Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Midget Saga - Part 2

It was St. Patrick's Day, and I showed up to kenpo.  The Midget informed me that he was Irish, like a leprechaun.  
Eager Beaver had played a cruel trick on me, known as the Naked Man.  I didn't know what it was called until years later when I met a sexy ballet dancer at a club, and he told me about it.  He laughed when I told him I had fallen for it with a previous guy.  The Naked Man essentially works like this: the guy appears to you suddenly, completely naked, and it makes you feel so bad for him that you give in.  Regardless, the Naked Man worked on me, and I was now involved with Eager Beaver.  I wasn't his girlfriend, I made that clear.  I was using him, and he didn't seem to mind.  It was an awkward routine, because The Midget was Eager Beaver's ride, so The Midget came on every date, every double date, and every time I just wanted to hang out.  One time, I asked if The Midget could not come, and Eager Beaver informed me that I made him cry.  
I made The Midget cry.  
Ah well.  

Having the Midget around was a very odd thing. He was socially a bit awkward, although surprisingly not as bad as Eager Beaver. It was awful, though, when the Midget tried to force himself upon me. Literally, he'd get up on the couch and leap at me, trying to plant his face into motorboating position on my chest, even if temporarily. Words cannot describe the images that haunt me to this day, the Midget flying at me like a crazed bat, or a flying squirrel perhaps.

On St. Patrick's Day, we had kenpo, and the Midget saw it necessary to inform me that he was Irish. Like a leprechaun. I'm telling you, I can't make this stuff up!

Eager Beaver started getting on my nerves. He was useless and idiotic enough, and his attachment to the Midget made it all the worse. I told Eager Beaver that the Midget was not invited to a double date with Karen and The Beast. Eager Beaver informed me that I had made the Midget cry again. Wah, wah, wah.

The only reason I allowed this charade to go on for so long was because of how good Eager Beaver was in bed. Ever since he played the Naked Man on me, I was hooked.

I started to sever the link between getting laid and dealing with the flying Midget. It was a triumphant victory when I figured out how to navigate around the short stop to get to home base. So naturally, it was time to find a new game. One of Karen's fantasies was to be tied up with a kenpo black belt's black belt. Little did I know at the time, she was banging her boss, the black belt, and who knows what else was transpiring within that activity? Anyways, since I was a bit more public with my black belt, I went ahead and pursued her fantasy.

I'm not sure if Eager Beaver was really just forgetful, or if his mom had such a tight grip on his life that he feared getting caught, or if there was something else preventing him from wanting to bring it, like respect for the martial arts. Regardless, weeks went by during which I nagged him to bring his black belt, and he didn't. Then I had to go away on a trip, and Eager Beaver was sad about it. I told him, when I come back, he needs to make it up to me. I was going to be tied up with that black belt.

When my plane landed back in Phoenix, I texted him to get ready for me. That was when the unimaginable happened: He. Got. Grounded. Grounded? 23 years old. Really, grounded? You've got to be kidding me, you're kidding right? No, apparently he had lied to his mom and was thus grounded. Grounded.

That was definitely the beginning of the end. I was not going to stay fuck buddies with a guy whose mom treats him like a 14 year old. He acts like it, don't get me wrong, but that's just not a situation I can handle. I did get tied up with the black belt a week later, and that was about it.

Meanwhile, the Midget was moving on from me, which was a giant-sized relief. We still saw each other at kenpo, and that's where I learned about what follows.

Eager Beaver set up his ex-girlfriend with the Midget. The Midget was so excited to be texting with her. He showed me a picture of her, she was a cow. Regardless, I was happy for him, he was crushing hard and had the potential to get laid.  

About a week went by, and I hadn't heard anything about it, so I went the less direct route and asked Eager Beaver.  The story he gave me is another one of those I-can't-make-this-stuff-up scenarios.  You have been warned.  

I asked Eager Beaver if the Midget had, indeed, had sex with Eager Beaver's ex.  Eager Beaver's response was, "Kinda."  Now, there are times that are appropriate to say kinda, but I feel that in talking about sex, it's very much black and white.  Obviously, I needed more information, so I pressed on, carefully.  He proceeded to make reference to a vacuum with no suction power, which I didn't understand one bit.  And then he ended with, perhaps, the cherry on the top: "And the condom kept falling off, because it was too big..."  

And there you have it.  Around this time, I decided to call the whole thing off and cut Eager Beaver and the Midget out of my life forever.  

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