Corner of the Sky

It is incredibly common to hit a point in life where the daily rhythm—no matter how smoothly managed or beautifully organized—starts to feel a bit small, or a bit hollow. That feeling of wanting your "corner of the sky," wanting to feel connected to something vast, historic, and awe-inspiring, is deeply human. But the truth is the rocket scientists building the engines are only a tiny fraction of what it takes for humanity to reach the stars. Space exploration is not just a technical challenge; it is a cultural, historical, philosophical, and collective human endeavor. You do not need a degree in propulsion or peak physical astronaut fitness to leave a profound mark on our journey into the cosmos.

Here are 100 actionable ways you can actively contribute to, participate in, and shape the future of space exploration, the colonization of other worlds, and the search for alien life—all from exactly where you are right now.

Phase 1: Real Scientific Contributions (Citizen Science)

You don't need a PhD to do actual science. Professional astronomers are drowning in data from space telescopes and need human eyes to spot patterns machines miss.

    1. Join Planet Hunters TESS: Analyze real light curves from NASA’s Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite to discover new worlds orbiting distant stars.

    2. Classify Galaxies with Galaxy Zoo: Assist astrophysicists by identifying the shapes and structures of deep-space galaxies imaged by the James Webb Space Telescope.

    3. Map Martian Clouds: Participate in the "Cloudspotting on Mars" project to identify exotic cloud structures in the Martian atmosphere using data from the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter. 

    4. Hunt for Planet 9: Search the fringes of our solar system for undiscovered brown dwarfs and planets via the Backyard Worlds initiative. 

    5. Track Solar Storms: Help analyze data from NASA’s Magnetosphere Multiscale Mission to map out how solar winds impact Earth’s magnetic shield. 

    6. Identify Active Asteroids: Scan telescope images to find comet-like tails on asteroids, helping scientists hunt for hidden water and ice in space. 

    7. Spot Lunar Impacts: If you have a backyard telescope, join a global network documenting meteors crashing into the lunar surface in real time. 

    8. Analyze Radio SETI Data: Participate in the Are We Alone in the Universe? project, sorting through radio frequency signals from deep space to flag anomalies that might indicate intelligent extraterrestrial life.

    9. Map the Moon's Flows: Help planetary scientists map ancient volcanic and molten flows using high-resolution images from the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter. 

    10. Track Space Junk with Privateer: If you utilize an automated telescope, feed optical data into open platforms like Steve Wozniak's Privateer to track orbital debris and keep space sustainable. 

    11. Join the Daily Minor Planet Project: Review data from the Catalina Sky Survey to help astronomers spot and track near-Earth asteroids for planetary defense. 

    12. Measure Dark Energy: Join Dark Energy Explorers to classify distant galaxies and help map the accelerating expansion of the universe. 

    13. Participate in Exoplanet Watch: Use your own telescope data, or request open-source data online, to help refine the transit schedules of confirmed exoplanets.

    14. Hunt for Elusive Comets: Use the Sungrazer Project to search through real-time images from the SOHO and STEREO spacecraft to find comets passing close to the sun.

     15. Become a Co-Author: Consistently contribute to NASA citizen science projects; many top-tier participants are legally credited as co-authors on peer-reviewed astrophysical papers when their discoveries are published.

Phase 2: Documenting & Preserving Space History

Humanity’s journey upward needs historians, archivists, and storytellers to ensure the steps we take are remembered.

    1. Transcribe Historical Mission Logs: Volunteer with the Smithsonian or NASA archives to digitize and transcribe handwritten journals, engineering notes, and audio transcripts from early spaceflight programs.

    2. Digitize Local Aerospace Archives: Visit local heritage museums or library archives to help digitize early records of aerospace manufacturing, testing facilities, or astronomy clubs.

    3. Write Biographies of Forgotten Figures: Research and write articles about the unsung heroes of space travel—the early mathematicians, textile workers who sewed spacesuits, or ground crew personnel.

    4. Build an Oral History Project: Interview older generations in your community about their memories of the Apollo moon landings, the first shuttle flights, or the transition to commercial spaceflight.

    5. Curate Space Artifact Digital Exhibits: Use open-source museum collections to build themed digital galleries showcasing the evolution of spacesuit design, rocket telemetry instruments, or lunar maps.

    6. Track Space Archaeology: Study and write about the preservation of human heritage sites in space, such as the Apollo landing footprints or early lunar landers.

    7. Map Defunct Launch Sites: Create digital, historical map overlays showing the locations and operational timelines of abandoned test stands, missile silos, and early launch complexes globally.

    8. Archive Space Program Ephemera: Collect, preserve, and catalog vintage space program patches, blueprints, promotional materials, and technical manuals.

    9. Volunteer at a Local Air and Space Museum: Offer your time as a docent, archive assistant, or exhibit planner to share the history of flight and space exploration with visitors.

    10. Document Commercial Space Architecture: Maintain a photographic or written record of the rapidly shifting infrastructure at new launch sites like Boca Chica, Texas, or Cape Canaveral LC-14.

Phase 3: The Philosophy, Ethics, & Sociology of Space

Before we colonize Mars or find alien life, we have to figure out how we will behave, govern ourselves, and preserve our humanity.

    1. Analyze Space Law & Treaties: Study the Outer Space Treaty of 1967 and write commentary on how it applies to private property rights on the Moon or mining rights on asteroids.

    2. Draft Fictional Space Constitutions: Explore the sociology of long-duration spaceflight by writing frameworks for how early Martian or lunar colonies might govern themselves fairly.

    3. Contribute to Astrobiology Ethics: Write or blog about the ethical implications of planetary protection—how we avoid contaminating Mars with Earth microbes, and vice versa.

    4. Explore the "Overview Effect": Research the cognitive shift astronauts experience when viewing Earth from space, and design community workshops or discussions around applying that perspective locally.

    5. Participate in Space Philosophy Forums: Join organizations like the Interstellar Research Group to debate the long-term sociological impacts of human expansion into the galaxy.

    6. Study Space Economics: Analyze the shifting metrics of the commercial space economy, writing accessible breakdowns of how lowering the cost-per-kilogram to orbit changes everyday life on Earth.

    7. Analyze Resource Management Models: Apply terrestrial efficiency models (like logistical inventory or supply-chain routing) to hypothetical closed-loop lifesuport systems on a lunar base.

    8. Examine the Sociology of Isolation: Read analog astronaut journals and study how small groups manage interpersonal friction, communication delays, and high-stress environments during isolation.

    9. Ponder the First Contact Protocol: Write about or host discussions on the post-detection protocols for discovering intelligent extraterrestrial signals. Who should speak for Earth, and what should we say?

    10. Evaluate Space Sustainability: Advocate for orbital debris mitigation strategies by writing or speaking on the risk of Kessler Syndrome (a cascade of space junk collisions.

Phase 4: Artistic, Design, & Creative Expressions

Art bridges the gap between technical metrics and the human soul. The space industry needs visionaries to help us visually and emotionally process the cosmos.

    1. Design Custom Space-Themed Textiles: Create intricate digital textile patterns inspired by deep-space nebulas, lunar topography, or orbital mechanics diagrams.

    2. Paint Celestial Realism: Use physical canvas, watercolor, or digital mediums to create highly detailed, texture-rich representations of alien landscapes, crater walls, or sliced planetary bodies.

    3. Write Speculative Hard Sci-Fi: Write short stories focused on the mundane, everyday operational realities of living on a rotating space station or managing a lunar greenhouse.

    4. Compose Space Ambient Soundscapes: Use synthesizers or digital audio workstations to create atmospheric music tracking specific cosmic events (e.g., the telemetry of the Artemis launches).

    5. Create Technical Infographics: Design clean, highly scannable visual guides explaining complex concepts like SpinLaunch's kinetic centrifuge or Stoke Space's actively cooled heat shield.

    6. Develop Interactive Space Concept Layouts: Design visual mockups of what the interior quarters, recreation rooms, or communal spaces of commercial space stations like Haven-1 could look like.

    7. Animate Orbital Mechanics: Use basic animation or presentation tools to visually demonstrate concepts like Hohmann transfer orbits, gravity assists, or Lagrange points.

    8. Design Space Mission Patches: Create conceptual embroidered patch designs for upcoming commercial milestones, planetary science missions, or hypothetical alien-hunting initiatives.

    9. Write Space-Themed Poetry: Craft poetry exploring the emotional weight of leaving Earth behind, the silence of the vacuum, or the longing to find life among the stars.

    10. Curate Space-Inspired Interior Design Concepts: Develop mood boards and design frameworks that blend sleek aerospace aesthetics with functional, grounded living spaces.

Phase 5: Education, Outreach, & Community Building

You can be the spark that inspires the next generation of engineers, astronomers, and explorers.

    1. Organize Community Star Parties: Partner with a local astronomy club to host public stargazing nights, setting up telescopes and guiding neighbors through the night sky.

    2. Host a Space Exploration Book Club: Form a monthly reading group focused on the history of rocketry, biographies of astronauts, astrobiology, or hard science fiction.

    3. Volunteer at a Local Planetarium: Assist with guest relations, show operations, or educational programming to help introduce families to the wonders of the universe.

    4. Mentor Students in STEM Challenges: Volunteer with youth organizations or schools participating in model rocketry, space-app development, or design-a-colony competitions.

    5. Create a Space Tracking Blog: Launch a personal blog or newsletter that translates complex orbital launch manifests, corporate milestones, and deep-space discoveries into engaging, accessible insights.

    6. Give Library Talks on Space History: Prepare and present engaging, slide-based historical talks on topics like the race to build early frontier outposts or the operational leaps of modern commercial space firms.

    7. Run an Astronomy Night at a Local School: Coordinate with elementary or middle schools to provide hands-on activities, like building scale models of the solar system.

    8. Promote Dark Sky Initiative Advocacy: Educate your local community about light pollution, helping neighbors and local businesses adjust lighting to preserve the visibility of the stars.

    9. Host Launch Watch Parties: Gather friends, family, or community members to watch historic live streams, such as the upcoming Artemis flights or new commercial rocket debuts.

    10. Moderate Online Space Communities: Volunteer to moderate, organize, or curate content for space-themed forums, subreddits, or digital discord channels dedicated to open spaceflight discussion.

Phase 6: Analogs, Simulations, & Terrestrial Testing

You don't have to leave Earth to experience or support the environments astronauts face.

    1. Apply to be a NASA Volunteer Test Subject: NASA frequently seeks civilian volunteers for terrestrial bed-rest studies or isolation simulations to study the physical and psychological impacts of spaceflight.

    2. Join an Analog Space Mission Crew: Apply as an analog astronaut for private or university-led habitats (like the Mars Desert Research Station) that simulate habitat operations, communication delays, and resource rationing.

    3. Design closed-loop home systems: Experiment with high-efficiency hydro-culture, micro-farming, and optimal water recycling methods on a small homesteading scale, documenting the operational metrics as an earthly testbed for Mars.

    4. Participate in Space Apps Hackathons: Join annual events like the NASA Space Apps Challenge, where teams of non-engineers, writers, designers, and organizers build solutions to real-world space problems.

    5. Volunteer for Extreme Environment Research: Participate in civilian wilderness survival or isolated environment training programs that test human resilience and group dynamics under pressure.

    6. Build a Scale Habitat Model: Construct architectural models or digital 3D layouts testing spatial efficiency, natural lighting balances, and psychological comfort layouts for extraterrestrial structures.

    7. Experiment with Space-Ready Agriculture: Attempt to grow hyper-resilient, nutrient-dense crops in extreme soil conditions (such as simulated lunar or Martian regolith) to track yield efficiencies.

    8. Track Your Personal Telemetry: Gamify your daily routines by tracking your biological inputs, energy efficiencies, and resource usage as if you were managing a personal life-support system.

    9. Study Closed-Loop Waste Upcycling: Research and implement zero-waste methodologies in your day-to-day life, mapping out the logic systems required to sustain human life with zero external inputs.

    10. Analyze Human Factors Engineering: Read up on ergonomic layouts and human-machine interface designs used in modern capsules (like Crew Dragon or Starliner) and review how they balance comfort with technical safety.

Phase 7: Deep Intellectual Dive & Technical Translation

The space industry creates massive amounts of data and documentation. Translating this complexity into human clarity is a monumental task.

    1. Read and Summarize Technical Aerospace Papers: Dive into open-access repositories like NASA Technical Reports Server (NTRS), translating dense academic jargon into accessible summaries for the public.

    2. Master and Apply Little’s Law to Space Logistics: Analyze the manufacturing queues, launch pad turnaround cadences, or satellite constellation deployments of companies like Stoke or Apex using classic industrial queuing theory.

    3. Map the Global Aerospace Supply Chain: Create visual tracking models showing where raw metals, composite components, and electronic sub-assemblies are sourced globally to build modern rockets.

    4. Trace the Evolution of Mission Control Architecture: Study how launch operations teams have shifted from the rigid, multi-layered hierarchies of Apollo to the lean, software-driven, fluid control rooms of modern startups.

    5. Analyze the Failure Modes of Historic Missions: Write detailed retrospective case studies examining the specific operational, organizational, or communication breakdowns that led to historical spaceflight anomalies.

    6. Build a Space Startup Database: Maintain a highly detailed spreadsheet tracking new Space 2.0 companies, funding rounds, strategic defense contracts, and operational milestones.

    7. Learn Basic Celestial Navigation: Master the math and logic behind tracking positions using the stars, understanding how spacecraft orient themselves using star trackers when deep-space telemetry drops.

    8. Study Astrobiology Foundations: Deeply research the chemical signatures of life (biosignatures) that telescopes search for in exoplanet atmospheres, such as methane, water vapor, and phosphine.

    9. Analyze Rocket Engine Propulsion Metrics: Learn the underlying logic of specific impulse ($I_{sp}$), thrust-to-weight ratios, and engine cycles (like staged combustion) to understand why different fuels are chosen for different tasks.

    10. Track Space Policy and Budgets: Read through congressional space budget allocations and national space policies, tracking how funding pivots shift focus between lunar exploration, Mars initiatives, and Earth science.

Phase 8: Financial Support & Retail Space Advocacy

Money drives momentum. By participating in the economic side of the space industry, you have a direct vote in its success.

    1. Invest in Publicly Traded Pure-Play Space Stocks: Direct a portion of your personal investment portfolio toward commercial launch providers, satellite manufacturing firms, or space infrastructure companies.

    2. Support Space-Focused Exchange Traded Funds (ETFs): Invest in broader aerospace and space economy indices to back the diversified growth of the entire sector.

    3. Crowdfund Private Space Research: Contribute to non-profit space initiatives, private planetary sail tests (like the Planetary Society’s LightSail), or independent SETI initiatives.

    4. Donate to Space Education Non-Profits: Financially support organizations that provide astronomy gear, museum field trips, or space camp scholarships to underprivileged students.

    5. Support Independent Space Journalism: Subscribe to or back independent space writers, podcasters, and analytical video creators who provide deep, unbiased coverage of the industry.

    6. Purchase Mission-Specific Merchandise: Buy apparel and gear directly from emerging startups like Vast Space, SpinLaunch, or Impulse Space to proudly showcase and publicize their milestones in everyday life.

    7. Join Advocacy Groups Like The Planetary Society: Become a card-carrying member of organizations that lobby governments globally for increased funding for planetary science and the search for alien life.

    8. Advocate for Planetary Defense Funding: Write to elected officials urging sustained financial support for asteroid tracking networks and near-Earth object deflection technologies.

    9. Back Space-Themed Art and Literature: Purchase independently published science fiction books, speculative artwork, and custom space designs to support the creative ecosystem surrounding the cosmos.

    10. Participate in Shareholder Votes for Aerospace Firms: Use your retail investor voting power to voice support for long-term R&D, commercial space station development, and sustainable space initiatives.

Phase 9: Ham Radio, Satellites, & Signal Interception

The sky above us is buzzing with data. With accessible, off-the-shelf equipment, you can pull information straight out of orbit.

    1. Build a Radio JOVE Antenna: Construct a simple, low-cost radio telescope kit designed by NASA to listen to the powerful, natural radio bursts emitting from Jupiter and the Sun. 

    2. Eavesdrop on the International Space Station: Use a basic handheld Ham radio and a directional antenna to listen to astronauts talking to ground stations as the ISS passes directly overhead.

    3. Decode Weather Satellite Imagery: Set up a simple Software Defined Radio (SDR) USB dongle and a home-built antenna to intercept and decode real-time, uncompressed weather images directly from NOAA satellites as they fly over your house.

    4. Track Satellites via the AmSat Network: Join the Amateur Satellite Corporation to learn how to use amateur radio satellites to communicate with people across the globe using space-based relays.

    5. Listen to Meteor Echoes: Use a standard radio receiver to catch the brief, ghostly reflections of distant radio stations bouncing off the ionized trails left by meteors burning up in the upper atmosphere.

    6. Build a Mobile Satellite Tracking Rig: Construct a portable antenna array that you can carry to local parks or dark sky zones to optimize clear line-of-sight tracking for low-Earth-orbit objects.

    7. Participate in Citizen Weather Observer Programs: Feed ground-level atmospheric data collected at your home into global weather tracking models that calibrate satellite readings.

    8. Track the Ionosphere via Shortwave Radio: Study how solar flares and space weather distort terrestrial shortwave radio transmissions, keeping a personal log of solar cycle activity.

    9. Intercept CubeSat Telemetry: Learn to capture the digital beacons and basic health data transmitted by tiny, university-built satellites orbiting overhead, uploading the data to open tracking networks.

    10. Build a Simple Optical Satellite Tracker: Pair a digital camera with tracking software to capture long-exposure streaks of the International Space Station or commercial satellite trains, mapping their orbital precision.

Phase 10: Deepening the Connection & Mindset Shifts

Finding your purpose in the space age is about shifting the scale of your everyday life.

    1. Adopt a Cosmic Time Horizon: Frame your daily administrative or problem-solving tasks not as mundane chores, but as the essential, stabilizing foundation that keeps a complex human life operating smoothly—a micro-scale version of ground support keeping a mission alive. 

    2. Host Astronomy Workshops for Friends: Share your gathered knowledge by inviting friends over for an evening of casual space tracking, guiding them through the current commercial manifests and corporate races.

    3. Build a Personal Space Command Center: Dedicate a specific, organized corner of your workspace to digital tracking dashboards, launch countdown monitors, and historical mission maps.

    4. Find Meaning in the Infrastructure: Remind yourself that the grand, sweeping achievements of humanity always rest on a mountain of steady, unsung execution. The engineer needs the organizer; the pilot needs the operations strategist.

    5. Live as a Citizen of the Cosmos: Understand that you do not need to leave the surface of the Earth to be an active participant in the space age. By observing, tracking, analyzing, and caring about the stars, you are already helping humanity look outward. You are part of the team.

Your Next Step

You don't have to tackle all 100. Pick just one from the lists above that makes you feel that distinct spark. Whether you choose to classify a galaxy on your phone tonight, track a satellite from your backyard, or dive into the operational logic of a commercial rocket company, you are actively participating. You are contributing to the great leap outward.

Launch Alert: Skyroot's Vikram I Demonstration Flight Scheduled for July 18

For decades, space exploration in India was strictly the domain of the state-run Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO). But a seismic shift is happening on the launch pad at the Satish Dhawan Space Centre in Sriharikota. A seven-story-tall, sleek black multi-stage rocket named Vikram-1 is standing fully stacked.

This is the maiden orbital flight of Skyroot Aerospace, and it marks the first time in history a private company has been granted access to launch from India's premier historic pad.

Dubbed Mission Aagaman (the Sanskrit word for "Arrival"), this flight signals that the private space economy isn't just arriving—it’s breaking down the door.

The Minds Behind the Rocket: The Founders

Skyroot Aerospace was founded in Hyderabad by two brilliant former ISRO engineers: Pawan Kumar Chandana (now CEO) and Naga Bharath Daka (now COO).

Having worked deep within India’s national space program, they recognized a massive bottleneck in the global market: while small satellites (nanosats and CubeSats) were exploding in popularity for communications and Earth observation, they were constantly forced to "rideshare" as secondary payloads on massive rockets, waiting months or years for a lift.

Chandana and Daka envisioned a lean, hyper-efficient commercial startup designed to offer dedicated, rapid-turnaround launches for small payloads. Their execution was so precise that Skyroot recently became India's first space-tech "Unicorn," crossing a $1.1 billion valuation.

The Rocket: What Vikram-1 Aims to Achieve

Named in honor of Dr. Vikram Sarabhai—the legendary father of the Indian space program—the Vikram-1 is a highly advanced machine built from the ground up for the modern era.

The Mission: Vikram-1 is designed to lift up to 350 kilograms into Low Earth Orbit (LEO). While Skyroot successfully launched a scaled-down sub-orbital prototype (Vikram-S) back in 2022, Mission Aagaman is the real deal: a multi-stage flight attempting to achieve full orbital velocity and precisely deploy customer satellites. 

• All-Carbon Structure: The entire airframe of the rocket is built from an ultra-lightweight carbon composite structure. 

• 3D-Printed Engines: Skyroot heavily leverages metal 3D printing for its engine components, allowing them to slash manufacturing times and iterate rapidly.

 

Why This Milestone Changes Everything

Spaceflight is inherently brutal, and achieving orbit requires reaching speeds of roughly 28,000 kilometers per hour. Globally, only a tiny handful of private enterprises have ever successfully built and launched an orbital-class rocket.

If Skyroot succeeds, it validates India as a premier hub for low-cost, high-frequency commercial rocketry. It proves that commercial startups can build elite, orbital-grade hardware outside the traditional state apparatus, matching the global "Space 2.0" momentum seen in the US and Europe.

What to Watch for During the Launch Broadcast

The entire mission is expected to last roughly 20 minutes from ignition to payload deployment. If you are tuning into the live stream, keep your eyes pinned on these crucial milestones: 

• The Max-Q Structural Flex: Watch for the moment the rocket encounters maximum aerodynamic pressure. Because the Vikram-1 uses an incredibly thin, lightweight all-carbon composite shell, passing through Max-Q will be the ultimate validation of their structural engineering.
   
• Stage Separations: Keep an ear out for mission control callouts regarding stage separation. In multi-stage rocketry, the transition as one engine burns out, unlatches, and drops away while the next stage ignites is one of the most common failure modes.
   
• The "Embrace" Robotic Arm Deployment: Look out for telemetry on a fascinating, highly technical payload riding inside the bay: an experimental soft-robotic capture arm built by startup Cosmoserve, designed to test future automated space debris removal.
   
• A Cosmic Diamond Check: In a true fusion of art and science, the payload bay is carrying a laboratory-grown diamond artwork called Cosmic Bloom. The team will be monitoring how the engineered diamond handles the violent vibrations and thermal stress of orbital insertion.

Final Thoughts: India's Corner of the Sky

When the countdown hits zero, it represents far more than a triumph of avionics and propulsion. It represents the realization of a grand dream held by a team of outsiders who looked at the sky and refused to believe space belonged only to giant governments. Mission Aagaman is the proof that with the right vision, anyone can help write the next chapter of humanity's journey upward.

To get a visual sense of just how massive this leap is for the global space community, check out this excellent video: 

Avatar: Pocahontas in Space

I grew up in the age of the beloved Disney movies The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and The Lion King. When Pocahontas came out in 1995, I loved it in a more mature way, imagining I deeply understood "Colors of the Wind" and playing the song in junior high band. Later, in 2009, James Cameron's Avatar came out, and I was awestruck. I've also always had a thing for space and stars, and it very magically combined my interest in space travel with a fondness for nature.

Those Disney movies and Avatar have stayed with me well into my adulthood. I've always clung to Belle as my favorite character, but Avatar holds a special place in my heart. One year, I "won" Halloween by showing up to a friend's party in full Neytiri costume, having done my own makeup. Nobody talked to me for hours because they didn't recognize me! Once the cat was out of the bag, people were still confused as to who I was supposed to be. I even re-used the costume for a football game, throwing an ASU shirt over the outfit and opting out of the makeup, which made people even more confused. It was such a good movie, and I was always surprised to find how many people had not only not seen it, but had no recollection of what it even was.

When the Pandora area opened up in Disney World, I was thrilled to be immersed in the recreation, and riding the Ikran (or Banshee) on the Flight of Passage ride was more thrilling and awe-inspiring than I could have imagined. 

I don't remember when it first occurred to me that the story of Avatar is the story of Pocahontas in space, but the parallels are fascinating. Here is how they stack up.

The Overall Plot

Both stories involve "modern" people, driven by a greed for resources, clashing with local "savages."

• The Valuable Mineral: In Pocahontas, the colonizers are obsessed with gold, even though it isn't actually there. In Avatar, the "Sky People" are after Unobtainium, which they know is sitting right under Hometree. 

• The Long Journey: The "Skywalkers" in Avatar had to be in cryogenics for the long journey to Pandora, while the Englishmen in Pocahontas had to cross the salt water on a long journey to the Americas.

    

The Antagonists

In both movies, the villain is ugly—both in appearance and spirit—and gives a demeaning speech about the locals to justify killing them.

• Governor Ratcliffe (Pocahontas): "Don't lose your heart, men. It won't be long before we reach the New World. And remember what awaits us there. Freedom, prosperity... the adventure of our lives. You're the finest crew England has to offer, and nothing-- not wind nor rain nor a thousand bloodthirsty savages shall stand in our way. Carry on, men!"

• Colonel Quaritch (Avatar): "You're not in Kansas anymore. You're on Pandora, ladies and gentlemen. Respect that fact, every second of every day. ... Out there beyond that fence, every living thing that crawls, flies, or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubes."

The Overseers: Both movies feature a leader who supports the villain, but isn't necessarily quite as evil. In Avatar, this is the corporate administrator Parker Selfridge. Unlike the brutal Colonel, Selfridge isn't painted as a pure combatant; he’s a bureaucrat, which makes his complicity in the destruction feel more cold and calculated. King James in Pocahontas isn't even seen until the sequel - he never steps foot in the New World, and is, therefore, just an ideal over-sea-er. 

Signs from Nature

Both films rely heavily on the idea of a spiritual connection to the environment.

• The Signs: Pocahontas has a dream and confides in Mother Willow. Later, a raccoon brings her the compass John Smith gifted her, reminding her of the spinning arrow in her dream. Neytiri sees the sign from Eywa—the floating, dandelion-like seeds that collect on Jake Sully.

• The Battle: The invaders of both films had superior weapons, and the natives in each story united disparate tribes to form a more powerful army in order to level the playing field.  

• The Rebellion: Mother Nature physically strikes back in both. Mother Willow raises her roots to trip the encroaching Englishmen, and in Avatar, the animals unite to fight against the humans.

Seeing the Forest for the Trees

It isn’t a coincidence that the heart of both stories is a tree. In Pocahontas, Mother Willow is an ancient, sentient guide who offers wisdom and perspective, acting as the spiritual anchor for the entire tribe. In Avatar, Hometree is the literal and metaphorical center of the Omaticaya people—it is their sanctuary, their connection to their ancestors, and their source of life. Both films use these massive, rooted, and ancient beings to highlight a fundamental truth: while the humans see the land as a resource to be harvested or moved, the natives see it as a living entity that holds the memories and spirits of those who came before. When the invaders target the tree in each film, it’s not just an attack on a resource; it’s an assault on the soul of the community.

The Heroes and the Love Story

John Smith and Jake Sully are both battle-tested soldiers, and I love that they share the same initials. They both undergo the same arc: a cocky guy meets the indigenous beauty who happens to be the chief's daughter, betrothed to a beefcake of a warrior, and she teaches him to the foreign hero to nature differently. He realizes his people are in the wrong, falls in love, and is seen as a traitor by his own people.  

• All Tied Up: Both of our heroes are captured by the natives following a misunderstanding. However, in Avatar, Dr. Grace is also captured and tied up, while in Pocahontas, John Smith is by himself.   

• The Injury: In Pocahontas, when John Smith throws himself in front of the musket fire to save the Chief, he is wounded, and Pocahontas rushes to his side, cradling him. Neytiri likewise cradles Jake Sully's human body when he is suffocated in the battle.   

• Lost (and Found) in Translation: It makes sense that the indigenous tribes of each move have their own language. Overcoming the language barrier and learning to communicate is one of the first tests of our new couples. 

The Divergence

How the two films differ is powerful. While the setup of these two films mirrors each other so closely, the way they end is where the real story lives. The depth of the transformation changes significantly between the two eras. In Pocahontas, the hero’s "leaning in" is cautious and tentative; he learns a few lessons, but he remains firmly an outsider, leaving much of the emotional labor of bridge-building to her. In contrast, Jake Sully’s arc is one of complete immersion. He doesn't just visit the forest; he effectively dies to his old life so he can be reborn into the new one. This shift in the heroes' journeys—how they communicate, how they fight, and how they ultimately choose their futures—tells us as much about our evolving culture as it does about the movies themselves.

• Overcoming the Language Barrier: A key difference is the role of language. In Pocahontas, she magically learns English ("Listen with your heart"). In Avatar, the process is more deliberate—Jake is part of a program designed to bridge that cultural gap.  

• No Fight Club Here: While both films lead up to a battle between superior weapons and a united native force, Pocahontas ends with a fragile, hopeful truce. Avatar goes further, with an all-out battle and brutal losses on both sides, ending with the total expulsion of the industrial force.  

• The Departures: John Smith ultimately returns home to heal, leaving behind many of the men in Virginia but ultimately retreating to the world he knows. Jake Sully, however, makes a more radical choice: he permanently abandons his human body to live as an Avatar, helping to lead the effort to expel the industrial force from Pandora entirely. These departures mirror a classic tension—between the comfort of returning to the life we were born into with a newly refreshed perspective, versus the transformative, permanent choice to fully commit to a new way of existing.

There is so much to be said about the velocity of technology today—from the rise of AI to the evolution of increasingly effective, and frankly, scary weaponry. It’s easy to feel the weight of that shift. But I’ve come to believe that in a world where these forces are becoming more pervasive, the act of retreating into nature and intentionally celebrating our humanity is going to increase in importance, not decrease. If Pocahontas and Avatar taught me anything, it’s that no matter how advanced our 'Sky People' tech becomes, it can never replace the quiet wisdom of a forest or the necessity of seeing our world through a lens of connection rather than conquest. The further we advance, the more we need to stay rooted.

 

 

 

The Non-Traveling Non-Food-Blogger Nonner

Look, I am an eternal optimist, and I am seeking to find my forever someone to share my rich life with. This means, admittedly, I can rationalize red flag when I see them, and seemingly always to my detriment. I want to believe that people make mistakes, or miscommunications happen, or not everyone is perfect, and therefore, something that should be a red flag might just be a misunderstanding, or a cultural difference, or a lovable quirk. And maybe I have a red flag of my own - I allow the drama to unfold until I am absolutely certain, beyond the benefit of the doubt, that this guy is no good. 

Enter the Nonner. Sure, that's what we'll call him. (His name is Paul, but since I dated a real live human named Paul, I'd rather not confuse the two.) Things started off well. So good! Magical! How was he single? He seemed so level-headed, so even and cool. He may be a bit introverted but that's not a deal breaker. He loves traveling for the experience. He doesn't have a life list of things to cross off, he just wants to enjoy wherever he is. Amazing! What a different perspective, but beautiful. He was open to me planning trips and he'd be a great travel partner. He is good at directions and his mind is a steel trap for dates, times and numbers. Wonderful - he makes up for my shortcomings! And when not traveling, he was eager to cuddle up with me and chill, do whatever I want to do and give me all the physical affection I want. What a dream! 

We seemed so aligned on what we wanted and our compatibility, and I knew I had a bunch of work travel coming up, so I suggested we meet up. He said he appreciated my directness, but wanted to do a call first, adding as a joke in parenthesis that it would also serve the purpose of confirming we're both real people. He was kind and unassuming, saying if I was open to that, I could tell him my availability. So sweet, and okay maybe I was rushing things. 

We had a call, and it was honestly really nice. The conversation flowed easily, he got to hear me laugh several times, there were no issues at all. In fact, I felt like we could have kept talking for another couple hours, but he indicated we should wrap it up shortly after an hour. I know introverts will sometimes feel drained during high-intensity social interactions, so I assumed this was his energy waning, or he wanted to save some conversation for our meet up. 

And even though he was the one who made the joke about confirming we were human, I had my suspicions based on some of his responses, which were alleviated once we chatted. I was even more excited to meet up with him, but the clock was ticking - as I had a business trip to Phoenix coming up. Interestingly, he also had a trip coming up to Gilbert, a suburb of Phoenix, and it was going to overlap with my trip. He had inquired if I would have time while in Arizona to meet up with him. Since it was such a short trip, and back in my old stomping grounds, I told him probably not, because I'd go swing dancing one night, had plans with a couple friends and would be working long hours otherwise. But I told him I'd let him know if that changed. And he promised to send me lots of pictures and tell me what he was up to. 

In the meantime, we kept texting with a really nice banter and he was so flattering. I'd share pics of various things and he would gush with compliments for me. Then I tried again to test the waters of meeting up. His response was a little rude, "Gilbert, remember?" I admitted I didn't recall the exact dates, and hadn't realized he was already there, and that I generally don't have a good memory for dates and numbers. That was when he told me he could compensate because he was great with dates and numbers. 

Then things started to get weird. I hadn't heard from him for a couple days, which is fine, if he was busy. I was busy, too. I had traveled to Phoenix and had my first day at Luke Air Force Base. So as I texted him on Monday afternoon, I was a bit surprised he had nothing interesting to share about his 3 or 4 days in Gilbert. I playfully pressed him on sending me pictures of anything, and he said, "This place is desolate! You want some tumbleweed pics lol?" 

Tumbleweeds in Gilbert? I mean, maybe way out in the rural part, but Gilbert is a thriving city with tons of restaurants and shops and streets. I couldn't recall ever seeing a rogue tumbleweed there at all. 

Ok friends, this should have been the first glaring red flag. But I skipped right over it. I replied, still trying to be playful, "What? How dare you! It's beautiful here! Best sunsets in the world." 

"I wouldn't know, I'm [usually] doing other things that I never notice the sunsets," was his reply. I don't love that, but fair enough. The natural progression seemed to be, "What have you been doing?" 

Defense, deflect, don't answer!! He replied, "I meant I generally never notice sunsets. When's your dance get together?" 

Okay, I was onto him now. Or at least, I was sus. And I was feeling bold, and still trying to be playful. So I went for the gut punch, but cute. Call him out, but add the lol: "Lol wow changing the subject!" 

He responded, "Was there anything left to probe? Not being snarky, I'm genuinely curious. Figured my statement on sunsets was definitive [thinking emoji]." 

Ok, he doesn't understand how basic communication works. I mean, he is single at our age, so there had to be something wrong with him, right? Alright, I'll be nice, because, of course. I responded, "I was hoping to learn what you've been doing… Literally anything other than not doing anything [pout emoji]." 

It went on an on like this. He pretended to be hurt or not understand, and when I'd explain how basic conversation works, he would express that he understood, would not answer appropriately, and change the subject. "Honestly? Nothing too exciting. I've mostly been exploring, checking out some local spots, getting outside a bit, and trying not to melt in the heat." 

So, another non-answer. Full court press. Use his robo-accusation back at him. "That sounds interesting but vague enough you might be fake. [yeesh emoji - IDK what its called but it’s the face I make when I say, 'yeesh'.]" 

You ready for his response? I don't think you're ready for this. "[Laugh emoji] Fair enough. So how's Phoenix been treating you since you landed?" 

Now I am pissed. Full court press. No excuses. Drop the friendly teasing. This guy is actively putting up walls and I want in. I worked really hard on the response. "Ok sorry I was being a little snarky hoping it would playfully nudge you. But to be honest this is actually annoying me now. I was really hoping to see pics or something of your time here and you sent nothing for a couple days. And then I ask a few different ways for you to share and you keep being vague and changing the subject. I think I've demonstrated I'm an open book, I'll tell you anything you want and I over share. But I want to know you. And if you're not going to share your personal life with me then that's not very encouraging." 

You can tell in his response that he is very good at affirming, calming language to diffuse situations. "Got you - I hear what you're saying. Nothing too structured, just been out around Gilbert, grabbing coffee and walking around a bit." 

Still unsatisfactory. But so sweet, right? Arrrrgh! It went on like this so I'll skip ahead a beat. Without any specifics, I told him I appreciated him sharing a little more, but asked if he is usually this quiet over text, and told him it felt one-sided. He again used that affirming, understanding language, and said he'd work on it. Point being made, I finally let him off the hook and answered his question about the dance. 

The next day, after wrapping up work and texting a little update to him, trying to lead by example(?), I asked how his day was. 

"Fine"

Oh my gosh. What did we just talk ab- nevermind. "Just fine?" I probed. 

"As opposed to?" 

I am furious. Breathe, Laura. 

"Brilliant! Rejuvenating! Hilarious!" 

He explains himself now: 
"I never use those adjectives
"To describe my day
"I'm not as expressive as you. I've very low key, chill, mellow." 

Why am I so patient? I tried again. "That's ok. But will you tell me something about your day?" 

"Help me understand the assignment [smiley face]
"If I told you I had tacos for dinner, would that satisfy your curiosity about my day, or are you looking for something else?" 

I have two problems with this. One, the assignment. Maybe it was said in a cutesy way, but it could also be taken as I'm putting an unwanted burden on him by asking him to elaborate beyond "fine." Also, he never ACTUALLY said he had tacos, he just asked if… 

So I tried to explain. Gawd I hate my level of patience sometimes. Absurd. He doesn't deserve me. "What you did gets 50%. Other 50%, relate it to you, or tell me why it stands out to you. e.g. Were they tasty? Too spicy? Was it difficult to order because the cashier only spoke Spanish?" All fair questions for someone visiting Arizona. But he is a master of defense, not a visitor to Arizona, as we'll discover later. 

"This feels like a journaling prompt [smiley emoji] What did you do + how did it make you feel". 

Yeah brah, that's kind of the point. I told him, "There's probably a reason for that [wink emoji]." 

And then, I mean honestly, MASTER of defense, says, "I'm not built for chronicling my meals like a food blogger. I stay in my lane." 

Do you know what food bloggers do? How much they write? If they wrote, as I suggested above, "the tacos were a bit too spicy for my taste," and nothing else, that would be the WORST FOOD BLOG EVER. 

But he didn't have tacos. He couldn't blog about his Arizonan culinary quest because he wasn't on an Arizonan culinary quest because he wasn't in Arizona. Sorry, jumping ahead again. 

I'm doubly pissed now (but still so nice - why?). "Ok but you say you're focused on experiences, so I'm trying to hear about your experience." I continued with more questions and he continued with more defenses. "I am succinct," was a good (bad) one. I told him it reads as if he's putting up walls, and explained that he didn't have to be a "food blogger" or "expressive" to carry a basic conversation. I asked him if he felt unsafe to share with me. He said no, and pointed to one time a while ago when he texted me, "Thinking of you." 

At a loss for words, I left him on read for a while, and then responded "Ok," and left it at that. 

And then he continues. Succinct my ass! "I don't mind at all if you want to narrate your day if its something you enjoy, I'm here for it. Laura, I enjoy talking to you. I'm not trying to shut you out." I mean, how much condescension can one put into words? He hasn't even met me and already he's supporting me in my flaws, of being, you know, a human being who makes conversation with a guy she's interested in talking to. "If its something you enjoy." I just, I, wow. 

He shared nothing interesting over the next few days, clearly not putting in the effort he claimed he would. But we continued some of our silly banter and hypothetical questions. I waited patiently - so patiently - for anything to come through. I gave him a challenge to try to make plans to see the sunset and send me a picture. Nada. 

Suddenly, and without warning (at least, he thought), I was on the plane to South Padre Island. He thought it was in July. Not so good at those dates, eh? But I reminded him that he had no reason to be jealous since he wasn't even going to be back in Texas until a few hours after we left. He confirmed his flight, clear as day, "Yep 430 flight 12th." Yada yada yada, lots of texting, all good banter, still not giving me a lot of personal details, no sunset pics, but fine whatever. Things were good. 

On the 13th, at 10:50 am, he sent me an airport selfie. I should have been grateful. A picture! Of him! And he explained the close crop because the guy next to him got in his shot. But, the timing was all off. "I thought you were coming back yesterday…" I said. "I got it wrong," was all he had to say for himself. Mind you, he had told me he was really good at remembering dates and numbers before, and had gone and confirmed his flight details to me earlier in the text thread. And the time wasn't even right. Why would you be at the airport at 10:50 am for a 4:30 flight? 

But it was worse. It wasn't the PHX airport. It was the DFW airport. I could tell from the signs. So he was at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day, AND he had no pictures or interesting tidbits to share from two weeks visiting Gilbert, Arizona? 

It was a fake trip. There is no other explanation. He used a pretend trip to get out of meeting up with me. He fabricated the whole thing, AND got his made-up dates and times wrong. 

But I was on vacation. I may have had plenty of time on my hands, but I had no interest in combing through the messages to trace back why I was confused. Just let it go, and enjoy the selfie. He even joked the selfie was proof that he was a real human and not a bot. I mean, sure, but the trip was fake, my friend!! 

After more cute banter and me oversharing pictures and how great of a time I was having on vacation, I was feeling wanting of male attention, so I asked again if we could meet IRL (cute, right?). 

And this is where he gets the Nonner nickname. Because not only is he a non-food blogger, he is a non-everything. Non-anything? Non-all of it, Nonner. Because when I asked if we could meet, he gave me the non-iest non-answer a non-answerer could non-answer. 

"We'll see [wink emoji] depends how the timing shakes out with all the crisscrossing travel going on"

For me, "we'll see" equates to "no." But I pressed, ever patient, uncertain if I told him the specifics of my upcoming Greenville work trip or not. "Do you have more travel planned?" 

More non-ing: "Possibly. We'll see. More importantly, did you wind up getting the matching tattoos?" 

WHOAAAAAAA! Three non-answers in a row and a quick non-sense pivot?!? What'd I tell you? He's a master of this. 

"Another non answer. Got it. Ball's in your court I guess. I'm done asking. Good night," was as nice as I could be. I was livid. 

The next morning, I get a long winded text about how he's so confused by my irrational reaction. Because, obviously, I'm the problem. This blog post is longer than I intended - I was going to summarize all of this - but the reality is too good not to write it all out, so let's go. 

"I'm honestly confused. One day we can talk and banter for hours with no issues, and it feels like we're on great terms. Then another day, it feels like you suddenly have a problem with how I communicate. From my perspective, that's hard to reconcile because I don't feel like I've changed. Can you help me understand what's going on?" 

I mean, gaslighting and blatant dismissive lack of accountability aside, it's a reasonable request to ask for clarity. But I was pretty done-so at this point. So I crafted a long account of what I now realized had transpired. 

"I can help you understand. It's not a sudden problem with how you communicate out of nowhere. It's that your actions and timeline completely contradict each other. 

"For someone who told me you have a 'great mind for dates and numbers' the math here doesn't add up. You told me you were flying back on Friday the 12th on a 4:30 pm flight. Then you sent an airport selfie on Saturday morning - standing right in front of the DFW Terminal E gate sign - and you said you 'got the date wrong.' Even if you meant you flew back on Saturday, a morning selfie at DFW would make zero sense for a 4:30 pm flight out of Phoenix. Now you're using vague potential travel as a reason we can't meet up. You sent no pictures and nothing real about Arizona. It seems likely you weren't there at all actually. 

"I have genuinely enjoyed some of our conversations, and our phone call had a great flow. But when I try to ask straightforward questions to bridge the gap or move things forward, I get vague non-answers and deflections. Telling me you're 'honestly confused' right now feels incredibly indicative of gaslighting when its your own conflicting stories causing the breakdown. 

"You have consistently avoided actually meeting up. If you genuinely want to pursue this, the next step is a real, concrete date - tell me the day, time and place. If you aren't ready or willing to make actual plans to meet me in person, then please stop wasting my time." 

To this direct confrontation, he pulled out all the stops on gaslighting: "I hear you. I'm not going to go back and forth on timelines or details, and I'm not trying to mislead you or waste your time. If that's not something you're comfortable with, I understand. If we meet up, I'm open to keeping it simple and seeing if we click in person." 

There are soooooo many problems here - for starters, it's me who isn't comfortable with lies? Yeah. And let's keep it simple aka don't ask me anything that will further confirm I've been a big fat liar this whole time. 

I wasn't sure I'd respond, but then he sent another: "I can meet you on Wed, Jun 24, at Hop & Sting Brewing Co in Grapevine. I'm available between 4 and 7:30 pm." 

Gotta love that he came around, right? I mean, giving specifics like this really works for me. There's just one problem. I was in Greenville that week. Did he know that? Was he doing it on purpose to prove a point that I'm the one who is unavailable because I travel? I looked back through the messages and couldn't find anything that mentioned the specific timing of my trip. But I probably blabbed about it on the phone, and I have a poor memory for whether or not I told him specifics. So, honestly, no clue if he was doing that on purpose or not. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt, shall we? 

But rather than admitting his assertion that we have travel plans that limit our ability to meet up, I was focused on how far out he had put the date - over week from now. If he was eager to meet up (indeed, he had joked about joining me on my beach trip before we realized he wouldn't be back from Arizona yet - presumably, anyways), then surely, asking him to meet this week shouldn't be an issue, right? 

So here I go, one last time. "I really appreciate you putting out a specific plan - the place and time window work perfectly for me! Since we'll both be back in town this week, I'd love to not wait until next week. Can we make it happen this week? I have a few days that work - I can do this Tue, Thur or Fri afternoon during that same 4 to 7:30 pm window." 

And the nail in the coffin was his response: "I'm going to stick with the availability I sent you, if that doesn't work for you, no worries and we can skip meeting." 

The word "skip" here is doing a lot of heavy lifting. He went from wanting to cuddle all the time, and not being a good texter so therefore wanting to just spend time in person with me, and travel the world with me to "skipping" the meeting part? 

By offering a hyper-specific date a week out—knowing I likely mentioned my work travel on the phone—he engineered a trap where he got to look reasonable ("Look, I offered a date!") while ensuring the meeting would never happen. And even if, per chance, I was able to move the work travel to make that date work, a week out seems like enough time to engineer a new "crisscrossing travel" fabrication or create another situation where he "got it wrong" again. It was never about a schedule; it was about control.

Done. I was done. No response. Left on read. Then a few days later, he had the nerve to bait me into picking back up where we were good, like a system restore back to the latest uncorrupted copy of the relationship. "Be honest: what's the one story from the beach trip that you'd tell if you only got to tell one?" 

I'll be honest. This sounds like a bot. I was with my beach travel companion at the time, and so when I read that to her, she fell for the bait, even though she knew the whole back story. She started telling me which story I should choose. I had to stop her. "Girlfriend, I'm not f-ing responding." 

I really hope he texts me again. Something tells me it's not over. I mean, any prospect of dating this (likely robot) Nonner is over. But, please gawd, let the drama continue. It can't end like this. I need more non-blogger, non-essayist, non-traveler, nonner nonner energy in my life. 

Then to Now: Cheating

Every life has its own 'viewfinder'—a set of early scenes that play on a loop in the back of our minds. This series, Then to Now, is my personal archive of my own core memories. By documenting these childhood stories, I’m looking for the threads that shaped my perspective, explored through the lens of the present. One memory at a time, I’m tracing the line from these foundational flickers to how they still develop in the person I am today.

In this Then to Now post, I am going to be very vulnerable and honest, in hopes that it helps people understand what could be going on in their own lives, and to help make the case for some very strongly held beliefs of mine with which are often disagreed, and sometimes even disparaged. Please keep an open mind, free from judgment, until you've read the entire piece, and then I hope you will still give grace. 

I cheated. I cheated on a boyfriend, a committed relationship. I cheated on two different boyfriends (at different times). While with the second boyfriend on whom I cheated, I cheated multiple times. With none other than the first boyfriend on whom I cheated. It's a mess. I was a mess. Let me explain. 

I've always been boy crazy. (Come to think of it, going way back to some of my earlier boy crazy days may be a good topic for my next "Then to Now" post. But not this one.) I've had crushes whom I titled "boyfriends" to be cool like my older sisters. And when I was in junior high, I started having boyfriends who knew I called them that and were agreeable to it, not just crushes I told others were my "boyfriends." I dated quite a bit in high school, always older guys until I was older and then I mixed in some younger guys. In college, I intentionally resisted getting coupled up my first year to give me time to explore my new surroundings. But there were crushes, and partners, and all sorts of kissing. 

Early freshman year, a classmate, Ricky, and I became fast friends. I think he liked me as more than a friend from the start, but it would be years later before anything would bloom between us. At the end of the year (and I have no idea why it took this long), he introduced me to his friend, Dallas. Having all but abandoned my Christian practices in favor of experiencing all that college had to offer me my freshman year, the fact that Dallas was faithfully religious intrigued me - maybe he'd be the one to bring me back to the church and save my soul. Or not. It didn't much matter to me, he was cute and charming and he liked me! 

Dallas and I hit it off, and I decided my pause on getting coupled up for the year was close enough to expiration, might as well lift it. We were boyfriend and girlfriend I think, for a few days anyways. 

Dallas invited me over to his house one day, and Ricky and I went, along with James who was also friends with Dallas and knew Ricky through the mutual acquaintance. There were dozens of people there, set up for something like a graduation party. But Dallas was a freshman in college. Who were we celebrating? Dallas, it turned out. Imagine my surprise when Dallas introduced me to his three fathers (long story), his high school band director, his aunts and cousins, who were all here to bid him farewell as he went off to Boot Camp. I'm sorry, what? 

It was then that I learned, somehow completely unaware previously, that my new boyfriend was going into the Navy and would not be returning to ASU that fall. I mean, I had plans to go home over the summer and even that felt like an eternity to be away from my new boyfriend, but this seemed worse. 

Actually, good news. His Boot Camp was near Chicago, near where I'd be for the summer. But that doesn't mean I'd see him throughout summer. But we could write love letters. Isn't that sweet? And at the end of his training, I could go see him graduate Boot Camp. That's cool. 

We wrote love letters. This is where I am a bit fuzzy; maybe we had broken it off once I learned that he was going into the Navy, and we were just being casually sweet, or maybe he never was my committed boyfriend. Either way, it was never all that serious and he's not the one I cheated on. That comes later. I mention all this now because I also was receiving love letters - or technically, love post cards - from another suitor. We had made out one drunken night before I met Dallas, and he had suddenly taken a more serious interest in me. Either way, it was cute, but I was in Chicago studying Japanese, and didn't have much time for boys. Maybe the boy in my class who was super cute and gave me special tutoring help and introduced me to Ultimate Frisbee and showed me where to play pool and go to the movies on campus. Maybe him. But seriously, I didn't have time for boys! 

Dallas let me know the plans for post-Boot Camp. He did not, to my recollection, invite me to the actual ceremony, which probably would have been neat to see even if he wasn't my boyfriend. But we made plans to go to a movie afterwards with his parents. Because, naturally, that's what a good Navy sailor does after Boot Camp. So weird, my life back then. I don't know why any of this was okay. So I went to the movie but he messaged me they'd be late, and to go in without them. So I did. Half way through the movie, he finally arrived and put his arm around me and apologized profusely. I cried, as I do. I was very upset. This was supposed to be, like a cute thing, and instead, I was left on my own in a movie theater in the middle of wherever the heck we were. 

Dallas was deployed to San Diego. I think that was the last I had seen of him. But San Diego wasn't so far from ASU. Maybe we could see each other again when I returned to school. 

Before returning to ASU for the fall semester, I received one last love post card from that other guy, saying he had fallen in love with a woman and they were getting married. Ooooookkkaaaay. 

My cousin, Jenna, her friend Ashley, and I had arranged to get a three bedroom apartment for my sophomore year. Jenna took the master even though I (aka my parents) were paying more than both of them combined, but that was just the start of the Jenna drama and not the point of this post. Life was weird back then. I guess it still is. Anyways, I had this apartment room and so I had to furnish it. Because my Japanese class in Chicago wrapped up just before my classes at ASU started, my Mom actually went out to Arizona ahead of me to get me a bed and set up my room a little bit. That was nice, actually, thank you Mom! All that was left for me to do was get a desk and office chair, and I was in pretty good shape. 

Oh the desk. That's where it all really started. Was it the desk's fault. No, it was fate. The desk was just the vehicle of the fate machine. You see, I struggled to get the desk together. My new roommate, Ashley, tried to help out, and we were confuzzled. I wasn't yet an engineer, mind you, I had only one year of engineering basics under my belt at this time. And the desk was stupid! 

These were the days of AOL Instant Messenger. Oh gosh. So yeah, James, the friend of Dallas, who I should mention is very good looking, was AIM-ing me (I think that's what we called it) about missing Dallas. I commiserated with him. And then I told him about this damn desk. He said he could help - what a gentleman! But he didn't have a car to get to my place. So I offered to pick him up from Glendale and drive him back to my place in Gilbert. Do you know how far it is from Glendale to Gilbert? So far. But I did it. And we got to talking, you know? 

James was a saint. Is a saint, really, except those few times. But that's later. He masterfully put the desk together like it was practically easy. Maybe it was. I was so grateful, though, I asked if I could treat him to dinner. I let him pick the place. He was shocked, the poor thing. He said women didn't usually give him options, and he was so grateful I gave him the autonomy to make a decision. Wow! My heart broke. He was just the sweetest. 

Over dinner, I learned that James had never been drunk. Being a recently ordained self-proclaimed expert, I offered to guide him through his first drunkfest within the safe confines of our apartment some weekend, so as not to risk any drunk driving or public nudity or what have you. He was agreeable to a friendly sleepover involving a large amount of alcohol sometime in the near future. We made a plan, and I let my roommies in on it, and Jenna's boyfriend joined in on the fun as well. 

The five of us, my two roommates, Jenna's boyfriend, James, and I, had a rip-roaring good time. I don't know why I said that but it feels old-timey and so I'm sticking with it. We played a dumb board game that got us drunk, and "Truth or Dare" and "Never Have I Ever" and then just succumbed to lining up multiple shots and seeing how many we could do before retching. I think I lost that last one - four shots of Goldshlagger did the trick. After brushing my teeth, it felt like it was time for bed. James was exuberant with his first drunken experience, and he hopped into bed next to me, as planned. I turned the lights off, and the next thing that happened was not planned. 

James was on top of me, kissing me. And I was kissing back. We made out - I was still a virgin then and that was not the night to be going where no man has gone before. Even still, this was kinda bad. 

James and I ended up spending the whole weekend together, mostly lying in bed talking, touching and kissing, and getting up only when we needed food or a bathroom break. After a luxuriously long, lazy, sweet weekend, we decided we needed to tell Dallas. We were both missing from his absence, and bonding over that, but also didn’t want to feel like we were betraying him. So we let Dallas know during a video chat from San Diego, and I guess he must have sort of understood or given us his blessing, because we were pretty stoked after that. I don't recall those specifics, but James and I were now a committed boyfriend/girlfriend couple, out in the open. 

Enter Leif. Well, actually, Leif had entered my life a year ago, back in the dorms. He was on one of the engineering floors in the Manzanita dorm next to my much fancier dorm. I had crushed on him hard my freshman year, but he had a committed girlfriend and although he flirted innocently, never gave me indications of anything more. So now in sophomore year, he was in one of my classes and I guess I invited him over for a school project or homework or something. When we finished our schoolwork, he forced himself one me and was instantly kissing me. We also didn't go too far, but we did make out and then some, and, that is obviously not an okay thing to do when in a committed relationship. Both of us were, supposedly. 

Now, backtrack a little here and explain all the things going through my head right now. I was very newly with James, which maybe should mean I should have been more loyal, but I honestly thought it wasn't going to last, which is a terrible thing to think, but it is what it is. The Dallas thing had really thrown me, that other guy sending me postcards and then getting married, every relationship in my life seemed so fleeting. A female classmate I became close with freshman year had told me all about how, in relationships, she always cheats right away, just in case he ends up cheating on her, she can feel like she had the upper hand. That logic, though flawed even to me, was knocking around in my head. And Leif. Well, Leif was in a committed relationship, too. In fact, his was much more serious - 6 years or something like that.  And I had wanted him for so long. If he was okay with this, then I would be. 

Without an ounce of trying to use a cliché, it all happened so fast. Like, it really did. He was kissing me before I knew what was going on. Could I have pushed him away. Of course I could have. But I didn't have time to think before the kissing started, because there had been no warning. And if you've ever tried to think while you are being kissed by a guy you are crazy about, it's not easy. My mind was going crazy but because I didn't know what to do, I just went with it. 

So there you go. I cheated. I didn't let Leif cross any lines I wouldn't have been okay with as a single woman. In other words, if I had been single, kissing Leif would have been great, even if he had a girlfriend. I don't believe that the person a partner is cheating with is ever to blame. But I did cheat on James. And I felt terrible immediately. 

James and I had plans to spend another weekend together, and I was going to his place to pick him up. Before we got in the car, I told him everything. Or at least, as much as he needed to know - that I cheated, that I was sorry, that I had no intention of doing it ever again, and that I hoped he'd forgive me and we could stay together. I was genuine. And we stayed together for months after that. And I never did cheat on him again.

When James and I broke up, though, it was because another guy had caught my eye, and I didn't want to cheat on him. Paul, a classmate, and I had been studying together and he liked me. The contrast between the two guys was a chasm. Paul was in engineering school. James was a college dropout, with no car, working at Goodwill. But beyond the paper resume, the contrast was even more stark. Paul was brilliant. James was really unintelligent. Sweet, a musically inclined, but really not smart. 

James transferred to work at a nearby Goodwill and moved in with me so I didn't have to do the shuttle back and forth. He also wanted to go back to school, and could attend Mesa Community College. So for spring semester, we worked out a little arrangement where Paul would pick me up and take me to ASU for class so that James could use my car. 

Paul made his intentions known, and he even got drunk with my roomies and I one time when James was at work, and tried to kiss me. I rejected him. But there were feelings growing. 

One night, as James and I were laying down in bed to go to sleep, I called him Paul. It slipped out of my mouth for no apparent reason. I hadn't been fantasizing about Paul, I hadn't been doing anything physically with him, but there it was. I freaked out. I apologized, of course, but my head was racing. 

The next morning, I decided James and I should split. There were clearly feelings for Paul and I was so afraid of hurting James. But I had promised myself back in high school I would never dump one guy for another. I had to be sure the relationship by itself was done. And it was; James was clearly not smart enough to challenge me intellectually and I felt I needed more. He was so sweet, and I loved that about him, but he was hopelessly lost career-wise and dating him felt more like a charity case than a strong foundation for a loving relationship. It seemed like ending things with him was the right thing to do, regardless of what happened with Paul. I let James finish the semester out with our little arrangement, which was even weirder once Paul and I started dating but I was still sharing a bed with James. Nothing happened, though, that was naughty, other than the weirdness of physically sharing a bed. I spent the night at Paul's house when I could, which wasn't often since he lived with his parents and I didn't want to make it weird there. The worst part, though, was that James got a tattoo as a way of mourning the relationship with me. It was a crown of thorns on his chest, right over his heart. He would often be shirtless in the room, and I would see it before he'd throw his shirt on. I hated hurting him. 

For junior year, I got my own apartment Jenna-drama-free, and Paul sort of lived with me because it was much closer to school. Life was good. Honestly. Engineering school is hard, and now being in my third year, I had to really work to keep up with my brilliant and much nerdier classmates. But we still had fun and Paul and I would visit my family down in Tucson regularly. My oldest sister had given birth to her son in Chicago my first summer back from school, and my middle sister gave birth to her son during my junior year. Paul and I had just arrived back in the apartment from a weekend trip in Tucson when we got the call she was going into labor. We decided to let her give birth without us, and we were back down there the next weekend to meet my new nephew. My niece from my oldest sister came about a year later. I knew Paul's family well, too. Since his parents lived in Mesa, and his six siblings would come around frequently and his Dad absolutely adored me. 

Ricky and I were also still great friends, and I'd hang out at his house occasionally, where I got the sense that his parents secretly were hoping I'd date him. But Paul and I were practically married, and everyone was happy. 

James was not happy. He had also found a new girlfriend, and got her pregnant. And she was a psychopath, at least as he tells it, and from what I could see. She had gone through his phone and found that he was still messaging with me, even though it was mostly innocent and him venting. We weren't sexting or talking about getting back together. But she went off. She started texting me all these horrible things, and the worst was how she would complain that every time she sees him shirtless, she sees the mark on his heart that is there for me. I empathize, truly, but she was also nuts. They split, and he had to fight for custody of his son. The stress of everything caused his skin condition to worsen. He was really struggling with life. And he'd confide in me that he was striving to be the man I wanted him to be, working on a career and finishing his education. It was sweet and heartbreaking. 

Meanwhile, trouble in paradise. I'm not sure I could even recall exactly what the issue was with Paul. I think honestly I was bored. I know that's not nice, but things were so easy and he maybe wasn't as exciting and brilliant as I thought and we were very domesticated and I still wanted to have fun. Video games was a problem with us, he liked to play endlessly and I have never been much into gaming, so that created a divide and time apart. 

The confusion started to set in again. I met up with James for lunch here or there, trying to be supportive and keep it public and nothing inappropriate. That didn't last. He kissed me, and I let him. By now, neither of us were virgins, and since we had never done it together, it seemed like we ought to. 

This time, the cheating happened multiple times before I admitted it. James and I were sneaking around, and we were going all the way. I didn't like the lying, it wasn't exciting for me. It felt like rekindling something that had never died rather than chasing something new. 

Paul and I were on a camping trip with his best friends from Tucson, when he asked point blank if I was cheating on him with James. Obviously, I had done my best to cover my tracks, so I don't know how he knew or if he just suspected, but the guilt weighed so heavily on me by then that I didn't want to perpetuate the lie. I told him the truth. We talked about if I wanted to break up and get back together with James, and I told him I didn't. I wanted to stay with Paul, if he'd still have me, and asked for forgiveness. He forgave me, but asked me to end all communications with James, friendly or otherwise, which I felt was fair. I agreed and I did so. 

I never cheated on Paul again. When we broke up, it was mutual and unrelated to other romantic interests. We had grown apart and wanted different things. He had blamed me for us not living in Tucson, because I never found a job there and I did find a job in Phoenix, and unlike him who had a job in college that he could keep  after he graduated, I needed a real job. So I don't think it was fair that he held that against me, I told him if he got a job in Tucson that we could move there and I would focus my search solely on Tucson, but until one of us got a job in Tucson, I was going to keep options open to both cities. 

Anyways, we had the weirdest break up in history, I think. It was so mutually agreeable, and since he was living with me in my house with guest rooms, he was going to move into the guest room until he figured out where he was going next. What made it extraordinarily weird was after we decided to split, he asked if I wanted to tackle the kitchen renovation we'd been planning for my house. And I did. So we spent the rest of the weekend and a few weeks after using power tools, painting the cabinets, putting up new hardware and fixtures, and working side by side like the best of friends. The relationship was actually easier once we relieved the stress of being coupled up. It was bizarre, and productive. He only moved out once I started seeing someone else and he couldn't bear to see me with another guy. 

After Paul moved out, my friend Karen moved in. There was a whole slew of drama that ensued resulting from that mistake. I dated a few friends of friends, and James and I reconnected now that I was no longer with Paul, but it was still drama and we never really rekindled anything. Ricky was still in my life, and after seeing me go through heartbreak after heartbreak, he became my next relationship of significant length. We were together for about 18 months, and I never cheated on him or was ever tempted to. He broke my heart when he realized his desire for me had waned even before we actually got together, and that despite his best efforts to get his feelings for me back, they never came. After being friends for so long, I had wanted us to be forever together, or at least go back to being good friends, but we were unsuccessful at both, although we do catch up every so many years. 

Jaiman and I dated for 10 years. I never cheated on him either, although I did have opportunities and temptations when the relationship was on the downward slide towards ending. There was a lot of good in our relationship, and there was a lot of crazy at the end. When I tried to break up with him amicably, he fired off all these bizarre accusations and distorted realities. He insisted I had been cheating on him for all 10 years of our relationship with a guy who lived in Arizona. And he even insisted, for some reason, that I must have been cheating on Ricky, even though he didn't know me then and had no reason to believe that. Of course, I had disclosed my past with cheating at some point early in our relationship, but I had also explained how I realized it wasn't worth it to cheat, and that I know understand if I'm tempted, that it is better to just evaluate why I'm unhappy in my relationship and end it, rather than cheat. Yet he disregarded my truth in favor of a fabricated reality in which he was the victim. I later found his OnlyFans subscriptions on the tablet I shared with him, and realized he was probably projecting cheating on me to feel better about his own online activities, whatever they may be. 

And let me now also explain what I have, indeed, learned from those young adult transgressions. I have learned that a relationship is not to be treated like a temporary thing. I have learned that a relationship should not be perpetuated if I want someone else so badly. I have learned that forgiveness is powerful, and there can be happiness after cheating is forgiven. I think the most important thing, though, is that people can change for the better. So many people hold a strong belief that, "once a cheater, always a cheater," and I am living evidence that that is simply not true. I cheated when I was young and confused. I do not make excuses, as those actions were wrong. But I can explain how someone who considers herself a good person, honest, generous, and empathetic, can slip into an action of which she is not proud. I am accountable for my actions, and I was truly sorry in both cases. The second time around was far worse; the guilt weighed so heavily and the lying and sneaking around was so draining, I think I started to feel like it wasn't worth long before he confronted me. Once the question was asked, I had no more energy to fake it. It was a miserable time and I never want to go through that again. 

So I learned, for myself, not because Paul told me to stop cheating or because I didn't want to get caught again. I learned that it isn't worth it, that it hurts everyone, including myself. I learned that the hard task of looking at the relationship and deciding if I want to stay in it or leave it, is far more important than the instant gratification I think I will get by cheating. I learned that feelings don't need to be acted upon, but should be used to seek clarity and make decisions. And so, I have never cheated on any committed partner ever again. 

Cheaters can change. That doesn't mean they will, just because you tell them to, or even just because they say they will, or because they got caught. A person repeatedly cheating on you should be doubted, of course. Third, fourth, fifth chances are likely not to show improvement. But if a person truly believes what they've done is wrong and learns that it's not worth the pain, they can change. Just because someone has cheated in their lives, does not by itself warrant the label of a "cheater" forever. 

Other Then to Now posts:

Then to Now: Never Alone - Friday, April 17, 2026