Monday, May 26, 2025

Ryan >

Dating life update time! 
 
Reeling from the conversation with Sam, in which he is so not committed, including not even sure if he would ever live with me and move in with me, even if I happened to live in Sydney, etc... I just don't know what to do with that at this point, except that I think I need to start pulling back and protecting my heart, and maybe start dating in earnest again. Of course, he's always encouraged me to date locally, especially because I like a lot of physical contact and he's really not into PDA. And, let's be honest, he's been less and less into a lot of cuddles and touching even when we're alone. 
 
Part of me, a really desperate part of me, started thinking about silly Kevin in California. My heart hurts a little bit for him because he was going through something that he couldn't (or wouldn't) talk to me about; I think he was in some sort of home, seeking serious treatment, and I wish I could have been there for him in a better way. But he also had a part in shutting me out, and I can't let myself feel at fault for that. Our last communication was a little harsh on my part but I'm not going to feel sorry for it because he was being ridiculous and he needs to own his part of the whole thing. And if he wanted to reconcile with me, he should have reached out. 
 
Still, I was reflecting during my more desperate moments, how much I enjoyed his physical affection. He was absolutely so wild and I really enjoyed it - even if it was a little over the top. What I didn't like about him was that it didn't feel like I could take him out in public anywhere, because he would be super negative and he would get a little extra when he was around my friends or when he had too much to drink. So I didn't feel like there was any good long-term social life I could have with him. Still, there's something to be said about the need to touch and be touched, in an affectionate way, and otherwise.

Enter Ryan. His profile pics were good looking, and he wasn't too young, but gave me vibes that he was maybe immature. He doesn't have a degree. He works in retail. Basically does whatever job he needs to do to pay rent. Not that that's a problem for me, it's just different than my usual type. Then again, it was exactly my type for ten years, so what am I really saying here? Different than Kevin and Sam, and Justin and Brandon... just different.
 
For our first date, I invited him, of all things, to come swing dancing with me. I was pretty much not expecting him to actually show, but I went along with the conversation to see where it would lead, and I figured, if he didn't show, I'd just dance like I would have anyways. I told him, you really needed to go to the lesson because just trying to fake it wasn't going to work. He resisted at first, but he got the message. To my surprise, he showed up. He was a little bit grungier than in his pictures, but I could see there was a really good looking guy under there. Our first date didn't feel like a date. It didn't feel like anything really. He tried outsmarting the lesson, and quickly learned that wasn't going to work. But he was a trooper through it and through the whole dance and never complained once about it being too hard or being too weird of a situation. He had had a little to drink to calm his nerves before coming, and took a break for a drink at his car. 
 
As the night went on, he moved his body physically closer and closer to me on the seat and pushed his legs up against mine. And when we were dancing towards the end of the dance, he just had that look in his eyes like he was about to kiss me. I would turn my head because that's not the right place to have kisses in my opinion, but I definitely appreciated the attention. When the dance was over, I suggested we go grab something to eat or drink, and we went to the nearby grill and bar place. 
 
I think what I absolutely loved about that night was, as we were walking from the parking lot, he quickly grabbed my hand and held it comfortably like we were old lovers. And then even more so, as we were walking into the restaurant, he put his arm around my waist and it just felt like he was magnetically attracted and attached to me. It felt so good to be touched and wanted like that from a guy that I didn't even really know! He seemed a little discouraged that I suggested he sit across from me instead of next to me, but we held hands across the table to make up for his inability to have his arms and legs wrapped around me. We had drinks and fried pickles (he made me choose) and by this time he was very drunk and a little silly, but the conversation flowed and he laughed at all my bad jokes - huge brownie points. What's more, he genuinely seemed to think I was hilarious! 
 
After closing out, we made out in the parking lot at my car. I liked kissing him. He didn't try to move too fast. He wasn't trying to get an invite or suggest we  get in the back seat or anything like that. He was just sweet and affectionate - so affectionate!

He texted me when he got home. He texted me the following day to say good morning. He was both obviously busy and yet attentive, and the perfect combination of those two. 
 
We decided to meet up next at a ramen restaurant that he recommended. He was not only early but had already put our name in for a seat and said that it was going to be a little while, so he took my hand and we walked around the adorable shopping area for a bit. And again, I just loved how moving with him felt like we were a couple that had been together forever and were still madly in love. It just felt so good, and so natural. 
 
Sitting down at the ramen restaurant, we weren't drinking and had a more sober conversation but it still flowed well and was a lot of fun. Even though we have almost nothing in common, it was really enjoyable and I could see myself having many more chats with this cute guy. He seems a lot smarter in some ways than he probably gives himself credit for, but it's those pesky kind of smarts that aren't easily translatable into academics or an easily lucrative career. It makes me think about the future of people like him, when everything in retail and labor is automated. But in the meantime, we again made out in the parking lot and I really enjoyed touching his chest. He, again, didn't try to make any moves on me beyond kissing and he just seemed really into me. 

For our third time together, I invited him over to watch movies and cuddle on the couch. I thought for sure that this would be when he would make a move and try to be more intimate with me, but to my surprise, and maybe a little disappointment, he didn't. We just had a great time sitting on the couch, watching movies. He had his arm around me pretty much the entire time and let me leave my hand on his leg, and we kissed and we talked. He wanted me to choose the movie so I put on a film that I'd been wanting to see for a while and we enjoyed it together and idly chatted about it as it played out. We took a margarita break and then he showed me one of his Gundam movies and he attempted to explain it to me. It wasn't my thing and I was honest about it, but he expressed gratitude that I tried it. Still, it felt so comfortable, like I could do this all the time with him.

Oh, so get this: He has never been on an airplane! I just cannot wrap my head around this concept. I mean, I work on airplanes for crying out loud! Not that I've ever flown in the airplanes I work on, but still, I take airplanes everywhere, all the time. I've flown - I can't even tell you how many times - and he's never flown anywhere! So I am dead set that we are going to fly somewhere. I don't care where it is. I would love to have it be somewhere fun, but like, seriously, he needs to go on an airplane with me. There's a little part of me that is both also set on him trying coach for his first flight, and also disappointed because that means I won't be able to apply first class. Maybe a short lived trauma, I just want to make sure he has a real airplane experience before I upgrade us to first class in the future. Ha, the future! With him. With Ryan. 
 
I asked him where he would want to fly to if he could have a trip anywhere. He's talked about Japan before so that's definitely on his list. But he mentioned Florida and how he wanted to go to Disney World. It suddenly occurred to me, and I immediately told him about, how I wanted to do my birthday at the Animal Kingdom Lodge with the Savannah view to see the giraffes and stuff from my room. I've wanted to do that for years, ever since I found out you could do such a thing. I already knew he really likes animals, so when I told him about the idea, he got so excited about the prospect of doing that with me. 
 
So here I am, having seen this guy three times, and planning a trip to Florida to stay at one of the more expensive resorts and doing Disney World, because I want to and because he needs to fly. Yep, I want us to do that together. 
 
I have no idea what this means for me and Sam at this point. I'm still crazy about Sam - I think. I worry sometimes that I like the exotic idea of dating him too much. I know I like the philosophical and intellectual conversations we have, and this guy is definitely not going to be doing that. But just the way that Ryan touches me and holds me, and is just so sweet and affectionate and modest, and doesn't seem to care or have a strong opinion about how we are together... I just really feel comfortable with him. 
 
Ryan reminds me a lot of Kevin in the way he physically shows his affection. There are other similarities, their disposition and general outlook on life seem similar, and a few differences, like Kevin's education and career. Yet it seems like Ryan is an upgraded version of Kevin. And he's better than Sam on the physical touch. He's closer geographically. I mean, that's definitely a huge benefit - being in the same time zone means we text throughout the day. He's also closer to me than Kevin in California, too. And of all the other guys that I've dated in Texas, this guy is just, better. I really enjoy being with him. And bonus points, he currently lives with his ex-, which means he is likely open to living with a girlfriend in the future. That shouldn't mean a lot, but it does in light of things.
 
I was going to title this blog something about Ryan being better than [fill in the blank]... and I couldn't really fill in the blank. Sam still means a lot to me, and I wouldn't say Ryan is holistically better. They're different, and that makes a comparison difficult, if not unnecessary or potentially hurtful. Right now, I don't need to choose. And there is a sense of peace I get from knowing that I have Sam in the capacity that he lets me, but that I'm also free to explore others, like Ryan. But there's something more with Ryan that I can't quite figure out how to express. So I left it as Ryan is greater than.
 
And again, it's early. I don't know what any of this means. But I'm really excited. While I've been in Florida, he's been texting me and admiring my adventures and keeping me entertained with his. I wish he could have come, especially given the airplane thing, but he couldn't make it happen with his work schedule on such short notice. But he's excited about the idea of going to Florida with me in the future and I just can't wait. It's taking a lot of my energy to resist the urge to book the whole thing right now, but I figure I should probably talk through options with him just to make sure he's comfortable with it. 
 
What I do know, though, is that every time I see him and I say good night, I just can't wait to see him again. I get a thrill through my body when he texts me. He's not sending me silly 11:11 pictures. He's texting me meaningfully. And it's been a minute since I've felt like that about someone like him.

Follow My Florida Dreamin'

There are a lot of reasons to write my blog. And there are a lot of reasons I tell myself for which I write my blog. In some cases, they may be wishes more than truths. One of the wishes is that I hope my readers will find inspiration in my ramblings; inspiration to pursue the best version of their lives. And I hope people will get enjoyment and laughter. I hope people will get insight into themselves by reflecting on what I'm going through. I document my life because I think it's interesting and funny and people used to tell me I should have a movie or sitcom about me. Most of my blog though, is truly self-serving. It's therapy for me, and I don't think anyone else actually reads it very often. But I enjoy going back and reading what happened in the past. I enjoy reflecting on who I was at the time that I wrote that and what I was thinking, what I was going through, how I thought my world would end or begin with whatever topic was on my mind. And it helps me be a little more centered and be a little bit more realistic that this too shall pass.

This post is one of the hopefully inspiring ones. I want to use my experience of absolute sheer joy, contendedness, and a snippit of living my best life to encourage people to follow their own version. Specifically, I want to inspire readers to follow the little dreams. This is not a post about the biggest, most important, exciting, wonderful thing I've ever done. This isn't a story of reckless abandon and a transformative new life. It's a story about a weekend. One that was dreamt up, thought about, planned (to an extent), and then executed. Simple as that. But the result, for me, has been a pure appreciation of life, and total and complete peace. It's little, but yet, so big. And I hope that you can find a way to translate that into your own life and do a little thing to follow your own little dream.

I decided a while back, that I wanted to eventually move back to Florida. I had lived in the panhandle - in Panama City Beach - for far too short of a time. Just a few months in, we were hit by Hurricane Michael and half the region was shut down for months; people lost some or everything. It was a very humbling experience to see both the genuine good of people and the absolute worst. I was sad that, just as it felt like we were finally rebuilding, my company decided to close that location and we had to lay off everybody that had moved there for the job and had invested so much into building the best organization I've ever had the privilege to take part in. I was absolutely devastated, and heartbroken, and it's one of the worst parts of my life that followed one of the best things in my career, which was setting up that site in the first place. Nevertheless, the panhandle wasn't really the right part of Florida for me. I always make the best of everything, but it felt more like Alabama South rather than the relaxing cultural retreat in which I'd see myself retire.

Since then I've done a lot of thinking about where I might want to end up and where I would want to retire. Living in Texas as affirmed that Texas is definitely it. I didn't realize how much I'd dislike it years ago when I thought about moving to Dallas for work to escape Connecticut, but now I know and it is what it is. The good thing about living in Fort Worth is that I still make a decent California salary but the cost of living is significantly lower, so I don't spend a lot of money. Thus, I have some money to invest, and to save, and to spend on vacations and fun stuff. So that's exactly what I'm doing. I've decided that the best way to get through the misery of living in Texas is to spend as much time as I can away from it. So if Texas isn't my forever home, then where? Living abroad intrigues me - Japan, Australia, Italy, Denmark, Costa Rica maybe. But there are also lots of challenges with leaving the US. And I just keep coming back to Florida. I love the ocean, I love the idea of being able to see launches into space, I enjoy the theme parks, and it's more achievable and financially feasible than living on the beach in California or Hawaii.

So I've been eyeing properties in Florida. Mostly empty vacant land that's buildable, with the hopes that someday I could invest and hold on to that land. And then, when I am getting closer to either moving there or retiring, I could build my dream house on that property. One of the things that's tough about buying land is that looking at it on the website really doesn't give you much context. The land listing's pictures can seem redundant; you're looking at the same wooded areas over and over. One can map out the distance to common establishments like Target or Taco Bell to get a feel for how remote a property is, or to the nearest beach. But that just becomes a distance, a number, and trying to develop a formula to tell you whether it's worth it or not has proven fruitless for me. Even with Google Street view, it's hard to get the vibe of a place.  So I decided to pick a weekend and fly out to Florida, base myself in the Orlando area and just go explore and see what I could see. I wasn't necessarily looking to actually buy property while in Florida; I primarily wanted to scope out all the different areas so that I have a better feel for what I'm looking at when I'm looking at property online.

Being a savvy traveler, and also a frequent traveler, I was able to book my hotel with points and chose the cheapest one because proximity to a specific attraction or theme park wasn't relevant to me like it would be for other visitors. The original weekend that I had booked ended up having some really bad weather, so about 2 hours before I would have to pay a cancellation fee, I made the decision to push out my travel to a later weekend. It just so happened that that was Memorial Day weekend which allowed me to extend my stay by a day.

For my land search, I was primarily concerned with four areas of Florida. I wanted to check out the St. Augustine area which is a little bit further north and on the East Coast. I wanted to look in Orlando, even though it's explicitly not near the beach, primarily because I've noticed that the housing prices are a little bit more affordable in Orlando, and the draw to the attractions could make it a good investment. And I wanted to look on the east and west coasts approximately lateral with Orlando - the Tampa/ Clearwater/ Pinellas area as well as the Space Coast and Melbourne / Cocoa Beach areas.

I rented a Jeep in case I needed to do some offroading, and each day I headed in a different direction. In hindsight, it was a pretty clever plan, but it was less intentionally thought through and more like the plan developed as I started to realize the enormity of what I was trying to accomplish.

I landed Thursday night and basically did nothing but get to my hotel and settle in. When I checked in to the hotel, I was informed that I'd have a food credit for $25 for each night I stayed. I found parking near my building and got to my room with no problem. One thing that, no matter how many trips I take, I manage to miss almost half of the time, is packing a hair brush. I have 37 small brushes at home from having to buy them while traveling, yet I still manage to pack a bag without a brush roughly every second or third trip. Thankfully, my hair is fairly easy to deal with, especially when its short but even when it's the length it is now - longer than I prefer but not long enough to donate.

So Friday morning I had to struggle with running my fingers through my hair and putting my hair up without a brush. That would be the first of a handful of silly missteps, but, hey, gotta keep things interesting, right? Then I grabbed a bagel from the hotel pantry and headed north towards St. Augustine. It would be the furthest area so I was glad to get it out of the way early in the trip. I checked out the area a little bit, just driving around, and observing. It seemed a little like Panama City Beach, but somehow a little less redneck riviera and more intellectual, somehow.  

Needing to use a restroom, I directed myself to a Publix near the beach. After taking care of the first priority, I shopped around a bit and came across a cooler bag that can be flattened which is super helpful for travel since it's not a big bulky ice chest but it will hold food cold - claiming it can keep even frozen things for up to 3 hours. Trying to stay a little on the healthy side, I got a bag of baby carrots and a couple drinks - and a hairbrush.

The Publix parking lot was marked for Publix parking online, forbidding people to park for the beach there, but since I had actually shopped at Publix, I figured it would be ok for me to take a quick walk to the beach before departing. The sun was shining and the walk was lovely. I passed by a themed motel that I enjoyed. Closer to the beach, I noted the changing rooms, public restrooms, and those standalone showers and foot washes. I left my flipflops at the end of the walkway and sauntered into the sand. I noted that the beach actually allowed for four wheel vehicles to enter and park along the back of the sandy part, for a small fee. That seems incredibly convenient, I thought. I had my bathing suit in my car but since I was wearing shorts, I went into the water up to my knees and took in the view of the ocean for the first time on this trip. Yep, I love the water here.

I walked back to my car at the Publix parking lot and debated changing into my swimsuit and going for a swim, but I reminded myself that this was going to be a long driving day and that I should really see a property or two before I goof off. So, I set my destination for the nearest property to where I was. And brushed my hair with my newly acquired hair brush on the way.

Now I got really lucky, and I absolutely fell in love with the first piece of property I saw. And that's not to say that I would fall in love with any piece of property, I've looked for land before and it took me a little while to find the property that I wanted. In this case though, I felt very confident that this was a great piece of land that I wanted. It was advertised as a corner lot which didn't really sink in until I experienced it - across the street in two directions were undevelopable land, so it was both extremely private and yet incredibly easy to access. It was a dirt road, but flat and even enough that even a car with low clearance could get through it. I also liked the proximity to St. Augustine. It was only about 20, maybe 25 minutes out of the main part of the town.

The neighbors seemed okay enough. They had basic but decent houses and yards that weren't completely trashed, which can be a rarity when you're looking at these other properties. Sometimes the streets have just absolute junkyards in front yards of the various homes along the street. I also liked that, on some of the streets to the property, you have almost a tree canopy going over the street, which to me is just very romantic. I don't know what I love about that so much but it just it takes my breath away when I see that kind of thing, and so to have that be part of my daily drive would be just absolutely amazing.

As far as the property itself, there wasn't much to do or see, except to note that it was extremely densely forested. It would need to be cleared even to camp in realistically, let alone set up an RV or manufactured home on it. But even the dense woods were strikingly beautiful. It wasn't a beachside oasis, to be sure, but so close to the beach and to a great city seems like a fair compromise for the price of the property.

I drove to three or four other properties up there, and I was thankful then for my rented Jeep because those roads were far less friendly to low clearance vehicles. I was really off-roading! And let me tell you, it was much more rocking and turning and ups and downs then a typical Disney ride! Some other properties just felt too unpassable even to get to but I got an idea and I really just wasn't as enthralled with any of them or the surrounding areas like I was that first piece of land. I reminded myself that the purpose of this trip was to explore and have a better understanding of the potential investments, but it seemed like every property I saw after the first one just reconfirmed why that first property was so good.

Since Friday was a lot of driving, I got back to the hotel and had dinner at the hotel pool bar and then called it a night. Saturday would be a little bit more interesting with not only the opportunity to go see multiple open houses, but there was also a SpaceX launch and a swing dance in Orlando that night.

Since I had some time in the morning, I decided to use today's food credit to check out the hotel's breakfast buffet. It wasn't much, and definitely not worth the price, so I got what I wanted and headed out, stopping at the pantry to load my new cooler bag up with some drinks and a bagel for later.

I headed east and checked out a couple places in the Space Coast area, making sure that I was in a good position to see the SpaceX launch when it happened. I was about 20 miles as the bird flies, by my estimation, from the launchpad, and it was a very bright day, so I could easily see the flame of the rocket but it was hard to make out the actual rocket. I could see the flame seem to turn as it crossed into the outer atmosphere. I watched the landing on the livestream on my phone. It was a good experiment because if I bought property in this area, I would know what to expect as far as visibility to the launches - and further away would then be less visibility.

As I drove south along the ocean side, I found a public beach and decided you know what, I didn't get to swim in the water in St. Augustine, today may be the day I go for a swim. So I found a place where I could park for just a couple bucks, and a changing room, and I threw my swimsuit on and I went out and just soaked in the ocean and bobbed in the waves exactly like I love to do. At that point I didn't really have much of a schedule except for Swing Dad's later that night. So it didn't really matter how long I stayed and I wasn't really stressed out about anything which is really a wonderful way of spending a Saturday afternoon. But, as happens in Florida sometimes, a cloud turned dark in the distance, and I recognized the distinct possibility it'd be raining and lightning soon. I got to my car just as my parking expired and just as the storm rolled in. Driving through the rain, I went to go see a couple more properties and then I headed back to my hotel. I had a little bit of downtime and then showered and got ready for the swing dance.

I hit my second little snafu when I got to the dance - pulling out what I thought were my dance shoes. The bag I had packed and brought with me, for some reason, had two left shoes in there. One was a dance shoe and one was a regular walking/running shoe. I thought for a moment, how could I possibly put both of these on, one on the wrong foot, and make it still work? Because I was currently wearing flip flops and that wasn't going to be a great dance experience. But then I remembered that I also had walking shoes in the car just in case I wanted to get out and walk the properties. So I ran out and got those, and at least there was a left and a right shoe. And luckily, they were not super sticky on the floor, so I could still dance sufficiently. And they weren't flip-flops.

I had a great time dancing. It's always a little awkward being a newbie because the regulars aren't sure my skill level or even if I'm friendly. But being alone helps with the latter, I think, because they know I'm not there "with" someone at least. Maybe it would be better to be with a dance partner who could show me off. But it didn't take long for someone to ask me to dance, and after a few more dances I was able to do some excellent Lindy swing outs and tricky Charleston follows. I even thought I recognized somebody from Camp Hollywood, and when he asked me to dance, I confirmed that to be the case. Between dances, I socialized with the newbies sitting on either side of me, who were just learning, and they complimented my dancing. When I danced with the lesson's teacher, I inquired if the Shim Sham was a regular thing, and she said it can definitely be requested. As is common at these socials, they took a break to do announcements, then invited me for an out-of-towner dance in which everyone not dancing stands in a circle and the leads continually "steal" me from my partner. After that, they put on the Shim Sham and I was happy to partake in that at my request.

All day Saturday, even though I was looking at different properties and doing other fun activities, I couldn't help but continue thinking about that property I'd seen Friday - the first one I had looked at. I decided to do a little bit more due diligence on both the company I'd be buying it from as well as the actual property and the county zoning and all of that. So Sunday morning, I let myself sleep in and then went to the hot tub before I showered. I had the hot tub to myself, which filled me with joy and let me focus on the task at hand. I finished doing my research on the company and on the county zoning, and decided everything checked out. With no other doubts I could think of or decision points I needed to wrestle with, I went ahead and purchased the property. Woohoo! I am now under contract for a little less than an acre 20 minutes outside of St. Augustine and I couldn't be more excited! 

I tried getting under the waterfall in the hot tub, which turned out to be an extraordinary massage with the heated water hitting my neck and back with the perfect amount of force. When the hot tub became a little too hot in the rapidly rising Florida heat, I hopped over to the pool which I also had to myself. I caught up on texts with friends and family before deciding to head in and get ready to go for the day. Even though I had now committed to a property, I still wanted to finish my full exploration.

After I finally got my butt through the shower and ready, I decided to check out the nearby Disney Celebration neighborhood before heading west. This has been a neighborhood on my radar for years, for some reason I thought all the houses there were exorbitantly expensive. But actually, I looked on Zillow and there were houses that were in reasonable price ranges and even some that were relatively cheap compared to what I'm used to in Texas. There were the multi-million dollar houses also, and I kind of wanted to see what that looked like. There were a few houses that had open houses on Sunday so I decided to at least look at them, although not necessarily go in for the open house. I had originally considered attending open houses but realized that just comes with a lot of unnecessary explaining and sales pressure, and I wasn't all that concerned with the interiors at this point anyways. Until I'm actually ready to move, I'd stick to more of just the driveby's to have a feel for the areas I could potentially consider in the future. So that's what I did. I went over to the Celebration neighborhood which was coincidentally really close to my hotel. After I saw the first house, I took a little detour on my way to the second house. I saw a little boardwalk that went into a forested area and I thought that was pretty cool looking. I parked and got out to walk it a little bit. That brought me quickly to a little pond which was very scenic and filled with wildlife -  fish jumping and making ripples, and a woodpecker in the tree by the walkway. There were several people walking and running and even biking as I was walking along and so it just seemed like a really vibrant, healthy way to get a workout in and be among nature, which is really cool. I walked a little bit further, but it just seemed like it was a really nice path and I could picture myself actually living in that neighborhood and running on that boardwalk.

There was one street on which I really enjoyed all the houses, they were all different styles and all very big. And you know, multi-million dollar, beautiful mini mansions. But I just loved all the different styles. I liked how a lot of them had a kind of archway that you would drive through to get to the garage in the back, so that takes the garage away from being the front and center part of your house. A highlight for me was, of course, the traditional and modern takes on turrets, which I just love. You know I love my turrets! I took a lot of pictures on that street, and I mean, if that isn't the dream right there I don't know what is.

I was completely struck by how the whole area felt very Disney themed without having explicit Mickey Mouses everywhere. It's kind of hard to put my finger on it, exactly, but the architecture and the motif, the art deco perhaps, it all just felt like Main Street Disneyland and a little bit like Hollywood Studios, again without being super explicit with theming. Just having that little touch, that little nuance, little textures, all the buildings had little flares of whimsy and clean old-timey throwbacks, and it was just so, so put together. I could really see how if you want to live in Florida and you have some money, why you would want to live in Celebration. It just feels like the perfect Utopian neighborhood. I was struck by the 7-Eleven as I exited the neighborhood. It was also done up like that, and I just I couldn't help myself. I needed to get gas anyways, so I stopped there to get gas and I went into the store to get some snacks. And of course they were selling Disney items and Mickey ears and all of that.

Finally, I headed west and went to the Clearwater/Tampa/Pinellas area. The traffic was much worse going this way and I'm not sure that I would like that permanently. I also didn't love the vibe there. It felt almost like Texas. I did get a chance to scope out the beach. To do so, I parked in a permit only lot, but I figured I'd only be there for a few minutes. I walked down and just got my feet in the water for a few minutes. I do love the warm, clear water of the Gulf. I remember it from living in Panama City Beach, and I could instantly recognize the appeal of the place, even if the establishments and traffic are less desirable. It's just absolutely amazing - there's nothing like it! After a few minutes on the beach, with my feet in the water, taking a couple selfies, I headed back up to my forbidden parking lot. I love how every beach I've been to seems to have a full shower and a foot wash right there as you exit. It's amazing, such a little thing and yet so helpful. I washed my feet off real quick and popped back into my Jeep to get back on the road.

What I've really liked about this trip is that I have a rough schedule - a rough aim, a destination of where I want to go, and approximately when - but other than that, I'm by myself and I'm doing whatever I want to do. I'm listening to audiobooks. I'm doing a lot of deep thinking and planning for the future, and I'm listening to music when I don't feel like I have the brain power to do anything else. I'm belting my own karaoke performances at the top of my lungs. So all this driving around isn't just wasted time. I'm actually working on stuff mentally. I'm learning. I'm thinking big picture ideas. I'm planning for the future and I'm enjoying myself. When I have to use the restroom, I stop at gas stations or fast food chains and I don't really stop to eat for very long. Although, I thought about giving myself a break from driving and sitting down to eat somewhere, but I just keep going because it's so much fun to just be on the move and check out the different areas.

My Publix cold pack bag has been very handy - I've put cold stuff in there in the morning, including my carrots which I am still trying to force myself to eat in between meals instead of the other options for snacks. I can fill it with new drinks and stuff that I'm buying at the gas stations to keep me fueled and hydrated. I stop when I want to stop and I keep going when I want to keep going and it's just been really liberating. I feel like I don't have any responsibilities. Everything is taken care of or can be taken care of with a swipe of a credit card. I'm not really spending that much money while I'm here, just gas and a handful of snacks or quick meals. The food at the hotel is free for me so stocking up there means I don't need to purchase a lot while I'm on the road. And since the hotel was free, the biggest expense really was my plane ticket. And of course, I did splurge for first class because I'm a brat like that.

I hit another storm on my way home from the west coast, but safely made it back to my hotel. The storm deterred my interest in going out somewhere fun for dinner, which was fine. I was glad that I had already toured around the Celebration neighborhood when it had still been sunny. I grabbed some food to make into dinner from the hotel pantry and basically collapsed into my bed. I finished three audio books on this trip - one which had previously been started and one which was a re-read, but still. I played on my phone, posted pictures, caught up on texts with Sam and Ryan and Darc, and then passed out.

What I want readers to get out of this is the idea that if there's something that you want to do, it doesn't have to be the traditional vacation. I'm here in Florida and a lot of people might think that I'm crazy for not just staying at the beach all day, or not going to one of the theme parks even though I proclaim that I love them. There's lots of events and things to do here, but that's not the focus that I wanted on this trip. And I think that's okay, I'm enjoying what I'm doing. Hell, it's more than okay. I'm learning. I'm getting me time - and that's something that's pretty hard for me to do typically. I usually hate driving, especially long distances or in traffic, but I'm making the most of it and it doesn't stress me out because I don't have a strict schedule. And I have an overwhelming sense that life is good.

So if you have something that you want to do, even if it seems silly or other people don't understand it, I want you to know that you can. You can make the plan. You can save up the money. You can go and do whatever that thing is. It doesn't have to be what normal people would do in a certain area and it doesn't have to be super expensive. I feel like I'm living my best life, even though I'm pretty much going from gas station to gas station. Even though I hate driving, I'm making the drive work in my favor - forcing focus and creation and decompression. If I can enjoy driving this much, then certainly you can find what makes you happy that is or is not aligned with the "norm." And follow your gut  - if you make a plan and you decide you don't want to do that thing anymore, do what you think is going to make you happiest.

Follow my lead, and do your own version of my Florida Dreamin'!



Thursday, May 8, 2025

Clever GIrl

It's no big secret that I've not had a great relationship with my Mom since childhood. I mean, look, she wasn't a drug addict or physically abusive, she didn't leave me and my sisters or anything traumatic like that. So I don't want to sound ungrateful. I've just never been close to her like other people are with their Moms. When I see those memes  that say something to the effect of, "There's no love like a mother's love," or "Nobody will ever love you like your Mom," I throw up a little in my mouth. That's just not me. And maybe there's a small part of my inner child that wishes I had that and yearns to be validated by her, but for the most part, I've done just fine as an adult without a close relationship with her. And I'm not that much closer with my Dad in terms of frequency of calls or whatnot, but my Dad understands me much better since we worked in similar fields and faced similar professional challenges and trajectories.

An illustrative example of my relationship with my parents is the time I brought my first report card home from college - I got a mix of A's, B's and C's in the 17 credit hours of courses my first semester as an engineering major. My Mom expressed her grave disappointment that I didn't get straight A's, and my Dad exclaimed, "Holy shit, you PASSED CALCULUS?!? On your FIRST TRY?!?" So yeah, that about sums it up. I can do no right in my Mom's eyes - she has decided for the last two decades that I've consistently been a raging alcoholic despite all the evidence to the contrary. When he was still quite young, she told my nephew that I was the biggest failure of her life, to which he shot back, "If Aunt Laura is a failure, I want to fail like her when I grow up." Sharp kid, that one.

Let's dissect that a little bit. My failures include being the first of their three daughters to earn an advanced degree despite being the youngest by far, consistently owning houses with a single income, getting promoted at work regularly, achieving a 6 digit income in my early 30s, and sustaining a committed relationship for 10 years. But what she sees is that I've never been married (even though my relationships last longer than most marriages), that I've decided to leave the church (which I actually brought her to in the first place), and the previously mentioned hallucinated alcoholism and real failure to earn straight A's. 

My Dad, on the other hand, seems to suffer from a lack of like-minded people to talk to, and so he spills his guts whenever an understanding ear, like mine, is around. I left a professional organization we were previously both major contributors to because the drama became too much for me, but he can't wait to fill me in on all the drama I literally tried to erase from my life. He'll ask me about work and then lecture me on all the things he thinks I don't understand, even though I understand them far better than he ever could in a lot of ways. He complains about my family, and especially my Mom. He picks fights with her that could just be left alone. It's clear she's a constant irritation to him, and yet, he probably needs that for his own amusement, since he has completely failed at retiring well and he needs something to keep his constantly turning mind occupied, and his ego inflated.

While I could go on, I've already digressed from where I want to go with this post, so I'll suffice it to say my parents can be taxing and visits from them trigger anxiety like few other things in life can. So when my Dad alerted me to plans of their desire to drive to Texas and stay a couple days with me and then visit his brother a few hours away, I wasn't exactly stoked but also figured it was obligatory so they could see my new house. And I was looking forward to seeing my Uncle because I could probably count on one hand the times I've seen him but he and my Dad are kind of hilarious together.

In preparation for their visit, I arranged for my cleaners to come the morning of my parents' arrival to maximize the cleaniness they'd experience, to minimize the criticism from my Mom. Of course, that also meant spending a good deal of time picking things up and putting things away around the house, and running the sheets through the laundry ahead of the cleaner's arrival. I also had been dragging my feet on troubleshooting some electrical issues so I used the last day of my home warranty to get an electrician out to fix it - and suffered through his mansplaining to me even though I've done a lot of electrical work in my life and I know how to stay safe and generally can do the work, this one just stumped me and I hadn't spent time working on it. The week ahead of their visit I worked extra hours Monday and Tuesday so that I could check out early on Thursday. I went grocery shopping to secure the requested bananas, as well as Diet Pepsi and vanilla ice cream which hadn't been requested but I knew would likely be ripe for criticism if found to be missing. Do you know the last time I had ice cream in my house? Hell, I don't think I've had it in this house since I moved in a year ago. But here we are, heaven forbid I don't have ice cream when my Mom wants it! I booked hotel rooms for me and my parents in the city of Kileen for our visit with my Uncle, and I made a tentative plan of things to entertain them with.

Here's what I want to get to. Despite my anxiety and general malaise towards a visit from my parents, I think I actually played it exceedingly well! My Dad likes to hear his own voice and often interrupts people (me) only to tell me a story I've heard 14 times before. Over the holiday at the end of last year, this attribute had gotten on my nerves so much that I boiled over and started pretty blatantly criticizing him for it. He even tried to tell me the same story one afternoon which had had told me that morning, and when I pointed that fact out, he was incredulous and argued with me that he couldn't have possibly said all those same things and made all those exact observations just hours before. He and my Mom are getting up there in age and there's a very real possibility that they are losing their marbles. I had also suggested that, since he had lost his way three times while I was there, maybe he should use the Google Maps app on his phone, just as a backup for when he gets confused. I got a scoff and a stern mocking in response. Ok, Dad.

Anyways, this time around, when my Dad started telling the same stories, I would tell him that yep, I remember that one. And I got a little sarcastic with him. Whenever I had a really witty comeback, two things would happen. My Mom would giggle from whatever corner she was in. It occurred to me that this is probably very therapeutic for her, since he is so critical of her constantly, and she's just never been that sharp to begin with, and is definitely not clever enough to come back at him. So me beating him in a game of wits thrilled her in a rare appreciation of me and my sense of humor. The other thing that happened was that my  Dad would initially take offense which quickly dissipated into sheer pride at how quick witted and clever his baby girl is. So by bashing my Dad, both my parents seemed much happier and much prouder of me than, like, ever. Weird. I may have gotten short with my Dad once or twice during the stay, but overall, we had somewhat productive conversations to plan our trip to Japan, decide on what to do for them to replace cable TV, and teach him some app stuff on his phone. All in all, a pretty successful visit at my place. They enjoyed going to the Stockyards and eating the Texan food I introduced them to, and they approved of the area I live in and what I've done with my house.

I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. For the 2.5 hour drive to the restaurant at which we planned to meet up with my Aunt and Uncle, and my Aunt's son and grandson, we took two cars since I would be leaving on Sunday and my parents would head back to Arizona from there on Monday. My Mom announced she'd ride with me so that we could chat, since my Dad dominates the conversation. The latter is true, but my Mom is not known to be very chatty. In fact, her lack of conversating is a point of frequent criticism from my Dad. But then, I can't say I enjoy conversing with her either, and usually anything substantial is random and uninteresting. On rare occasions, she lectures about something she knows nothing about and has no business asserting her opinions on. All of these possibilities starting running through my head as we loaded up the cars and she got in my passenger seat.

We made it about 25 minutes down the road in complete silence with the radio on. Then she started, "So, the thing I wanted to talk to you about…" and paused. All I could think is heeeeeeere we go! What is about to come out of her mouth? She then went on to talk about a concern she has for my sister, and explained this whole background information that wasn't necessary, referencing people whose names I can barely recall from the church we attended when I was 4 and younger. But of all the things I would have expected, it was definitely far less painful than what I imagined. When she finished telling me what was on her mind, I wasn't sure how to move the conversation forward. I asked her if she was seeking my advice, or if she was wanting me to have the tough love conversation she was referring to, or what she was looking for. She retorted much more quickly than her usual response time with, "No, I'm having this conversation." Alright, then what? You want my advice? My support? Just for me to know? And she didn't really have anything to say. So I went ahead and took that as an opening to give her my advice, which I did. And that was it. Silence for the remaining hour and change until we arrived at the restaurant. I survived!

We were early, so naturally, my Dad made a complete fool of himself trying to secure seats until the other party arrived. But I finally secured my first alcoholic drink since my parents' arrival, and we had a great view of the lake, and I didn't give a crap about anything anymore. My weekend obligations to my parents were almost completely fulfilled at this point, and I survived without losing my mind. Life is good!

There was plenty of drama, to be sure, including the detail I skipped earlier about the fact that my parents, using Google Maps but accidentally punching in the wrong address somehow, ended up two hours away before realizing they had gone in the wrong direction, and were therefore almost three hours late to arriving at my house. If only I hadn't taught them to use Google Maps, right? My bad. 

The funniest outtake from the weekend was on the last night in my house, my Mom had gone to bed and my Dad and I stayed up talking. We got on the topic of the plan for the following day, and I suggested we go to a very southern comfort food style restaurant for breakfast or brunch, to which my Dad was agreeable. Just to be sure, I offered other suggestions, including a donut shop that locals are obsessed with, fast food drive through, or my plant-based ramen which they had previously enjoyed. My Dad said those were all good options with the exception of donuts. They like donuts, he said, and they do splurge a little on travel, but they draw the line at donuts. They try to stay somewhat healthy while traveling, and donuts was just a bit too far out of the question. So with a plan, we headed to bed. The next morning, when my Mom got up, we told her the proposed plan and let her know the other options, including the ramen, but I didn't mention the donuts since that had been definitively shot down. She definitively shot down the ramen for breakfast, and we settled on the original suggestion of the southern restaurant. Are you ready for the punchline? We sit down and this very country place and pop open the menus. They have eggs every way you could make them, omelets, pancakes, biscuits and gravy, you name it. Right up my parents' alley! The waitress came to take our order and my Mom asked for... donuts!


But what prompted me to write about these things is that my boss, with a great memory and genuine curiosity about my strange life, had recalled that my parents visited last week and asked how that had gone. And as I reflected what details I shared with him, I realized the absolute absurdity of this accomplishment: I had kept my wits about me through the weekend by cleverly knocking my Dad down a few notches, which served as comedic therapy for my Mom and raised my Dad's admiration of me. My Mom laughing and my Dad beaming with pride at my witty comebacks and clever banter is what I've been groomed from childhood to do, and was probably too nice to use it before. But with my give-a-shit's fresh out from last year's holiday, it turns out that's actually what I should have been doing all along! 









Wednesday, May 7, 2025

Manipulated?

Sam is a good person. He is honest, down-to-earth, genuine, and trustworthy. He brushes off life's setbacks and problems, and focuses on the positives - the silver linings.

At least I think he is.

This isn't a new thought of mine, but more and more, I feel like it could be I'm being manipulated by him. I've compromised so much of what I want to get ounces and snippets from him. In many ways, I've given him the world, and he gives me so little in return. His reasoning for why he doesn't smother me with compliments and verbal affections is because he believes his actions speak louder than words ever could. So what do his actions tell me?

He texts me daily. He shows up when he says he will. He talks through things that are bothering me. He doesn't get spendy for food and drinks and luxury comforts. These are good things - they tell me I can trust him and that he is genuinely interested in this relationship with me.

But he also doesn't cuddle me as much as I'd like. He refuses to hold my hand, even though we held hands on our first day pretty much the whole day. We didn't make love the last time he was here. He procrastinated on things. None of those things individually are bad, but…

Now he doesn't want to move in with me. I'm sure I've expressed what I wanted from the start, and while he expressed a need to take it one step at a time, he never indicated he didn't want the same thing eventually. It was always, we'll see how this goes, we'll see after this next trip, we'll discuss it when I visit you next, we'll talk about it after it's been a year. And now to tell me that he is perfectly content with how things are going and he doesn't want to change anything, and acting like he is surprised I wanted anything different, it just feels like something has gone wrong somewhere.

It makes me second guess myself. Did I not explicitly tell him what I wanted? Did we not discuss what decisions would need to be made at that year mark? And, have I given up too much and let him be comfortable with getting everything he wants. Maybe I've created a monster. Or maybe he was the monster all along, slowly wearing me down until he was satisfied with his part while getting everything he wants from me.

So I did what I do when I'm struggling to understand something - I picked up a book. This one was called, "The Dark Triad," and while the narration was awful, the content was mostly good and to the point. It talks about the three major recognized dark personality types - Narcissim, Machiavellanism and psychopathy defined as such:

Narcissism:
. Individuals with high narcissism tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.

Machiavellianism:
.This trait is characterized by a manipulative, cynical, and exploitative approach to social interactions, with a focus on personal gain and a disregard for ethical considerations.

Psychopathy:
.Psychopathy involves a lack of empathy and remorse, impulsive behavior, and a tendency to engage in antisocial behaviors.

It's strange because none of these traits seem to fit him well - he self-proclaims he is intuitive about people, which seems to be a stronger degree of empathy the way he describes it. And I've seen that in action to my utter amazement! It was as we wrapped up our first date. We were sitting on the sofa in my hotel room where as I was temporarily housed for my job, and I was wrapped up in a glorious cuddle with him, facing away. And it occurred to me suddenly that he'd be gone in a few days, and that made me so sad because things were going so well. I hadn't said anything, and he couldn't see my face. Yet somehow he felt my sudden change in mood, and asked me, "What's going on? What's wrong? What are you worried about?" It was uncanny to me that he could seemingly read my mind, or at least my emotions, without any outward indicators. And of course when I told him what had crossed my mind, he responded with an abundance of positivity, including the fact that we had one more date planned before he left.

The closest of the Dark Triad might be narcissism because it does seem like he prioritizes his habits and desires over mine. But he doesn't require admiration and he doesn't lack empathy. Sadism, which is often correlated to the Dark Triad or even considered a fourth, crossed my mind several times as a possibility because he actually likes to pinch me to the point that I react to the pain, and he seems to do the same figuratively as well.

The book then goes into some of the forms of manipulation to watch out for, and many of these were common with the principles in Cialdini's Influence which I often reference: Reciprocity, Scarcity, Authority, Commitment and consistency, Liking, Consensus or social proof, Unity.  It also discusses the difference between regular and malicious manipulation, based on intent, accuracy and effect on the recipient.

This is probably where I struggle the most, because I don't think Sam is acting with a malicious intent or maybe with any intent at all. He has me believing that he's just kind of doing his thing, and its tossing my world into chaos. But if he's as empathetic and intuitive as he claims to be, he certainly would be smart enough to know exactly what effect he is having, right? Or is his blind positivity swallowing the flags of concern. The book also states that you may even lack trust in your own judgment, that your self esteem levels may have fallen and your confidence forms paranoia. This feels exactly like the experience I have in these cases.

So what principles might his alleged manipulation be falling under? Even with as familiar as I am with the principles, I can't nail one onto his actions. Maybe that's what's most puzzling of all. It's like he's asserting his routine, his way of thinking, as a given, a fact of life, and he makes me feel like I'm being crazy when I challenge it or want something different. I suppose he sometimes poses as an Authority himself, asserting that because he never gets sick, if I do something that's similar to him, he assumes I'm copying him because he's figured out how to avoid disease. He also assumed I adopted the exclamation, "Hilarious!" into my lexicon after him, even though I've told him I was saying that years ago. Perhaps his take on using Scarcity isn't to tell me "time is running out" as is the usual sales tactic, but rather, to make the things I value so scarce that I value them more - like cuddle time.  The way he procrastinates is almost like the opposite, positively assuming we have an abundance of time, and therefore there's no rush. In fact, I think he uses the opposite of all of them in some ways. Instead of being consistent with what he says, he changes the plan on the fly and does the opposite of what he said he wanted to do. Instead of using consensus or social proof, he tries to convince me that he's right and I'm not. He actually seems to hate most other people and says things that are almost paranoid about how people will judge him if, for example, he takes his shirt off at the beach; this is also counter to the Unity principle, where he is influenced by groups he perceives will judge him as the outgroup.

I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to document the clear attempts of manipulation and your own thoughts and feelings, as the book suggests. If he tries to blame me or make me feel bad, is it a consistent behavior? Is he preying on me or just asserting his own boundaries (perhaps more effectively than I do)?

Saturday, April 19, 2025

Defenses

It's been a year since Sam and I first met up in Dallas, and he's here again to visit me. We had slated this trip to be one in which we'd have a discussion about the state of our relationship. I went into it with pretty high hopes - feeling like we've had bumps and bruises but we have worked through them together and that things are better - and also an assumption he understood where I wanted our relationship to go eventually.

The talk with sort of disastrous. I mean, we remained calm and clarified things, so from that standpoint it was good. But he made it very clear that he had never seriously considered us living together as a future state of our relationship ever. In all the time I feel like we've talked about where we might live in the future and me explicitly offering to help him financially if he were to move in with me back in Tasmania in December, I couldn't believe he had no idea that that's what I wanted. I still sort of don't believe it. I mean, I trust him - I made a promise to myself a long while ago to trust his words because he does seem genuinely honest. So what does that mean then? Was he just not listening to me all those times? Or understanding me? It's ironic and would be funny if it wasn't so hurtful, that although we speak the same language, we rarely speak the same language.

He was good about asking for time to think about it and asked me where my "red line" was - which I confirmed that not living together ever would mean we'd have to end things. We agreed to make a decision on that one way or another by the end of the year. He also asked if we should wait until he's made his decision before talking about it again, or if I'd prefer to have check in discussions even if he hadn't yet made up his mind. I told him I'd prefer the check ins.

Honestly, though, I was sort of devastated. The idea that he could be happy with this arrangement and not want more had never really occurred to me - at least not when I felt reassured about our relationship. Sometimes, especially when he doesn't text me or make time for a call for me for a while, or he drops these ugly surprises on me that he's made plans that take away from my time with him, the insecurities creep in and I wonder if he's just using me for fun vacays.

After having that convo, I think it's more clear than ever that he values me in exactly the way things are. But the idea of living together or meeting his family is still years off in his mind, if ever. And I am not okay with that.

We left the discussion with the decision that he'd make up his mind this year and we'd talk. But when he asked me if I was okay I tried explaining to him that I was agreeable but not happy with that result.

There was a minor thing that happened a couple days before. We were sitting on the couch just chatting and catching up and I remembered that I wanted to show him photos and a video of the full circular rainbow I had seen from the plane coming back from Poland. I showed him and he insisted it wasn't real - that it was just an illusion caused by a blemish in the window. I insisted that no, this is definitely a phenomenon that can happen in the sky like that, rainbows are full circles, we just don't see the other half because of the horizon of the ground. But from above, you can see it. He didn't believe it and basically just insisted it wasn't real, just an illusion. I later looked it up and told him today that I confirmed it is a thing people see in the airplanes and sometimes high up on mountains, and it has a name of the phenomenon and everything. He just kind of shrugged it off, not admitting how interesting it was (even though we both usually appreciate that sort of thing) and not admitting he was wrong. Not a big deal, but then…

We were browsing stuff to watch and he suggested we watch the SNL skit about White Lotus since we had just finished the last episode of White Lotus together. I was agreeable but while he was navigating with the remote, I told him I had it on YouTube TV but he still started searching on YouTube, and then some pop up came up about having to start a free trial that would lead to a paid subscription. He claims he hit, "No thanks" but all I saw was that it went away, and I tried navigating away so that we could watch it on YouTube TV which I already had paid for and I already had SNL recorded on. He started yelling and arguing with me and made a big deal about it. I just wasn't sure and preferred to watch it the way I knew was already covered. He ended up storming off and so did I. I wasn't even really sure what we were mad about - it just felt to me like he always thinks he's right about everything - like the rainbow from the plane - and maybe THIS thing he was right about but he isn't right about everything and why does he have to yell at me and gaslight me and make me feel like I’m wrong all the time?

We got in a little exchange earlier today, too. He wakes up so much later than me, which is fine, but then he has to have his cereal even we planned to go get breakfast, which we did for today - we were planning to go to the Biscuit Bar. But it was pretty rainy this morning so I suggested maybe we didn't go out and then he wanted to sit and watch something so I had suggested the White Lotus season finale since he had wanted to watch that together. He agreed and we put it on, but half way through he started getting antsy because the sun had come out. He decided he wanted to go do his walk then, and because I had a migraine, he told me to rest, even though I had told him multiple times that napping or going back to bed doesn't actually help the migraine at all. It was irritating for a few reasons to me, for one, I don't like being told what to do, especially something that isn't helpful. But also, with the sun coming out, I was thinking that would be a great time to go to the Biscuit Bar at the Stockyards, where he would get some steps anyways. I don't mind that he wants to do these walks on his own, that's sort of his thing, but they're usually later in the evening when I'm sort of tuckered out and don't want to do much anyways. Here I was, sitting around all morning, waiting for him to be ready to go and for the rain to stop, and he was suggesting leaving me to do nothing for an hour or more. I decided to tell him my thoughts, and once again, we had one of those exchanges, I don't think I'd call them fights, but we go back and forth because I don't feel like he understands me and it's like he's giving me the answer based on his understanding. He sometimes interrupts me or badgers me when I'm trying to think of how to respond without being crazy emotional or whatever. But that just makes it worse because he fills the air with all his words and why he's right and doesn't give me the space I need to say my piece. After I finally got to explain to him my feelings, he agreed we should get ready and go to the Biscuit Bar instead. Then I just felt like a pouty child who cries until she gets her way. That's not my intention and I certainly don’t want to come off like that. I think part of it is that I like having a plan and following the plan, even with some flexibility for circumstances. But when the plan changes without my consent, that unnerves me. It throws me into a spiral.

It's so strange to me that we keep having these exchanges because he also likes to say how chill of a guy he is. But this is not chill. The TV blow up thing was definitely not chill. He always encourages me to talk through things when I'm unhappy, but then he doesn't seem to listen fully, he gets defensive and explains why he's right and all that, instead of just letting me explain what's upsetting me and collaborating with me to come up with a compromise. It usually ends with his way or my way, to be fair I often get my way, but it's not because I'm right or because I make it too hard for him to disagree, it's like he just gives in but makes me feel like shit about it.

I don't know. I feel like today, I've had my guard up a little. Like, I'm more keen to key off of the things that are bad about him and our relationship. I feel like I'm mentally and emotionally trying to sever my feelings for him because I'm now afraid in a way that I wasn't before. I'm afraid that he's going to say he doesn't want to live with me or to love me or to marry me or to be my boyfriend. He's going to decide that and I will have no option but to break up with him because I clearly am not satisfied with the way things are. I want my happily ever after and I'm willing to pay a lot for that, but it needs to be with us living on the same side of the planet.

And obviously, fighting him internally and externally isn't going to help him decide he wants to be with me every day. Am I sabotaging the relationship so that I can have control of how it ends? Or have I been minimizing these obvious problems we have because I wanted to believe in a future with him?

He started this analogy a few days ago about how owning cats teaches you consent because cats don't follow commands, whereas dog owners must be controlling and that's why they own dogs. But it seems to me like he treats me - with all due respect to myself - like a dog. That is, he tells me what to do and if I don't do it, he tries to coax me into it, like a dog owner might do using a treat as incentive to comply. Whereas I feel like I treat him more like a cat, he wants to go do his own thing, I let him, he wants to not be touched, I let him, he wants to put his feet on my lap instead of holding me, I let him. I don't like it, but he defines the amount of time we spend together and the amount of touching I'm allowed. So aren't I the cat owner and he the dog owner?

I shared my concerns with him, about how he's very critical of me, and about how I couldn't reconcile our past conversations with him not understanding that living together was a future must for me. He did that weird thing where he reassured me that he had, in fact, understood that, but explained it away. It was something about how he didn't realize the timeline - the future is a future problem so why think about it now? I guess is what I took away from his perspective.

So I don't really know where that leaves me. I was very unhappy initially, and considering ending things before he has a chance to break my heart. But I did the mental gymnastics to help me grateful for what I have - a person who wants to spend time with me and message me, and is willing to also let me date other people. Ending things doesn't really benefit me in any way except to satisfy whatever toxic trait wants me to control the way the relationship ends. So I can allow it to continue while exploring other options, as I desire. And truthfully, I don't really want to explore other options. I want to have my relationship assured so that I can focus my mental energy on improving myself and my life - working on my book, taking college courses, exercising and eating healthy. If I were to break up with him, then my mind would wander to the "what ifs" and I'd be stewing over him not fighting even for me. I'd then go back to spending time and emotional and mental energy on dating again. It just isn't what I want. So I guess, for now, I'm accepting the lesser of the two evils - a non-committed partner who is great in a lot of ways, but doesn't give me everything I need, and the option to spend my time pursuing others or doing "me" things. And I have a partner to share my fun travel adventures with, for now. Onto Hawaii in June!



Sunday, February 9, 2025

Sleep Apnea, Vegetable-based Ramen and the Milan Diet

Today I want to share some thoughts and reflections about my health. Weight has been an issue for me dating all the way back to high school - I yearn to be as skinny as I was then, even as I recall feeling fat compared to my peers at the time. But the major weight gain happened in a couple of waves.

My first year in college, I had a meal pass to school buffet, which meant I could eat multiple slices of pizza every day - and that is exactly what I did! Freshman 15? More like the freshman 40. I put on a lot of weight quickly while indulging. I'm sure weekend drinking didn't help, and the food I ate when I was hungover was just as bad. My period cramps
got really bad, and so while I wasn't sexually active, I decided to go on birth control. The problem was that I couldn't swallow pills - even the tiniest birth control pill. So I did the 12-week injection instead. I was fine with the shot and the soreness that came with it, and it solved my period problems. Wonderful, right? Well, not exactly. The drug was known to cause depression and even suicidal thoughts, as well as significant weight gain. I do think I may have been a little depressed, which naturally turned into eating my emotions. I gained a lot of weight in a very short period of time.

During that time, I had another issue and had to
swallow a pill for it. After years of getting advice from others and trying to practice swallowing pills, I figured out a method that worked for me. While the advice I got was usually, "Just don't think about it," what I learned was that I actually had to consciously think about it. My gag reflex would react to the foreign object if I pretended I was just drinking water, so I had to convince myself that I know what I'm doing and I needed to swallow this thing. But that wasn't all. I had to shove the pill into the back of my throat, almost choking on it, and then I threw back about a gallon of water, almost drowning myself until the pill went down. Dramatic, right? And it made a mess; I'd throw back so much water at once, basically flooding myself, that I'd spill a lot of water. But, the pill went down.

Learning that I could kind of swallow pills, I decided to switch my birth control method to the pill. Practice makes perfect, and over time I got better at swallowing without having to choke and drown myself. Although from time to time I still gag or a pill won't go down, and I definitely cannot swallow pills without water. Regardless, problem solved, right? Getting off the thing that caused weight gain (and maybe depressing leading to emotional eating) would allow me to lose weight, right?

Of course it wasn't that easy. Eating like I normally did, I still gained weight. I got into kenpo, started dancing again, started running again, but still gaining or at best staying flat. I tried various diets, Atkins and the like. As so many others, I'd see an initial drop and then it would lose its effectivity, and I'd gain the weight back and then some. And so the yo-yo dieting continued for years and years. I eventually became convinced that my metabolism was broken from all the dieting, and did the metabolism reset diet. I lost 12 pounds which is great, and I do think it "reset' my metabolism to an extent, but without constant maintenance it feels like it slipped back to being broken. I could eat well all week and have two slices of pizza and gain 5 pounds overnight. And that wasn't temporary, that became my new normal and I had to slowly work that off. I'd lose 2 of those pounds and then have another cheat meat and gain another 5. It was maddening. All that hard work to lose a couple pounds and one indulgence caused me to gain double.

In health, all things are connected. When I started running again, I also started coughing at night. It got so bad I finally went to the doctor three days before a race. I did a breathing test and was informed that I was using 25% of my lung capacity. I had asthma. I got an inhaler and was warned that the inhaler's positive effects would take many days to totally work, but I took it when I needed it. I ran my race but it was terrible because I felt personally defeated by having labeled my condition. The diagnosis of asthma seemed to change my identity as a runner to a sick person. I finished the race and had class afterwards, and I'll never forget that class because I sat in the back and hacked through it. But the damage was done. How could I lose weight running if I'm an asthmatic?

I gave it up for a while and sought out other activities. But walking, for one, was never as satisfying or beneficial. I have never been a speed walker, and in fact, I walk slower than anyone I know who isn't slowed by old age. I can tell myself to speed up, and I will a little, but not for long and not that much faster. I would joke that I have two speeds, running and ambling. So I'd get back into running for a time, and then stop, yo-yoing my running as I was my diets.

Then I read a book, "Rest," which really stuck with me. It talked about how active, rigorous exercise was actually good for being productive and creative in our work, among other things. I decided my half-ass running a half mile was insufficient, and I aimed to run a 5k, or 3.1, miles multiple times a week. I knew I had to work myself up to that, but to my surprise, my progress went faster than I expected, and I was regularly running 3.1 to 3.7 miles every day. This was when I was living in San Diego during the pandemic, so I got to run through Balboa Park and breathe in the ocean air from the nearby beach. My "wall" was around 1.5 to 2 miles, but once I pushed through that, I'd get a runner's high and didn't want to stop running most days. The only reason I stopped was because I knew I had to get to work. It felt great! I was losing weight and felt like I was getting stronger. One morning, just before leaving for a weekend in Yosemite, I went for my morning run. But within .4 miles, my hip started hurting. I had disciplined myself to push through the various aches and pains I sometimes felt while running. But this pain was different and persistent. I got to the point of tears and decided I had to take it seriously and stop running. I stretched and walked for a bit, trying to shake it off, but the moment I tried running again, there it was. I did a total of about 2 miles, mostly walking, before calling it quits. Later, I researched the issue and it seemed like it was related to being overweight and putting too much pressure and overuse on the joint. Once again, I felt defeated. Here I was trying to lose weight and really pushing myself, and my body just wouldn't have it.

With Ozempic and related treatments being all the rage, I looked into them on my own. Everything I've read indicates that they work by suppressing appetites. I had gotten to the point in recent years where I feel like I can control my portions and my appetite. I'm not a late-night snacker (usually, anyways), I don't obsess over sweets, and I've learned to cut my carbs. I can eat healthy, but I can't lose weight. It doesn't appear to me to be an appetite problem. In fact, I worry that I eat so little on a regular basis, if I suppressed my appetite, my body would go into starvation mode. The problem, I continued to feel, is still my metabolism. But I HATED the metabolism reset diet and couldn't get myself to do that again. I'd been considering buying a Lumen for a long time, which is supposed to tell you what your metabolism is doing and when to eat what. 


After a lot of consideration, I decided to pull the trigger on it, and it was interesting but didn't inform me very much. Virtually every day it told me it was a low carb day, with a handful of medium carb days sprinkled in, based on the fact that my body wasn't burning fat. Well no crap! I also found it super challenging to even do the breathing the Lumen wanted. It has you breathe in for 10 seconds, which was fine, then hold your breath, which was fine, then exhale for 10 seconds while it counted down. I struggled to make it to 2 seconds remaining, and often would run out of air by 3 or 4 seconds remaining. This meant that my reading was incomplete and I'd have to do it again, which was exhausting.

Separately, I had seen a couple documentaries and am convinced that the production of food how we're doing it now is unsustainable and bad for us. While our ancestors and people living in Blue Zones might consume meat once a week, we were largely using meat as the center of every meal. Raising enough livestock to keep feeding the world in this way meant more and more forests were chopped down to grow the grains and foods needed just to feed our meat animals. And the idea that protein only comes from meat and can't be found in plants somehow is accepted but untrue. Where do the animals get the protein, anyways? One of my long-time-ago ex's was really into sustainability and explained to me that he tried to eat more chicken than beef since the amount of water and food needed to raise one pound of chicken meat was substantially less than one pound of beef, which made sense to me. So I tried to keep that in mind to craft my intake towards poultry instead of beef.

Sam has a philosophical aversion to eating anything that comes from a pig, which has been a difficult consideration in practice for me. He has never asked me not to eat pig in front of him or anything like that, but knowing he doesn't like it means I'm not going to order it for us. It turns out, I eat a lot of pig! Bacon and sausage for luxurious breakfasts, pepperoni on my pizza, salami in my sandwiches, barbecue pulled pork for a Texas dinner. In addition to never eating pig meat, Sam also tried to minimize how much other meat and poultry he ate. His influence paired with my understanding of the sustainability of our food chain has made me again reconsider my preference for meat. An ad on facebook about a plant-based instant ramen that was high in protein intrigued me, and I ordered a sampler on Amazon. For the most part, it was somewhere between good and bland. But adding a heap of garlic chili sauce made it addicting! I started eating it once (and sometimes twice) a day, and suddenly, I started losing weight with minimal exercise and no other change to my habits. The warm broth and feeling of satiation, paired with the weight loss results, made me an addict to something completely plant-based.(Not that I'm selling anything, but the brand is Immi if you're interested.)

Another fun dieting "trick" I had picked up from a long-ago-ex was "the pickle diet." The premise being that pickles are tasty, filling and relatively low in calories. Snacking on pickles instead of, say, chips, or eating a pickle before a meal, would help get that full, satiated feeling with fewer calories. While unproven, there is also a notion that pickles and pickle juice help athletic recovery from sore and stiff muscles - something I feel I can attest to. Often when I go out dancing, I drink some water but clearly not enough, because despite not having an ounce of alcohol, I wake up the next morning feeling depleted and hung over. Pickle juice, I've found, has helped that, as well as just chugging water for the entire following day.

Somewhere along the line I developed a snoring problem. My family pointed it out to me but it always felt like a judgey, lecturing way. I didn't want to hear it. The connection to not getting good sleep and not being able to lose weight was not yet apparent to me and I dismissed it as nonsense. I knew I was overweight - I ate too much and moved too little. Calories in, calories out, right? It got so bad on our family Christmas vacation in Hawaii that nobody would sleep in the same room as me and everyone was going to extraordinary lengths to get away from me. I was annoyed at my family - how bad could it be, really? I had slept with a snoring boyfriend and eventually just got used to it. They could do the same.

It was Sam who really reframed my thinking on this. He wasn't judgmental or condescending, but curious. The problem wasn't just that I snored, but that I wasn't getting sufficient rest. So, I'd fall asleep during the day. He caught me sleeping in the car in Scotland while he was driving. He noticed me nodding off during the Taylor Swift concert at Wembly Stadium. I was apparently quite the spectacle when I was snoring on the bus coming back from Stonehenge. He got a kick out of me sleeping in the rowdy crowd at a soccer match near Richmond. And most shocking to me was when I passed out on the boat part of the London tour, because I love boats!

I was also sleepy at home. It wasn't frequent but I would fall asleep in front of the TV. The most disturbing though was that I'd start nodding off in the car on my morning commute. Just a couple hours after waking, the 15 minute commute would lull me to sleep and I had to fight with myself to keep my eyes open. It was worst at red lights, and once I got honked at for not being alert when the light changed. Often, I'd be so groggy and exhausted by the time I reached my office parking lot that I'd park and allow myself a power nap that would last 20 or 30 minutes.

I knew the jig was up. I had to see a doctor and get my diagnosis which I knew from what people told me would likely be sleep apnea and I'd have to get a CPAP and that would suck. I was not looking forward to it. My Mom had had a CPAP and she ended up stopping her usage because it was too annoying to her and my Dad. I was determined that if that's what I had to do, I would get it my all. I first had to get a referral from a general doctor. So I went in to see her.

Besides daytime sleepiness and nighttime snoring, not being able to lose weight, being asthmatic and having year-round allergies, there was still another issue I had. My ability to regulate my emotions, or more correctly, my physiological responses that looked like emotions, aka crying, seemed to have greatly diminished. I'm not saying I never cried when I was younger, many boyfriends had been frustrated with me when we'd fight and I'd cry. I think it started with anger issues when I was a child and I learned that I could not unleash my fury so I bottled it up inside and that became tears. When I was mad, I didn't get violent or yell, I'd cry. Even when other people were mad, I'd cry. That was true for years. But it had gotten so bad that the littlest thing could set me off - good or bad. I'd get a compliment from my boss and I'd cry. Sam would pinch me a little too hard and I'd cry. I'd see stranger propose at the Taylor Swift concert and I'd cry.

So when I talked to my doctor, she connected a lot of the dots for me. My symptoms sounded like I had sleep apnea. Of course I wasn't losing weight: I had no energy to work out, no willpower to eat the right things, and my body wasn't metabolizing like it should in deep sleep at night. Having felt heard and relieved it wasn't "my fault", I started to cry. And she asked what was wrong and I said, well, this sucks too. I can't control my tears. And she told me, interestingly, that assuming I had sleep apnea, that meant my body was in a constant fight or flight state and never recovered from that. So little triggers could cause crazy emotional responses. That made sense to me. I asked her if I'd have to get a CPAP and she said likely yes, but reassured me that people who use it regularly say it's life changing.

It's actually a little crazy how all these conditions are connected. My asthma, allergies and presumed sleep apnea are all conditions caused by, or contributed to, and made more likely by being overweight. But losing the weight is made difficult (to impossible) by having asthma and sleep apnea. A death spiral that started with overeating and weight-inducing medications that cannot seem to be reversed. I had to get to the root of it. If better quality sleep will help me to have more energy and better emotions and potentially improve my metabolism, then I had to address the sleep problem.

Completely full of conviction now, I went to my sleep doctor and told him my symptoms. He agreed it was likely sleep apnea and checked the size of my throat hole or whatever. He showed me a chart with 6 shapes of throat holes and said mine was the tightest of them all, which made me physically prone to sleep apnea. He'd have to do a sleep study to confirm, but he was pretty confident. I had the option of doing an at-home study or in-clinic study. The at-home study was lighter, had fewer diagnostics, and sometimes could be inconclusive which would result in the need to do the in-clinic study anyways. I wanted the full gambit. I wanted to be as close to 100% sure as we could be. I wanted to give my doctor all the information possible so he could get this right. If it was sleep apnea or something else, I wanted to know and get the treatment I needed.

I found the sleep study a little hilarious. To be fair, it was quite comfortable, I had my own room with an attached bathroom, which I was grateful for because I tended to have to use the bathroom multiple times at night - another symptom apparently of sleep apnea - the body doesn't turn off the mechanism causing you to have to pee. But being connected to a million sensors meant that when I had to use the bathroom, I'd have to signal my nurse to disconnect me. Instead of disconnecting all the individual things, they plugged into a master machine and she would disconnect that and hang it around my neck while I did my thing, and then reconnect me when I was done.
The goop in my hair and the suction marks on my body were funny to me, as was the way I looked when I was all connected up. When I was up for another bathroom break early in the morning, my nurse informed me that it was close enough time to the end of the sleep study anyways, so after using the bathroom, we could take the things off and I could get dressed to go home. As she was disconnecting me, I was concerned that my discomfort had prevented me from sleeping enough and asked her if they had gotten sufficient data. "Oooooh yeaaaah," she said, snorting a little, "we got LOTS of good readings on you." I thought that was a little funny even though I wasn't quite sure what it meant.

When I got my results back, they were absolutely stunning. Most notably, I had 98 "events" per hour. PER HOUR! That meant that 98 times per hour, I would choke or stop breathing. Fight or flight indeed. When I talked to my doctor about the results, he was concerned that the CPAP wouldn't be enough, and I might have to move to a bi-PAP which is more intense. But he said we should start with the CPAP and he assured me that even if it wasn't enough, it would still help greatly. But it would take a couple weeks, and I was nearing my trip to Milan for two weeks. So the CPAP would have to wait.


Knowing that it was very easy to gain weight on a business trip, I had bought a travel scale with me to monitor my weight for the two weeks in Italy. I knew I'd be tempted with all the pasta and pizza to overindulge in carbs, and so much as looking at pizza caused me to gain weight, so I wanted to give myself real-time feedback. To my surprise, however, while I gorged on the hotel breakfast buffet, polished whole individual pizzas at lunch, and ate a full meal of pasta or similar for dinner, I lost weight every day. I missed my plant-based ramen a little bit, but I was eating so good and so well in Italy, and losing weight, so I didn't mind too much.

My asthma, however,  was aggravated by the smog of Milan, the second hand smoke on campus at my work site, and probably the cold weather to an extent. I was using my inhaler multiple times per day but it got worse and worse. I knew from recent experience with something similar, and having been seen by a doctor back then, that as long as I didn't have a fever, I could rest assured I wasn't sick. But my asthma would need to be treated with something more intense than an inhaler.



I picked up my CPAP when I was back home, and didn't have time between returning and leaving for Tucson and then to Australia to see a doctor about a more intense treatment for my asthma. So I hacked through my holiday in Tucson with my family and in the ICU where my sister was beating the odds in her own medical issues. When I got to Tasmania, Sam told me what I could already sense, that the ocean air on our beach in Howrah was some of the cleanest air in the world. He
walked me through a breathing exercise which I felt was unnecessary, but I liked that he cared so much. I gulped in all the fresh ocean air I could while I was there, and I could tell my aggravated asthma was subsiding a little every day. We went north for a two day mini trip, and the mountain air up there was equally refreshing. Even in Sydney, walking out to Darling Harbor, I felt like my breathing was improving day over day.

I have been religious about using and maintaining my CPAP. I got the distilled water needed and changed it daily, I sanitized the tubes with apple vinegar, I got baby wipes and wiped down my mask every day. I had to use it for a minimum of 4 hours every night. The average didn't matter, so even if I used it 6 hours one night, I still had to use it for at least 4 hours the next. So I tracked my usage and made sure I got my 4 hours. The app had instant feedback and the results were telling and felt very accurate to what I could remember. That is, when I was struggling with my mask fit, the app would say I needed to correct it, and when I felt like my mask was good, the app would confirm.

But the most shocking result was that the events were now in the single digits per hour, around 5 typically. From 98 events per hour down to 5 is a 1960% improvement! Almost instantaneously, too, I had stopped dozing off during the day. It was no longer a struggle to stay awake in the car. And, I was still losing weight even after returning from Milan. I also feel less stuffed up from allergies, which could be seasonal but I suspect the humidifier effect on the CPAP is contributing at least.

Over the course of a several weeks, I felt healthier and healthier. I still puff on my asthma inhaler before dancing, but I no longer felt as winded or in need of another inhaler puff after dances. One night, I was waiting for my inhaler refill to come in but went dancing anyways. I was sure my current inhaler was completely out of dosage, but I sucked on whatever fumes I could grasp. And I didn't cough at all that night, despite not having a real dosage of inhaler. I am feeling healthier now than I have in a long time. I feel happier, too, and have emoted less. I've felt more in control of my tears and my ability to get things done. It has been quite a change. I'm not sure I'm ready to call it "life changing," but I can see how all these things are connected and relieved that I am working on the root of the issue, or at least one major contributor.

Recently, however, my weight has started to tick up again even though I'm doing the same things - eating my plant-based ramen, dancing, eating salads or lean meals when I'm not eating my ramen, drinking my water, etc. As such, I renewed my subscription for Lumen and am trying to use it more to figure out what's going on and what I need. To my surprise, I have been finding it easier to make it through the breath recording - I can now exhale all the way to 10 where I wasn't able to do that before. Something has improved, even if my weight is waffling.

I recently listened to "The Dorito Effect" which confirmed what I kind of suspected - the processed food wasn't as good for us as the food in, say, Milan, which wasn't packed with preservatives and artificial flavoring. I really do think there is something to that. The book also talks about how the "good" food has been "dumbed down" and made to taste worse and carry less nutrients - chicken, tomatoes, lettuce, for example. Chicken used to taste good on its own apparently, but the way commercial farms feed them to get fatter quicker is causing a loss of the taste and nutritional value, leading to use not only getting less out of the chicken itself but also having to smother it in sauces to make it taste good. It makes me just want to get a piece of land, raise my own chickens, grow my own crops and make my own sourdough at home. That sounds like a lot of work, but my goodness, this feels like a bad situation, doesn't it? What else are we to do?

Well for now, I'm looking forward to a full month in Milan, knowing that I was losing weight while gorging my appetite there. In the meantime and after that trip, I will have to focus back on eating pickles and plant-based ramen and other good things and drinking more water, getting the sleep I need, dancing and exercising, and so on and so forth…. and the health journey continues.

Oh yeah, and here's a vid of my dance group performing last night!