Hawaii Mauka: Our 2025 Hawaiian Adventure - Part 2

As is my way, I insisted we get to the meeting point for the stargazing tour early. It was in the Target parking lot and we figured there'd be food places we could grab lunch nearby. That proved to be partially true - they were a bit further away than I wanted to walk. But Target has Pizza Hut inside, so I sort of insisted we just grab the Pizza Hot. Interestingly, they advertised a Spam pizza which I totally would have tried if they had it, but they did not, so I got pepperoni and Sam got cheese, of course. Then we waited outside for much longer than I expected, and Sam was definitely frustrated with my early arrival, but he didn't press it too much. 

The best thing ever (haha) happened when we finally saw the tour van and approached to check in. Our tour guide, James, gave Sam the most hesitant, awkward hug ever. He hugged me too, but since I was prepared for it, I went straight in for it. I adored our tour guide, he was super knowledgeable and would repeat important things at varying intervals, which you can tell he probably learned he had to do after dozens of tours in which people are only half paying attention. We a Japanese couple with us also who apparently didn't speak English, so James did his best to point things out in Japanese, but it was very apparent to me that he only knew so much of the language. Still, he did such a great job managing the crazy group and ensuring the Japanese couple were included. 

The timeline was strange to me - leaving at 2:45 for a sunset and stargazing tour, but as we made our way up the mountain, it made more sense. It was quite a trek up there, and it was raining most of the trip, but James assured us the weather should be good and clear on top of the mountain. We literally drove through and then above the clouds! Sure enough, blue skies all around us, the only clouds were down below! 

We stopped and spent 30 minutes at the visitor center which is at 9,200 feet so we could acclimate. We also ate there; I had ordered vegetarian sandwiches for Sam and I so as not to risk him getting pig products, and they were actually pretty good. Look at me eating vegetarian! The elevation was already getting to me, I could tell, although not too bad, so I just took it easy and let Sam know how I was feeling. He was very caring for me. 

We then continued up the mountain and visited several telescopes, all the while James was explaining how they are managed and sharing both the culturalists who oppose them and the supporting efforts. Walking around closer to 13,000 feet was only slightly worse for me, but it was still so slight that I think the acclimating had done its job. Sam also noticed it, not the whole time, but when he tried exerting himself up a hill, he said he got winded much more than usual and was surprised and intrigued by that experience. I was comparing it to being at the top of Pike's Peak in Colorado, over 14,000 feet, when I felt like absolute jelly and the potential for nausea was much more prevalent. But since we took a train straight up there, we didn't have the same acclimation, so I attributed feeling better to that. 

As the sun dropped in the sky, James took some really amazing and unique photos of us. We watched the sunset from that location, very near the peak, and then boarded the van to drive down a little ways for the ideal stargazing spot. 

I set up my tripod and starting taking pictures while the other tour guide set up a telescope and let people peer through it for various planets and stars. I continued to take long exposure photos while James led an astronomy lecture using his laser pointer to point at things in the sky. His counterpart did the same in Japanese. We learned that the Southern Cross, usually only visible in the southern hemisphere, was actually visible, albeit low on the horizon, for about two months in Hawaii. This was really impactful to Sam. 

Apparently I had set up so in exactly the spot where James wanted to set up. He was actually willing to find a new spot, which I thought was so kind and a little ridiculous of him (haha) - who am I? Just a person on his tour. Once my long exposure completed, I gave him the spot and set up elsewhere. His photos, of course, were so amazing. We even got a couple pictures pointing to the Southern Cross. It became sort of an underlying theme of the trip - aspects of the southern hemisphere coming north to Hawaii. Sam, of course, being the main one. 

After all that wrapped up, we packed back into the vans and wound our way down the mountain. James kindly dropped us off at our hotel, and we got a final hug each, less awkward. 

After taking an early phone call for work on the balcony, we packed up and headed to the airport to transport to the last island together: Maui! Finally, I'd see if Haleakala could redeem itself, although the Mauna Kea tour on the Big Island had already surpassed my hopes for stargazing on this trip. 

We landed and got the rental car and still had a couple hours before we could check into the AirBnB, so we went in search of a late lunch / early dinner. I was hoping to go to the ramen place I had taken my parents so, Tampopo, but it said it was temporarily closed. As we drove, though, I remembered I also really liked Black Rock Pizza, and Sam was agreeable to go there, so we had pizza for a second day, albeit much better than Pizza Hut Express at Target. 

Since we were on the fourth floor, I was very glad to see there was an elevator. We got settled in and took in the view from the balcony. I could not get over it; it was absolutely beautiful! We took it easy that first night, and I used my tripod on the balcony and took some decent shots of the night sky even from there!

 

I started the next day with leftover pizza for breakfast on the balcony - can life get any better? We went for a swim at the nearby sandy beach and watched sea turtles coming up to our beach from the balcony. Then we made preparations to bundle up for the cold and made our way up the mountain. It was another long drive, and I remembered all those twists and turns from having driven it twice a year and a half prior. But it was worth it!

 

After a little confusion in the absolute dark of where to go to get to the top, we found the staircase and brought our things up the short climb to the pavilion. When I was there last, the pavilion was under construction and was off limits to us. This time, it was open and we could use it to warm up a little and mostly get relief from the wind. Sam had found a Thermos and brought tea up with us so we could have a hot beverage to help warm us up.

 

We were so completely alone up there and it was just breathtaking. I couldn't believe the summit wasn't shoulder to shoulder with locals and tourists wanting to take in this incredible view! But, I wasn't complaining… Sam put on the classical music of "Jupiter" while we worked on mastering the art of taking pictures with the other in the foreground while still taking in enough darkness to get the stars in the background.
The photos were great, for sure, but even what we could see with the naked eye was so impressive. My mission to see the Milky Way had finally come to fruition in the grandest of ways!

 

And it was really special to share that with Sam. He told me later, after he got back to work, that he showed his teammates and they were barely interested. His adopted enthusiasm for my passion is one of the things I really like about him.

 

He had agreed to relieve me of driving down the mountain, but being a left-side driver normally, his tendency to lean towards the right edge of the road had me nervous, so I'm not sure if it was better or worse than me just driving myself. Either way, we made it.

 

The following day, with nothing scheduled, it was a good day to have some solo time. First we walked to the local pizza place for lunch and got some leftovers. I did a little shopping there for a Hawaiian dress/jumpsuit, and we walked back. Then he took the car to do some shopping while I stayed at the AirBnB to work on some coursework. We called it a night early so we could get up early to drive the road to Kona the next day!

 

I wasn't sure what to expect with the Road to Kona. I had been under the impression people joked that they "survived" it because the street vendors were shady, or something like that. Actually, they seemed lovely, and I guess the "survival" part comes from all the beautifully scenic one-land bridges and the twists and turns. I was impressed how the lush greenery changed throughout the drive - it wasn't the same for hundreds of miles, it changed and if you blinked, you'd miss it. There were waterfalls visible from the road, especially near the bridges, and there were cliffsides and ocean views. We had packed leftover pizza for lunch so we stopped at a beach in Kona and picnicked at a table facing the water. Some very brave cardinals approached to beg for food. Sam took a quick walk while I relaxed.

Then we headed back, stopping a bit more, now that we knew what the road was all about. We pulled over for some waterfall pictures, and stopped at a vendor for a macadamia nut cookie, a Hawaiian drink and a souvenir magnet commemorating survival of the road. Actually, since Sam was driving on the way back, I was commemorating surviving his driving.

 

I had booked dinner reservations at Mama's Fish House months prior, and tonight was the night! We arrived to the northern town of Paia a little early, so we walked around the downtown shops and then headed over to the restaurant. We were afforded some gorgeous views and took the opportunity to grab some more beach pictures while Sam was all gussied up.

 

Dinner at Mama's was absolutely amazing. We had a stunning view of the beach, and all the food was so good. Adding to our theme of the southern hemisphere coming north, Sam ordered an Antarctic Toothfish. I ordered a port wine with our dessert, which Sam was intrigued with and enjoyed.

 

As the sun set, we left our table and walked down to the beach and got some great pictures with a gorgeously colored sky behind us. Further towards the water, we saw a sea turtle, and got to watch as he made his way back into the water.

 

It was a perfect capstone to an absolutely wonderful vacation. I dropped Sam off at the airport the next morning. He'd spend one more night back on Oahu before flying home, while I spent the night and majority of the following day still in Maui. During the day, I drove up towards Laihaina and explored a public beach by the resorts there. Sam recommended I keep my record going and have pizza yet again. "Pizza everyday!" Then I did some more shopping in Kihei before heading to the airport a little early - only to have to wait to check my bag because I was too early. I'm sure Sam loves that!

 

No matter, I couldn't have asked for more on this trip. Sure, there are other Hawaiian and touristy experiences we could have done, but since my primary mission had been to go to the top of the mountain(s) and see the stars, it surpassed all my expectations. Everything else - the luau, swimming with manta rays, even just the regular beach swims, stunning sunsets and other land-based tours - were just the cherries on top! I feel truly blessed and am so glad I got to experience all of this!

Hawaii Makai: Our 2025 Hawaiian Adventure - Part 1

I've been attempting to see the spectacular Milky Way one sees in photos since at least 2021, when I first ventured to Yosemite in hopes to catch a glimpse. I was stunned at how underwhelming the view was from where I first stayed just outside the park. Figuring it was a combination of overcast skies and being too into the city, I unintentionally began a quest to see it and capture a view.

As frustration gave way to despair, I started to learn more and more that the dazzling photographs are not accurate representations of what one can see with the naked eye. Still, I felt certain I could do better. I tried again at Bryce Canyon, to absolutely no avail. 

It started to get to a point where it felt like some sort of curse. I would set myself up for ideal conditions, or at least the best you can plan for since there are always factors within nature that can change and impact the results. The more I failed to see anything close to resembling the Milky Way, the more determined I became. 

As I planned a Christmas in the Sand vacation for my family on the Hawaiian island of Maui, I stumbled upon an astrophotography experience in which a photographer would take people up to the summit of Haleakala and take portraits with a brilliant Milky Way background. I perused her photos and they were good. Amazing, even. So I coordinated with her to go the very first night I would be in Hawaii to be as close in time to the New Moon as possible. We went up, and she shared a lot of history of the Polynesians using the stars to navigate and Hawaiian names of the stars and constellations. She served me hot chocolate. We had a great, lengthy conversation. 

But no stars. Barely even single digits when we started and it got worse the longer we sat there, shivering against the cold despite being a little bundled up. She kept apologizing profusely and explaining how she had never seen it this dark. We technically should have been above most clouds, at over 10,000 feet, and she'd done this dozens of times before with great success. She suggested if I had another free night or if I came back to the island at a later date, she'd take me up again to try the photoshoot free of charge. She apologized again and again, seemingly embarrassed that Hawaii was treating me so badly. I assured her it was me. The Milky Way was officially alluding me. 

I dove into camping at dark sky sites using light pollution maps and timing my trips with New Moons. I returned to Yosemite and stayed in the park, hoping that would make a sufficient improvement. I learned a long the way that a tripod was an absolute requirement and longer exposures would let more light into my camera. I considered, and still am considering, buying an actual real camera and learning how to use it, but two things are working against that initiative: (1) It seems complex and yet not piquing my interest enough for me to invest my time and energy into learning it, and (2) my Google Pixel phones shoot really good pictures actually. 

I proved this out on my side quest seeking the Aurora Borealis, or Northern Lights. With the aurora in a multi-year peak, it felt somewhat urgent to get somewhere to try to see it, so I booked a crazy trip to Fairbanks, Alaska which I felt was doomed to failure and catastrophe. With only a couple full nights to there, after I saw absolutely nothing the first night, I opted to book the aurora tour for the second night. While it wasn't anything close to the most dazzling aurora, it was a great success, and my Pixel camera phone on a tripod with a long exposure managed to capture some amazing photos and videos with plenty of shapes and colors and even some meteors. 

I will also admit, begrudgingly, that I had some success my second time camping in my new home state of Texas. My first attempt, Copper Breaks, was pretty much a bust, and very underwhelming views and hiking by day, as well. But Big Bend put on a good show. I didn't realize until the morning just how close I was to the Mexican border - my tent couldn't have been 15 feet from the river that forms the border between the US and Mexico! When I comically spotted a coyote, followed by a roadrunner, leave my campsite and head in that direction, it occurred to me that was a Mexican coyote and roadrunner. But I digress. I did manage to capture some decent pictures that night camping in the park, as well as the following night when I stayed in a "space dome" near by. 

Still, Maui remained on my mind. Since meeting Sam, we have both happily gravitated towards beachy vacations and Hawaii is a rather convenient midway point between Sydney and Dallas. So, when I started formulating a return trip to Maui, Sam was all in - with the additional request that we also go to the Big Island to swim with manta rays. Since I've swam with sea turtles and dolphins and snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef, this seemed like a perfectly logical adventure to amend my blessed life experiences. But going to the Big Island also afforded a second opportunity for stargazing, too! He also wanted to go to the luau and fireworks show at the Hilton on Oahu. This was shaping up to be quite a trip! 

We've found that our trips tend to have themes and running jokes throughout them, and rarely are they repeated the next time we get together. This trip seemed to be themed, one for you and one for me. Especially the day we had nothing specific planned on the Big Island. He realized we'd be near the home of Kona coffee and found a place to do a tour. As we found our gate at the airport prior to flying to the Big Island, a bar reminded me that Kona beer would likewise be in that same area. So a coffee tour for him, and a beer tour for me! 

Unfortunately, the manta ray excursion, while absolutely amazing and I'd highly recommend it, stirred up my old motion sickness and I ended up getting sick in the water. Thankfully, not much clean up, and I got dizziness under control before boarding. Still, I wasn't feeling 100% for the remainder of that night and into the next morning. So I wasn't sure about the beer tour, but we did go to the Kona coffee place and then went to Kona Brewing Co for lunch and a couple tastes. 

But, let me give the manta ray experience the full description it deserves. It was very well done, to start. The guides gave us clear instructions and told us what to expect to minimize panicking or concerns in the water. The $40 Go Pro rental, while relatively steep compared to just buying one, was actually well worth it to me because of how simple they made it to use for this specific purpose. Sam really seemed to enjoy using it to capture the magnificent sight, while I was content in enjoying the experience, thinking the videos would never really do it justice anyways. Actually the videos were great, and I sort of wish we had done more "selfie" type video, but that's such a minor point compared to the experience. 

As we boarded, we were given optional wet suit tops to keep us warm in the water, floating services and snorkels, all of which I declined because I had my own dry snorkel with me and didn't want the other two. I was glad Sam got a wetsuit top because he gets cold easily and towards the end of our swim he was getting cold anyways, he would have been much more miserable faster had he not had that. 

I generally love being on boats, and especially faster moving ones which don't foster that subtle rocking sensation that more often triggers my motion sickness. This boat was fairly sizeable but still quite quick, as we made our way out to one of two places in the world (both being in the waters around Hawaii) where the giant manta ray come to feed at night. 

By supplying a large float lit from underneath, plankton are attracted to the float and thus the manta rays would come right up to us with their mouths wide open - it would be terrifying if we weren't previously warned and reassured they only eat little plankton, and then do a back flip inches from our faces. We merely needed to hang onto the lit raft and stretch our feet backwards to keep them on the pool noodles we were supplied. Sometimes they'd swim by and their lengthy pectoral fins ("wings") would bump our shoulders, or even stomachs. And they were huge! Most we saw, I'd estimate to be 5 to 8 feet wide! We were told they could be even bigger out there! And there were dozens of them! It would have been tricky to try to count unique ones since they swam far and wide (and deep) but it was easy to see 4 to 6 at a time unless your view was being blocked by a ray passerby an inch away as they did frequently. 

After our swim was complete (and I stopped vomiting my Thai chicken into the ocean), the boat had a centralized hot shower we could rinse off in and use to warm up a bit. Not going to lie, it felt glorious! 

Upon returning to shore, we exchanged the rented Go Pro for the micro SD card we had used and that meant we got to see the videos on my laptop that night when we got back to the hotel! They were pretty neat, actually, and did a decent job of capturing the awe-inspiring chaos as the rays swam up towards us from down below while others surprised us by coming in close from the side and blocking our view of the multitudes below with their graceful passbys. 

Before I go on to talk about the highlight, err, most elevated (haha) experiences, let me back up even further and talk about arriving in Waikiki. Because lining up flights from Sydney and from DFW continues to be challenging, we opted for me to get there the day before on this trip, so I arrived Thursday afternoon on June 19th. I checked into the Hilton Hawaiian Village and although I was exhausted and could have easily just collapsed onto the bed to go to sleep, I pushed myself to get ready to go to the place I've previously called my happiest place on Earth - House Without a Key. I had discovered it over a decade ago on my second trip to Hawaii with the ex's family.

What I love about it is that it is situated over the beach but on a dock so there is no sand in sight, but the water is right there. The deck affords beautiful views of Diamond Head, but the umbrellas provide ample shade without blocking the stunning colors of sunset. A live Hawaiian band serenades guests as a hula dancer graces the stage with her mesmerizing accompanying movements. The food is terrific, and the drinks are fruity and strong. There seems to be a story behind much of the menu, and the wait staff is phenomenal. And if you have to go to the restroom during your stay, you'll be treated to Toto bidet washlets like I have come to love in my own home (I sometimes joke that the worst part of traveling is that I miss my bidets). In fact, even if you don't need to use the restroom, if you've never tried that kind of bidet, I'd recommend detouring to the restroom to check it out. I was so comfortable with it that I forgot it wasn't mine and instinctually hit the User 1 setting button before remembering that this was not my toilet and therefore had not been programmed for my tastes. I would have to manually set my temperature and pressure settings. Gasp! Still, it was a nice surprise that just adds to why I love this Waikiki establishment. 

I walked nearly a mile and arrived exhausted and hangry, and was unsure if it would stand up to that lofty title of being my happiest place on Earth, but after a mai tai, terrific rolls and butter (what WAS that?) and some pizza, I can say it is definitely worthy of the title I've bestowed on it. While I sometimes mix up the name (Room without a Lock? Place without a Door?) the experience was perfection, nearly 11 years later! 

After two drinks there, stumbling back to my hotel was a little rough, but I made it successfully and even remembered to stop at the ABC store to get distilled water for my CPAP machine. And then I crashed hard! 

Recalling a pastry shop I had spotted while checking in, I decided to wander for a little bit and see what shops and restaurants were in the area, but determined that the pastry shop sounded the best to me for breakfast, so I headed to Chee Hoo Patisserie which already made me giggle a little. I learned what a fougasse was - and to no surprise, discovered it was also delicious - and got a crookie - a soft, buttery chocolate chip cookie wrapped in a croissant crust. I ate most of the very carb-loaded fougasse and instead of discarding the mini pizza box it came in, I used that as a sand-proof platform for my things on the beach while I went for my first ocean swim this trip. Genius, I tell you! The water was wonderful, and after locating a sandbar which would likely have fish, I went back to my things to retrieve my goggles and went for a little snorkel. I was rewarded with a number of fish sightings including spotted tobies. 

I knew Sam would be landing soon but it would still take him time to get through customs and then make his way to the hotel, and that he may not be able to get on a wifi to message me before then. So trying to keep from rushing out of excitement, I headed back to my room and showered and then enjoyed the second part of my breakfast - the crookie, on the balcony with a gorgeous view and awaited a message. When it got closer to his anticipated arrival time and I still hadn't gotten a message, I decided to relocate into the room so I could hear him knock in case he came straight there. He did, indeed, and I jumped up, now allowing myself to get excited. After letting him settle in for a few, we spent a few minutes taking in the view on the balcony and got the first of many selfies, and this one ended up being one of my favorites. He needed a nap and wasn't hungry yet, so I left

him to snooze while I grabbed a burger at the bar downstairs and watched All Space Considered on my tablet. 

We went for a short stroll down the beach and then donned my aircraft-themed Hawaiian shirts for the first big event - the luau! Since Sam doesn't eat pig products, I knew his selections would be limited, but actually there was plenty for both of us to eat, buffet style. We had great seats and enjoyed the show, of course. Sam even got a little video of my dancing at the end of the audience-participation hula lesson. We had tickets for four drinks each which was of course way too much, but we redeemed two during the dinner and show and then redeemed the last two as it wrapped up, and enjoyed them while watching the fireworks from the lawn. We called it a night after that. 

We got up early the next morning to go for a swim before we had to pack up and bounce to our next island. It seemed really quick, but our big adventures awaited us on other islands and Sydney flights really only go in and out of Honolulu, so it's not like Sam could have bypassed that island anyways. 

I had a migraine, perhaps related to the extra drinking at the luau, so we mostly took it easy in Kona and went to a nearby Thai restaurant for dinner in hopes the spice would kick the migraine. It did not, and I was feeling really unwell, but knew it wasn't contagious and felt I could push through for the manta ray swim that evening. 

Alright, so we're all caught up now, as I've previously shared the exquisite manta ray experience. The following day, I was still a little wooshy feeling, but staying in bed or in the room didn't seem like it would improve anything. Since we had left space in the itinerary for a backup time in case the manta ray excursion got rained out, we had nothing officially on the itinerary. 

So we caught an uber - well almost - to the Rising Kona Coffee Farm tour, which was much less commercial and much more startup than I expected. They had only been running the tour for three months, in fact! The tour guide was both passionate and hyped up on caffeine, but also gave laid back beach bro vibes. It ended up being a private tour for just Sam and I, and the main part of the tour included a demonstration of brewing the coffee in front of us, with tips and whatnot that would be helpful if you liked that sort of thing. 

I say we caught an uber almost, because there was a bit of confusion on where we were going and it required a gate code and we had no idea if we were at the right gate and all that, but it ended up getting us there. But to avoid similar confusion, we opted to walk down the hill to outside the gate before calling a ride. That afforded a lovely walk in the beauty of the hilly Kona neighborhood and while waiting for our uber at the bottom of the hill, Sam found a friendly outdoor cat who plopped down and accepted all the scratches Sam could give. While I think cats are quite cute, I am very allergic and didn't want to risk adding any complication to my recovering migraine / motion sickness malady. So instead I photographed the love affair between Sam and the cat we later nicknamed Jollity. 

The uber got us to Kona Brewing Co., where we sat down for a great lunch and I had two small beers to try some of the local draughts. Everything was delicious, naturally, but we decided we didn't need to do the brewery tour. Instead, I loaded us up on merch, including a beanie for Sam because he's perpetually cold, and a shirt and pint glass for me. I was about to call an uber to take us back to our hotel when I realized we were less than a mile away, so we opted to walk it and continue taking in the fresh Hawaiian air. Back at the hotel, I opted for a rest while Sam did his speedwalk. We walked to the Cheeky Tiki for dinner, which featured, hilariously, pendant lamps designed to look like monkeys were hanging off of them, Jungle Cruise style. 

The following day was the first big stargazing event - leaving at the seemingly absurd time of 2:45 pm. Sam slept in while I went for a walk and a swim in the little harbor our hotel sat on. I used my snorkel to check out the rocks a little further out from the shore, and was again rewarded with an amazing assortment and quantity of tropical fish! 

Continued here: Hawaii Mauka: Our 2025 Hawaiian Adventure - Part 2 

Mr. At the Right Time

I was contemplating how very fortunate I have been, even though I have yet to find the love of my life, to have had wonderful people, and specifically in this case, love interests, who have been there for me in the way they were best suited to be there for me at the time that I needed someone like them in my life. 

The memory that first triggered this thought was thinking back to a little more than a year ago when I was in the hectic midst of moving from California to Texas - the first big move I've done on my own without the help of a SO. Even before I had started the moving process, I had changed my dating app profile to the Fort Worth area in hopes of meeting someone great in my soon-to-be new state of residence. It worked, of course, and I had been dating this guy named Justin when I did my business trips to Fort Worth prior to moving. While trying to close on my house in Texas, the relo company sent the wire for my down payment to the wrong account. $80,000 were lost in the ether for the better part of two weeks. $80,000 I thought I'd lost. It was insane. Why do we wire like this? Why are there not more checks and safety features? Seems like a terrible idea. 

Well, Justin happened to work in IT for the banking industry. He had worked at multiple banks and was familiar with their electronic systems, and specifically, how money wires worked and that there are teams of people at the bank who are specifically employed to troubleshoot lost transactions. While the relo company was beyond useless, and my mortgage company was losing their minds, my realtor was pushing for resolution on my behalf, and Justin was giving me ideas to help the issue get resolved and keeping me calm with his assurances that I'd get the money back and all was not lost. There is literally no other guy I've ever dated before or after Justin who could have helped me get through that incredibly stressful moment, in an already stressful situation of moving and changing jobs, with the knowledge and trustworthy expertise like he could. My employees were shocked with how calm I was being through all of that, and I can only attribute it to his ability to authoritatively assure me it would be okay. 

He was there, in that space of my life, when I needed someone of his exact demeanor and knowledge. I mean, that's really incredible. I am really fortunate. Shortly after, we mutually parted ways, agreeing that we were not, in fact, all that compatible. But I will forever be grateful for our time together and specifically how he was there for me. 

To a less extreme extent, I reflect very happily with my time dating Brandon last summer. There are times now when I miss him, and think about reaching out, then I think better of it - at least so far. He had a vibrant social life, despite claiming to be a homebody who liked reading and video gaming more than anything else. It was because of him I adopted the summer past time of drinking beer in the pool with friends - so much fun! He introduced me to the two-step which is a wildly popular dance locally. He was a great lead and I felt very comfortable dancing with him. With his lead, I feel very confident that I sufficiently gave two-step a genuine effort, and I can confidently say that I absolutely hate that style of dance. I introduced him to swing dancing, and he affirmed my opinion that swing dance is far more dynamic and varied and interesting and fun. But I wouldn't have been able to be so assured in my assertion, or even had any clue, had I not had the opportunity to dance it with such a great lead whose touch was so perfect. I loved the way he touched me affectionately, his subtle but present PDA, his comfortable cuddles, his soft kisses. Yet when he suggested we end things, I didn't fight him because I worried that he would be too boring for me, and I looked forward to being all in with Sam. 

I suspect my time with Sam may be drawing to an end, after one or two more extraordinary adventures which are already planned, and it was sad for me to come to that realization. Perhaps I had fallen in love with the exotic love story - two singles from opposite sides of the world being brought together by a celestial event - better than fiction! It's because of him I've made amazing memories checking off multiple things from my Life List - searching for Nessie in Scotland could not have been more amazing - which I wouldn’t have accomplished without him, at least not yet. 

But just as sometimes people are there for you in a way that you need them, I think it's also true that people can be there in ways you don't like, to show you what is important to you. That may be how I see my relationship with Sam when it exists only in hindsight. He was wonderful at first, but started to pull back on his physical affection (even openly admitting he didn't feel obligated to try so hard now that he "had me"), and more and more prioritized his comforts and habits over my needs and wants. There are things that I still really like about him - his glass half full perspective is unmatched - but these other feelings - that I've been gaslighted or manipulated in ways I can't quite prove - tell me that this is not a forever relationship. It's sewing mistrust in a relationship that requires trust more than most, and I believe he is a good person but I also believe he is content with the status quo and actively resistant to change, which does not serve my desires. Still, not all relationships have to be forever to have been good. Like Marie Kondo's method for parting with unneeded clutter, I can thank the relationship for the purpose it served in my life, even if that purpose was to show me that this is not what gives me joy, and put it to rest with peace and without regret. 

I had another date with Ryan today - is this date number four or five? I've lost track, and I love that. I don't need to keep score with him. We are so different, and yet he has a magnetism that pulls me in. Opposites attract can be true in some ways, I know. He's respectful, he's affectionate, he's grateful, he's protective. He's also absolutely crazy and loud and talks nonsense gibberish to me half the time (I know he thinks it has meaning but I get so lost with the fantasy worlds he's trying to explain to me). He has had zero life experiences and knows so little about the world - a little bit of a blank slate I can wow and amaze with little effort. The whole is both bizarre and endearing. As he watched me drive away tonight, not unlike how my neighbor's stalker cat watches me through my windows, I couldn't help squealing at how cute he is. And really, isn't that the most fun part of a relationship? He also may not be the forever love of my life, but we are both mutually agreed we are having fun and want to continue. 

Honestly, while I still yearn for the ultimate forever love of my life, and part of me wishes I could fast-forward to that part, I am trying, with a good deal of success, to find the joy in the newness of relationships and be present and satisfied in the part of the story that I'm in now. I have a perpetually changing Mr. At the Right Time, and life is good, and I have so much to be grateful for. 

Defenses

It's been a year since Sam and I first met up in Dallas, and he's here again to visit me. We had slated this trip to be one in which we'd have a discussion about the state of our relationship. I went into it with pretty high hopes - feeling like we've had bumps and bruises but we have worked through them together and that things are better - and also an assumption he understood where I wanted our relationship to go eventually.

The talk with sort of disastrous. I mean, we remained calm and clarified things, so from that standpoint it was good. But he made it very clear that he had never seriously considered us living together as a future state of our relationship ever. In all the time I feel like we've talked about where we might live in the future and me explicitly offering to help him financially if he were to move in with me back in Tasmania in December, I couldn't believe he had no idea that that's what I wanted. I still sort of don't believe it. I mean, I trust him - I made a promise to myself a long while ago to trust his words because he does seem genuinely honest. So what does that mean then? Was he just not listening to me all those times? Or understanding me? It's ironic and would be funny if it wasn't so hurtful, that although we speak the same language, we rarely speak the same language.

He was good about asking for time to think about it and asked me where my "red line" was - which I confirmed that not living together ever would mean we'd have to end things. We agreed to make a decision on that one way or another by the end of the year. He also asked if we should wait until he's made his decision before talking about it again, or if I'd prefer to have check in discussions even if he hadn't yet made up his mind. I told him I'd prefer the check ins.

Honestly, though, I was sort of devastated. The idea that he could be happy with this arrangement and not want more had never really occurred to me - at least not when I felt reassured about our relationship. Sometimes, especially when he doesn't text me or make time for a call for me for a while, or he drops these ugly surprises on me that he's made plans that take away from my time with him, the insecurities creep in and I wonder if he's just using me for fun vacays.

After having that convo, I think it's more clear than ever that he values me in exactly the way things are. But the idea of living together or meeting his family is still years off in his mind, if ever. And I am not okay with that.

We left the discussion with the decision that he'd make up his mind this year and we'd talk. But when he asked me if I was okay I tried explaining to him that I was agreeable but not happy with that result.

There was a minor thing that happened a couple days before. We were sitting on the couch just chatting and catching up and I remembered that I wanted to show him photos and a video of the full circular rainbow I had seen from the plane coming back from Poland. I showed him and he insisted it wasn't real - that it was just an illusion caused by a blemish in the window. I insisted that no, this is definitely a phenomenon that can happen in the sky like that, rainbows are full circles, we just don't see the other half because of the horizon of the ground. But from above, you can see it. He didn't believe it and basically just insisted it wasn't real, just an illusion. I later looked it up and told him today that I confirmed it is a thing people see in the airplanes and sometimes high up on mountains, and it has a name of the phenomenon and everything. He just kind of shrugged it off, not admitting how interesting it was (even though we both usually appreciate that sort of thing) and not admitting he was wrong. Not a big deal, but then…

We were browsing stuff to watch and he suggested we watch the SNL skit about White Lotus since we had just finished the last episode of White Lotus together. I was agreeable but while he was navigating with the remote, I told him I had it on YouTube TV but he still started searching on YouTube, and then some pop up came up about having to start a free trial that would lead to a paid subscription. He claims he hit, "No thanks" but all I saw was that it went away, and I tried navigating away so that we could watch it on YouTube TV which I already had paid for and I already had SNL recorded on. He started yelling and arguing with me and made a big deal about it. I just wasn't sure and preferred to watch it the way I knew was already covered. He ended up storming off and so did I. I wasn't even really sure what we were mad about - it just felt to me like he always thinks he's right about everything - like the rainbow from the plane - and maybe THIS thing he was right about but he isn't right about everything and why does he have to yell at me and gaslight me and make me feel like I’m wrong all the time?

We got in a little exchange earlier today, too. He wakes up so much later than me, which is fine, but then he has to have his cereal even we planned to go get breakfast, which we did for today - we were planning to go to the Biscuit Bar. But it was pretty rainy this morning so I suggested maybe we didn't go out and then he wanted to sit and watch something so I had suggested the White Lotus season finale since he had wanted to watch that together. He agreed and we put it on, but half way through he started getting antsy because the sun had come out. He decided he wanted to go do his walk then, and because I had a migraine, he told me to rest, even though I had told him multiple times that napping or going back to bed doesn't actually help the migraine at all. It was irritating for a few reasons to me, for one, I don't like being told what to do, especially something that isn't helpful. But also, with the sun coming out, I was thinking that would be a great time to go to the Biscuit Bar at the Stockyards, where he would get some steps anyways. I don't mind that he wants to do these walks on his own, that's sort of his thing, but they're usually later in the evening when I'm sort of tuckered out and don't want to do much anyways. Here I was, sitting around all morning, waiting for him to be ready to go and for the rain to stop, and he was suggesting leaving me to do nothing for an hour or more. I decided to tell him my thoughts, and once again, we had one of those exchanges, I don't think I'd call them fights, but we go back and forth because I don't feel like he understands me and it's like he's giving me the answer based on his understanding. He sometimes interrupts me or badgers me when I'm trying to think of how to respond without being crazy emotional or whatever. But that just makes it worse because he fills the air with all his words and why he's right and doesn't give me the space I need to say my piece. After I finally got to explain to him my feelings, he agreed we should get ready and go to the Biscuit Bar instead. Then I just felt like a pouty child who cries until she gets her way. That's not my intention and I certainly don’t want to come off like that. I think part of it is that I like having a plan and following the plan, even with some flexibility for circumstances. But when the plan changes without my consent, that unnerves me. It throws me into a spiral.

It's so strange to me that we keep having these exchanges because he also likes to say how chill of a guy he is. But this is not chill. The TV blow up thing was definitely not chill. He always encourages me to talk through things when I'm unhappy, but then he doesn't seem to listen fully, he gets defensive and explains why he's right and all that, instead of just letting me explain what's upsetting me and collaborating with me to come up with a compromise. It usually ends with his way or my way, to be fair I often get my way, but it's not because I'm right or because I make it too hard for him to disagree, it's like he just gives in but makes me feel like shit about it.

I don't know. I feel like today, I've had my guard up a little. Like, I'm more keen to key off of the things that are bad about him and our relationship. I feel like I'm mentally and emotionally trying to sever my feelings for him because I'm now afraid in a way that I wasn't before. I'm afraid that he's going to say he doesn't want to live with me or to love me or to marry me or to be my boyfriend. He's going to decide that and I will have no option but to break up with him because I clearly am not satisfied with the way things are. I want my happily ever after and I'm willing to pay a lot for that, but it needs to be with us living on the same side of the planet.

And obviously, fighting him internally and externally isn't going to help him decide he wants to be with me every day. Am I sabotaging the relationship so that I can have control of how it ends? Or have I been minimizing these obvious problems we have because I wanted to believe in a future with him?

He started this analogy a few days ago about how owning cats teaches you consent because cats don't follow commands, whereas dog owners must be controlling and that's why they own dogs. But it seems to me like he treats me - with all due respect to myself - like a dog. That is, he tells me what to do and if I don't do it, he tries to coax me into it, like a dog owner might do using a treat as incentive to comply. Whereas I feel like I treat him more like a cat, he wants to go do his own thing, I let him, he wants to not be touched, I let him, he wants to put his feet on my lap instead of holding me, I let him. I don't like it, but he defines the amount of time we spend together and the amount of touching I'm allowed. So aren't I the cat owner and he the dog owner?

I shared my concerns with him, about how he's very critical of me, and about how I couldn't reconcile our past conversations with him not understanding that living together was a future must for me. He did that weird thing where he reassured me that he had, in fact, understood that, but explained it away. It was something about how he didn't realize the timeline - the future is a future problem so why think about it now? I guess is what I took away from his perspective.

So I don't really know where that leaves me. I was very unhappy initially, and considering ending things before he has a chance to break my heart. But I did the mental gymnastics to help me grateful for what I have - a person who wants to spend time with me and message me, and is willing to also let me date other people. Ending things doesn't really benefit me in any way except to satisfy whatever toxic trait wants me to control the way the relationship ends. So I can allow it to continue while exploring other options, as I desire. And truthfully, I don't really want to explore other options. I want to have my relationship assured so that I can focus my mental energy on improving myself and my life - working on my book, taking college courses, exercising and eating healthy. If I were to break up with him, then my mind would wander to the "what ifs" and I'd be stewing over him not fighting even for me. I'd then go back to spending time and emotional and mental energy on dating again. It just isn't what I want. So I guess, for now, I'm accepting the lesser of the two evils - a non-committed partner who is great in a lot of ways, but doesn't give me everything I need, and the option to spend my time pursuing others or doing "me" things. And I have a partner to share my fun travel adventures with, for now. Onto Hawaii in June!

Will I Never Be Satisfied?

I just got home from Australia a few hours ago and it was a tough journey. I found myself envisioning Sam being along with me, occupying the seat next to me instead of the annoying men who don't respect personal space. I wished he could be there with me. At home, I ate my comfort food - ramen - and started some laundry from the trip and getting myself organized for the week ahead. I am glad to be back at home with my bidets and smart speakers and comfy recliner chair and even my TV streaming services. But I miss him in a way that I didn't think I would when I left.

This trip was probably the best one yet in terms of us understanding each other and providing what the other needs and wants. Sam gave me so many cuddles and I was so comfortable with him. Leaving wasn't hard because it felt like we were solid, but I also think I had gotten in the habit of seeing him again soon and now I won't see him for a few months. I know I can stick it out for a few more months until we hit the one year mark which is his milestone, but I don't want to. I feel so lonely all of a sudden. It has been okay for me to know that he and I have plans and when we text and video call. Just knowing he was in my life felt like that was enough for me to get through my day to day and focus on work and the other things in my life. Suddenly, it no longer feels like enough. I had a taste of having him in my daily life and it cemented for me that that's what I want.

Earlier this week I was questioning whether I loved him, but now I'm back in the lovey dovey camp. I look at photos of him and just feel an overwhelming calm and love for his gorgeous smile and even his playful frowns. He likes to repurpose the lines from Hamilton to joke that I will never be satisfied, and I don't fully agree with it… I want more but that doesn't mean I'm not satisfied. But right now, yeah, I will not be satisfied until we are living together or at least in the same state (let alone country, or continent even). Is that obsession or love? I don't know but I'm calling it love. I just love him so much.  

We'll Always Have Scotland

Sam has been a little colder with me this week and I feel like something is up. He's been consistent with telling me it's okay for me to see people here locally - that he understands I want and need physical attention and that he isn't here to give it to me. My head takes him at his word - he's never lied to me that I know of or hides behind half-truths or anything like that. And yes, we have a pretty unconventional relationship being that we're on the opposite sides of the world and our time zones barely allow us to connect. Still, my heart can't help but cause me to wonder if he's trying to push me away, to ease me into distancing by encouraging me to find someone locally whose arms I can fall into.

He and I agreed to always speak up when we were uncomfortable so I told him as much - that maybe it was my insecurities but I felt like he was pushing me away. I told him I've tried seeing other people, which is true, but they're not him, and he's the one I want. I poured my heart out to him - I want him to ask me to be his and to talk about our future but I'm not even sure he wants me like that. And when I ask, the response I get is that we're all good. That is NOT an acceptable romantic gesture when I am scared and uncertain and vulnerable. But how can I push him? I've been such an emotional wreck lately - beyond my norm and not even feeling like myself - and I worry that the emotional roller coaster is what is pushing him away. So I decide to play it cool and do what I can to take him at his word.

Last night he never said good morning to me like usually does. He showed online - I hate that WhatsApp gives me that stalkerish ability but you know I'm going to use it when I can - he showed online eight minutes before I decided to message him, and he didn't get back online or respond until 3 am my time.

It makes me upset because I don't want to lose him. But then, lately, I've started to ask myself if he really is what I want. He refuses to put his arm around me, he puts up a fight when I simply want to hold his hand, he makes excuses not to cuddle, and when he does touch me, he often hurts me with his severe strength. I miss how Brandon touched me - it wasn't super erotic or embarrassing PDA, it was just reassuring and comfortable and constant. I took a newish guy Bert to the hot springs with me last weekend and he started touching me the same way. I liked it, but I'm not sure I am attracted enough to Bert.

So it begs the question - why am I fighting so hard for a relationship that is difficult and makes me unhappy so often? And instantly I know the answer. Sam's infectious persevering positivity through even super annoying or challenging times has inspired me, and he challenges me to be a better person. I haven't had that in so long - if ever, really. I'm always the driving force, I'm always pushing people, and maybe I liked it that someone could top my positivity and make me want to be better. But at what cost? The long-distance thing is cute to begin with, but if he's not serious, how long can I live with him being a vacation fling only? And of our vacations, I've really only thoroughly enjoyed small bits, like Scotland.

He had carried my luggage up and down the stairs for me. He had driven us around because I was too nervous about operating on the other side of the street. We had stopped at random points along the road to take pictures, and I loved that he and I both got excited over the canopy of trees and the animals and the loch. It was like we were the same person. We had our inside jokes, too, we have the same sense of humor. Maybe I've over romanticized it, but I feel like Scotland has been the time I've most enjoyed with him. Well, other than our first two dates when he was here in Dallas for the eclipse, our reason for meeting at all. I remember him kissing me after the first date and him saying, "You don't know how crazy you make me." I loved that. And I remember him holding my hand through the botanic gardens, and him commenting as we walked to my car about how other couples hadn't been holding hands. I tried to recall what I had observed to decide if I agreed with him, and I realized that I hadn't noticed people around at all - he was the center of my attention and the only person I noticed. It was like nobody else existed.

But when he came back to Dallas and I wanted to hold his hand and the like, he talked about how he had already "gotten" me so he didn't need to do all those things anymore. That's almost abusive language, isn't it? We had a fight over it. We've seemed to fight over physical touch every time we've gotten together since. And I'm fairly certain he had his arm around me at the hockey game on our second date, but never again. On the one hand, it's a stupid, shallow thing to make a fuss about when we connect on such a deep level. And on the other hand, it's everything. I'm reluctant now to book my travel - I have been saying for a while that I'd go to Australia after Christmas. But I don't feel terribly welcomed and I am not sure he even wants me anymore. Maybe this is how it ends… he'll just ignore my messages more and more until he fades into memory.

Finding Meaning, Finding Happiness

 I recently watched these shows called "Seeking Sister Wives" and "Seeking Brother Husbands" and I couldn't help juxtapose the two perspectives. The polygamous families portrayed are very spiritual and/or religious about their approach to having more wives. The polyandrous families seem to be more about the women bending the men's wills to their own conditions, and is more about maintaining  relationships while dating new partners instead of bringing new partners into a family. Either way, both is about wanting more, not being content with the "normal" family structure. And then I watched a few episodes of "Coming from America" in which American families, predominantly black, move to Africa to seek better lives.

It just makes me think that everyone is seeking this meaning and happiness, and I'm not alone in being discontented. The typical materials on finding meaning and happiness talk about how it's not about achieving milestones or obtaining things, but more about appreciating what you have. So why are so many people, who all seem like they have plenty grateful for, myself included, still unhappy?

I would say that I am especially grateful for the fact that my life has afforded me the opportunities to try different ways of living (within limits, to be fair) - condo, apartment, beach house, desert suburbs, having a pool, etc. I do believe that there is a level of financial stability and having your home set up just right that makes being happy easier.

Where I'm at now in my life feels like another crossroads is coming. I'm dating this wonderful man in Sydney and the distance has been so hard but every time I talk to him I feel encouraged and fall for him a little more. I just moved to Fort Worth this year and have pretty much decided I hate it. I am getting used to it, to be fair, and the cooler temperatures as we get into fall is making it less insufferable. But while I would love to have Sam move in with me, I’m not sure that Texas is the place for me, let alone for us. Sam seemed to like his time here quite a bit, and I liked Sam taking in the sun in the backyard.

Being very internationally minded, I feel like Sam and I could live anywhere and be happy together. He's definitely a beach guy and I've always felt pulled to the ocean as well, so if we were to live together in the US, it feels like Florida would be the best place. I've felt pulled back to Florida ever since I left, and I guess technically since before I moved there in the first place. But I've also thought about moving to Sydney to be with him there. I loved my vacation in Australia years ago, and am so looking forward to going back there at the end of this year.

It also makes me wonder, though, maybe I'd like to try Italy, Denmark, Sweden, or the UK. Obviously, the UK would be easy in some ways because of the language, but it's also on an island and one of the appeals to me to be in Europe is that you can train to different countries. I've never visited Denmark or Sweden so I guess I should probably visit there before thinking about moving. Costa Rica also is an appealing place, but not sure if the bugs would kill me there. Singapore, Thailand, Japan are also on my list I think, although again, I've never even visited Thailand or Singapore, so probably need to do that. There is just so much I want to do! Maybe staying put and traveling from DFW is a decent idea for now.

A (Not So) Touching Story

I've barely returned from my 10 day vacation in the UK with my Sam from Sydney, and I'm already on another personal travel trip. To be fair, I planned to attend Camp Hollywood a year ago when I attended for the first time and loved it so much. Of course, I didn't know I'd be moving to Texas and that a trip to LA would involve a plane ticket. But after moving, I knew it was still worth it to come. The first class tickets weren't that much more, so I indulged there as well.

But this is not about a swing dance conference. This is the first time I've had enough time to breathe and think to be able to reflect and jot down my thoughts on how the relationship with Sam and I progressed on our UK trip.

The trip had been planned even before his visit in July was conceived, but we both were mutually excited about the prospect of spending so much time together after being apart for a long while. Planning the trip was easy - it progressed and kind of developed over time - but we were both very agreeable to each other's ideas and suggestions. We agreed on not "overplanning" it by stuffing it with non-stop plans every day. We had one or two days that would be fully consumed, but lots of other days with one or two small activities planned and options for down time or separate adventures. It was also super sweet that he recommended something he knew I'd be in to - seeing a show on the West End - which wasn't on my Life List but probably should have been.

Some things we kept open; like, I wasn't sure if we would want to rent a car in Inverness to get us to our hotel in Loch Ness or if we'd Uber and then have a chill time at the hotel. Sam arrived at the Inverness airport before me, so while I was at Heathrow waiting to board, I had him investigate what the cost of an Uber would be and compared it to renting. We decided to rent, and it turned out to be a great decision because we spent a lot of our time in Scotland driving around, taking in the views of the Highlands and the Loch Ness. And when I say we were driving, I mean, I had him drive initially and then I never felt comfortable taking over so he did all the driving. He didn't seem to mind, though, he was comfortable on the left side of the road and the right side of the car, and I loved being chauffered around and holding his hand or thigh while taking in the landscapes.

Scotland was my favorite part of the trip, I think partially because I felt so connected with him, both physically with just that little bit of touch, and personally

because I got to see what excited him as we adventured around. More and more I think weather really impacts my mood, and the weather was just absolutely splendid while we were in Scotland, whereas when we got to London, we were dragging our suitcases for blocks in the middle of the hottest day of the year for them and that heat only subsided slightly the rest of the trip. There is also something to be said about the ease of being driven around versus lugging our stuff and cramming into trains and walking here and there. I feel like I was more down for that in my past, but doing it in London just wasn't enjoyable for me. To his credit, Sam did all the literal heavy lifting when it came to lugging my suitcase up the stairs or carrying it over rocky terrain in Scotland. Such a gentleman and a stud!

Even with the connection we did have in Scotland, I tried communicating to him that I wanted more cuddles and physical affection. He promised he'd try, but I didn't really see much improvement the following days. When we got to London it was worse, mostly because we were out in public more often and he shies away from PDA. And that's fine, I mean not ideal if I want more but relationships are about compromise, but the problem was in private he always seemed to have an excuse not to touch me. Obviously not ALWAYS, I'm exaggerating a little, but more often than not it felt like. When I wanted to cuddle at the end of the day, he'd have to make tea and sit up and drink that. He'd turn on the TV but sit in a chair and he'd say he'll fall asleep if he gets in bed, but we didn't have a couch to cuddle on.

To make matters worse, he would make jokes about not touching me or he'd touch me in a way I didn't like and then say, "But I like physical affection," which I pointed out was kind of like rubbing it in that he wasn't giving me the physical affection I wanted. I let him know that was hurtful and asked him not to make jokes about touching affectionately, and he apologized and agreed. I do like how he is understanding and caring, and that he tries to resolve things with communication. I think part of the issue is that it sometimes felt like he wasn't understanding what I was trying to say, but not because he didn't want to. Just something for us to work on.

It was a long vacation and that much time with anyone will test a relationship, let alone one in which its still fairly new and we don't spend a lot of time together on the regular. So towards the end of the trip, it felt like we both needed some space from each other, and we got it by going to do different things on a couple days. One of the days, he went to meet a friend who lives in the area, and I went to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace to ensure I thoroughly knocked it off my Life List - and then I went on a cheeky first date with a Brit I had been talking to named Peter. Ha, quick back story on that one - he lived in Tulsa, OK previously, I guess he had put the DFW area in his location while he was visiting a friend and that was when he had "liked" me on the app, but had actually been living in London for the past year or so. But, he was eager to return to the states, and indeed just got a job and moved back to Tulsa this past week. Not too far from me, but still not local. What's with these foreigners? Anyways, being a first date and not having much privacy, it ended with a small peck kiss, but it did help me reclaim a little bit of what I want from guys in general. (I should mention, Sam has explicitly said he would understand if I see people in between seeing him because he knows how much physical attention I want…)

In the end, I concluded that, while Sam could do better to try to meet me more in the middle with cuddle time, we did have limited opportunities because we wanted to maximize our time in London to an extent. I recalled that during his visit to my house in July, he was much more keen to cuddle up with me on the couch, and even when we went to Austin, we had a couch in the room so we could sit there while he drank his tea and we watched TV. Maybe I just need to make sure I book hotels with couches going forward. We have a short LA trip coming up which will hopefully give us some opportunity to cuddle, but I'm most looking forward to my yet-to-be-booked Sydney visit later this year, because that, I think, will be more like his visit to Texas in which we can chill and not be out and about so much. I still adore him so much, and that's why it makes it painful when I don't get enough of him. 

I Left My Heart at Terminal D

It's been a week almost exactly to the hour since I picked Sam up from the airport, erasing all the doubts I had going into it at the time, and now I've just returned from dropping him off at the airport for his long return trip home. I'd be lying if I said the week was perfect, but I don't think either of us expected it would be. After all, besides two dates back in April, we had only exchanged messages and had video or voice calls for about an hour each week. Suddenly spending an entire week under the same roof and in each others' space constantly was sure to open up some cracks in our over-the-top positivity-based relationship. But we had both agreed that open communication would allow us to work through whatever comes up, and I think we both truly believed that.

Our tentative itinerary had us attending a baseball game the same night he landed, but after the time he spent in customs, and with how tired he was, he was grateful we hadn't gotten tickets and we could just go back to my place and go to bed. Before retiring, however, he was bursting at the seams to give me all the presents he had brought from Australia for me. Bug spray to help me combat the horrid bugs here in Texas, candy and sweets both at my request and because he wanted me to try them, an Australia soccer jersey, creams and lotions, soaps, all sorts of things. I didn't have nearly as much in the way of gifts for him - just an Arizona State shirt at his request and some Japanese treats we had talked about. Of course, the trip had been a gift in a way - I told him I wasn't mentally ready for international travel yet but that if it was just money stopping him from taking leave to visit, I had money, so why not pay for him to come here? Of course, that then gave me reason to have doubts, but we're passed that now.

Thursday morning - July Fourth - once we got the tea kettle and coffee situation sorted for him and we both had breakfast, we went for a short walk around my local park. I wanted to show him the turtles but they weren't where I had seen them last. I had also told him about my neighbor's cats but they were no where to be found. Granted, it was hot as heck by this time, so the aminals were probably wherever they can keep coolest. We did see an orange-winged black bird on our walk (it was a black bird with orange wings, but that was actually the name of it, too!). Even though Sam doesn't eat pig meats, I wanted him to have a hot dog for the Fourth, so we went to Portillo's and he was relieved to see they were beef hot dogs, so he could eat it.

That evening, we went to the soccer game and saw FC Dallas score a victory. They did a pretty great fireworks show after, which I liked because that took the stress out of figuring out where to go see fireworks and worrying about seating and stuff… we just sat in our seats from the game and enjoyed the show.

Friday we went for a swim in my pool. The wind had blown a bunch of flower petals into the pool but Sam told me not to sweep them up because it was kind of cool to swim in them. I wasn't fully on board but I could see his point. I enjoyed seeing the world through his lens, he's such a romantic and gushing with positivity. Except when it comes to soccer… never heard him speak such hard words as he yelled at the TV while we watched the Euros that afternoon.

Friday night, Sam indulged me by going to a swing dance. The timing worked out well, because this was the first Friday of the month and thus the dance was a little less intimidating for new or non-dancers, and it had a live band which is always entertaining even if you're not dancing. I was surprised to see one of my favorite leads from the Thursday night dance there, Dave, and he took me out on the floor multiple times to show me off. Sam seemed to enjoy watching and had no interest in actually dancing, even during the slow dance song, but he went for a walk around the area to get his steps in while I helped lead the Shim Sham and got a few more dances in. He suspected, wrongly, that when he left, I'd get asked more, but this community really doesn't care if you're with someone or not, they just want to dance, and I love that about it.

Saturday morning we left for Austin and I streamed one of the soccer games on my tablet for him as I drove. Seeing signs for Buc-cee's, I told Sam about it and he was interested so we stopped at one when it was convenient to get more gas and take a bio break. He got a good kick out of it, and we just happened to be by staff entrance when the actual mascot came out, so we grabbed a quick selfied with Buc-cee before the swarms of people got a hold of him. We continued to Austin and we found a sports bar we wanted to watch the next game at, but in a distracted moment, I locked my keys in the car. Usually, the car won't lock if the keys are inside but it must not have been reading the signal. I tried the app but it was being weird with the sign in. I told Sam to go ahead without me while I work on getting the app to let me in to unlock the car. I finally gave up and joined Sam at the bar, but shortly after standing there watching the end of the last game, the app said my car had finally unlocked, so I rushed back to get my stuff and secure my key to lock the car up again. The game ended, and the crowd cleared out, so Sam and I were able to get a nice table outside to watch the next game. We had some bar food and beer during the game, and after, headed to our hotel to check in.

Saturday night was probably our biggest "fight" if you can call it that. I was in bed and Sam had pulled the covers off and made a nest on the floor and when I woke up and asked him what he was doing, I thought he said he was going to sleep there and I got upset about him taking the sheets without asking and also not joining me in bed. But, we both talked it out without losing our heads. He had been having trouble sleeping, didn't think I needed the blanket because one of my legs was out of it, and thought he'd watch some videos on the floor so as not to bother me. I told him I'd rather have him in bed with me and that it wouldn't bother me or I'd watch with him. We worked it out and he cuddled me and made me feel better.

Sunday morning in Austin we went for a pretty lengthy walk down to a river area where there were bats. The rest of the day was spent doing things suggested by my lead, James. First, we went swimming in the very cold waters of Barton Springs Pool, and dinner at The Salt Lick BBQ. In between, we soaked up the sun on our balcony at the Driskill, which I was glad I booked because both of us enjoyed it at different times, and it gave us some space away from each other. I especially used it Monday morning while Sam was still asleep.

While waiting for seats at the BBQ place, Sam and I went through the majority of the 36 questions that are supposed to make you fall in love with a stranger. Our answers definitely showed some  differences in our focuses - I felt like I kept answering in relation to wanting to find love again and be with my one person, whereas his answers were more about his friendships and his independence. In hindsight, I think that's where my head was going because I was hoping to get some answers about him and I through this exercise and through the whole week together, and it didn't feel like I was getting that. To be fair, we skipped some which I could see how those would have an intoxicating love effect. We finished the questions Monday as we drove back, in addition to having other conversations.

It became apparent to me for the first time that he not only thinks Taylor Swift's Eras Tour is a wolrdwide sensation worth seeing for that reason alone, but that he admires Taylor Swift as something of a hero. We also chatted about my idea of having a retirement home on the beach in Panama City Beach or somewhere equally as affordable with a nice beach - he agreed that would be absolutely perfect to live on the beach like that. Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico were floated as other potential places. I asked about how to look up real estate in Sydney and he told me to use Domain.com. We talked about real estate values in Dallas vs Austin (and vs Sydney) and he was surprised that downtown Austin has already surpassed the value of downtown Dallas.

Our last few days together were less scheduled and more just playing house to an extent. We'd swim together, he'd go for his own independent walks, I'd listen to my audio book in the morning while he slept in. But for the most part, we were together and the time just flew. I loved watching him go sunbathe outside in his underwear, and wished he could be a permanent fixture for me to gaze upon. We were also a little productive, making edits to his resume, and he expressed interest in learning more about AI and helping me with my fabric business, so I showed him some stuff in those vains.

Physically, I was a bit needier, wanting more cuddles than what I was getting and making my desire known. His physical attention got a little too rough for me, he would squeeze me too hard and at one point he slapped a part of my side that was just too hard for me and I told him as much. He immediately apologized profusely and made me feel better.

He was very sweet on our last day together, and I felt like he had definitely heard me and was responding to what I wanted. It felt so good to be heard and seen and cared for in that way - I don't know if I've ever felt like that before with anyone. When it was time to leave for the airport, there was no fuss or sadness, really, it was like it was just the next thing on the itinerary. But it did hit me when I was hugging and kissing him goodbye. He reminded me that our UK trip wasn't too far out, and I tried to fake some courage by saying, "That's right, see you in Scotland in a few weeks!"

As I pulled away, checking my mirrors and windows in case he was waving furiously at me because he forgot something, his "song" came on - "Too Sweet" by Hozier, or "Whiskey Neat" as Sam called it. It was a song that drove him nuts and became an inside joke a little with us. I love our similar senses of humor and how we can make these little jokes so easily.

I reflected what it was that I was feeling, and what I concluded was this. Sam is in no rush to get our relationship to the next step, but he's also not going to "hit it and quit it." He's shown that he is in it for the long run and his reassurances put me at peace with that pace which is slower than my usual preference. That peace also allows me to focus on things other than pursuing love - like my writing, my futurism studies and projects, my fabric design, my finances, my health. I wished I had had that realization when answering the 36 questions because I think that is a more true picture of me; I had gotten hung up on the idea of us moving forward and hadn't allowed myself to be content with where we are. We're great, not rushing into anything but I can trust him and I feel good with him in my life. And that's why I like him so much - he magnifies who I want to be and calms my anxiety when I'm overwhelmed or stressed.