Don't Be a Miserable Squatter: Essential Tips for Your Astoria Trip

I feel like Astoria should be one of those places I only need to visit once. And really, did I actually need to go at all? Yet, despite the terrible weather and the unpleasant fishy smell and the undesirable hiking, there's a pull on me to go back again in the future. I wouldn't want to live there, to be sure, but maybe a ten year anniversary trip to commemorate my book, or something, would be fun. Regardless, I thought I'd document my learnings for future travelers to Astoria, myself included. 

Before You Go

Learn the history before you go. Of course I'd be remiss if I didn't promote my book, "The Miserable Squatter’s Guide to Manifest Destiny." Other good ones depending on what part of the history you want to read about include "Astoria: An Oregon History" by Karen L. Leedom, "Kanaka" by Tom Koppel, and "Astor: The Rise and Fall of an American Dynasty" by Anderson Cooper and Katherine Howe. For good visuals, I recommend the Postcard History book "Astoria" by  Andrea Larson Perez, and "Astoria: An Adventure in History" by John Goodenberger which is hilariously illustrated by Roger McKay. 

The Grotto (and Labyrinth)

If flying into Portland, I highly recommend the stop here, exactly as I did. Would not change a thing. The Labyrinth was so unexpectedly experiential, I'd be interested in hearing what others feel and experience on their own journeys. 

First Stop: The Column

I would definitely recommend starting at the Astoria Column (drive, don't walk like I did), especially if the sky is blue and visibility is clear. I suggest this mainly because you get the free passes to all the other museums with your parking fee, so it’s a money saver in that regard, but also because it's a quick drive up and the parking pass is good for days, so you can keep returning as I did for different views (day/night, gloomy/clear). 

If the weather is good and you're up for a hike, do the Cathedral Tree Trail just off the parking lot. The forest is gorgeous and the views on a clear day could be really cool. 

If you think you'd like to sit and enjoy the views, bring a towel with you to wipe off the chairs (even on a clear day, it is a generally moist environment, so better to have the towel and not need it…). 

You can buy a little glider at the gift shop. If you're up for a climb, go up the windy stairs to the top, I'm sure the view from up there is amazing and probably unobstructed. You'll be able to see the ocean on a clear day. 

Other Recommended Places

Definitely visit The Heritage Museum and Flavel House Museum. I am not a museum person and I thoroughly enjoyed both of these, especially knowing the stories behind the artifacts I was seeing. 

Your visit to Astoria is not complete without stopping at the Fort Astoria / Fort George park. There's no admission, and there's really not much to do there, so just go on your way to something else, it'll take five minutes, twenty if you really push it. 

I didn't visit the Film Museum but if you are a film fan or Goonies fan, it is undoubtedly a good place to stop. There are also a couple shops / businesses that are Goonies themed if you're interested as well. 

Grab a tea, a loaf of sour dough, and/or lunch at the Blue Scorcher Bakery and Café. It was so good, I went twice for the grilled cheese. The chai tea was "all spice, no sweet" as the barista told me, and it delivered! 

Fort George Brewery had great pizza, great beer and a great atmosphere. Definitely a good stop. I didn't make it to the Astoria Brewery, but it would be on my list if I went back. 

Where to Stay

I noticed a place called the Cannery Pier & Spa when looking at a map or something, and it seemed like a cool place to stay potentially. 

That being said, I cannot say enough about where I stayed. The historic Captain Johnson house hosted by John on Airbnb was absolutely perfect. It was cozy inside, the bathroom was perfectly operable (and I'm very judgey about bathrooms), the toiletries were lovely, the bed was comfortable, there was furniture for sitting, eating and working, a kitchenette for preparing and storing food, TVs with streaming, board games and notably Goonies-themed games which might have been fun to play with others, especially fans. It was walkable to food, shops, sites and museums, and parking was no problem (unless your parallel parking is rusty - an opportunity to practice!).

General Recommendations

As far as solo trips like this goes, I should have brought my portable tripod because there were a few times I wished I could have someone take a picture of me instead of my usual selfie, and there wasn't always someone around (and I don't really like to ask people - lol). Especially at the Astoria Column, it would have been nice to capture different angles. 

As with walking most places, I would definitely recommend varying your routes when you can, go up one street and back down on another, and also varying which side of the street you walk on. I noticed more historic markers this way, and more details like lovely flowers and different scenic views. 

As a bonus, Pokemon Go actually helped me identify a headstone I hadn't realized was there, so it pays off to play Pokemon Go as one way of exploring a new place.