I Cry

 It happened again today. I knew it was coming for weeks. My midyear review. Yes, I know it's September. My poor boss was probably dreading it and figuring out how to deliver both complimentary and constructive feedback without making me cry. And to be fair, we did get through that part without the waterworks. I held it together and he delivered my review well. It was when he asked me to give him feedback, which I had been thinking about for a few weeks knowing it was coming. And I knew I would cry before I started, and before I started, I started to cry. My boss is awesome. He asked if I felt safe and I told him I did. I wish I could explain to him, to myself, and preferably, not have to explain.


Times when I cry:
When I don't feel like my opinion or viewpoint is being heard. I don't require agreement, just understanding, and when I don't get that, I tear up.
When I feel seen and deeply appreciated.
When I appreciate others deeply.
When strangers get engaged to marry.
When people get fiery and angry about something that I also am frustrated with.
When someone talks about the end of life.
When literally anyone on TV cries for any reason.
When someone I respect pays me a very flattering compliment.
When I have to give constructive feedback to my manager. Doesn't matter if I feel safe or not with him/her, if I have to give feedback and tear up and ugly cry. Even the thought of giving feedback to my manager makes me cry, so saying that I don't have feedback wouldn't even prevent the tears.
When someone I care about is going through a hard time.
When I think about how I can't get control of my crying.
When my favorite TV show ends. Even re-watching the last episode of The Big Bang Theory makes me cry. Every. Time. Coming to the end of Ted Lasso wrecked me.


Possible explanations from my childhood:

I think I used to have anger management issues - this is junior high to high school era - I would literally hit people and beat them up if I felt I had to when they (emotionally) hurt me or threatened to do so. I got suspended from junior high for beating up a friend because she was going to give the guy I liked a note about how I liked him. I became a baptized Christian that weekend and maybe changed my behavior as a result but I think I may have bottled up my anger. Nevertheless, I still beat up people (boys especially) in high school from time to time - I just never got in trouble for it because they were too embarrassed to admit that a girl had beaten them up. Even in college I hit my boyfriend once when he said something that made me mad. He reacted pretty severely and I realized I couldn't do that to someone I cared about, and I don't think I've done that since, although I do think I've been tempted once or twice. I think usually those feelings turn into tears now.

I also used to be a spoiled brat and maybe crying was how I found to get my way. But that doesn't explain why I cry so profusely when something positive is happening like receiving a compliment.

As a young adult, I remember realizing that I had little to zero empathy for people. I didn't like it and realized it was wrong, and so I worked at it. I worry now, though, that I did too good of a job and I have so much empathy that I can't separate myself from others' strong emotions, good and bad. Take, for example, the issue of gay marriage. I grew up Christian and formed the belief that homosexuality was a choice to be sinful, and therefore was against gay marriage. Then one day I sort of flipped my thinking by rationalizing that I am living in sin by sleeping with a man and not being married, and so if my sin was socially acceptable and legal, maybe gay marriage should also be. Over time, that rationalization was needed less and less and I just started to accept the idea that love is love and that being gay isn't really a choice, etc. I think I've been open to asking about different situations and trying to understand people where they're at, not judge them against the standards I have for myself with my privilege and the opportunities I've been given. I used to think a lot about homeless people and how to help them - my dream was to become filthy rich so that I could afford a home with multiple buildings on the property and security and stuff such that I could pick up homeless people, assess their willingness and ability to get helped, and if I saw fit, bring them into one of my small houses, give them lessons for handling budgets and interview skills and give them proper clothing for the interviews and a ride to the interviews and ideally get them into a place where they have a good job and can get their own place and all that. Then I saw a TED Talk called, "Poverty isn't a lack of character; it's a lack of cash" and my mind was blown. I read his book and then went down this whole rabbit hole to learn about UBI (Universal Basic Income) and supporting Andrew Yang's run for the Presidency because he was pushing a UBI agenda (among other great policies - that guy would have been so good had he had a chance). Somewhere in there I also watched a handful of documentaries about the homeless in California and many of them actually didn't want to be "helped" in the way that I was thinking. Many of the people interviewed preferred their homeless lifestyle. They were rebelling against the cultural norms of success or whatever. They found a community to which they belonged. There was even a story about one guy who had been given an apartment and he continued to sleep in his tent in the apartment with no other furniture because that was his lifestyle. Learning or seeing different points of view like this has shaken the naïve assumptions I had made when I was younger and I think left me more open to understanding people for who they are and want to be. That's a good thing, right?

But then when my colleague turned close friend and confidant was going through a shit storm at work, I felt stressed and upset and I would even cry regularly in my office on his behalf. And then I woke up one day and realized, what the heck? This thing sucks but it isn't happening to me. That helped me be a little more numb to it but also was an alarming realizing that I was internalizing someone else's pain so much that it was physically hurting me. One could not say I was lacking empathy now!


Health factors
I am overweight
I don't get enough restful sleep
I don't work out rigorously often enough
I don't have a great diet
I don't meditate regularly or practice mindfulness

All of those are true, but I don't feel like perfect physical health would change this. I've had this issue when I was much more healthy, even running 3 miles a day. Stress, on the other hand, definitely makes me more prone, but I'm honestly not stressed at all right now and it's still happening.