We'll Always Have Scotland

Sam has been a little colder with me this week and I feel like something is up. He's been consistent with telling me it's okay for me to see people here locally - that he understands I want and need physical attention and that he isn't here to give it to me. My head takes him at his word - he's never lied to me that I know of or hides behind half-truths or anything like that. And yes, we have a pretty unconventional relationship being that we're on the opposite sides of the world and our time zones barely allow us to connect. Still, my heart can't help but cause me to wonder if he's trying to push me away, to ease me into distancing by encouraging me to find someone locally whose arms I can fall into.

He and I agreed to always speak up when we were uncomfortable so I told him as much - that maybe it was my insecurities but I felt like he was pushing me away. I told him I've tried seeing other people, which is true, but they're not him, and he's the one I want. I poured my heart out to him - I want him to ask me to be his and to talk about our future but I'm not even sure he wants me like that. And when I ask, the response I get is that we're all good. That is NOT an acceptable romantic gesture when I am scared and uncertain and vulnerable. But how can I push him? I've been such an emotional wreck lately - beyond my norm and not even feeling like myself - and I worry that the emotional roller coaster is what is pushing him away. So I decide to play it cool and do what I can to take him at his word.

Last night he never said good morning to me like usually does. He showed online - I hate that WhatsApp gives me that stalkerish ability but you know I'm going to use it when I can - he showed online eight minutes before I decided to message him, and he didn't get back online or respond until 3 am my time.

It makes me upset because I don't want to lose him. But then, lately, I've started to ask myself if he really is what I want. He refuses to put his arm around me, he puts up a fight when I simply want to hold his hand, he makes excuses not to cuddle, and when he does touch me, he often hurts me with his severe strength. I miss how Brandon touched me - it wasn't super erotic or embarrassing PDA, it was just reassuring and comfortable and constant. I took a newish guy Bert to the hot springs with me last weekend and he started touching me the same way. I liked it, but I'm not sure I am attracted enough to Bert.

So it begs the question - why am I fighting so hard for a relationship that is difficult and makes me unhappy so often? And instantly I know the answer. Sam's infectious persevering positivity through even super annoying or challenging times has inspired me, and he challenges me to be a better person. I haven't had that in so long - if ever, really. I'm always the driving force, I'm always pushing people, and maybe I liked it that someone could top my positivity and make me want to be better. But at what cost? The long-distance thing is cute to begin with, but if he's not serious, how long can I live with him being a vacation fling only? And of our vacations, I've really only thoroughly enjoyed small bits, like Scotland.

He had carried my luggage up and down the stairs for me. He had driven us around because I was too nervous about operating on the other side of the street. We had stopped at random points along the road to take pictures, and I loved that he and I both got excited over the canopy of trees and the animals and the loch. It was like we were the same person. We had our inside jokes, too, we have the same sense of humor. Maybe I've over romanticized it, but I feel like Scotland has been the time I've most enjoyed with him. Well, other than our first two dates when he was here in Dallas for the eclipse, our reason for meeting at all. I remember him kissing me after the first date and him saying, "You don't know how crazy you make me." I loved that. And I remember him holding my hand through the botanic gardens, and him commenting as we walked to my car about how other couples hadn't been holding hands. I tried to recall what I had observed to decide if I agreed with him, and I realized that I hadn't noticed people around at all - he was the center of my attention and the only person I noticed. It was like nobody else existed.

But when he came back to Dallas and I wanted to hold his hand and the like, he talked about how he had already "gotten" me so he didn't need to do all those things anymore. That's almost abusive language, isn't it? We had a fight over it. We've seemed to fight over physical touch every time we've gotten together since. And I'm fairly certain he had his arm around me at the hockey game on our second date, but never again. On the one hand, it's a stupid, shallow thing to make a fuss about when we connect on such a deep level. And on the other hand, it's everything. I'm reluctant now to book my travel - I have been saying for a while that I'd go to Australia after Christmas. But I don't feel terribly welcomed and I am not sure he even wants me anymore. Maybe this is how it ends… he'll just ignore my messages more and more until he fades into memory.

Chasing the Aurora: Chena Hot Springs Resort

I stumbled upon this place while researching tours to check off Life List #7: See an Aurora. I was on the fence about booking a multi-day tour with the premium price it punched, versus winging it and not having the complimentary aurora phone call in the middle of the night. But as I perused their itineraries, I stole shamelessly what sounded like fun - including and probably most importantly, the Chena Hot Springs Resort. Now, those tours only did a day visit or one night stay, whereas doing it on my own meant I could stay for multiple nights. So when I finally decided to make the trip, that's exactly what I did. Unfortunately, the rooms with bathrooms were booked up except for one or two nights so I ended up mixing and matching a little - one room for one night and another room for two more nights. But, that afforded me the opportunity to stay in two different lodges, albeit similar.

Before even arriving at the resort, I got pretty excited because the lady at the rental car counter told me she goes regularly for an evening soak, dinner at the restaurant and aurora viewing after. And she said the Northern Lights had been great recently, which I was thrilled to hear, of course. Anyways, always a good sign for the locals to praise a place.

Getting there from the Fairbanks Airport was quite easy in a rental car - its mostly straight on one road for about an hour through wooded landscapes spotted with ponds, lakes and rivers. Signs warn of moose, horses and even dog sled teams.

The first thing that impressed me when I pulled in through the one-lane bridge was how little it felt gimmicky or tourist-trappy. It was sprawling and there were a couple well-placed signs directing where to go, but other than that, it could almost have been a private residence or a simple small business from the looks of it.

I checked in easily and was given a real key (not a key card), which I actually prefer because I've had too many instances of the key card getting demagnetized or just not working and it's such a hassle! I decided to check out the lodge and locate my room before lugging all my stuff in, so I stopped in at the Moose Lodge first. My room was on the second floor so I walked the length of the floor hoping to find an elevator. With no such luck, I knew I'd have to carry my suitcase up the steps. Not my favorite thing to do, but that's why I packed lightly. Actually in hindsight, since I'd be moving rooms after the first night, I should have just packed what I needed for the one night into my backpack. But I wasn't really sure what I'd need in all fairness, so here we are.

 

The hallway was very warm, like they were overcompensating for the cold by pumping extra heat into the lodge. I wasn't going to complain, though. I did think it was funny when I got to my room and the fan was on and the window was cracked. I got settled into my room and responded to some messages while I debated what to do first. But it was clear, I couldn't wait to get into the hot springs! I slipped into my bathing suit but then faced a funny dilemma - how does one dress appropriately to go swimming but also not freeze while in transit to the pool when its 44 outside? So I basically put back on the clothes I'd been wearing all day over my swimsuit.

After signing the required waiver, I got my towel and headed to the women's locker room. I wasn't sure what I could or should bring into the pool with me, so I left my phone and pretty much everything in the locker, bringing just a bottle of water and the towel. I showered in my bathing suit real quick and then headed outside - wow that's a cold walk! I made it worse by going to the wrong way despite signs that are fairly clear - I got myself to the outdoor hot tub first and it was quite crowded and not what I wanted anyways, so I got myself turned around and headed to the big outdoor hot spring pool.

Stepping in, the water was HOT! It turns out, the whole pool is not that hot, but by certain rocks it is much hotter, including the ramp entering the pool. The pool was very large - probably 4 or 5 times the size of my backyard pool. There were maybe 20 people in there in their little groups and it felt very spacious. What I didn't expect was that the floor of the pool was loose rocks. Not pokey, thank goodness, although some parts were harder.

The soak was glorious! Getting out was rough because you have to once again subject yourself to the biting cold of the outdoors, and those tiny towels were not blocking any of the wind. I decided at a later time that the key was just to soak in the heat for so long that your body maintains the heat and is happy for the cool, crisp air.

After showering, I headed back to my room to get ready for dinner. The restaurant does not take reservations and the wait has been consistent in my experience here, but there is thankfully plenty of comfortable seating in the lobby, bathrooms and a gift shop to make the wait time more bearable or even productive. The food is pretty average - not bad but not anything to rave about. But they have a wide selection, which is great, and you're kind of a captive audience with very few options (if any - I couldn't find any on Google) nearby. If you're on a bit of a budget, it is definitely worth it to bring your own food, especially non-perishable items. There is a microwave in the Activities Center, although the rooms do not have fridges or microwaves.

I was so tired I could barely stay up to do anything, so I called it a night but set my alarm clock for 1:30 am with hopes of seeing the Northern Lights then. I got up dutifully when my alarm went off, although I could see nothing promising out my window. I took my car keys and drove out about 8 miles or so to one of the trailhead parking lots to see if I getting away from the resort would yield any sightings. However, not being totally committed, I was wearing flip-flops and did not have too many layers on, and I got cold quickly. It didn't help that in the total darkness next to the woods, hearing noises behind me totally creeped me out - is it a bear? A wolf? So I gladly got back in the car, but rolled down the window and sat there for a little while longer to give myself a little more time to see something. No dice, and not really even sure if I was in a good position or "doing it right", I gave up and headed back to the hotel. I crashed back into bed with my next alarm set for 6:30.

I woke up the next morning and got ready to go back to the hot springs pool which opens at 7. I wasn't the first one in, but there were only about five or six of us for the first few hours of the morning. Having engaged in a conversation with a local, Rufus, who may or may not have been trying to woo me, I stayed in about two and a half hours - whoops! Instead of going back to my room to shower and get ready, I had brought a fresh set of clothes and toiletries with me, so I basically did all my getting ready there in the locker room. I never ended up using the shower in my hotel room!

Before returning to my room, I stopped by the Activities Center and booked the Aurora Tour from 9:30 pm to 2:30 am that night, as well as the Ice Museum tour for 1 pm. The latter would give me something to do while being "roomless", and the former gave me a much better chance of seeing whatever there was to be seen in the night's sky.

Back at my room, I packed up my stuff and brought it to my car just in time to check out of that room. I left my stuff in the car which actually was quite convenient as I didn't have to go all the way back to my room when I wanted to grab something or drop things off.  

I bought a soda and Gatorade from the cafe and hung out in the Activity Center which was actually quite entertaining and informative. The staff there were really knowledgeable and I learned that there is a dog sledding excursion but you can also just go to the dog yard and pet the dogs. They provided recommendations for hikes of varying lengths and abilities, and talked about the wildlife one may encounter. One activity I passed on but sounded somewhat interesting is the Geothermal Plant Tour.

In preparation for the Ice Museum Tour, I grabbed some extra layers and gloves from my car and returned to the Activity Center to pick up the tour there. The sculptures and architecture sculpted from ice was quite impressive, although to be honest, I was expecting more statues like the award-winning horse sculpture that was in there. Still, it was a fun time, and very cold, as promised. The optional add-on of an Apple Martini served in an ice glass was one of my favorite parts, perhaps because I was quite dehydrated from the hot springs soak that morning (Rufus had offered me water but I declined) and started biting my empty ice glass to get some water. Nevertheless, those of us with glasses partook in the tradition we were informed of, to take the glass out to the parking lot, make a wish, and throw the glasses down to shatter. 

I dropped a couple layers back at my car, and spent some time wandering around the nature trail and then to the dog yard. Unfortunately, the dogs we were allowed to pet were limited to those up for adoption and only if they showed interest. I walked around and most of them were just sleepy and bored looking. One seemed interested but when I approached to pet the pup he or she cowered away. Then one finally got excited about me and tried jumping on me. So I got her to jump up on the box they all have as a little home, and gave her lots of love. In trying to take a selfie, she gave me kisses.

Check in time is technically 4 pm but around 2:30 I headed over to the front desk and asked if it was possible to check in early and sure enough my new room was ready. My thought was to get settled and try to nap all afternoon so as to be able to stay awake for the Aurora Tour. I lugged my suitcase to the room in the far building for the Fox Lodges. Each building is just four rooms connected by one small corridor from the entrance. The nice thing is that there are no stairs. But the rooms are definitely more basic than the Moose Lodge. Still, it was sufficient and I was glad to have a bathroom. Of course, as it seems to go for me, I laid down for my nap and struggled for about two hours during which I don't think I ever got to sleep. I finally relented and got up. I went for a late dinner but started to get anxious as it got closer to tour time since I still needed to added my layers back on (and then some). It worked out, though, I had plenty of time and got to the Activities Center to claim a seat on the bench while I waited with 64 new friends.

I joke, but truthfully I feel I did make some friends on that long and exhilarating tour. First of all, humorously, during role call, my name was called, "Laura, party of 1," and the young woman next to me raised her hand, then "Laura P, party of 1," and I was acknowledged, although obviously I was the first Laura party of 1. Both of us were put into the Bear vehicle with the leading tour guide Alexi (I think?), along with Vanessa and Ethan from Kentucky whom I had met on the Ice Museum Tour earlier that day, a couple from Guatemala, a couple from Mexico City, and another couple. With a half hour trek crammed in these arctic tanks, and a half hour back, plus time in the yurt together, we definitely got to know each other. But I am getting ahead of myself.

So obviously we loaded into the little arctic tanks (I'm not sure what they're called but that seems fitting enough) and it was a bit of a bumpy ride with no snow to soften the lack of shocks. But it was warm
enough, especially with the body heat of my fellow passengers in such tight quarters. I think the worst part of the trip is that we were seated perpendicular to the direction of travel and going uphill, so I felt like I was using one oblique side of my abs only and it was wearing me out. There were bars on the ceiling which seemed secure enough, although I wasn't entirely sure if they were meant to be grab bars. But they were cold so you didn't want to grip them for long, plus gripping them puts your arms in an uncomfortable position and blocks your conversation a bit. Nevertheless, not a bad trip, and at least we can chalk it up to an experience!

I had no idea what to expect on this tour - if we'd be going to multiple spots, for example. Turns out, no, they just take us to a specific spot where they have two large yurts set up and nicely heated, with folding chairs. There were two portapotties which were spacious, heated and had nice smelly candles. Once they gave us the rundown, they set us loose to basically do what we wanted for several hours. They played music in the "main" yurt and served complimentary hot beverages and noodles at request. Obviously, the main attraction would be if/when the Aurora appeared, and they said they would make it obvious so we didn't have to be out there watching. We were allowed to bring our chairs out if we wanted. Once we were set loose, many people lined up for beverages or headed outside.

I decided to just sit for a bit and buckle down until I decided to do something different. I don't think it was ten minutes, maybe not even five, before our driver popped his head through the door and said, "Umm, yeah so the Northern Lights have started." So non-chalantly! I thought they'd be yelling it triumphantly!

It wasn't much when it started, but it lasted for the remainder of the time we were out there, putting on more of a show after midnight and even more so right as we left. The first few times I went out with my chair and set up my tripod and made a time of it. But it was really cold and getting colder, so each time I went in and back out again, I brought less, until it was just me and my tripod, leaving my bag and chair in the yurt. At one break from the cold, I had some hot chocolate, and another, I had the noodles, adding Sriracha to my liking. There were periodic meteors shooting also, which made me wonder what the chances would be of capturing one in my pictures of the Aurora.

Imagine my joy when, and I'm not even sure how this happened, my phone captured a one second video of the Aurora dancing and a meteor shooting! It was absolutely beautiful, and if I wasn't already elated from just seeing the Northern Lights, that just quadrupled my excitement. I was so excited when I saw it as I was looking at my pictures in the yurt, but then I looked around and didn't see anyone to share it with. Finally, some of my group came in and I got to show them what I had captured excitedly. They all agreed it was pretty awesome and we exchanged contact info so I could share it with them once we were back in a service area.

Ethan and Vanessa admired all my photos and were struggling to take decent ones holding their iPhone in their hands. I encouraged them to take my tripod and use that, and they were grateful at how much better their pictures turned out and even took some pictures of themselves. I joined them and they were able to get a couple pictures of me and then I did some better ones of them on my phone.

On the way back, those from my group who hadn't yet seen my pictures got to see them, especially the meteor one, and they all shared in my excitement. It was a bit colder so we turned on the heater and while some of them seemed cold still, I was quite comfy in my layers. We got back to the Activity Center and wearily bid adieu and I headed to my cabin to go to bed. I was surprised at how awake I was and that I hadn't nodded off once - I supposed to adrenaline of the experience had kept me going. I couldn't wait to post the pictures so I got the post started, knowing on the slow wifi it would take a while to post, and finally went to bed.

And well, mission accomplished! For the short remainder of my stay, I enjoyed more of the hot springs and the outdoor hot tub, ate at the restaurant and mostly kicked back in my room, reading, napping and writing.  

If you're considering a trip to the Fairbanks area to see the Northern Lights, definitely plan to come during the peak season. And if you aren't a fan of the cold, the hot springs resort is an incredible option. The tour was great, too! 

Aurora Tour - Photos and Vids from Chena Hot Springs Resort 1 Oct 2024

 

Finding Meaning, Finding Happiness

 I recently watched these shows called "Seeking Sister Wives" and "Seeking Brother Husbands" and I couldn't help juxtapose the two perspectives. The polygamous families portrayed are very spiritual and/or religious about their approach to having more wives. The polyandrous families seem to be more about the women bending the men's wills to their own conditions, and is more about maintaining  relationships while dating new partners instead of bringing new partners into a family. Either way, both is about wanting more, not being content with the "normal" family structure. And then I watched a few episodes of "Coming from America" in which American families, predominantly black, move to Africa to seek better lives.

It just makes me think that everyone is seeking this meaning and happiness, and I'm not alone in being discontented. The typical materials on finding meaning and happiness talk about how it's not about achieving milestones or obtaining things, but more about appreciating what you have. So why are so many people, who all seem like they have plenty grateful for, myself included, still unhappy?

I would say that I am especially grateful for the fact that my life has afforded me the opportunities to try different ways of living (within limits, to be fair) - condo, apartment, beach house, desert suburbs, having a pool, etc. I do believe that there is a level of financial stability and having your home set up just right that makes being happy easier.

Where I'm at now in my life feels like another crossroads is coming. I'm dating this wonderful man in Sydney and the distance has been so hard but every time I talk to him I feel encouraged and fall for him a little more. I just moved to Fort Worth this year and have pretty much decided I hate it. I am getting used to it, to be fair, and the cooler temperatures as we get into fall is making it less insufferable. But while I would love to have Sam move in with me, I’m not sure that Texas is the place for me, let alone for us. Sam seemed to like his time here quite a bit, and I liked Sam taking in the sun in the backyard.

Being very internationally minded, I feel like Sam and I could live anywhere and be happy together. He's definitely a beach guy and I've always felt pulled to the ocean as well, so if we were to live together in the US, it feels like Florida would be the best place. I've felt pulled back to Florida ever since I left, and I guess technically since before I moved there in the first place. But I've also thought about moving to Sydney to be with him there. I loved my vacation in Australia years ago, and am so looking forward to going back there at the end of this year.

It also makes me wonder, though, maybe I'd like to try Italy, Denmark, Sweden, or the UK. Obviously, the UK would be easy in some ways because of the language, but it's also on an island and one of the appeals to me to be in Europe is that you can train to different countries. I've never visited Denmark or Sweden so I guess I should probably visit there before thinking about moving. Costa Rica also is an appealing place, but not sure if the bugs would kill me there. Singapore, Thailand, Japan are also on my list I think, although again, I've never even visited Thailand or Singapore, so probably need to do that. There is just so much I want to do! Maybe staying put and traveling from DFW is a decent idea for now.

Sleep Deprived or Depressed

 I have been in a lull with my work and my recent review was a pretty strong testament to that. My boss was amazingly crafty in delivering an appreciative message while expressing the things I need to work on, and I felt like I had disappointed him and let myself down. I've known that I likely have sleep apnea for quite a while, but in Hawaii having my family reject even sleeping in the same room as me kind of irritated me to the point of deciding I have to deal with it. Well, life has been busy, but I finally decided to pursue a sleep study.

I have this weird anxiety about making phone calls or answering the phone, so it takes me some mental energy to prepare for making phone calls. So this process is a little hard for me. First, I tried calling the sleep center directly, but they said I would need a referral from a primary care doctor - which I don't have. So then I tried Teledoc, thinking that there wasn't anything a doctor would need to examine me physically for, so I hoped I could get the referral that way. I was very frustrated to find out that the doctor took the appointment knowing that's what I wanted but couldn't give me a referral. So I ended up turning it into renewing my asthma inhaler so at least I'd get something out of the fact that I had to pay for the Teladoc appointment. So, I finally researched a good doctor and made an appointment.

I have to say, not only was I seen quickly which is always nice, but the doctor immediately made me feel like she cared and was going to help me get the care I needed. When I explained to her both my sleep issues and my emotional challenges, she connected the two and explained how the lack of sleep puts my body into fight or flight mode and constantly stresses out my body even if I don't feel stressed. It was such a relief to know that maybe there's nothing wrong with me mentally, it's just a health condition which I have no control over. I even brought up being overweight and she said that when you're suffering from lack of sleep then it's much harder to make good eating choices and have the energy to work out. Not only that, but that stress on your body puts you into starvation mode and conserves fat, which could relate to why I've felt that my metabolism is broken. So, it seems like maybe this sleep problem is more than just annoying my family - it's been making my life much harder and hurting my health. I felt so seen and heard.

The doctor did ask me a number of pointed questions relating to mental illness to determine if I was depressed, and she asked directly if I was depressed. I wasn't totally truthful in my answers, knowing that affirmative answers may lead to a depression diagnosis or suspicion or whatever. I didn't want to go down that path because I don't believe it's true of me. But afterwards, it made me wonder why I was so guarded about it. Is it the stigma? Or denial? I mean, I have been in a rut lately and disengaged with my work which I usually love. On paper, my life is pretty damn great, and I'm still discontent. Maybe I am depressed? But I think it's easy to feel like that if I'm tired, too, and it's taken me this long to get to pursuing a sleep study, I think I'll see if that solves some problems and go from there.

I Cry

 It happened again today. I knew it was coming for weeks. My midyear review. Yes, I know it's September. My poor boss was probably dreading it and figuring out how to deliver both complimentary and constructive feedback without making me cry. And to be fair, we did get through that part without the waterworks. I held it together and he delivered my review well. It was when he asked me to give him feedback, which I had been thinking about for a few weeks knowing it was coming. And I knew I would cry before I started, and before I started, I started to cry. My boss is awesome. He asked if I felt safe and I told him I did. I wish I could explain to him, to myself, and preferably, not have to explain.


Times when I cry:
When I don't feel like my opinion or viewpoint is being heard. I don't require agreement, just understanding, and when I don't get that, I tear up.
When I feel seen and deeply appreciated.
When I appreciate others deeply.
When strangers get engaged to marry.
When people get fiery and angry about something that I also am frustrated with.
When someone talks about the end of life.
When literally anyone on TV cries for any reason.
When someone I respect pays me a very flattering compliment.
When I have to give constructive feedback to my manager. Doesn't matter if I feel safe or not with him/her, if I have to give feedback and tear up and ugly cry. Even the thought of giving feedback to my manager makes me cry, so saying that I don't have feedback wouldn't even prevent the tears.
When someone I care about is going through a hard time.
When I think about how I can't get control of my crying.
When my favorite TV show ends. Even re-watching the last episode of The Big Bang Theory makes me cry. Every. Time. Coming to the end of Ted Lasso wrecked me.


Possible explanations from my childhood:

I think I used to have anger management issues - this is junior high to high school era - I would literally hit people and beat them up if I felt I had to when they (emotionally) hurt me or threatened to do so. I got suspended from junior high for beating up a friend because she was going to give the guy I liked a note about how I liked him. I became a baptized Christian that weekend and maybe changed my behavior as a result but I think I may have bottled up my anger. Nevertheless, I still beat up people (boys especially) in high school from time to time - I just never got in trouble for it because they were too embarrassed to admit that a girl had beaten them up. Even in college I hit my boyfriend once when he said something that made me mad. He reacted pretty severely and I realized I couldn't do that to someone I cared about, and I don't think I've done that since, although I do think I've been tempted once or twice. I think usually those feelings turn into tears now.

I also used to be a spoiled brat and maybe crying was how I found to get my way. But that doesn't explain why I cry so profusely when something positive is happening like receiving a compliment.

As a young adult, I remember realizing that I had little to zero empathy for people. I didn't like it and realized it was wrong, and so I worked at it. I worry now, though, that I did too good of a job and I have so much empathy that I can't separate myself from others' strong emotions, good and bad. Take, for example, the issue of gay marriage. I grew up Christian and formed the belief that homosexuality was a choice to be sinful, and therefore was against gay marriage. Then one day I sort of flipped my thinking by rationalizing that I am living in sin by sleeping with a man and not being married, and so if my sin was socially acceptable and legal, maybe gay marriage should also be. Over time, that rationalization was needed less and less and I just started to accept the idea that love is love and that being gay isn't really a choice, etc. I think I've been open to asking about different situations and trying to understand people where they're at, not judge them against the standards I have for myself with my privilege and the opportunities I've been given. I used to think a lot about homeless people and how to help them - my dream was to become filthy rich so that I could afford a home with multiple buildings on the property and security and stuff such that I could pick up homeless people, assess their willingness and ability to get helped, and if I saw fit, bring them into one of my small houses, give them lessons for handling budgets and interview skills and give them proper clothing for the interviews and a ride to the interviews and ideally get them into a place where they have a good job and can get their own place and all that. Then I saw a TED Talk called, "Poverty isn't a lack of character; it's a lack of cash" and my mind was blown. I read his book and then went down this whole rabbit hole to learn about UBI (Universal Basic Income) and supporting Andrew Yang's run for the Presidency because he was pushing a UBI agenda (among other great policies - that guy would have been so good had he had a chance). Somewhere in there I also watched a handful of documentaries about the homeless in California and many of them actually didn't want to be "helped" in the way that I was thinking. Many of the people interviewed preferred their homeless lifestyle. They were rebelling against the cultural norms of success or whatever. They found a community to which they belonged. There was even a story about one guy who had been given an apartment and he continued to sleep in his tent in the apartment with no other furniture because that was his lifestyle. Learning or seeing different points of view like this has shaken the naïve assumptions I had made when I was younger and I think left me more open to understanding people for who they are and want to be. That's a good thing, right?

But then when my colleague turned close friend and confidant was going through a shit storm at work, I felt stressed and upset and I would even cry regularly in my office on his behalf. And then I woke up one day and realized, what the heck? This thing sucks but it isn't happening to me. That helped me be a little more numb to it but also was an alarming realizing that I was internalizing someone else's pain so much that it was physically hurting me. One could not say I was lacking empathy now!


Health factors
I am overweight
I don't get enough restful sleep
I don't work out rigorously often enough
I don't have a great diet
I don't meditate regularly or practice mindfulness

All of those are true, but I don't feel like perfect physical health would change this. I've had this issue when I was much more healthy, even running 3 miles a day. Stress, on the other hand, definitely makes me more prone, but I'm honestly not stressed at all right now and it's still happening.

A Dancer, an Athlete

Another Camp Hollywood is in the books! This was just my second time attending. I lived in California when I attended last year, and was encouraged by my Arizona friends to attend when I visited the Kat's Korner in Phoenix. I enjoyed it so much that I bought the early bird ticket for this year before I even left.

Little did I know that I wouldn’t live in California when the event came around this year. But, I had my full weekend pass and my hotel room with the pool-facing balcony already booked, so I decided it was worth the flight from DFW.

Coming off my UK trip though, I only had one weekend of down time and that was obviously spent doing some productive things like unpacking, laundry, and packing. Being a morning person, these late starts for the dances - 8 or 9 or 9:30 - are past my typical bed time. Crazy people here will dance until 4 or 6 am and later! That's when I get up usually - the time to which I sleep in even! Add to that the intensity of attending 3 or 4 classes during the day, and the event is just absolutely exhausting.

I felt like I was dragging myself through the event all weekend. The feeling of freedom and having no responsibilities or requirements when I arrived Thursday quickly dissipated into pushing myself to attend classes and put myself out there at the social dances. Part way through the weekend, I concluded that I would enjoy the event more if I had a roommate or a "group" to belong to. Being a transplant everywhere I've lived in recent years means I don't have those strong relationships with anyone from my new home, and I wasn't really included in the coordination of my Arizona dance friends. As such, it was more like I ran into people. To her credit, my dance instructor in Texas, Linh, was very kind and thoughtful to add me to her group chat so I could have dinner with them on two occasions. But especially the last night, once I went to my room, I was on my own to get to the  dance, and the bed was so comfy, and I was enjoying listening to my audio book, and I was so tempted to just stay in bed.

Part of my struggle is definitely the lack of fitness. Our style of dancing is intense and a single song, especially one on the faster side, can wipe me out for quite a while. I sweat a lot and so I do things to accommodate that fact - changing shirts between classes or wearing layers so that the sweat doesn't get to where my partners primarily touch. It certainly didn't help that my back was hurting and is probably out of alignment, and my asthma inhaler stopped working. I'm so broken!

There were other times, though, that I, like, didn't want to dance. It's hard to explain the feeling. I logically know I love dance. I had re-discovered that fact years ago. And there were certainly times when I completed a dance with a new partner and felt exhilarated by the interaction - the exchange of ideas and clever leads and follows, smiling and laughing knowingly. Those moments, I know, are a big part of why I love dance. Having new things thrown at me or unfamiliar flairs that I followed without missing a beat is so exciting. But then I'd sit down and be completely out of breath, the sweat would pour out of every inch of my body, and I wouldn't want to dance again. There were also times in which I was dancing with someone and couldn't will my feet to move fast enough to keep up to the beat. I felt like giving up half way through. I didn't want to play anymore. I certainly enjoy watching people dance, and so I don't mind sitting on the sideline for multiple songs in a row. It just felt like every time I was asked to dance, it was hit or miss whether I'd make it through and enjoy it or whether I'd hate it and wish I hadn't even come. I can't make sense of it. Chalan came Friday night and his dancing is quite repetitive, which on the one hand is easy to follow and doesn't kill me, but on the other hand is a bit boring. Other than pretty limited repetition, I can't put my finger on any reason I wouldn't enjoy the dance. It was just waves of laziness, really.

It also varied a bit night to night. Some nights I was more enthusiastic about dancing and other nights it felt like a slog the whole way through. Maybe it was just a lot - the lack of down time I allowed myself. Which begs the question, how best to enjoy it, should I come again next year? Should I skip the classes, as many people do? I'd say no, actually, because I like the classes forcing me to go through so much physical exertion, leading me to dance with multiple people, and spacing out the exhaustion. Is it really just an extrovert thing - I need to have a more dedicated person or group of people to hang with to shake off my lazy indifference? Maybe; I can't see how that would hurt. I mean, I did enjoy getting dressed with the full space of my room and having my balcony to take breaks on, but there's no reason a roommate or group would have to take those elements away consistently. Largely, I think I would enjoy it more if I was more in shape and felt rested when I slept. I suspect that whatever causes my snoring to be intolerable is also causing the length of my sleep to be less restful than a sleep of that length should be. Therefore, I either need more sleep (hence skipping classes) or better quality sleep.

Several weeks ago at dance troupe practice, Linh had given us a little pep talk about how we were dancers and should therefore train, stretch and practice like dancers, like athletes. I was a little inspired by her talk, and certainly accepted it fully as truth. But while I started acting on the advice, I didn't continue it consistently. I do feel still agree, though, I need to treat myself like an athlete, take care of my body and health consistently and with more than just a decent diet. There is a big question mark as to how to get myself to do this more / better. Getting more sleep and being rested may be the key so I will start with that at the least while pushing myself to do something in the mean time.