Will I Never Be Satisfied?

I just got home from Australia a few hours ago and it was a tough journey. I found myself envisioning Sam being along with me, occupying the seat next to me instead of the annoying men who don't respect personal space. I wished he could be there with me. At home, I ate my comfort food - ramen - and started some laundry from the trip and getting myself organized for the week ahead. I am glad to be back at home with my bidets and smart speakers and comfy recliner chair and even my TV streaming services. But I miss him in a way that I didn't think I would when I left.

This trip was probably the best one yet in terms of us understanding each other and providing what the other needs and wants. Sam gave me so many cuddles and I was so comfortable with him. Leaving wasn't hard because it felt like we were solid, but I also think I had gotten in the habit of seeing him again soon and now I won't see him for a few months. I know I can stick it out for a few more months until we hit the one year mark which is his milestone, but I don't want to. I feel so lonely all of a sudden. It has been okay for me to know that he and I have plans and when we text and video call. Just knowing he was in my life felt like that was enough for me to get through my day to day and focus on work and the other things in my life. Suddenly, it no longer feels like enough. I had a taste of having him in my daily life and it cemented for me that that's what I want.

Earlier this week I was questioning whether I loved him, but now I'm back in the lovey dovey camp. I look at photos of him and just feel an overwhelming calm and love for his gorgeous smile and even his playful frowns. He likes to repurpose the lines from Hamilton to joke that I will never be satisfied, and I don't fully agree with it… I want more but that doesn't mean I'm not satisfied. But right now, yeah, I will not be satisfied until we are living together or at least in the same state (let alone country, or continent even). Is that obsession or love? I don't know but I'm calling it love. I just love him so much.  

A (Not So) Touching Story

I've barely returned from my 10 day vacation in the UK with my Sam from Sydney, and I'm already on another personal travel trip. To be fair, I planned to attend Camp Hollywood a year ago when I attended for the first time and loved it so much. Of course, I didn't know I'd be moving to Texas and that a trip to LA would involve a plane ticket. But after moving, I knew it was still worth it to come. The first class tickets weren't that much more, so I indulged there as well.

But this is not about a swing dance conference. This is the first time I've had enough time to breathe and think to be able to reflect and jot down my thoughts on how the relationship with Sam and I progressed on our UK trip.

The trip had been planned even before his visit in July was conceived, but we both were mutually excited about the prospect of spending so much time together after being apart for a long while. Planning the trip was easy - it progressed and kind of developed over time - but we were both very agreeable to each other's ideas and suggestions. We agreed on not "overplanning" it by stuffing it with non-stop plans every day. We had one or two days that would be fully consumed, but lots of other days with one or two small activities planned and options for down time or separate adventures. It was also super sweet that he recommended something he knew I'd be in to - seeing a show on the West End - which wasn't on my Life List but probably should have been.

Some things we kept open; like, I wasn't sure if we would want to rent a car in Inverness to get us to our hotel in Loch Ness or if we'd Uber and then have a chill time at the hotel. Sam arrived at the Inverness airport before me, so while I was at Heathrow waiting to board, I had him investigate what the cost of an Uber would be and compared it to renting. We decided to rent, and it turned out to be a great decision because we spent a lot of our time in Scotland driving around, taking in the views of the Highlands and the Loch Ness. And when I say we were driving, I mean, I had him drive initially and then I never felt comfortable taking over so he did all the driving. He didn't seem to mind, though, he was comfortable on the left side of the road and the right side of the car, and I loved being chauffered around and holding his hand or thigh while taking in the landscapes.

Scotland was my favorite part of the trip, I think partially because I felt so connected with him, both physically with just that little bit of touch, and personally

because I got to see what excited him as we adventured around. More and more I think weather really impacts my mood, and the weather was just absolutely splendid while we were in Scotland, whereas when we got to London, we were dragging our suitcases for blocks in the middle of the hottest day of the year for them and that heat only subsided slightly the rest of the trip. There is also something to be said about the ease of being driven around versus lugging our stuff and cramming into trains and walking here and there. I feel like I was more down for that in my past, but doing it in London just wasn't enjoyable for me. To his credit, Sam did all the literal heavy lifting when it came to lugging my suitcase up the stairs or carrying it over rocky terrain in Scotland. Such a gentleman and a stud!

Even with the connection we did have in Scotland, I tried communicating to him that I wanted more cuddles and physical affection. He promised he'd try, but I didn't really see much improvement the following days. When we got to London it was worse, mostly because we were out in public more often and he shies away from PDA. And that's fine, I mean not ideal if I want more but relationships are about compromise, but the problem was in private he always seemed to have an excuse not to touch me. Obviously not ALWAYS, I'm exaggerating a little, but more often than not it felt like. When I wanted to cuddle at the end of the day, he'd have to make tea and sit up and drink that. He'd turn on the TV but sit in a chair and he'd say he'll fall asleep if he gets in bed, but we didn't have a couch to cuddle on.

To make matters worse, he would make jokes about not touching me or he'd touch me in a way I didn't like and then say, "But I like physical affection," which I pointed out was kind of like rubbing it in that he wasn't giving me the physical affection I wanted. I let him know that was hurtful and asked him not to make jokes about touching affectionately, and he apologized and agreed. I do like how he is understanding and caring, and that he tries to resolve things with communication. I think part of the issue is that it sometimes felt like he wasn't understanding what I was trying to say, but not because he didn't want to. Just something for us to work on.

It was a long vacation and that much time with anyone will test a relationship, let alone one in which its still fairly new and we don't spend a lot of time together on the regular. So towards the end of the trip, it felt like we both needed some space from each other, and we got it by going to do different things on a couple days. One of the days, he went to meet a friend who lives in the area, and I went to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace to ensure I thoroughly knocked it off my Life List - and then I went on a cheeky first date with a Brit I had been talking to named Peter. Ha, quick back story on that one - he lived in Tulsa, OK previously, I guess he had put the DFW area in his location while he was visiting a friend and that was when he had "liked" me on the app, but had actually been living in London for the past year or so. But, he was eager to return to the states, and indeed just got a job and moved back to Tulsa this past week. Not too far from me, but still not local. What's with these foreigners? Anyways, being a first date and not having much privacy, it ended with a small peck kiss, but it did help me reclaim a little bit of what I want from guys in general. (I should mention, Sam has explicitly said he would understand if I see people in between seeing him because he knows how much physical attention I want…)

In the end, I concluded that, while Sam could do better to try to meet me more in the middle with cuddle time, we did have limited opportunities because we wanted to maximize our time in London to an extent. I recalled that during his visit to my house in July, he was much more keen to cuddle up with me on the couch, and even when we went to Austin, we had a couch in the room so we could sit there while he drank his tea and we watched TV. Maybe I just need to make sure I book hotels with couches going forward. We have a short LA trip coming up which will hopefully give us some opportunity to cuddle, but I'm most looking forward to my yet-to-be-booked Sydney visit later this year, because that, I think, will be more like his visit to Texas in which we can chill and not be out and about so much. I still adore him so much, and that's why it makes it painful when I don't get enough of him. 

I Left My Heart at Terminal D

It's been a week almost exactly to the hour since I picked Sam up from the airport, erasing all the doubts I had going into it at the time, and now I've just returned from dropping him off at the airport for his long return trip home. I'd be lying if I said the week was perfect, but I don't think either of us expected it would be. After all, besides two dates back in April, we had only exchanged messages and had video or voice calls for about an hour each week. Suddenly spending an entire week under the same roof and in each others' space constantly was sure to open up some cracks in our over-the-top positivity-based relationship. But we had both agreed that open communication would allow us to work through whatever comes up, and I think we both truly believed that.

Our tentative itinerary had us attending a baseball game the same night he landed, but after the time he spent in customs, and with how tired he was, he was grateful we hadn't gotten tickets and we could just go back to my place and go to bed. Before retiring, however, he was bursting at the seams to give me all the presents he had brought from Australia for me. Bug spray to help me combat the horrid bugs here in Texas, candy and sweets both at my request and because he wanted me to try them, an Australia soccer jersey, creams and lotions, soaps, all sorts of things. I didn't have nearly as much in the way of gifts for him - just an Arizona State shirt at his request and some Japanese treats we had talked about. Of course, the trip had been a gift in a way - I told him I wasn't mentally ready for international travel yet but that if it was just money stopping him from taking leave to visit, I had money, so why not pay for him to come here? Of course, that then gave me reason to have doubts, but we're passed that now.

Thursday morning - July Fourth - once we got the tea kettle and coffee situation sorted for him and we both had breakfast, we went for a short walk around my local park. I wanted to show him the turtles but they weren't where I had seen them last. I had also told him about my neighbor's cats but they were no where to be found. Granted, it was hot as heck by this time, so the aminals were probably wherever they can keep coolest. We did see an orange-winged black bird on our walk (it was a black bird with orange wings, but that was actually the name of it, too!). Even though Sam doesn't eat pig meats, I wanted him to have a hot dog for the Fourth, so we went to Portillo's and he was relieved to see they were beef hot dogs, so he could eat it.

That evening, we went to the soccer game and saw FC Dallas score a victory. They did a pretty great fireworks show after, which I liked because that took the stress out of figuring out where to go see fireworks and worrying about seating and stuff… we just sat in our seats from the game and enjoyed the show.

Friday we went for a swim in my pool. The wind had blown a bunch of flower petals into the pool but Sam told me not to sweep them up because it was kind of cool to swim in them. I wasn't fully on board but I could see his point. I enjoyed seeing the world through his lens, he's such a romantic and gushing with positivity. Except when it comes to soccer… never heard him speak such hard words as he yelled at the TV while we watched the Euros that afternoon.

Friday night, Sam indulged me by going to a swing dance. The timing worked out well, because this was the first Friday of the month and thus the dance was a little less intimidating for new or non-dancers, and it had a live band which is always entertaining even if you're not dancing. I was surprised to see one of my favorite leads from the Thursday night dance there, Dave, and he took me out on the floor multiple times to show me off. Sam seemed to enjoy watching and had no interest in actually dancing, even during the slow dance song, but he went for a walk around the area to get his steps in while I helped lead the Shim Sham and got a few more dances in. He suspected, wrongly, that when he left, I'd get asked more, but this community really doesn't care if you're with someone or not, they just want to dance, and I love that about it.

Saturday morning we left for Austin and I streamed one of the soccer games on my tablet for him as I drove. Seeing signs for Buc-cee's, I told Sam about it and he was interested so we stopped at one when it was convenient to get more gas and take a bio break. He got a good kick out of it, and we just happened to be by staff entrance when the actual mascot came out, so we grabbed a quick selfied with Buc-cee before the swarms of people got a hold of him. We continued to Austin and we found a sports bar we wanted to watch the next game at, but in a distracted moment, I locked my keys in the car. Usually, the car won't lock if the keys are inside but it must not have been reading the signal. I tried the app but it was being weird with the sign in. I told Sam to go ahead without me while I work on getting the app to let me in to unlock the car. I finally gave up and joined Sam at the bar, but shortly after standing there watching the end of the last game, the app said my car had finally unlocked, so I rushed back to get my stuff and secure my key to lock the car up again. The game ended, and the crowd cleared out, so Sam and I were able to get a nice table outside to watch the next game. We had some bar food and beer during the game, and after, headed to our hotel to check in.

Saturday night was probably our biggest "fight" if you can call it that. I was in bed and Sam had pulled the covers off and made a nest on the floor and when I woke up and asked him what he was doing, I thought he said he was going to sleep there and I got upset about him taking the sheets without asking and also not joining me in bed. But, we both talked it out without losing our heads. He had been having trouble sleeping, didn't think I needed the blanket because one of my legs was out of it, and thought he'd watch some videos on the floor so as not to bother me. I told him I'd rather have him in bed with me and that it wouldn't bother me or I'd watch with him. We worked it out and he cuddled me and made me feel better.

Sunday morning in Austin we went for a pretty lengthy walk down to a river area where there were bats. The rest of the day was spent doing things suggested by my lead, James. First, we went swimming in the very cold waters of Barton Springs Pool, and dinner at The Salt Lick BBQ. In between, we soaked up the sun on our balcony at the Driskill, which I was glad I booked because both of us enjoyed it at different times, and it gave us some space away from each other. I especially used it Monday morning while Sam was still asleep.

While waiting for seats at the BBQ place, Sam and I went through the majority of the 36 questions that are supposed to make you fall in love with a stranger. Our answers definitely showed some  differences in our focuses - I felt like I kept answering in relation to wanting to find love again and be with my one person, whereas his answers were more about his friendships and his independence. In hindsight, I think that's where my head was going because I was hoping to get some answers about him and I through this exercise and through the whole week together, and it didn't feel like I was getting that. To be fair, we skipped some which I could see how those would have an intoxicating love effect. We finished the questions Monday as we drove back, in addition to having other conversations.

It became apparent to me for the first time that he not only thinks Taylor Swift's Eras Tour is a wolrdwide sensation worth seeing for that reason alone, but that he admires Taylor Swift as something of a hero. We also chatted about my idea of having a retirement home on the beach in Panama City Beach or somewhere equally as affordable with a nice beach - he agreed that would be absolutely perfect to live on the beach like that. Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico were floated as other potential places. I asked about how to look up real estate in Sydney and he told me to use Domain.com. We talked about real estate values in Dallas vs Austin (and vs Sydney) and he was surprised that downtown Austin has already surpassed the value of downtown Dallas.

Our last few days together were less scheduled and more just playing house to an extent. We'd swim together, he'd go for his own independent walks, I'd listen to my audio book in the morning while he slept in. But for the most part, we were together and the time just flew. I loved watching him go sunbathe outside in his underwear, and wished he could be a permanent fixture for me to gaze upon. We were also a little productive, making edits to his resume, and he expressed interest in learning more about AI and helping me with my fabric business, so I showed him some stuff in those vains.

Physically, I was a bit needier, wanting more cuddles than what I was getting and making my desire known. His physical attention got a little too rough for me, he would squeeze me too hard and at one point he slapped a part of my side that was just too hard for me and I told him as much. He immediately apologized profusely and made me feel better.

He was very sweet on our last day together, and I felt like he had definitely heard me and was responding to what I wanted. It felt so good to be heard and seen and cared for in that way - I don't know if I've ever felt like that before with anyone. When it was time to leave for the airport, there was no fuss or sadness, really, it was like it was just the next thing on the itinerary. But it did hit me when I was hugging and kissing him goodbye. He reminded me that our UK trip wasn't too far out, and I tried to fake some courage by saying, "That's right, see you in Scotland in a few weeks!"

As I pulled away, checking my mirrors and windows in case he was waving furiously at me because he forgot something, his "song" came on - "Too Sweet" by Hozier, or "Whiskey Neat" as Sam called it. It was a song that drove him nuts and became an inside joke a little with us. I love our similar senses of humor and how we can make these little jokes so easily.

I reflected what it was that I was feeling, and what I concluded was this. Sam is in no rush to get our relationship to the next step, but he's also not going to "hit it and quit it." He's shown that he is in it for the long run and his reassurances put me at peace with that pace which is slower than my usual preference. That peace also allows me to focus on things other than pursuing love - like my writing, my futurism studies and projects, my fabric design, my finances, my health. I wished I had had that realization when answering the 36 questions because I think that is a more true picture of me; I had gotten hung up on the idea of us moving forward and hadn't allowed myself to be content with where we are. We're great, not rushing into anything but I can trust him and I feel good with him in my life. And that's why I like him so much - he magnifies who I want to be and calms my anxiety when I'm overwhelmed or stressed.

Cracks

What do they say about all good things? Not that Sam and I are over, far from it, I think. But the fairy tale perfection has definitely shown cracks. I adore him. I'm trying not to be to clingy, and he's trying to keep his independent spirit. We both knew spending a full week together would be intense. I would say we've had a lot of fun, but we've had a few speed bumps and I think we both have had to overlook a few things to keep the peace. We've taken breaks from each other which I think is healthy and much needed.

The main drag for me right now is the lack of physical affection. He isn't much into PDA which is fine, but he also doesn't cuddle me without promoting when we're alone together, and the cuddles that I do solicit are short lived. Many times I've asked and he's had a reason (excuse) not to! I don't want to force him into being uncomfortable, of course. But I also need to get what I want out of the relationship. I think it's just a conversation we need to have at this point, so that's my plan for today.

The thing I've been overlooking is how he questions me and doubts me. It's strange, because I think logically he knows I'm smart and capable, but in the instantaneousness of a particular moment, I think he reverts to maybe his work team lead persona in which he has to spell things out or show people how to do things. For instance, I was trying to get the hotel TV to stream from my tablet so we could watch a particular movie. I know how technology works, even if it's not something I do often. So I tried taking a picture of the QR code but my tablet doesn't have a gr at camera and even zooming did not give me a resolution that would scan. My options were to get up to move closer or just do it the more manual way by typing in the address. I was comfy so I opted for the latter. He saw me doing that but hadn't seen me attempt the camera / QR method, so he tried correcting me. I told him generically that that didn't work, and he pressed that all I had to do was zoom. I told him more specifically that I tried that too and it still didn't work because the camera wasn't good on the tablet and it wasn't scanning. Rather than being satisfied with that, he seemed frustrated. Maybe I'm reading too much into his reaction. But even after all signs indicated I was connected, my apps still didn't have options to cast to the TV. This time he decided to try for himself and he hit a bunch of options looking for the cast symbol to confirm what I already said, that there was no option for casting. So I looked up on my phone what the problem might be and tried that solution to no avail. We never figured out how to cast from my tablet, but when we returned from dinner he suggested I try on my phone and weirdly my phone was already connected, so somehow the connected accounts must have caused my phone to have the casting connection instead of my tablet. It seems like a little thing now as I write it out, and maybe that's what I need to do.

But that's just one example and I think my issue is the compilation of frequently being questioned and doubted that bothers me. Another example is, as we've talked a lot about what did we want to eat, I told him I don't like mushrooms. Rather than accepting it or saying that's a shame like a normal person, he asked why. Why? Because I don't. He still doubted me and asked what if it's covered with a bunch of stuff. I said, yes, of course, if it's a tiny little piece of mushroom in a big thing of other stuff I like, not really a big deal. But when we have a pizza with mushrooms on it, I try to pick off the big pieces I can see and I still get bites that are less than pleasant and I know I've bitten into a mushroom. The fact that I had to explain that, not just about mushrooms, but about cinnamon, banana, seafood, coffee, all these things I don't like and he doesn't accept that I don't like them, that's weird, right? He brought me coffee because it was Tim Tam flavored and he knew I liked Tim Tams. But it was still coffee. I told him as much and he still made me prepare it and try it.

He Stood Me Up in the Most Elaborate Way Ever

There I was in my car at the airport, or more precisely, the cell phone lot, when it hit me. He hadn't come. He wasn't coming. He was never coming. I had put all this trust into him. I had told my family and friends and coworkers about this marvelous guy from Sydney for whom I was head over heels. Yes, Sydney, Australia. And I had told all of them about how he was flying for 14 hours to spend the week with me. I told them about how we made plans for next month to tour around Scotland and London. I told them how we were thinking about additional trips in New Zealand, Hawaii and Tasmania, and basically planning the next 10 years' worth of potential vacations to catch worldwide events like solar eclipses and the Olympics and the World Cup, and how he may join me in LA later this year for the Air Show. I had left work early to come to the airport because his flight was scheduled to land at 3:30. It was now 4:30 and I hadn't heard from him yet. I had taken several days off work for him. And he stood me up. The plane he was supposedly on had landed and the minutes were ticking by with no contact from him. Of course I haven't heard from him! He wasn't coming. It was 1:30 am in Sydney, he was asleep, that was why he wasn't online. I can't believe I was such an idiot and fell for this! I really thought I could trust him.

To save as much face as I could, I hurriedly went through my facebook feed and made every post about him private so that nobody else could see the posts anymore. My Mom had already seen and commented on my post about how excited I was to pick him up from the airport today, but not too many others had seen it. I hid them all, going back weeks, months. All this time spent talking with him, the video chats. We had even gone on two dates while he was here in the Dallas area for the solar eclipse. But of course those were convenient for him since he was already here. He wouldn't fly out just to see me. I'm such an idiot.

And what I didn't tell people… I paid for his ticket. Not only did I pay for it, I gave him my credit card number over the phone. I hadn't seen a receipt for the plane tickets, just a screenshot of the flights before he purchased them to validate the dates and times were good. My original plan had been to make him pay for the tickets and I'd reimburse him when I picked him up, just to make sure he'd really be here. But he always makes me feel silly when I don't trust him. Like, of course, he wouldn't steal my credit card information, or buy a different ticket. Still, I knew the risk when I offered to pay for the trip and when I didn't insist on him fronting the money. And truly, it wasn't the money that hurt the most. $2500 is a lot but I can make or lose that in the stock market or in a real estate negotiation easily. What hurt was the self-imposed embarrassment. The fact that I'd have to admit to everyone that I'd been had. I really believe him…

And he was good. He had taken a picture of the flight at the airport. I have no idea how long he'd been planning this charade, maybe he took it when he returned to Sydney after the eclipse, or maybe he really did take it 14+ hours ago when he went to the airport to use my kindness to travel somewhere else. And when did the airplane selfie get taken? Was that really 14 hours ago? Or was that from weeks ago? It's impossible to tell. One thing's for sure, he had me going, didn't he? The build up, with a countdown in our messages and chats, and the perfectly timed updates and pictures. All of that had me believing he was really coming.

But here I sit at the airport, waiting. Waiting for what? How long do I wait? Surely, he would have messaged me by now. Maybe his phone died… in that case I should probably do a drive by at the terminal just in case he is there waiting for me. Would he be that irresponsible, though, to let his phone die? Seemed unlikely. The only possible explanation was that he hadn't really come at all. No point in checking the terminal, he's not there.

…and then my phone blinged. He wasn't at the curb of the terminal. He was in customs, and it had taken that long for him to get Wifi. Of course… he didn't have cell service here in the US - the only way we could communicate was via WhatsApp (or the dating app we had initially met on - Hinge). I huge wave of relief coursed through my body, although I was still so shaken I didn't fully let my guard down. I did burn some time (now that I knew customs was going to take a while) going back through my facebook feed and making the posts about him visible to friends again. But it wasn't until another hour later, when I had picked up dinner for us and he finally made it through customs and gotten his bag, and I spotted him on the curb, that I let the last shred of doubt leave. He hadn't stood me up after all! Seeing is believing - never again would I not trust him.