. But that just makes it worse because he fills the air with all his words and why he's right and doesn't give me the space I need to say my piece. After I finally got to explain to him my feelings, he agreed we should get ready and go to the Biscuit Bar instead. Then I just felt like a pouty child who cries until she gets her way. That's not my intention and I certainly don’t want to come off like that. I think part of it is that I like having a plan and following the plan, even with some flexibility for circumstances. But when the plan changes without my consent, that unnerves me. It throws me into a spiral.
It's so strange to me that we keep having these exchanges because he also likes to say how chill of a guy he is. But this is not chill. The TV blow up thing was definitely not chill. He always encourages me to talk through things when I'm unhappy, but then he doesn't seem to listen fully, he gets defensive and explains why he's right and all that, instead of just letting me explain what's upsetting me and collaborating with me to come up with a compromise. It usually ends with his way or my way, to be fair I often get my way, but it's not because I'm right or because I make it too hard for him to disagree, it's like he just gives in but makes me feel like shit about it.
I don't know. I feel like today, I've had my guard up a little. Like, I'm more keen to key off of the things that are bad about him and our relationship. I feel like I'm mentally and emotionally trying to sever my feelings for him because I'm now afraid in a way that I wasn't before. I'm afraid that he's going to say he doesn't want to live with me or to love me or to marry me or to be my boyfriend. He's going to decide that and I will have no option but to break up with him because I clearly am not satisfied with the way things are. I want my happily ever after and I'm willing to pay a lot for that, but it needs to be with us living on the same side of the planet.
And obviously, fighting him internally and externally isn't going to help him decide he wants to be with me every day. Am I sabotaging the relationship so that I can have control of how it ends? Or have I been minimizing these obvious problems we have because I wanted to believe in a future with him?
He started this analogy a few days ago about how owning cats teaches you consent because cats don't follow commands, whereas dog owners must be controlling and that's why they own dogs. But it seems to me like he treats me - with all due respect to myself - like a dog. That is, he tells me what to do and if I don't do it, he tries to coax me into it, like a dog owner might do using a treat as incentive to comply. Whereas I feel like I treat him more like a cat, he wants to go do his own thing, I let him, he wants to not be touched, I let him, he wants to put his feet on my lap instead of holding me, I let him. I don't like it, but he defines the amount of time we spend together and the amount of touching I'm allowed. So aren't I the cat owner and he the dog owner?
I shared my concerns with him, about how he's very critical of me, and about how I couldn't reconcile our past conversations with him not understanding that living together was a future must for me. He did that weird thing where he reassured me that he had, in fact, understood that, but explained it away. It was something about how he didn't realize the timeline - the future is a future problem so why think about it now? I guess is what I took away from his perspective.
So I don't really know where that leaves me. I was very unhappy initially, and considering ending things before he has a chance to break my heart. But I did the mental gymnastics to help me grateful for what I have - a person who wants to spend time with me and message me, and is willing to also let me date other people. Ending things doesn't really benefit me in any way except to satisfy whatever toxic trait wants me to control the way the relationship ends. So I can allow it to continue while exploring other options, as I desire. And truthfully, I don't really want to explore other options. I want to have my relationship assured so that I can focus my mental energy on improving myself and my life - working on my book, taking college courses, exercising and eating healthy. If I were to break up with him, then my mind would wander to the "what ifs" and I'd be stewing over him not fighting even for me. I'd then go back to spending time and emotional and mental energy on dating again. It just isn't what I want. So I guess, for now, I'm accepting the lesser of the two evils - a non-committed partner who is great in a lot of ways, but doesn't give me everything I need, and the option to spend my time pursuing others or doing "me" things. And I have a partner to share my fun travel adventures with, for now. Onto Hawaii in June!
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