We'll Always Have Scotland

Sam has been a little colder with me this week and I feel like something is up. He's been consistent with telling me it's okay for me to see people here locally - that he understands I want and need physical attention and that he isn't here to give it to me. My head takes him at his word - he's never lied to me that I know of or hides behind half-truths or anything like that. And yes, we have a pretty unconventional relationship being that we're on the opposite sides of the world and our time zones barely allow us to connect. Still, my heart can't help but cause me to wonder if he's trying to push me away, to ease me into distancing by encouraging me to find someone locally whose arms I can fall into.

He and I agreed to always speak up when we were uncomfortable so I told him as much - that maybe it was my insecurities but I felt like he was pushing me away. I told him I've tried seeing other people, which is true, but they're not him, and he's the one I want. I poured my heart out to him - I want him to ask me to be his and to talk about our future but I'm not even sure he wants me like that. And when I ask, the response I get is that we're all good. That is NOT an acceptable romantic gesture when I am scared and uncertain and vulnerable. But how can I push him? I've been such an emotional wreck lately - beyond my norm and not even feeling like myself - and I worry that the emotional roller coaster is what is pushing him away. So I decide to play it cool and do what I can to take him at his word.

Last night he never said good morning to me like usually does. He showed online - I hate that WhatsApp gives me that stalkerish ability but you know I'm going to use it when I can - he showed online eight minutes before I decided to message him, and he didn't get back online or respond until 3 am my time.

It makes me upset because I don't want to lose him. But then, lately, I've started to ask myself if he really is what I want. He refuses to put his arm around me, he puts up a fight when I simply want to hold his hand, he makes excuses not to cuddle, and when he does touch me, he often hurts me with his severe strength. I miss how Brandon touched me - it wasn't super erotic or embarrassing PDA, it was just reassuring and comfortable and constant. I took a newish guy Bert to the hot springs with me last weekend and he started touching me the same way. I liked it, but I'm not sure I am attracted enough to Bert.

So it begs the question - why am I fighting so hard for a relationship that is difficult and makes me unhappy so often? And instantly I know the answer. Sam's infectious persevering positivity through even super annoying or challenging times has inspired me, and he challenges me to be a better person. I haven't had that in so long - if ever, really. I'm always the driving force, I'm always pushing people, and maybe I liked it that someone could top my positivity and make me want to be better. But at what cost? The long-distance thing is cute to begin with, but if he's not serious, how long can I live with him being a vacation fling only? And of our vacations, I've really only thoroughly enjoyed small bits, like Scotland.

He had carried my luggage up and down the stairs for me. He had driven us around because I was too nervous about operating on the other side of the street. We had stopped at random points along the road to take pictures, and I loved that he and I both got excited over the canopy of trees and the animals and the loch. It was like we were the same person. We had our inside jokes, too, we have the same sense of humor. Maybe I've over romanticized it, but I feel like Scotland has been the time I've most enjoyed with him. Well, other than our first two dates when he was here in Dallas for the eclipse, our reason for meeting at all. I remember him kissing me after the first date and him saying, "You don't know how crazy you make me." I loved that. And I remember him holding my hand through the botanic gardens, and him commenting as we walked to my car about how other couples hadn't been holding hands. I tried to recall what I had observed to decide if I agreed with him, and I realized that I hadn't noticed people around at all - he was the center of my attention and the only person I noticed. It was like nobody else existed.

But when he came back to Dallas and I wanted to hold his hand and the like, he talked about how he had already "gotten" me so he didn't need to do all those things anymore. That's almost abusive language, isn't it? We had a fight over it. We've seemed to fight over physical touch every time we've gotten together since. And I'm fairly certain he had his arm around me at the hockey game on our second date, but never again. On the one hand, it's a stupid, shallow thing to make a fuss about when we connect on such a deep level. And on the other hand, it's everything. I'm reluctant now to book my travel - I have been saying for a while that I'd go to Australia after Christmas. But I don't feel terribly welcomed and I am not sure he even wants me anymore. Maybe this is how it ends… he'll just ignore my messages more and more until he fades into memory.