One might think after such a spectacularly perfect night with The Flipflopper, maybe there's hope after all. Think again, you crazy romantic fools! The Flipflopper and I have had some nice phone conversations, but when we planned to do something later that week, and he didn't show up, and he didn't answer my text, and he didn't answer my text the day after, and he still hasn't answered me, I gotta say I'm a little disappointed. I have no idea what that was all about, but I guess that's why I'm not his girlfriend. Major fail on your part, Mr. Flipflopper. See you on the flip side!
It is now time I introduce you to Fidgets. I met Fidgets after not completing a hike I was ill-prepared for at Tom's Thumb in Scottsdale. I was with a Meetup group for the hike, but decided that they were much too fit for me and I couldn't keep up. I made it pretty close to the top, but then I saw a big down-up and I was just not interested in that (it felt like Picacho Peak all over again - oi vey!). So I took some great pictures from the point I had made it too, and headed down. I was jogging most of the way down, using the corner banks of the trail to slow myself down as gravity pulled me towards the bottom. It was easily the most fun I've had going down a mountain, and it was all me. So when I got to the bottom, I felt like I should wait for my Meetup group, or something. I saw Fidgets sitting on a little wall and asked if I could join him.
Within minutes, Fidgets and I were talking about what we did for work, and which hikes were our favorites, and what else we do for fun. He was clearly interested in me (can you blame him?), and without even asking my name, he asked for my phone number. I hesitated, a million excuses going through my mind that I could give him instead of my number. But something about his confidence made me want to keep playing. So I gave it to him, and then waited for him to realize he didn't know what name to tie with the phone number. I spelled it for him, and I assume he got it wrong, because he has since always texted me using my name short one letter. I've even corrected him in text, and he still didn't get it. Doi! But I'm jumping ahead. After a little more banter, I decided to call it and headed to my car.
I scarfed down a Chipotle barbacoa burrito, as is my usual after-hike meal, and drew a bath immediately after getting home. If ever there was such a type of personality as a "bath person", that would be me. I could soak in the bath for hours on end. I sometimes sleep in the bath when I'm having a hard time going to bed. The bath is my migraine cure, my clear-your-head de-stresser, my me time and my favorite form of relaxation. The glories of homeownership are nothing if not for the ability to make a complete sanctuary in the bathroom, and that is exactly what I've done. My bathroom project started with me wanting to fix the tile because it was falling off, but once I had some of it down, I decided to go for it and install a giant whirlpool tub, which then involved modifying the plumbing and ended with a complete custom plumbing job to accommodate my waterfall bath faucet and amazing tile work by the sweetest guy I've ever had the privilege to know, My Boyscout. I used to enjoy traveling because hotels often have nice bathtubs, but my bathtub is so awesome now that I am homesick whenever I'm in a hotel with a mediocre bath. I am so spoiled, though, that I found a slight problem with my bath; I would stay in it so long that the water would get cold. Luckily, there's a heater attachment that My Boyscout helped me install. The next problem was that, especially in the summer, the water actually got too hot. Can you believe it? Again I lucked out, because my boyfriend at the time was handy with electrical things, and he modified a thermostat to turn the heater off when the water was hot enough and turned it back on as it got cooler. The last accessory my bath needed was a waterproof case for my phone so I can use it in there; I have it now and it's spectacular.
So it was just after my lunch, as I was soaking my sore muscles in the bath, when Fidgets texted me. Mind you, this is all of maybe an hour after meeting. He asked if we could get together that day! I had plans starting around 7:30, so I almost said no, but again, something made me want to play his little game and see where it went. Call me sick, but I played. I told him we could meet in the afternoon, and he suggested either coffee or wine. This is an important detail for later - HE suggested coffee or wine. I told him I don't like coffee, so wine would be my preference. He asked where we should meet. Now, guys, if the girl has to do ALL the work, then you aren't allowed to complain about the arrangements. And really, if you want to impress a girl, you should take her out to someplace cool based on what she wants to do, not make her figure everything out! Ok, so I told Fidgets that there was a wine and cheese bar I've been meaning to check out in Ahwatukee, and asked him if that sounded good. He agreed, and then asked if we could hang out there for a time, because he was worried about driving right after drinking. I said it shouldn't be a problem we can hang out there and talk for a few hours. We agreed to meet at 3, and I went back to enjoying my bath.
I arrived about 2:54, so I wasn't expecting Fidgets to be there yet, although he texted me when he was about to leave and when he was leaving and when he had left (seriously?!?). I looked around the shop and admired the collection, not only great local wine but some pretty neat craft beer, too. Before long, I felt silly dilly-dallying around, so I ordered a glass of wine and sat down. Fidgets finally arrived just after I sat down, and he got himself a glass and joined me. We talked for maybe 15 minutes, while he gulped his wine down (for all intents and purposes, he chugged his wine). Then he asked if we could buy a bottle and go back to my house. I told him I had plenty of wine there, but we weren't going there right now. He seemed to disregard what I said, and went to pay our tab and then came back and asked if I was ready to go.
"No, I thought we'd sit and chat for a bit. I really want to try their cheese plate." He didn't like it, but sat down again. He kept urging me to finish my wine so we could go, and when I asked him "go where?" he'd say my place, which I told him wasn't going to happen. Finally, he asked me why and I explained that I don't bring random guys whom I barely know back to my place, and that he was frankly coming off as trying to get laid. He acted completely hurt by this, but I didn't buy it for a second. He insisted that he wasn't "that type of guy", to which I replied that I had heard that before. He pretended to be so offended that I was bucketing him with other guys who have followed the same pattern. I told him to own up to it; if he wanted to change my mind then he could sit here and enjoy the day and talk to me and convince me he wasn't like that. He kept insisting that he was uncomfortable there and he just wanted to get comfortable. I know what that means, he wants to get naked!
He then tried a new angle, saying he couldn't possibly stay and have another glass of wine because then he'd be drunk and he wouldn't be able to drive anywhere. So I proposed we go to a coffee shop so he can have his coffee, and I would drink tea or something. By his reaction, you would have thought I was proposing blasphemy! "I can't drink coffee after wine!" This, too, will be an important detail for later. The most dramatic part of our evening was when he played up being hurt by my accusation so much that he literally got up, stormed off and drove away. I just sat there for a minute. Then I saw an empty table outside, and decided I would move my party of one out there.
I went up to the counter, ordered another glass of wine and the cheese plate, and then told them I'd be moving to the outside table. They brought it out in no time, and I started enjoying my peace. Fidgets just couldn't let it go, and he started texting me all this "thank you for meeting me, it was nice to meet you, thank you for your honesty" garbage. I had every intention to ignore him, but in the spirit of killing another hour or two, I played it cool, "It was fun, and thank you for the wine. I'm sorry you felt you had to leave. And the cheese plate is fantastic." It took him a minute to reply, and then he asked if he should come back. I thought of all sorts of nasty remarks, but again, I was direct and sweet, "Yes, I would like that."
He showed back up after a few minutes, and set his coffee on the table. Oh yes, there he was, drinking coffee after wine. Blasphemer! I couldn't help myself. I playfully joked about how he couldn't possibly have coffee after wine, and he said he needed it because he was drunk. "Oh yeah, that's right, that's why we were going to sit and stay here for a while. Isn't that what you said in your text?" He then insisted that he had wanted to go get coffee, not wine. I pointed out that he had given me both options, and that I didn't like coffee.
He really didn't like me pointing out all his missteps and hypocrisy. I was enjoying myself immensely. The conversation went on like this, with the sporadic insistence that we go somewhere, and me shutting him down every time. Finally, when the cheese plate was gone and I had finished my wine and some water, I agreed to go "for a drive" with him. I had a feeling I knew what that meant, but decided I would enjoy breaking his nose if he tried anything stupid.
Sure enough, he took me in his car to a deserted parking lot, parked, and then laid his seat back. He told me I should too, and I said no, I was quite comfortable as it was. He started leaning on me and kissing my arm, and I just sat there, talking. I think I was killing him a little with my, oh what's the word, self-respect? He then confessed to me how much he liked me, how wonderful I was, how he was attracted to my strong will and ambition. Valentine's Day was coming up, and he asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day. A decent date would be nice, I thought. I told him I'd get back to him. I asked him what his plans were for the year in terms of travel or fun stuff. He asked for suggestions in the US, and I have no idea why, but the first thing that came out of my mouth was a recommendation to go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. He said he didn't like crowds. But, since he had previously bragged about how much money he has, I said well if you don't mind spending a little money, then you can get a balcony overlooking the street, so you can be away from the mobs of people and still enjoy the riot and see girls flash you for beads. That piqued his interest; apparently he wasn't aware of the Mardi Gras traditions. I told him a little more about it, and he said he'd definitely like to go, but only if I accompany him. I said I would if he paid, since it wasn't in my budget. He agreed.
Fidgets asked what I was doing the next day, and I said I didn't yet have plans. He said he was playing in a Cricket game, after which we should do something. I told him I'd actually really like to see him play, if he didn't mind. I knew Cricket games were long, so I said I'd come for the latter part of it. He agreed it was a good idea and promised to text me the address so I could go the next morning. So here we were, having met just five hours prior, in a deserted parking lot, making plans for the near future, Valentine's Day, and a trip. Not bad for a day's work. Then he started getting a little more physically aggressive, and actually interrupted me while I was telling a story. Now it was my turn to be offended. I insisted he take me back to my car, I was done with him for the night, but that I would see him tomorrow at his game. He put me off, and said 20 more minutes, and I demanded that he respect me. After a few minutes of this, he agreed and took me back to my car. There, he asked if he could kiss me, to which I said no, he could hug me. He just starred at me, shocked, as I got out of his car and walked to the driver's side door. "Come on, get out, I'll give you a hug," I said. He looked so surprised, and I gave him a hug, dodged his attempt at a kiss, said good night and drove away. I was seriously laughing the whole way to my next appointment.
When I arrived at the party, I looked at my phone and saw I had four text messages from him. They read as follows:
"Hello lura nice meeting you today""I was thought about the conversation we had wile driving you will find better person than me good luck and good bye""Thanks for the evening and the valuable feedback you provided to me your just awesome""Bye now"
I guess that means we broke up. Fastest. Relationship. Ever.
I ignored his messages, had a decent time at the party (it was a singles thing, I ended up talking to a gorgeous guy who had just gotten divorced and was clearly not ready to be out again). I knew I hadn't heard the last from Fidgets, and I was right. He texted me a few days later, and has continued to text me from time to time. I answer sometimes, but have not agreed to meet with him again yet.