Sleep Deprived or Depressed

 I have been in a lull with my work and my recent review was a pretty strong testament to that. My boss was amazingly crafty in delivering an appreciative message while expressing the things I need to work on, and I felt like I had disappointed him and let myself down. I've known that I likely have sleep apnea for quite a while, but in Hawaii having my family reject even sleeping in the same room as me kind of irritated me to the point of deciding I have to deal with it. Well, life has been busy, but I finally decided to pursue a sleep study.

I have this weird anxiety about making phone calls or answering the phone, so it takes me some mental energy to prepare for making phone calls. So this process is a little hard for me. First, I tried calling the sleep center directly, but they said I would need a referral from a primary care doctor - which I don't have. So then I tried Teledoc, thinking that there wasn't anything a doctor would need to examine me physically for, so I hoped I could get the referral that way. I was very frustrated to find out that the doctor took the appointment knowing that's what I wanted but couldn't give me a referral. So I ended up turning it into renewing my asthma inhaler so at least I'd get something out of the fact that I had to pay for the Teladoc appointment. So, I finally researched a good doctor and made an appointment.

I have to say, not only was I seen quickly which is always nice, but the doctor immediately made me feel like she cared and was going to help me get the care I needed. When I explained to her both my sleep issues and my emotional challenges, she connected the two and explained how the lack of sleep puts my body into fight or flight mode and constantly stresses out my body even if I don't feel stressed. It was such a relief to know that maybe there's nothing wrong with me mentally, it's just a health condition which I have no control over. I even brought up being overweight and she said that when you're suffering from lack of sleep then it's much harder to make good eating choices and have the energy to work out. Not only that, but that stress on your body puts you into starvation mode and conserves fat, which could relate to why I've felt that my metabolism is broken. So, it seems like maybe this sleep problem is more than just annoying my family - it's been making my life much harder and hurting my health. I felt so seen and heard.

The doctor did ask me a number of pointed questions relating to mental illness to determine if I was depressed, and she asked directly if I was depressed. I wasn't totally truthful in my answers, knowing that affirmative answers may lead to a depression diagnosis or suspicion or whatever. I didn't want to go down that path because I don't believe it's true of me. But afterwards, it made me wonder why I was so guarded about it. Is it the stigma? Or denial? I mean, I have been in a rut lately and disengaged with my work which I usually love. On paper, my life is pretty damn great, and I'm still discontent. Maybe I am depressed? But I think it's easy to feel like that if I'm tired, too, and it's taken me this long to get to pursuing a sleep study, I think I'll see if that solves some problems and go from there.