Finding Meaning, Finding Happiness

 I recently watched these shows called "Seeking Sister Wives" and "Seeking Brother Husbands" and I couldn't help juxtapose the two perspectives. The polygamous families portrayed are very spiritual and/or religious about their approach to having more wives. The polyandrous families seem to be more about the women bending the men's wills to their own conditions, and is more about maintaining  relationships while dating new partners instead of bringing new partners into a family. Either way, both is about wanting more, not being content with the "normal" family structure. And then I watched a few episodes of "Coming from America" in which American families, predominantly black, move to Africa to seek better lives.

It just makes me think that everyone is seeking this meaning and happiness, and I'm not alone in being discontented. The typical materials on finding meaning and happiness talk about how it's not about achieving milestones or obtaining things, but more about appreciating what you have. So why are so many people, who all seem like they have plenty grateful for, myself included, still unhappy?

I would say that I am especially grateful for the fact that my life has afforded me the opportunities to try different ways of living (within limits, to be fair) - condo, apartment, beach house, desert suburbs, having a pool, etc. I do believe that there is a level of financial stability and having your home set up just right that makes being happy easier.

Where I'm at now in my life feels like another crossroads is coming. I'm dating this wonderful man in Sydney and the distance has been so hard but every time I talk to him I feel encouraged and fall for him a little more. I just moved to Fort Worth this year and have pretty much decided I hate it. I am getting used to it, to be fair, and the cooler temperatures as we get into fall is making it less insufferable. But while I would love to have Sam move in with me, I’m not sure that Texas is the place for me, let alone for us. Sam seemed to like his time here quite a bit, and I liked Sam taking in the sun in the backyard.

Being very internationally minded, I feel like Sam and I could live anywhere and be happy together. He's definitely a beach guy and I've always felt pulled to the ocean as well, so if we were to live together in the US, it feels like Florida would be the best place. I've felt pulled back to Florida ever since I left, and I guess technically since before I moved there in the first place. But I've also thought about moving to Sydney to be with him there. I loved my vacation in Australia years ago, and am so looking forward to going back there at the end of this year.

It also makes me wonder, though, maybe I'd like to try Italy, Denmark, Sweden, or the UK. Obviously, the UK would be easy in some ways because of the language, but it's also on an island and one of the appeals to me to be in Europe is that you can train to different countries. I've never visited Denmark or Sweden so I guess I should probably visit there before thinking about moving. Costa Rica also is an appealing place, but not sure if the bugs would kill me there. Singapore, Thailand, Japan are also on my list I think, although again, I've never even visited Thailand or Singapore, so probably need to do that. There is just so much I want to do! Maybe staying put and traveling from DFW is a decent idea for now.

Thankful for Perspective

I like to believe that there is no such thing as a bad day - that good and bad things happen every day, and that's just life, and deeming a day "good" or "bad" is all a matter of perspective and what you're focusing on.  It's easy to have a "good day" when things are all going well; you finish a project and get recognized for your hard work, then an old friend emails you saying they are coming into town and you arrange a meeting to catch up, you get a free meal at Chipotle on your way home, your favorite show is on, etc.  But when things get bumpy, when setback after setback and irritating things start creeping into your day, it can be hard not to think it's a "bad day".  As much as I want to deny their existence, I think bad days can happen.  But that doesn't mean you have to be angry or crabby or depressed, it just means you have to work a little harder to be grateful for the things that are going well and what you have in your life to be thankful for.  It may sound bleak, but the reality is that things could always be much worse.  Small things are nothing when big bad things happen. 

I once thought I was having a bad day because my manager was getting on my case about a report and I didn't feel like I had been given enough time to really work it.  It was frustrating, to be sure, because my manager should certainly know that I had had other priorities that demanded my attention, so I couldn't fathom why she was making a big deal about it.  Then my colleague got news that her father had suddenly passed away.  Those are two very different scenarios.  I instantly felt more guilty than I've ever felt, for whining about such a little ordeal.  I had lost my perspective. 

I think it's safe to say that most bad days are not that traumatic; that is, most bad days do not involve the sudden, unexpected death of a close loved one.  For those days, I really have no solution, because everybody deals with death differently and there is no amount of positive spin that can make it "a good day," in my opinion.  But on bad days that are not as tragic, which should be most bad days, at the very least, you can say, "I'm alive and well, my family is alive and well, my friends are alive and well, and we're working through this thing called life." 

In the summer before I started 8th grade, I made a promise to myself to never forget that I am loved.  I've kept that promise ever since.  It was a petty junior high romance gone bad at band camp that had developed into the bad day that led me to that moment, crying in the girl's bathroom at the band camp dance, when two girls whom I barely knew comforted me and made me feel better.  I think that was a legitimate turning point in my attitude towards life, and I will never forget that feeling of being cared about when I thought (dramatically, as junior highers do) that all was lost.  Looking back on it now, it was a silly situation to cry over, but that promise was more profound and mature than I realized then.  Since then, when I felt lonely, I reminded myself that my family loved me.  When my heart was broken, I surrounded myself with friends who cared.  I have never let myself think for a millisecond that I am not loved, because I know I am. 

In the last year or so, I can't even remember particularly when it was, I had somehow managed to injure myself so severely that I could barely walk, I couldn't bend at the waist at all, and all forms of movement caused searing pain.  It was horrible.  I remember thinking that this is only partially what it would feel like to be paralyzed.  I made light of it by telling people how I had to put my pants on lying in bed, throwing my pants up in the air until I could catch them on my feet, and then work them down my leg.  But it was just awful.  I sat on ice and heat whenever I could to heal, but everything hurt all the time and life was very difficult.  Getting into my car was the most excruciating thing I had to do each day.  It was only slightly easier for me to get into the passenger side of a car, so I made Jaiman drive me everywhere we went together during that time.  I ended up healing just fine, and since then, I have a new and profound appreciation for my fitness and my ability to move and dance freely.  I am not the most fit, to be sure, and not the best dancer, but I can usually move as needed and desired, and when I am sore it's because I've been moving, and I am grateful for that. 

I got an early start on the Thankful blog I was planning to do tomorrow, because today was one of those days that I needed it.  I had taken a vacation day, and as is all too often the case with me, my to do list outweighed both the time I had and the energy and motivation I had.  Still, I wanted to get things done.  I got up to 25,000 words on my nanowrimo novel, although today was the deadline to get to 50,000 words.  Ah well, 25,000 words is still an accomplishment, it's 25,000 more words than I would have written on my novel if I hadn't tried. 

I took a break from writing to check my work email, just to see if there were any catastrophes I could potentially resolve - this was around 1 pm.  The first thing that caught my eye was a MANDATORY meeting - yes in all caps - from my new VP, regarding the transition I've been stressed about the last couple weeks.  And it was at 10 am.  I looked for a reschedule notification, and there was none.  Didn't he see that I was on vacation?  I looked for a recap of what was said, and there was none.  I checked the attendance list, hoping to at least see my production steering counterpart on there, because I knew he was also on vacation, so at least I wouldn't have been the only one that missed the meeting.  But he was not on there.  I guess it's not a catastrophe, but not being in the room when my senior leaders are discussing my product line and my project just seems very bad. 

Throughout the day, my phone has been running terribly slow.  Tmobile had pushed a new update and it caused the whole system to run like garbage.  This may be the most frustrating thing at all, because there is literally nothing I can think to do except go to Tmobile and demand they fix it, which they won't.  I tried to send a message to my sister in response to a question she asked, and it took over an hour to send.  Then it took me another 15 minutes to type out an apology that my phone wasn't working and I couldn't communicate right now as a result.  It nearly crashed as I tried to end the message with a period, so I hit send really quickly before it crashed. 

I had asked Jaiman to see if he could get the plastic to feed into my new 3D printer, and he figured it out - the directions were wrong.  Leave it to a man to do the opposite of the incorrect directions and solve the problem.  I am grateful for that.  But then, after spending quite some time taping up the table of the printer, a belt snapped and my attempts at repairing it lead to complete disaster, cutting right through the nicely laid tape. 

So, I moved on to another project - putting up the Christmas tree.  This is one of those annual projects that I always kind of dread, but I'm glad when it's done because I so love Christmas and nothing is better this time of year than a lit up and decorated Christmas tree.  It's nice to have help fluffing the branches, but I knew Jaiman likes it even less than I do, so I went ahead and worked all three pieces while he was at work.  Feeling accomplished, a got the base set up and the bottom section in, and plugged that puppy in.  Of course, more than half the lights didn't light up.  I was prepared, though, with my handy little Christmas light repair tool I had bought a couple years ago.  It had solved my problems before, and it could surely save me this time.  But, I tried and tried and could not find the busted bulb.  I scooched around the tree several times, with no luck.  I gave myself until 5 pm, at which point I decided that I needed to go to It's Sugar to try to get the special Japanese Kit Kats I wanted to bring in to work for food day, get cash for my Gypsy Jitterbugs dues, and then head to practice.  So at 5, I called it quits, having had no success at all on the lighting, and now having three large sections of Christmas tree hogging the floor of my front room. 

As I was about to leave, I noticed that my debit card was not in my phone case.  The case had loosened up in recent weeks, so the cards were slipping out from time to time.  This set me on a mad hunt around my house to find my debit card.  Why did it have to be THAT card?  I could live without one of my credit cards, but it's hard to pay dues when I have no money and no means of getting it.  Finally, I found it and left, slightly later than I wanted to be leaving. 

There was a line 5 deep at the drive through ATM, so I drove around and parked.  Both walk-up ATMs had lines of two each, but I figured it would still go faster than waiting in the car.  I got in line, got my money and headed to the store.  I got the Kit Kats, but they were a little pricier than I expected.  Ah well, now is not the time to be cheap, right?  I got to dance practice right on time.  Dance went well, and I headed home. 

I should add that I had also seen the wreckage of a terrible accident on my way home - it appears a van had T-boned an ambulance, and both were smoking and severely damaged.  The van was on its side and just completely crushed.  Glass was everywhere.  People were on the side of the street, one was crying with her head in her hands.  It was really ugly.  I made it home safely, and for that, I am thankful.  I am so weary of the dangers of driving, that I should be thankful every time I get anywhere without crashing and especially without dying. 

But, I wasn't feeling very grateful.  I was feeling sorry for myself, now with a 3D printer I'm fed up with, a Christmas tree I'm fed up with, a phone that doesn't operate, laundry to do and an unknown situation to walk into at work tomorrow.  Not to mention that I had wanted to walk Carly, which I hadn't, and clean the kitchen, which was still a mess, and a few other things that deep down I probably knew wouldn't get done when I put them on my list to begin with. 

So, I needed some perspective.  My house is messy, but I have a house.  My 3D printer is not up and running yet, but I am an early adopter and this is to be expected, some day I'll chalk it up to experience and have great war stories to tell about the early days of 3D printing.  My work is frustrating and tense, but I have a great job, I like my colleagues and my managers.  I have a boyfriend who can help me troubleshoot things, a family that loves me, great friends who care, a cool car, some fantastic Christmas decorations, and I can dance.  These things are what matter.  I won't look back on today and think, "Stupid Christmas lights!"  I'll think back on today and remember the words I wrote, the efforts I made, the dance I did, and the people and things in my life that make it interesting.  These things are only difficult now because they are things that I have and care about. 

It's a little like how the people you care about most have the biggest capacity to hurt you or let you down.  My "bad day" wasn't really bad, if I didn't have a phone, a Christmas tree, a 3D printer, and a half-written novel, I'm not sure what I would have done with myself today.  I'd be bored, and certainly that would be worse than getting frustrated at these fun things.  And if I didn't have a job, I'd be in a lot worse situation.  So I am thankful for perspective.