I'm in Trouble

The trouble all started with tickets to a musical which holds a special place in my heart, Pippin. Before I had moved to Fort Worth, but knowing I'd be moving, I saw that Pippin would be playing at a local theater in August and decided that I wanted to go. At the time, I was still talking to Tommy who worked weeknights, so I knew Friday night was not an option for him and I didn't want to do Saturday night in case I was traveling. I bought tickets for a Sunday matinee. I mentioned getting the tickets to Tommy, and he said I could work him into seeing musicals potentially.

When I was seeing Justin, I had mentioned it to him, knowing Tommy was kinda out of the picture. Justin was interested, but of course, I ended things a while ago with him. Brandon and I had gone to Grease together at the same theater, and I knew he was up for Pippin, until he ended things with me.

It seems like Brandon left a bigger hole in my life than I had realized. I seem to be trying to fill it with several guys. Maybe it was just desperation to not waste a ticket, but I don't think so - I was truly at peace with the idea that I may have to go to the show by myself. In fact, when I bought the tickets, I knew there was a chance I wouldn't have a date. I had considered that my lead at work, who also likes musicals, would  also potentially go with me. And truthfully, it may have been good timing because I feel like her and I have been at odds a bit at work, but she was on vacation so I didn't bother asking her to go.

First, I started back with Tommy. I mean, hey, the tickets had originally been purchased with him in mind, and we weren't not on speaking terms. He didn't respond for a few days and then I asked him to just give me a yes or no please and he said, "No thanks." Obviously not the answer I was hoping for but it was an answer. Next I reached out to Ryan and we started talking again. I mentioned the show to him and he said it would be out of his comfort zone and ultimately decided he wasn't interested right now. Not going to lie, I'm a little surprised he didn't want to go based on how he pretends to worship me, but there's obviously something off about him and this is just one more example of that I think. I also reached out to Kevin back in LA, even though he wouldn't be able to come out here for the show, but it felt nice to get attention from him. I still wish he hadn't messed everything up; he could be living with me here and we could be a happy couple had he not gone and done what he did.

Running out of options, I begrudgingly opened up that stupid dating app. There had been a like on there to which I had never responded - Peter. He didn't have a ton of information about him, and his pictures were so different. In some pictures, he was more clean shaven and I'd say cute, but he reminded me of the Nate character in Ted Lasso who ends up being kind of a bad guy, and I think I had a hard time getting over that. With facial hair, I'd say he was downright hot. I decided to respond to him. Turns out he's British and presently in the UK visiting family, which is pretty cool. He loves cooking and wants to cook for me, and he calls me gorgeous which I love. He seems adventurous and interesting. The biggest bummer with him is that he lives in Tulsa - apparently he had liked me when he was visiting his buddy in Dallas. Why is dating in Dallas turning out to be dating not in Dallas?

I also liked a few new guys from my feed, and one engaged right away. He was simply "J" in the app, and when I asked him about it, he said his name is Justin but people call him JD or J, and considering my recent history with a different Justin and my strange history with a JD, I decided J was good for me. Anyways, I didn't have a lot of time to banter back and forth before asking him to go to a musical with me. I didn't even have time for a first date since I was in North Carolina last week. My plane got delayed Saturday evening, and I got home after 1 am on Sunday, the day of the show. Nevertheless, I took a shot and asked him. He was curious and then kinda said to hell with it, let's do this. He is so good looking based on his pictures, and a young guy in his early twenties, so I gave it about a 70% chance he'd stand me up and ghost me. I mentally prepared myself for just that. Which made it funny when he asked me a little before I had to leave to pick him up if I had changed my mind about seeing him.

It was a strange first date, partially because we had literally only exchanged maybe 50 messages in all, and they weren't very deep, so we were basically complete strangers, and then we went to a show during which we wouldn't be talking. I told him we could do dinner after, and when I picked him up he told me he hadn't had anything to eat all day so I offered to stop somewhere before the show but he passed on that. At the theater, I offered to buy us snacks and drinks, and we both got drinks but he again passed on any food. We got to talk a little as we waited for the show to start, but it still wasn't a lot and we hadn't yet been physically affectionate other than a hug when we first met. During the show, it seemed like he was pressing his leg up against mine perhaps in a flirtacious manner, but it also kinda just seemed like manspreading. I wanted to put my hand on his thigh or try to hold his hand or something, but it felt too new so I kept my hands to myself. I thought, maybe during intermission I can try to make a move, as it felt like I needed to do it when we could talk. I wussed out, and so we sat through the second half with our hands to ourselves still. I was happy to find out during intermission that he was enjoying it a lot. When the show was over, he said he really liked it and it inspired him to dance. We decided to go to Hurtado for dinner since he had never been, and there we finally got to have something of a real conversation. It was mostly basic, but he did intrigue me a little and I liked how interested he seemed in some of my experiences and opinions.

All the while, Kevin was sending me dirty pics like he does, Peter and Ryan were messaging me, and I'm going to see Sam on Friday in Scotland. Oh boy, am I in trouble!

I didn't offer to do anything after dinner, I figured I wanted to get back home so I'd just drop him off and call it a night. As we drove back to his place, the conversation got deeper and I really enjoyed our discussion. When I pulled into the lot by his apartment, I stepped out to give him a hug and realized then how tall he was. He held me sweetly and then we nearly pulled away. He very genuinely thanked me for taking him out and I told him it meant a lot to me that he indulged my invite to a musical. We paused, and I thought he might kiss me but he seemed hesitant. So I went for it. His lips were so unbelievably soft - I felt like I could smush them a mile deep with how soft they were. We had just one peck kiss, paused, and I think we both felt we wanted more, and had a few more kisses. We pulled away just slightly. He said he'd love for me to come visit or go out again, and I told him I should have him over to my place, and he got excited at that idea and suggested we go for a swim in the pool. He has no idea about my pool protocol (usually in the nude unless non-romantic guests are over). He's in trouble! I took the opportunity to touch his arms and his muscular chest, and yeah… damn. I am in trouble.

And I love it, really. I mean, I still wanted to be wifed up at some point and have my live-in boyfriend to cuddle with and plan things with and not have to worry about dating. BUT, if I can't have that right now, having guys give me the attention that I want, is so good. As I drove home I reflected if this situation is even better than being in a monogamous committed relationship. Afterall, even if I haven't cheated on the several last boyfriends, I have been tempted. Maybe there's something to the chase that I enjoy and wouldn't want to give up if I didn't have to.

Not a decision I need to make right now, thankfully. For now, I am going to enjoy just being in so much trouble.

He Stood Me Up in the Most Elaborate Way Ever

There I was in my car at the airport, or more precisely, the cell phone lot, when it hit me. He hadn't come. He wasn't coming. He was never coming. I had put all this trust into him. I had told my family and friends and coworkers about this marvelous guy from Sydney for whom I was head over heels. Yes, Sydney, Australia. And I had told all of them about how he was flying for 14 hours to spend the week with me. I told them about how we made plans for next month to tour around Scotland and London. I told them how we were thinking about additional trips in New Zealand, Hawaii and Tasmania, and basically planning the next 10 years' worth of potential vacations to catch worldwide events like solar eclipses and the Olympics and the World Cup, and how he may join me in LA later this year for the Air Show. I had left work early to come to the airport because his flight was scheduled to land at 3:30. It was now 4:30 and I hadn't heard from him yet. I had taken several days off work for him. And he stood me up. The plane he was supposedly on had landed and the minutes were ticking by with no contact from him. Of course I haven't heard from him! He wasn't coming. It was 1:30 am in Sydney, he was asleep, that was why he wasn't online. I can't believe I was such an idiot and fell for this! I really thought I could trust him.

To save as much face as I could, I hurriedly went through my facebook feed and made every post about him private so that nobody else could see the posts anymore. My Mom had already seen and commented on my post about how excited I was to pick him up from the airport today, but not too many others had seen it. I hid them all, going back weeks, months. All this time spent talking with him, the video chats. We had even gone on two dates while he was here in the Dallas area for the solar eclipse. But of course those were convenient for him since he was already here. He wouldn't fly out just to see me. I'm such an idiot.

And what I didn't tell people… I paid for his ticket. Not only did I pay for it, I gave him my credit card number over the phone. I hadn't seen a receipt for the plane tickets, just a screenshot of the flights before he purchased them to validate the dates and times were good. My original plan had been to make him pay for the tickets and I'd reimburse him when I picked him up, just to make sure he'd really be here. But he always makes me feel silly when I don't trust him. Like, of course, he wouldn't steal my credit card information, or buy a different ticket. Still, I knew the risk when I offered to pay for the trip and when I didn't insist on him fronting the money. And truly, it wasn't the money that hurt the most. $2500 is a lot but I can make or lose that in the stock market or in a real estate negotiation easily. What hurt was the self-imposed embarrassment. The fact that I'd have to admit to everyone that I'd been had. I really believe him…

And he was good. He had taken a picture of the flight at the airport. I have no idea how long he'd been planning this charade, maybe he took it when he returned to Sydney after the eclipse, or maybe he really did take it 14+ hours ago when he went to the airport to use my kindness to travel somewhere else. And when did the airplane selfie get taken? Was that really 14 hours ago? Or was that from weeks ago? It's impossible to tell. One thing's for sure, he had me going, didn't he? The build up, with a countdown in our messages and chats, and the perfectly timed updates and pictures. All of that had me believing he was really coming.

But here I sit at the airport, waiting. Waiting for what? How long do I wait? Surely, he would have messaged me by now. Maybe his phone died… in that case I should probably do a drive by at the terminal just in case he is there waiting for me. Would he be that irresponsible, though, to let his phone die? Seemed unlikely. The only possible explanation was that he hadn't really come at all. No point in checking the terminal, he's not there.

…and then my phone blinged. He wasn't at the curb of the terminal. He was in customs, and it had taken that long for him to get Wifi. Of course… he didn't have cell service here in the US - the only way we could communicate was via WhatsApp (or the dating app we had initially met on - Hinge). I huge wave of relief coursed through my body, although I was still so shaken I didn't fully let my guard down. I did burn some time (now that I knew customs was going to take a while) going back through my facebook feed and making the posts about him visible to friends again. But it wasn't until another hour later, when I had picked up dinner for us and he finally made it through customs and gotten his bag, and I spotted him on the curb, that I let the last shred of doubt leave. He hadn't stood me up after all! Seeing is believing - never again would I not trust him.

A Year in Review: 2023

I set out at the beginning of this year to focus on four themes, which I'll summarize as:
(1) Live intentionally
(2) Re/connect deeply
(3) Get outdoors & "into" space
(4) Create ease

These four items have been starring at me from my little letterboard on my mantle, in plain view when I'm sitting in my favorite recliner sofa seat and where any guests can easily see it. I think I've done a pretty damn good job of all of them, although of course I could always do more.

Live intentionally

I started this year with a bad boss and was able to secure a position with a fantastic manager. That was a big deal for me; although it was a very tough decision in the moment, as time went on it proved to be one of the best decisions I could have made. Some ideas I had originated when I set my 2023 themes were also directly accomplished. I bought land, specifically 2.5 acre in the Mojave desert - I just absolutely fell in love with the location, situated just up to a mountain and looking down on the valley but isolated enough I could camp there and not see a single soul. Book and plan a vacation also was done in spades, I'd say. I just came back from a terrific holiday in Maui with my whole family, which I had largely coordinated. I had also had a great time in Las Vegas with A.J. while we were seeing each other, and then with Deric shortly after we became a couple. A fantastic trip to Colorado in August ties to the next theme, reconnecting with a childhood friend, Laura. I spent over a week in North Carolina with my sister, continuing our tradition of being the first to visit when one of us moves. I completed my downstairs bathroom wallpapering and installed a new light, and completed my master WC wallpapering. Some of the other ideas, though, weren't accomplished or adhered to, such as increasing my health routine discipline, having a mindfulness weekend retreat and a blog-a-thon. I'd still like to do those things regularly, and they would probably be good for my stress and health as I face new uncertainties next year.

Re/connect deeply

I've never been very good at maintaining relationships, but I did make an effort this year. The most triumphant being spending a week or so with my childhood friend, Laura, in her home in Colorado Springs. We had been friends in first and second grade, she lived only a few houses away from me, but after I moved away and even when I moved back, we had never really been close. We even went to the same high school and our circles of friends loosely intersected, but her and I were mostly acquaintances I'd say. Through one positive example in a world of negatives, I would credit social media for helping us to reconnect, as we followed each others' adventures and talked about getting back together some time, and this was the year I finally made good on that notion. I think we were both a little nervous about suddenly spending so much time together after years of barely knowing each other, but we had a brilliantly hilarious time and vowed not to wait so long to do it again. I also tried reconnecting with long-time friend and short-lived romantic partner, Rick, and we did have dinner one night while I was in Arizona for a charity walk I've tried to do with Allison most years, but that relationship still feels strained. It was great, of course, to see Allison, and she's another one I’d like to be a better friend to. Also on that visit, I went to swing dance with my favorite instructors, and they made me feel like a celebrity returning home. One of my previously favorite dance partners there, Miguel, encouraged me to go to Camp Hollywood and I knew I should, since dancing was also a thing I was investing more of my time into. I am so glad he encouraged me to do - it was amazing and I'm already booked for next year.

I also did a lot of dating this year, trying to find my next Mr. Right and it's been tougher than I imagined. I've had a lot of great memories and far too many
heartbreaking let downs. When I started this blog long ago, it was a dating blog, and I thought it would be fun to return it to one being single, but when I reflect on it, dating was fun back then and it has a more serious tone to it now. I'm not dating to make fun of it, I want to find my someone and that doesn't feel like something I want to poke fun at. Well, after months of ups and downs on the dating front, I am now with Deric, who may not be perfect, but he's at least my Mr. Right Now.

Get outdoors and "into" space

I never imagined how much of nature and space I would do this year. Shortly after the year started, by mere happenstance as far as I can tell, I saw a post - was it an

ad? - inviting volunteers to support the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve. I knew about the reserve - my sister and I had visited it out of season but I had missed the blooms the prior year. I mentioned it to one of my employees who happened to be traveling for work with me when I saw the post, and she got so excited about it I cemented the idea in my head that this would be a great thing to do. And it was! I loved my trailwatch shifts - four hours, and I usually hiked about 5 miles, stopping to educate guests or take pictures for them. It was a great way to get my butt out of the house and into nature, and I intend to do it as long as I live here. I even got to bring several friends and employees out with me!

I did also do the space-y things I wanted to do - I visited the Griffith Observatory as a sort-of date with Kevin during one of their events, Above, and started watching their monthly show All Space Considered. I also managed to finagle a private tour of the Lockheed Martin Space site in Littleton, Colorado during my personal trip there.

I also set out on several stargazing quests. In late January and early February, I was watching weather and visibility to find a time when I could perhaps see the green comet. Conditions were poor over and over again, until finally, towards the end of its time in our sky, I camped out on my land in Mojave and was able to capture a view of it through my binoculars. Later in the year, Nadine and I camped out at Amboy Crater and watched the Perseids and Orionids meteor showers, catching dozens of shooting stars and one fantastic fireball. I was not so fortunate in my last attempt - I had booked a private stargazing and astrophotography tour in Maui but when we climbed to the summit at 10,000 feet, the stars were barely out and were quickly covered up - no such luck at capturing the Milky Way as is usual up there. Nevertheless, I learned quite a bit about the relationship between the Hawaiians and the stars, how they navigated by the stars and drew the first celestial maps, and all stars have a Hawaiian name as homage to their contributions.

Create ease

I probably did the least of this - certainly not all the things I aspired to do. But I have utilized AI and automation in ways to make my life better, and that was the objective of the theme.

Life List Update

While many things went well this year, I was worried that this would be the first year since I started my Life List in which I wouldn't have completed at least one thing from my list. Many years I complete several items all in one big vacation, or I complete a few items from various little efforts. To be fair, many of the easier ones are completed and that leaves more difficult ones or items that are specific to a location to which I haven't yet traveled. But, after my nephew joined me in Maui, we decided to go hiking on Haleakala. So I made the trek in the convertible once again through the twists and turns, but this time in the daylight and with company, and when we stopped in the visitor center we learned that the local Ne ne birds are the most endangered species of goose. We spotted several of them both while hiking and while driving, and managed to take a few blurry pictures of them, which I'll consider as checking off Life List item #93: Photograph an endangered species. So not a minute too soon, December 21st was the day that ensured this was not the year in which I didn't complete something from my Life List.

Final reflections

There have been many years with drastic changes in jobs and where I lived, but this year seems like even more change even though I stayed put in Palmdale. Starting with ending a nearly 10 year relationship, reconnecting with old friends, a small job change, investing in my swing dancing like I hadn't in several years, and really just finding myself again has been tumultuous. I'm not sure that I've fully found myself yet, but perhaps that is an ongoing journey always. I've cried a lot, sometimes for silly reasons, sometimes because life is just stupid hard, and sometimes for no real
reason at all. But I've also had the best of people around me and great times, amazingly beautiful moments and laughter that made my cheeks hurt. And I guess that's what life is all about, isn't it? As the last year fully in my 30's, I can definitely say that I lived.

It's May!

Once upon a time, I started this blog after a relationship break-up, and in part, to catalog the quirky adventures of dating. I had given up on love at that time, to be honest, which was both sort of sad and a little liberating. No longer did I have to go on dates and wonder if he could be the one, nor did I see weird yellow flags as setting a precedent that I should address. I went with whatever, so long as it didn't cross a hard line for me, and let the ridiculousness unfold. It was funny the bizarre things my dates would subject me to, and I considered it my duty to share it with the world, or at least document it for my future amusement, on this blog.

Then, the unexpected happened. I found a guy who wasn't ridiculous or bizarre. We had an instant mutual attraction and neither of us wasted a second dancing around our feelings towards one another. He seemed to be nearly perfect by my definition - tall, liked musicals, football, basketball and swing dancing - a rare combination. He often seemed to read my mind - mentioning his desire to go to massage school, for example - I had told my roommate I would love to find a guy who wanted to study massage, I'd pay for his schooling if it meant massages for life. I had some hesitations about him - I mean, I just recently given up on love - and I was worried he might fall harder for me than I for him, and I'd break his heart. But I rationalized that I had hesitated too often before, and the window of opportunity seemed to have passed, and I didn’t want to repeat that mistake. So we dove headfirst into a nearly 10 year relationship.

We had a very long, happy "honeymoon" phase - we rarely fought and we loved doing everything together all the time. We had amazing adventures and were the envy of our friends on facebook. As I met his family, they would always comment that they felt they knew me already from facebook. And the rest is history…

Fast forward to around 2021 - 2022. The relationship had soured. He said some things I could not get passed. I was frustrated with him. We still did fun things, but we were fighting a lot. It felt to me that he had become spoiled by my supporting him financially as he supported me in other ways through a number of geographic moves for my job. While I stand by my decision to do so, I think it changed our dynamic in his mind, and he became a different person. We tried addressing things, and he claimed to be committed to fixing what was broken, but now I see he was already too gone. A few specific incidents made it very apparent that we were not working, and I knew we had to end things.

With such a long time put into our relationship, I felt I owed it to him to end things amicably. That was I tried to do. To my surprise, 10 years of hate and bizarre accusations spewed out of him until I didn't ever want to see his face again. Cheating, really? He thought this was about me seeing someone else. But like Ingrid Andress' song, "I Think You're Seeing Someone Else", actually I was seeing someone else. I was holding onto the instant love and perfect chemistry of years ago. He had become someone different without my realizing it. Not better, like in the song. No, I had become more financially stable and more grounded, he seemed to have diverted and gone backwards. He was blaming me for him not finishing college or having a career, villainizing me with this made up affair he thought I had been having for 10 years, even bringing up my last boyfriend and accusing me of cheating on him, acting like I didn't make every geographic move with his concurrence, and on and on. I didn't know what to make of it at the time. Later, when I found his OnlyFans subscriptions, things started to click that he was projecting his guilt onto me and hoping I was cheating. Then I did what should have been a bad idea - looked through old videos and photos of us when we were happy early on - and it ended up being quite therapeutic because he was unrecognizable in those photos and videos. It made me realize I had not been dating the same guy for the last 9+ years. I was dating a great love, and more recently, I was dating a self-righteous fixed mindset monster. The man I fell in love with had died years ago, I'm not sure when, but he was no longer there.

That was in January, and as you can imagine, it's taken a minute to process all of this. I didn't process it all well, either. Shortly before Valentine's I read about a zoo that would, for a charitable donation, name a cockroach or a rat after your ex- and then feed it to the animals. I splurged for the video package and wrote a script that cut to the core of the idiocy that was the end of our relationship. Hey, it was for charity, right?

That's not to say I've been wallowing in sorrow since January. I've just not sat myself down and done a lot of self-reflecting. Instead, I've kept myself crazy busy. I volunteered at the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve as a docent and did regular trail watch to keep people off the poppies and educate them on the different types of flowers and wildlife (which I had to learn about myself). It was a great way to get my butt out of the house and hike many miles. I also volunteered for the Aerospace
Robotics Competition as a mentor to a high school team again. I started swing dancing again, practicing at home and going to Pasadena for the dances. I've been doing some home renovation stuff. And traveling - I went to Arizona for the Purple Stride and swing danced out there on my home turf. I cut and donated my hair. And seeking, interviewing for, and securing a new job (still at the same company). Yep, I've kept myself busy, but that’s not all I've been up to…

Dating - so many dates. I wasn't going to do the dating app thing, I was going to find comfort in doing my own thing and allow for the potential for something spontaneous to happen. But one weak moment one lonely evening and I had a full profile, and then the guys started pouring in.

And so, my blog is nearly ready to return to its original glory, talking about all the craziness of dating life. But it's already May!! I have so much to catch up on.

I was first excited about Nick - an Aussie who loved D&D. I wasn't so sure I'd be attracted to him based on his profile pictures, but when I met him, instant attraction. Not to mention we had had great conversation for weeks leading up to the first date. He broke it off a few days after, to my great disappointment. I know it was short and I shouldn’t have been upset, but I really liked him.

Then there was Cole, we talked a ton on the phone and texted a lot and then he ghosted me for a while. We never met but still message from time to time. Weird, right?

Jimmy - the jerk - stood me up. We chatted and then made arrangements for a date and he texted me about it that day, and that he was on his way, and all the way to the point of, "I'm in the parking lot," and then never showed. Why are people so cruel? I ate a disappointing dinner by myself that night.

Francisco works at Virgin Galactic (one of the common themes dating in this area is lots of engineers in my field, gotta be careful, I've found coworkers and stuff already)… He claimed he didn't want a hook up but he ghosted me after our first date so I'm going to go ahead and call him a big fat liar.

Then there was Dani, who used the sweetest words in his texts to me, calling me Queen and the like. The texting made more sense when I met him and realized he was not an native English speaker. We went on a few dates and I learned he was Iranian but trying to make it as an engineer in my field - and struggling because he is unable to give up his Iranian citizenship but that is preventing him from getting certain accesses. One night we had a discussion that felt too much like I was dating one of my (bad) employees and I decided it wasn't for me so I called it off. 

Dreamy Jay as I called him seemed very hook-up oriented but he was so good looking in his pictures I was willing to risk it. We talked for weeks and made tentative plans several times that never worked out, and it just sort of drifted off until he created a new profile and came up in my recommendations, but he had changed his name and used different pics so I wasn't sure - I liked him and then he confirmed he was the same guy. Goof. 

There was a doctor named Nick who I met once, and without either of us saying anything, we mutually stopped talking after that. The chemistry was just not there. 

I met KoiGoi against my better judgment, and was instantly happily surprised by how attracted I was when he walked in, but the conversation was terrible and I ended things after. But because I was attracted to his height, I temporarily started filtering on height to find other tall guys.

My tall filter caught 6'4" Aaron. He was so weirdly bad at communicating, I tried so hard with him and I don’t know why. I guess I was attracted to him and he wasn't in my industry so there's that. We went on a few dates and then he disappeared for several weeks and acted like it wasn't a big deal when he did start responding again. I may have acted out to cause a little drama and he freaked out and ended things, which was a huge overreaction in my opinion but probably good to fail fast in that case.

Then there was 6'5" Brandon, super sweet via text but horribly awkward in person. It was not going to work with him, but I went on a couple dates to try and he disappeared, probably for the better also. 

My filter also got me 6'8" Jesse, with whom I've tried to connect in person several times and it keeps not working out. He's a fitness trainer but works like four other jobs and is just too busy probably to date someone like me. But I'd still like to meet him in person, because, I mean, 6'8"! 

While seeing those rando's throughout and talking to several others that never really went anywhere, there have been four guys - yes, four - who I've seen more consistently and hopefully. Two of them are named Kevin, just to make things confusing, so I call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2, and then there's Andrew who also can be confusing as he shares the name of my best local friend, and then there's Justin from Hollywood.

My first date with Kevin 1 was fun and cute - we went to a taco food truck - his idea, and he ordered for us in Spanish which I found weirdly attractive. As we were eating, the spice was obviously getting to him and he looked over to me and asked, "You're pretty good with spice, huh?" And I had to think for a moment to even register that the tacos had a kick to them. Meanwhile he was drenched in sweat and his nose was running. I thought that was funny. My  friend Andrew and I were supposed to go to a show at the Griffith Observatory, and at the last minute he realized he had made plans with a woman he was seeing. I told him I'd see if I could get Kevin 1 to go with me and he agreed. I liked that he was willing to be a little spontaneous and do something completely out of the norm for him. He was the perfect date, we took selfies and fun pictures and he was just sweet and all about me the whole time. I loved how he touched me in public, not too sensual but enough for me to feel like I was his. There was a lot of promise early on, but then he had a lot of drama in his personal life and I didn't get to see him for 6+ weeks, and we got angry with each other. We reconciled a couple weeks later, and have gone out a few times since. Of all the guys I'm seeing right now, he's the one I have the most feelings for and most hope for, but there's that lingering drama that threatens it. We're planning a weekend getaway to Las Vegas in June. I may or may not have bought a $1000 bottle of tequila he wanted. What is wrong with me?

Dating Kevin 2 is wild. I thought he was pretty innocent and over-achiever, goody-two-shoes type, but once he let down his guard I found a very emo, anti-establishment, anti-everything, party animal. It first came out on St Patrick's Day with Andrew and his woman friend, and got really ugly the next day at the zoo when he said all these animals should kill themselves rather than be locked up for people to look at them. I told him that day that I was never going to take him out anywhere again, and he apologized, but I've held true to that. I still spend time with him in private, but I don't really see it going anywhere. He's great to cuddle up for a movie though.

Andrew just completed his third marathon, has a cute dog and a busted truck. He works for his grandma as an accountant. He's usually down for anything I suggest, but his personal life drama prevents him sometimes. I think early on he was intimidated by my profession and was trying to impress me, and since then he's calmed down and our conversations flow really well.

If anyone accused me of having a type, Justin would break that mold. He's the epitome of Hollywood, but we have a great time when we're together even though we have almost nothing in common. He calls me "boo" and we just really click. The distance makes it hard to see each other regularly, but we make it work from time to time.

So I think that kind of catches us up. I still can't believe it's May already. I start my new job in a couple weeks, although truth be told my new manager is sucking me in as fast as he can. I'm so completely sad to be leaving my team. I wasn't going to accept the job because of them. It was a surprise to me, when I tried to write my decline letter, I talked myself into accepting because the new manager has done so much to make me feel valued, and my current manager and director were so luke warm about losing me. I didn't think being valued mattered that much to me, until it was clear.

Besides my very busy dating life, I've mostly been trying to live up to my four principles for 2023, which I've summed up on my letterboard as: live intentionally, (re-)connect deeply, get outdoors and 'into' space, and create ease. It's been an adjustment to be single again, but I know its for the best - he made it very easy to not have second thoughts - and I'm just figuring out how to find myself again.