Will I Never Be Satisfied?

I just got home from Australia a few hours ago and it was a tough journey. I found myself envisioning Sam being along with me, occupying the seat next to me instead of the annoying men who don't respect personal space. I wished he could be there with me. At home, I ate my comfort food - ramen - and started some laundry from the trip and getting myself organized for the week ahead. I am glad to be back at home with my bidets and smart speakers and comfy recliner chair and even my TV streaming services. But I miss him in a way that I didn't think I would when I left.

This trip was probably the best one yet in terms of us understanding each other and providing what the other needs and wants. Sam gave me so many cuddles and I was so comfortable with him. Leaving wasn't hard because it felt like we were solid, but I also think I had gotten in the habit of seeing him again soon and now I won't see him for a few months. I know I can stick it out for a few more months until we hit the one year mark which is his milestone, but I don't want to. I feel so lonely all of a sudden. It has been okay for me to know that he and I have plans and when we text and video call. Just knowing he was in my life felt like that was enough for me to get through my day to day and focus on work and the other things in my life. Suddenly, it no longer feels like enough. I had a taste of having him in my daily life and it cemented for me that that's what I want.

Earlier this week I was questioning whether I loved him, but now I'm back in the lovey dovey camp. I look at photos of him and just feel an overwhelming calm and love for his gorgeous smile and even his playful frowns. He likes to repurpose the lines from Hamilton to joke that I will never be satisfied, and I don't fully agree with it… I want more but that doesn't mean I'm not satisfied. But right now, yeah, I will not be satisfied until we are living together or at least in the same state (let alone country, or continent even). Is that obsession or love? I don't know but I'm calling it love. I just love him so much.