Seventy-Two Dollars

 Seventy-two dollars. 
He told me he was completely broke, overextended his finances for my Christmas presents in an attempt to "buy my love." What he didn't tell me was how much he was spending on OnlyFans. You guessed it, $72 in the last month, at least. Could have been more, I stopped looking at a point. It's not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things (and that's probably how OnlyFans gets ya, right? $15 here, $5 there...) but if you're completely broke, it's the difference between having gas money to make it to your mom's place and having to ask for money or steal in order to get there. Yes, he tried to charge our shared credit card for gas immediately after we broke up, even though I told him I was turning it off. I guess he thought he could get one more squeeze out of me. Disgusting. He was throwing his money at mostly naked girls online instead of (a) looking for a job, (b) working on our relationship, (c) working on himself, or (d) literally anything else. We have Hulu, Amazon, Disney+, HBO Max, Apple TV, YouTube Red and cable TV, but he needed the boobies. 

Look, I'm not here to turn anyone against him. The boy needs help, he's admitted that himself. But no therapist is going to suffice if he can't stop lying about what really went down, to others, and to himself. He has done such difficult mental gymnastics in order to re-remember the past, such that he's the victim and I'm the villain, it's honestly frightening.

Let's take a more neutral, but memorable issue: college. When I first met him at 23, he was "in college." But he never went to classes or talked about them. When I asked that fall semester what he was studying, he had "forgotten" to register. When I asked again in the spring, he had forgotten again. I think I had a pretty candid conversation with him at this point, that he can't really consider himself a student if he doesn't even register for school or go to class. I told him it's ok not to have a degree, but if you want the degree, you have to, you know, enroll in school. He affirmed he wanted the degree, and I told him I could help him select classes, plan his schedule, whatever he needed. In the fall, I waited to ask to see what he would do, and just before the registration deadline I inquired again. I wasn't used to his pattern even still, I thought this time would be different. But it wasn't. Since there was still time, he attempted to register but there was an issue with funding. Spring rolled around and I'm at the point where I'm nagging, because I want him to do the thing he said he wanted to do. He successfully enrolled in - one - class. The next semester, two. I then asked to see his full curriculum, how he was going to finish his two year degree he'd been working on for seven years, and he couldn't provide it. I asked for an expected graduation date, and he had no idea. I told him he should probably figure that out, and he scheduled a meeting with a guidance counselor. He came back and proclaimed he had two classes left. Hoorah! He worked hard in some of his classes and really enjoyed them. But he didn't graduate. Apparently his counselor had lied to him. Seems odd, but okay. Let me help! I'm great at this stuff and I love it! I have two degrees, I know how to do this. Nope. He'll figure it out. Another single-class semester. I told him, look, I want to start planning fun vacations, but if i don't know when you're going to graduate, it feels like I'll never be able to take you on a vacation in the spring or fall, which is very limiting. I don't want to be retiring when you're graduating. Finish school! Let me help! Then we found out my company was relocating to CT, and we had the option to go or find a new job for me. We mutually agreed to give it a go, and I told him I would help him financially since it was my job doing this. He claimed he had two more classes left to finish his degree and I told him he could stay back in AZ to complete those if he wanted, then join me in CT. Or, he could look at schools in CT to finish. He decided he wanted to become a massage therapist, so we went to a massage school to see what that was all about - did a whole info session at the school. He never pursued it after that and we moved to CT. I eventually had to stop worrying about his education and career ambitions for my own mental health, because it was too infuriating and draining on my part to see him not put in half the effort I was investing in his dreams. 

Just six months ago or so, he brought up this time in our relationship and said I had demanded he quit school so we could vacation. Not only did he misinterpret the vacation conversation we had, but he had conveniently forgotten all the times I tried to help him, all the semesters he "forgot" to register or secure funding, and the fact that we looked at options for him before moving to CT. All of that was sacrificed at the alter of convincing himself it was my fault he never graduated college. 

He does this with everything! Friday night he was picking up around the kitchen. I saw him pick up my jacket, stick his hands in my pocket where I keep my car key and my chapstick, and he even made a comment about how my pockets were weird. Then he hung my jacket up. Saturday I went to look for my key and couldn't find it, and realized the chapstick was missing too. I found my key in my purse, which I hadn't used all week, and when I asked Jaiman what he had done with my chapstick when he moved my key to my purse, he said, "I don't know. I didn't touch them." I pushed, "You didn't pull them out of my pockets when you were hanging up my jacket? I saw you with your hands in my pocket and you commented on how weird the pocket was." "Nope, didn't touch your things, LAURA." Now it was escalating. I wasn't even mad he moved my things, I just wanted to retrieve my chapstick. "Then how did my key get into my purse?" "I don't know, it wasn't me, I didn't put it there." "Right, magic," I said, then finding my chapstick, I left. Why lie about THAT? Simple, he takes no accountability, everything happens to him, he couldn't possible do anything in his own life. 

The boy has problems. He has a Fixed Mindset so engrained, he doesn't even realize how much he's hurting himself and those around him. Last year, I was so fed up I made an ultimatum with him, he needed to repair our relationship by reflecting in his fixed mindset and working on it. To do so, I asked him, and he agreed, to read a book I selected after researching dozens, to make sure it was the best book, and he was to do the exercises, which I printed out for him, and report back to me what he thought and learned as he went through the book. I told him I wasn't going to nag him, I wanted him to initiate the conversation when he was ready to talk. He never initiated a conversation, and I finally brought it up and he had gone through the first chapter or two and some of the exercises and then stopped. His reflections were weak at best, completely ignoring the elephant I could see. The only way out is to stop lying but it is so engrained in him now and I don't know how anyone will get through to him
 If he gets called out, then he quits. 

Ask him about learning Python. He expressed interest, I set us up with a class to learn together, he didn't understand it so I told him to practice during the week and then we could work on it again the next weekend. When I asked him, he forgot. It's too hard. He doesn't learn that way. 

Ask him about becoming a pilot, or an aircraft mechanic, or starting a food blog for NYC, or opening his own recording studio, or editing my audio book to help me publish it, or any other whim he's expressed interest in. When it requires effort, he gives up or forgets. I encouraged him recently, after he took down a light in our bathroom on his own, saying I was proud of him. He brought up becoming an electrician and I said yeah, they make great money and don't require a degree, you could definitely do that. He said it would be hard, and I tried to continue to encourage him, "I don't think it's that hard, it just takes time and effort to learn." Even after all these years of repeated patterns, his response still caught me by surprise, "Well most things are hard, so." And that was that, becoming an electrian was off the table because most things are hard. He was right and I was wrong. 

$72 makes sense, though, because I've also noticed in recent years that he tries to solve problems with money. This may be a little my fault, as I've been able to support him and life does get a little easier when you're not worried about paying bills or being able to eat. The problem is that he tries to solves things with just money. He wanted to get into shape, so he bought a kettlebell. Never picked it up. He wanted to cook healthier meal so he bought a cook book, but never opened it. More recently, he all but insisted I buy him one of those giant home gym pieces of equipment. But he never once thought to swim in our pool, go for a run, or even lift weights with me or by himself. He acts like I'm nagging him to finish his chores when I want to swing dance for practice and exercise. Money can make life more comfortable and easy, and he's had it easiest of all - no rent, no utilities, no food bills. But he's more and more unhappy, probably in part because he hasn't had to earn any of that privilege. Money is expendable to him because he doesn't need it to cover his basics. So when things aren't going his way, he thinks he can spend his way to happiness.