Thursday, March 7, 2013

Nothing but Excuses

In August 2011 I wrote a journal asking myself who is chasing me.  The journal resulted in me deciding upon my next boyfriend, and we started dating soon thereafter.  The man I shall refer to as Excuses was mentioned in that journal, and I had blatantly rejected him as a viable option, out of the anger and frustration with his constant lame ass excuses.  Now that I am single again, I am once again faced with the question, who is chasing me?  I decided that my next relationship would begin only when the guy is pursuing me, and that I would pursue no one.  I will put myself out there and allow guys to pursue me, that is all.  
Excuses is one of those guys.  I have spent weeks putting myself out there, waiting for him to take the bait, without really committing myself to pursuing him - that would break the rules.  I do recall a time when I liked being single because I was hardly ever alone - I juggled open relationships with several guys at once, always mixing it up and never getting bored.  It worked out for the guys involved, too, because I didn't rely on any one of them or wear them down too much; I could always lean on someone else if my first choice wasn't available when I wanted something.  But I realized somewhere in that charade that the only way to feel totally fulfilled would be to actually commit to one person and pursue him.  And since then, I've not been able to enjoy singledom like I once did.  Now, I want to be in a serious relationship, the forever kind of relationship, and I require that the guy meet certain intellectual and entertainment criteria.  I am not as picky about the physical; I blame my most recent ex- for breaking me of my attachment to that.  I am hesitant to let go of my criteria around career ambitions, but I suppose that can be dealt with later.  

As the nickname implies, Excuses is problematic for me because he always has some reason why he can't get together.  Even when it was clear he really liked me, he still had things come up that would prevent him from seeing me, and it was really a turn off.  I'll share my blurb on how I feel about excuses later; for now, suffice it to say that I live by the "No Excuses" rule, so my man Excuses really gets under my skin.    

I've been considering Excuses as a potential boyfriend, like I never really did before.  There were times before my most recent relationship in which I WANTED to like Excuses, but couldn't get over the physical.  I had been that way with my ex- at one point, too, but had somehow gotten over his physique.  Yet I still couldn't get over Excuses', especially because when he took me out, he seemed to slick his hair down in an especially annoying way.  Now, post-breakup, I was imagining the idea of him really diving into the relationship like my ex- never did.  That would be a pleasant change of scenery, even if he didn't have what it took to be my boyfriend.  Still, I want my next relationship to be my last, so I'm very cautious to consider Excuses because I don't like his attitude.  I would certainly require him to move in very quickly, another thing my ex- never did wholeheartedly, and I think it could have saved my relationship.  Ah well.  I'm not sure if that would be enough with Excuses.  We could have great conversations and do fun things together, and maybe being domesticated with him would make other things less important; but I fear he wouldn't have enough money or vacation time to go on more extravagant trips, and I really want someone to travel the world with me as an equal partner, not me being a sugar mama.  

Truly, my recent fascination with Excuses is a direct result of my needing a fantasy to fixate on.  I settled on Excuses because, I guess, the jury is still out on him.  I've made decisions and accepted others' decisions, so many of the men in my life will never again have boyfriend candidacy, but there has been nothing final to say case closed with Excuses.  I've thus played up a fantasy Excuses who sweeps me off my feet.  I've had to protect my heart and remind myself that fantasy Excuses is far from real Excuses, and that the two might never unite.  Still, fantasy Excuses is fun to play with, and to help me get started, I've been playing with the real Excuses via text message.  It's a little sick, but not entirely evil and selfish.  I am, in a way, giving real Excuses a chance to pursue me, if he desires and is worthy.

So, after dozens of innuendo-infested sext messages over a couple weeks, Monday night Excuses hinted that he wanted to do something, and I invited him over.  I wanted to give him a birthday kiss, so I waited for Carly, my dog, to relax a little, and then I grabbed him and kissed him.  It was a kiss that easily places in the top 5 most awkward kisses ever.  It was brief, and we moved on.  We sat side by side on the couch and watched TV and chatted and drank wine.  I took advantage of getting up to pour more wine to then sit closer in a spot where his arm was suddenly around me.  As the night wore on, I sunk more and more into his arms.  I decided it was time to correct my earlier failure, so I turned around and kissed him again, this time much longer and more passionate, but still wholly awkward and unfamiliar.  Then I plopped down on this chest and threw my leg over his, and found the sweet spot of cuddling.  That, alone, made my night.  It was so comfortable laying on his chest, I never wanted it to end.  I buried myself in his chest, not wanting to move but feeling a little silly, and finally lifted my head to talk to him, without moving away from that sweet spot entirely.  I asked him what it was he wanted, and he said he didn't know.  So I left it at that, and we eventually bid each other good night with the first ever good kiss between us.  

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