The Non-Traveling Non-Food-Blogger Nonner

Look, I am an eternal optimist, and I am seeking to find my forever someone to share my rich life with. This means, admittedly, I can rationalize red flag when I see them, and seemingly always to my detriment. I want to believe that people make mistakes, or miscommunications happen, or not everyone is perfect, and therefore, something that should be a red flag might just be a misunderstanding, or a cultural difference, or a lovable quirk. And maybe I have a red flag of my own - I allow the drama to unfold until I am absolutely certain, beyond the benefit of the doubt, that this guy is no good. 

Enter the Nonner. Sure, that's what we'll call him. (His name is Paul, but since I dated a real live human named Paul, I'd rather not confuse the two.) Things started off well. So good! Magical! How was he single? He seemed so level-headed, so even and cool. He may be a bit introverted but that's not a deal breaker. He loves traveling for the experience. He doesn't have a life list of things to cross off, he just wants to enjoy wherever he is. Amazing! What a different perspective, but beautiful. He was open to me planning trips and he'd be a great travel partner. He is good at directions and his mind is a steel trap for dates, times and numbers. Wonderful - he makes up for my shortcomings! And when not traveling, he was eager to cuddle up with me and chill, do whatever I want to do and give me all the physical affection I want. What a dream! 

We seemed so aligned on what we wanted and our compatibility, and I knew I had a bunch of work travel coming up, so I suggested we meet up. He said he appreciated my directness, but wanted to do a call first, adding as a joke in parenthesis that it would also serve the purpose of confirming we're both real people. He was kind and unassuming, saying if I was open to that, I could tell him my availability. So sweet, and okay maybe I was rushing things. 

We had a call, and it was honestly really nice. The conversation flowed easily, he got to hear me laugh several times, there were no issues at all. In fact, I felt like we could have kept talking for another couple hours, but he indicated we should wrap it up shortly after an hour. I know introverts will sometimes feel drained during high-intensity social interactions, so I assumed this was his energy waning, or he wanted to save some conversation for our meet up. 

And even though he was the one who made the joke about confirming we were human, I had my suspicions based on some of his responses, which were alleviated once we chatted. I was even more excited to meet up with him, but the clock was ticking - as I had a business trip to Phoenix coming up. Interestingly, he also had a trip coming up to Gilbert, a suburb of Phoenix, and it was going to overlap with my trip. He had inquired if I would have time while in Arizona to meet up with him. Since it was such a short trip, and back in my old stomping grounds, I told him probably not, because I'd go swing dancing one night, had plans with a couple friends and would be working long hours otherwise. But I told him I'd let him know if that changed. And he promised to send me lots of pictures and tell me what he was up to. 

In the meantime, we kept texting with a really nice banter and he was so flattering. I'd share pics of various things and he would gush with compliments for me. Then I tried again to test the waters of meeting up. His response was a little rude, "Gilbert, remember?" I admitted I didn't recall the exact dates, and hadn't realized he was already there, and that I generally don't have a good memory for dates and numbers. That was when he told me he could compensate because he was great with dates and numbers. 

Then things started to get weird. I hadn't heard from him for a couple days, which is fine, if he was busy. I was busy, too. I had traveled to Phoenix and had my first day at Luke Air Force Base. So as I texted him on Monday afternoon, I was a bit surprised he had nothing interesting to share about his 3 or 4 days in Gilbert. I playfully pressed him on sending me pictures of anything, and he said, "This place is desolate! You want some tumbleweed pics lol?" 

Tumbleweeds in Gilbert? I mean, maybe way out in the rural part, but Gilbert is a thriving city with tons of restaurants and shops and streets. I couldn't recall ever seeing a rogue tumbleweed there at all. 

Ok friends, this should have been the first glaring red flag. But I skipped right over it. I replied, still trying to be playful, "What? How dare you! It's beautiful here! Best sunsets in the world." 

"I wouldn't know, I'm [usually] doing other things that I never notice the sunsets," was his reply. I don't love that, but fair enough. The natural progression seemed to be, "What have you been doing?" 

Defense, deflect, don't answer!! He replied, "I meant I generally never notice sunsets. When's your dance get together?" 

Okay, I was onto him now. Or at least, I was sus. And I was feeling bold, and still trying to be playful. So I went for the gut punch, but cute. Call him out, but add the lol: "Lol wow changing the subject!" 

He responded, "Was there anything left to probe? Not being snarky, I'm genuinely curious. Figured my statement on sunsets was definitive [thinking emoji]." 

Ok, he doesn't understand how basic communication works. I mean, he is single at our age, so there had to be something wrong with him, right? Alright, I'll be nice, because, of course. I responded, "I was hoping to learn what you've been doing… Literally anything other than not doing anything [pout emoji]." 

It went on an on like this. He pretended to be hurt or not understand, and when I'd explain how basic conversation works, he would express that he understood, would not answer appropriately, and change the subject. "Honestly? Nothing too exciting. I've mostly been exploring, checking out some local spots, getting outside a bit, and trying not to melt in the heat." 

So, another non-answer. Full court press. Use his robo-accusation back at him. "That sounds interesting but vague enough you might be fake. [yeesh emoji - IDK what its called but it’s the face I make when I say, 'yeesh'.]" 

You ready for his response? I don't think you're ready for this. "[Laugh emoji] Fair enough. So how's Phoenix been treating you since you landed?" 

Now I am pissed. Full court press. No excuses. Drop the friendly teasing. This guy is actively putting up walls and I want in. I worked really hard on the response. "Ok sorry I was being a little snarky hoping it would playfully nudge you. But to be honest this is actually annoying me now. I was really hoping to see pics or something of your time here and you sent nothing for a couple days. And then I ask a few different ways for you to share and you keep being vague and changing the subject. I think I've demonstrated I'm an open book, I'll tell you anything you want and I over share. But I want to know you. And if you're not going to share your personal life with me then that's not very encouraging." 

You can tell in his response that he is very good at affirming, calming language to diffuse situations. "Got you - I hear what you're saying. Nothing too structured, just been out around Gilbert, grabbing coffee and walking around a bit." 

Still unsatisfactory. But so sweet, right? Arrrrgh! It went on like this so I'll skip ahead a beat. Without any specifics, I told him I appreciated him sharing a little more, but asked if he is usually this quiet over text, and told him it felt one-sided. He again used that affirming, understanding language, and said he'd work on it. Point being made, I finally let him off the hook and answered his question about the dance. 

The next day, after wrapping up work and texting a little update to him, trying to lead by example(?), I asked how his day was. 

"Fine"

Oh my gosh. What did we just talk ab- nevermind. "Just fine?" I probed. 

"As opposed to?" 

I am furious. Breathe, Laura. 

"Brilliant! Rejuvenating! Hilarious!" 

He explains himself now: 
"I never use those adjectives
"To describe my day
"I'm not as expressive as you. I've very low key, chill, mellow." 

Why am I so patient? I tried again. "That's ok. But will you tell me something about your day?" 

"Help me understand the assignment [smiley face]
"If I told you I had tacos for dinner, would that satisfy your curiosity about my day, or are you looking for something else?" 

I have two problems with this. One, the assignment. Maybe it was said in a cutesy way, but it could also be taken as I'm putting an unwanted burden on him by asking him to elaborate beyond "fine." Also, he never ACTUALLY said he had tacos, he just asked if… 

So I tried to explain. Gawd I hate my level of patience sometimes. Absurd. He doesn't deserve me. "What you did gets 50%. Other 50%, relate it to you, or tell me why it stands out to you. e.g. Were they tasty? Too spicy? Was it difficult to order because the cashier only spoke Spanish?" All fair questions for someone visiting Arizona. But he is a master of defense, not a visitor to Arizona, as we'll discover later. 

"This feels like a journaling prompt [smiley emoji] What did you do + how did it make you feel". 

Yeah brah, that's kind of the point. I told him, "There's probably a reason for that [wink emoji]." 

And then, I mean honestly, MASTER of defense, says, "I'm not built for chronicling my meals like a food blogger. I stay in my lane." 

Do you know what food bloggers do? How much they write? If they wrote, as I suggested above, "the tacos were a bit too spicy for my taste," and nothing else, that would be the WORST FOOD BLOG EVER. 

But he didn't have tacos. He couldn't blog about his Arizonan culinary quest because he wasn't on an Arizonan culinary quest because he wasn't in Arizona. Sorry, jumping ahead again. 

I'm doubly pissed now (but still so nice - why?). "Ok but you say you're focused on experiences, so I'm trying to hear about your experience." I continued with more questions and he continued with more defenses. "I am succinct," was a good (bad) one. I told him it reads as if he's putting up walls, and explained that he didn't have to be a "food blogger" or "expressive" to carry a basic conversation. I asked him if he felt unsafe to share with me. He said no, and pointed to one time a while ago when he texted me, "Thinking of you." 

At a loss for words, I left him on read for a while, and then responded "Ok," and left it at that. 

And then he continues. Succinct my ass! "I don't mind at all if you want to narrate your day if its something you enjoy, I'm here for it. Laura, I enjoy talking to you. I'm not trying to shut you out." I mean, how much condescension can one put into words? He hasn't even met me and already he's supporting me in my flaws, of being, you know, a human being who makes conversation with a guy she's interested in talking to. "If its something you enjoy." I just, I, wow. 

He shared nothing interesting over the next few days, clearly not putting in the effort he claimed he would. But we continued some of our silly banter and hypothetical questions. I waited patiently - so patiently - for anything to come through. I gave him a challenge to try to make plans to see the sunset and send me a picture. Nada. 

Suddenly, and without warning (at least, he thought), I was on the plane to South Padre Island. He thought it was in July. Not so good at those dates, eh? But I reminded him that he had no reason to be jealous since he wasn't even going to be back in Texas until a few hours after we left. He confirmed his flight, clear as day, "Yep 430 flight 12th." Yada yada yada, lots of texting, all good banter, still not giving me a lot of personal details, no sunset pics, but fine whatever. Things were good. 

On the 13th, at 10:50 am, he sent me an airport selfie. I should have been grateful. A picture! Of him! And he explained the close crop because the guy next to him got in his shot. But, the timing was all off. "I thought you were coming back yesterday…" I said. "I got it wrong," was all he had to say for himself. Mind you, he had told me he was really good at remembering dates and numbers before, and had gone and confirmed his flight details to me earlier in the text thread. And the time wasn't even right. Why would you be at the airport at 10:50 am for a 4:30 flight? 

But it was worse. It wasn't the PHX airport. It was the DFW airport. I could tell from the signs. So he was at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day, AND he had no pictures or interesting tidbits to share from two weeks visiting Gilbert, Arizona? 

It was a fake trip. There is no other explanation. He used a pretend trip to get out of meeting up with me. He fabricated the whole thing, AND got his made-up dates and times wrong. 

But I was on vacation. I may have had plenty of time on my hands, but I had no interest in combing through the messages to trace back why I was confused. Just let it go, and enjoy the selfie. He even joked the selfie was proof that he was a real human and not a bot. I mean, sure, but the trip was fake, my friend!! 

After more cute banter and me oversharing pictures and how great of a time I was having on vacation, I was feeling wanting of male attention, so I asked again if we could meet IRL (cute, right?). 

And this is where he gets the Nonner nickname. Because not only is he a non-food blogger, he is a non-everything. Non-anything? Non-all of it, Nonner. Because when I asked if we could meet, he gave me the non-iest non-answer a non-answerer could non-answer. 

"We'll see [wink emoji] depends how the timing shakes out with all the crisscrossing travel going on"

For me, "we'll see" equates to "no." But I pressed, ever patient, uncertain if I told him the specifics of my upcoming Greenville work trip or not. "Do you have more travel planned?" 

More non-ing: "Possibly. We'll see. More importantly, did you wind up getting the matching tattoos?" 

WHOAAAAAAA! Three non-answers in a row and a quick non-sense pivot?!? What'd I tell you? He's a master of this. 

"Another non answer. Got it. Ball's in your court I guess. I'm done asking. Good night," was as nice as I could be. I was livid. 

The next morning, I get a long winded text about how he's so confused by my irrational reaction. Because, obviously, I'm the problem. This blog post is longer than I intended - I was going to summarize all of this - but the reality is too good not to write it all out, so let's go. 

"I'm honestly confused. One day we can talk and banter for hours with no issues, and it feels like we're on great terms. Then another day, it feels like you suddenly have a problem with how I communicate. From my perspective, that's hard to reconcile because I don't feel like I've changed. Can you help me understand what's going on?" 

I mean, gaslighting and blatant dismissive lack of accountability aside, it's a reasonable request to ask for clarity. But I was pretty done-so at this point. So I crafted a long account of what I now realized had transpired. 

"I can help you understand. It's not a sudden problem with how you communicate out of nowhere. It's that your actions and timeline completely contradict each other. 

"For someone who told me you have a 'great mind for dates and numbers' the math here doesn't add up. You told me you were flying back on Friday the 12th on a 4:30 pm flight. Then you sent an airport selfie on Saturday morning - standing right in front of the DFW Terminal E gate sign - and you said you 'got the date wrong.' Even if you meant you flew back on Saturday, a morning selfie at DFW would make zero sense for a 4:30 pm flight out of Phoenix. Now you're using vague potential travel as a reason we can't meet up. You sent no pictures and nothing real about Arizona. It seems likely you weren't there at all actually. 

"I have genuinely enjoyed some of our conversations, and our phone call had a great flow. But when I try to ask straightforward questions to bridge the gap or move things forward, I get vague non-answers and deflections. Telling me you're 'honestly confused' right now feels incredibly indicative of gaslighting when its your own conflicting stories causing the breakdown. 

"You have consistently avoided actually meeting up. If you genuinely want to pursue this, the next step is a real, concrete date - tell me the day, time and place. If you aren't ready or willing to make actual plans to meet me in person, then please stop wasting my time." 

To this direct confrontation, he pulled out all the stops on gaslighting: "I hear you. I'm not going to go back and forth on timelines or details, and I'm not trying to mislead you or waste your time. If that's not something you're comfortable with, I understand. If we meet up, I'm open to keeping it simple and seeing if we click in person." 

There are soooooo many problems here - for starters, it's me who isn't comfortable with lies? Yeah. And let's keep it simple aka don't ask me anything that will further confirm I've been a big fat liar this whole time. 

I wasn't sure I'd respond, but then he sent another: "I can meet you on Wed, Jun 24, at Hop & Sting Brewing Co in Grapevine. I'm available between 4 and 7:30 pm." 

Gotta love that he came around, right? I mean, giving specifics like this really works for me. There's just one problem. I was in Greenville that week. Did he know that? Was he doing it on purpose to prove a point that I'm the one who is unavailable because I travel? I looked back through the messages and couldn't find anything that mentioned the specific timing of my trip. But I probably blabbed about it on the phone, and I have a poor memory for whether or not I told him specifics. So, honestly, no clue if he was doing that on purpose or not. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt, shall we? 

But rather than admitting his assertion that we have travel plans that limit our ability to meet up, I was focused on how far out he had put the date - over week from now. If he was eager to meet up (indeed, he had joked about joining me on my beach trip before we realized he wouldn't be back from Arizona yet - presumably, anyways), then surely, asking him to meet this week shouldn't be an issue, right? 

So here I go, one last time. "I really appreciate you putting out a specific plan - the place and time window work perfectly for me! Since we'll both be back in town this week, I'd love to not wait until next week. Can we make it happen this week? I have a few days that work - I can do this Tue, Thur or Fri afternoon during that same 4 to 7:30 pm window." 

And the nail in the coffin was his response: "I'm going to stick with the availability I sent you, if that doesn't work for you, no worries and we can skip meeting." 

The word "skip" here is doing a lot of heavy lifting. He went from wanting to cuddle all the time, and not being a good texter so therefore wanting to just spend time in person with me, and travel the world with me to "skipping" the meeting part? 

By offering a hyper-specific date a week out—knowing I likely mentioned my work travel on the phone—he engineered a trap where he got to look reasonable ("Look, I offered a date!") while ensuring the meeting would never happen. And even if, per chance, I was able to move the work travel to make that date work, a week out seems like enough time to engineer a new "crisscrossing travel" fabrication or create another situation where he "got it wrong" again. It was never about a schedule; it was about control.

Done. I was done. No response. Left on read. Then a few days later, he had the nerve to bait me into picking back up where we were good, like a system restore back to the latest uncorrupted copy of the relationship. "Be honest: what's the one story from the beach trip that you'd tell if you only got to tell one?" 

I'll be honest. This sounds like a bot. I was with my beach travel companion at the time, and so when I read that to her, she fell for the bait, even though she knew the whole back story. She started telling me which story I should choose. I had to stop her. "Girlfriend, I'm not f-ing responding." 

I really hope he texts me again. Something tells me it's not over. I mean, any prospect of dating this (likely robot) Nonner is over. But, please gawd, let the drama continue. It can't end like this. I need more non-blogger, non-essayist, non-traveler, nonner nonner energy in my life. 

I'm in Trouble

The trouble all started with tickets to a musical which holds a special place in my heart, Pippin. Before I had moved to Fort Worth, but knowing I'd be moving, I saw that Pippin would be playing at a local theater in August and decided that I wanted to go. At the time, I was still talking to Tommy who worked weeknights, so I knew Friday night was not an option for him and I didn't want to do Saturday night in case I was traveling. I bought tickets for a Sunday matinee. I mentioned getting the tickets to Tommy, and he said I could work him into seeing musicals potentially.

When I was seeing Justin, I had mentioned it to him, knowing Tommy was kinda out of the picture. Justin was interested, but of course, I ended things a while ago with him. Brandon and I had gone to Grease together at the same theater, and I knew he was up for Pippin, until he ended things with me.

It seems like Brandon left a bigger hole in my life than I had realized. I seem to be trying to fill it with several guys. Maybe it was just desperation to not waste a ticket, but I don't think so - I was truly at peace with the idea that I may have to go to the show by myself. In fact, when I bought the tickets, I knew there was a chance I wouldn't have a date. I had considered that my lead at work, who also likes musicals, would  also potentially go with me. And truthfully, it may have been good timing because I feel like her and I have been at odds a bit at work, but she was on vacation so I didn't bother asking her to go.

First, I started back with Tommy. I mean, hey, the tickets had originally been purchased with him in mind, and we weren't not on speaking terms. He didn't respond for a few days and then I asked him to just give me a yes or no please and he said, "No thanks." Obviously not the answer I was hoping for but it was an answer. Next I reached out to Ryan and we started talking again. I mentioned the show to him and he said it would be out of his comfort zone and ultimately decided he wasn't interested right now. Not going to lie, I'm a little surprised he didn't want to go based on how he pretends to worship me, but there's obviously something off about him and this is just one more example of that I think. I also reached out to Kevin back in LA, even though he wouldn't be able to come out here for the show, but it felt nice to get attention from him. I still wish he hadn't messed everything up; he could be living with me here and we could be a happy couple had he not gone and done what he did.

Running out of options, I begrudgingly opened up that stupid dating app. There had been a like on there to which I had never responded - Peter. He didn't have a ton of information about him, and his pictures were so different. In some pictures, he was more clean shaven and I'd say cute, but he reminded me of the Nate character in Ted Lasso who ends up being kind of a bad guy, and I think I had a hard time getting over that. With facial hair, I'd say he was downright hot. I decided to respond to him. Turns out he's British and presently in the UK visiting family, which is pretty cool. He loves cooking and wants to cook for me, and he calls me gorgeous which I love. He seems adventurous and interesting. The biggest bummer with him is that he lives in Tulsa - apparently he had liked me when he was visiting his buddy in Dallas. Why is dating in Dallas turning out to be dating not in Dallas?

I also liked a few new guys from my feed, and one engaged right away. He was simply "J" in the app, and when I asked him about it, he said his name is Justin but people call him JD or J, and considering my recent history with a different Justin and my strange history with a JD, I decided J was good for me. Anyways, I didn't have a lot of time to banter back and forth before asking him to go to a musical with me. I didn't even have time for a first date since I was in North Carolina last week. My plane got delayed Saturday evening, and I got home after 1 am on Sunday, the day of the show. Nevertheless, I took a shot and asked him. He was curious and then kinda said to hell with it, let's do this. He is so good looking based on his pictures, and a young guy in his early twenties, so I gave it about a 70% chance he'd stand me up and ghost me. I mentally prepared myself for just that. Which made it funny when he asked me a little before I had to leave to pick him up if I had changed my mind about seeing him.

It was a strange first date, partially because we had literally only exchanged maybe 50 messages in all, and they weren't very deep, so we were basically complete strangers, and then we went to a show during which we wouldn't be talking. I told him we could do dinner after, and when I picked him up he told me he hadn't had anything to eat all day so I offered to stop somewhere before the show but he passed on that. At the theater, I offered to buy us snacks and drinks, and we both got drinks but he again passed on any food. We got to talk a little as we waited for the show to start, but it still wasn't a lot and we hadn't yet been physically affectionate other than a hug when we first met. During the show, it seemed like he was pressing his leg up against mine perhaps in a flirtacious manner, but it also kinda just seemed like manspreading. I wanted to put my hand on his thigh or try to hold his hand or something, but it felt too new so I kept my hands to myself. I thought, maybe during intermission I can try to make a move, as it felt like I needed to do it when we could talk. I wussed out, and so we sat through the second half with our hands to ourselves still. I was happy to find out during intermission that he was enjoying it a lot. When the show was over, he said he really liked it and it inspired him to dance. We decided to go to Hurtado for dinner since he had never been, and there we finally got to have something of a real conversation. It was mostly basic, but he did intrigue me a little and I liked how interested he seemed in some of my experiences and opinions.

All the while, Kevin was sending me dirty pics like he does, Peter and Ryan were messaging me, and I'm going to see Sam on Friday in Scotland. Oh boy, am I in trouble!

I didn't offer to do anything after dinner, I figured I wanted to get back home so I'd just drop him off and call it a night. As we drove back to his place, the conversation got deeper and I really enjoyed our discussion. When I pulled into the lot by his apartment, I stepped out to give him a hug and realized then how tall he was. He held me sweetly and then we nearly pulled away. He very genuinely thanked me for taking him out and I told him it meant a lot to me that he indulged my invite to a musical. We paused, and I thought he might kiss me but he seemed hesitant. So I went for it. His lips were so unbelievably soft - I felt like I could smush them a mile deep with how soft they were. We had just one peck kiss, paused, and I think we both felt we wanted more, and had a few more kisses. We pulled away just slightly. He said he'd love for me to come visit or go out again, and I told him I should have him over to my place, and he got excited at that idea and suggested we go for a swim in the pool. He has no idea about my pool protocol (usually in the nude unless non-romantic guests are over). He's in trouble! I took the opportunity to touch his arms and his muscular chest, and yeah… damn. I am in trouble.

And I love it, really. I mean, I still wanted to be wifed up at some point and have my live-in boyfriend to cuddle with and plan things with and not have to worry about dating. BUT, if I can't have that right now, having guys give me the attention that I want, is so good. As I drove home I reflected if this situation is even better than being in a monogamous committed relationship. Afterall, even if I haven't cheated on the several last boyfriends, I have been tempted. Maybe there's something to the chase that I enjoy and wouldn't want to give up if I didn't have to.

Not a decision I need to make right now, thankfully. For now, I am going to enjoy just being in so much trouble.

A Dating Update

Let's see, Kevin 1 and I continued to struggle reconciling so that seems over. Kevin 2 ghosted me right before our Las Vegas trip, so I ended up canceling. Tall, boring Brandon actually has made repeat appearances. He's a total bore but we both seem to have mutually agreed to use each other without saying it. Francisco also reappeared briefly, and then slithered back into the shadows. Marathon runner Andrew and I took some distance and sort of faded. I ended things more formally the last time he reached out. Hollywood Justin tried gaslighting me - he's so shady and ghosty - I told him I don't trust him and he never responded, so I guess that's over.

And now, for AJ of NASA JPL.

It was a rocky start to AJ's and my first date. I met him through the Hinge app after changing my location to Pasadena, reasoning that I'm in Pasadena once or twice a week typically for swing dancing. Some percentage of the reason he connected with me was because of my job. I told him fairly quickly that I wasn't actually in Pasadena and he understood. He comes up to Edwards Air Force Base on a fairly regular basis so my locale isn't actually too out of the way for him on those days. In fact, we agreed it was rather convenient that I could potentially crash after swing dance with him in Pasadena and he could stay with me when he has back-to-back days in the desert. Anyways, due to miscommunication or really lack of clarification, he ended up at the Lucky Luke's in Lancaster while I was awaiting him at the one in Palmdale. He quickly joined me though. From there, it was a lot of shop talk and I wasn't sure I would be interested if that was all there was. But we eventually got off the topic of airplanes and it went better from there.

Because there was no food at Lucky Luke's, he asked if we could go to Yard House to grab a bite before he headed home. It was a Monday night and I wasn't too keen on staying out late, but I was enjoying him and had at least a little attraction to him. So I acquiesced, and we ate at Yard House. We wrapped up the first date with a simple peck kiss which was both absolutely perfect for a first date, and leaving me wanting a little more.

His next visit to the area was Thursday, but I also had a goodbye happy hour for an employee I wanted to attend and my last lindy hop class in Pasadena that night. I sort of talked myself out of going to class, and he agreed to meet me at the happy hour. We had a good time there and headed back to my place. We immediately assumed a cuddle position while I queued up some Ted Lasso, and, well, he spent the night and it was pretty great.

It's May!

Once upon a time, I started this blog after a relationship break-up, and in part, to catalog the quirky adventures of dating. I had given up on love at that time, to be honest, which was both sort of sad and a little liberating. No longer did I have to go on dates and wonder if he could be the one, nor did I see weird yellow flags as setting a precedent that I should address. I went with whatever, so long as it didn't cross a hard line for me, and let the ridiculousness unfold. It was funny the bizarre things my dates would subject me to, and I considered it my duty to share it with the world, or at least document it for my future amusement, on this blog.

Then, the unexpected happened. I found a guy who wasn't ridiculous or bizarre. We had an instant mutual attraction and neither of us wasted a second dancing around our feelings towards one another. He seemed to be nearly perfect by my definition - tall, liked musicals, football, basketball and swing dancing - a rare combination. He often seemed to read my mind - mentioning his desire to go to massage school, for example - I had told my roommate I would love to find a guy who wanted to study massage, I'd pay for his schooling if it meant massages for life. I had some hesitations about him - I mean, I just recently given up on love - and I was worried he might fall harder for me than I for him, and I'd break his heart. But I rationalized that I had hesitated too often before, and the window of opportunity seemed to have passed, and I didn’t want to repeat that mistake. So we dove headfirst into a nearly 10 year relationship.

We had a very long, happy "honeymoon" phase - we rarely fought and we loved doing everything together all the time. We had amazing adventures and were the envy of our friends on facebook. As I met his family, they would always comment that they felt they knew me already from facebook. And the rest is history…

Fast forward to around 2021 - 2022. The relationship had soured. He said some things I could not get passed. I was frustrated with him. We still did fun things, but we were fighting a lot. It felt to me that he had become spoiled by my supporting him financially as he supported me in other ways through a number of geographic moves for my job. While I stand by my decision to do so, I think it changed our dynamic in his mind, and he became a different person. We tried addressing things, and he claimed to be committed to fixing what was broken, but now I see he was already too gone. A few specific incidents made it very apparent that we were not working, and I knew we had to end things.

With such a long time put into our relationship, I felt I owed it to him to end things amicably. That was I tried to do. To my surprise, 10 years of hate and bizarre accusations spewed out of him until I didn't ever want to see his face again. Cheating, really? He thought this was about me seeing someone else. But like Ingrid Andress' song, "I Think You're Seeing Someone Else", actually I was seeing someone else. I was holding onto the instant love and perfect chemistry of years ago. He had become someone different without my realizing it. Not better, like in the song. No, I had become more financially stable and more grounded, he seemed to have diverted and gone backwards. He was blaming me for him not finishing college or having a career, villainizing me with this made up affair he thought I had been having for 10 years, even bringing up my last boyfriend and accusing me of cheating on him, acting like I didn't make every geographic move with his concurrence, and on and on. I didn't know what to make of it at the time. Later, when I found his OnlyFans subscriptions, things started to click that he was projecting his guilt onto me and hoping I was cheating. Then I did what should have been a bad idea - looked through old videos and photos of us when we were happy early on - and it ended up being quite therapeutic because he was unrecognizable in those photos and videos. It made me realize I had not been dating the same guy for the last 9+ years. I was dating a great love, and more recently, I was dating a self-righteous fixed mindset monster. The man I fell in love with had died years ago, I'm not sure when, but he was no longer there.

That was in January, and as you can imagine, it's taken a minute to process all of this. I didn't process it all well, either. Shortly before Valentine's I read about a zoo that would, for a charitable donation, name a cockroach or a rat after your ex- and then feed it to the animals. I splurged for the video package and wrote a script that cut to the core of the idiocy that was the end of our relationship. Hey, it was for charity, right?

That's not to say I've been wallowing in sorrow since January. I've just not sat myself down and done a lot of self-reflecting. Instead, I've kept myself crazy busy. I volunteered at the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve as a docent and did regular trail watch to keep people off the poppies and educate them on the different types of flowers and wildlife (which I had to learn about myself). It was a great way to get my butt out of the house and hike many miles. I also volunteered for the Aerospace
Robotics Competition as a mentor to a high school team again. I started swing dancing again, practicing at home and going to Pasadena for the dances. I've been doing some home renovation stuff. And traveling - I went to Arizona for the Purple Stride and swing danced out there on my home turf. I cut and donated my hair. And seeking, interviewing for, and securing a new job (still at the same company). Yep, I've kept myself busy, but that’s not all I've been up to…

Dating - so many dates. I wasn't going to do the dating app thing, I was going to find comfort in doing my own thing and allow for the potential for something spontaneous to happen. But one weak moment one lonely evening and I had a full profile, and then the guys started pouring in.

And so, my blog is nearly ready to return to its original glory, talking about all the craziness of dating life. But it's already May!! I have so much to catch up on.

I was first excited about Nick - an Aussie who loved D&D. I wasn't so sure I'd be attracted to him based on his profile pictures, but when I met him, instant attraction. Not to mention we had had great conversation for weeks leading up to the first date. He broke it off a few days after, to my great disappointment. I know it was short and I shouldn’t have been upset, but I really liked him.

Then there was Cole, we talked a ton on the phone and texted a lot and then he ghosted me for a while. We never met but still message from time to time. Weird, right?

Jimmy - the jerk - stood me up. We chatted and then made arrangements for a date and he texted me about it that day, and that he was on his way, and all the way to the point of, "I'm in the parking lot," and then never showed. Why are people so cruel? I ate a disappointing dinner by myself that night.

Francisco works at Virgin Galactic (one of the common themes dating in this area is lots of engineers in my field, gotta be careful, I've found coworkers and stuff already)… He claimed he didn't want a hook up but he ghosted me after our first date so I'm going to go ahead and call him a big fat liar.

Then there was Dani, who used the sweetest words in his texts to me, calling me Queen and the like. The texting made more sense when I met him and realized he was not an native English speaker. We went on a few dates and I learned he was Iranian but trying to make it as an engineer in my field - and struggling because he is unable to give up his Iranian citizenship but that is preventing him from getting certain accesses. One night we had a discussion that felt too much like I was dating one of my (bad) employees and I decided it wasn't for me so I called it off. 

Dreamy Jay as I called him seemed very hook-up oriented but he was so good looking in his pictures I was willing to risk it. We talked for weeks and made tentative plans several times that never worked out, and it just sort of drifted off until he created a new profile and came up in my recommendations, but he had changed his name and used different pics so I wasn't sure - I liked him and then he confirmed he was the same guy. Goof. 

There was a doctor named Nick who I met once, and without either of us saying anything, we mutually stopped talking after that. The chemistry was just not there. 

I met KoiGoi against my better judgment, and was instantly happily surprised by how attracted I was when he walked in, but the conversation was terrible and I ended things after. But because I was attracted to his height, I temporarily started filtering on height to find other tall guys.

My tall filter caught 6'4" Aaron. He was so weirdly bad at communicating, I tried so hard with him and I don’t know why. I guess I was attracted to him and he wasn't in my industry so there's that. We went on a few dates and then he disappeared for several weeks and acted like it wasn't a big deal when he did start responding again. I may have acted out to cause a little drama and he freaked out and ended things, which was a huge overreaction in my opinion but probably good to fail fast in that case.

Then there was 6'5" Brandon, super sweet via text but horribly awkward in person. It was not going to work with him, but I went on a couple dates to try and he disappeared, probably for the better also. 

My filter also got me 6'8" Jesse, with whom I've tried to connect in person several times and it keeps not working out. He's a fitness trainer but works like four other jobs and is just too busy probably to date someone like me. But I'd still like to meet him in person, because, I mean, 6'8"! 

While seeing those rando's throughout and talking to several others that never really went anywhere, there have been four guys - yes, four - who I've seen more consistently and hopefully. Two of them are named Kevin, just to make things confusing, so I call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2, and then there's Andrew who also can be confusing as he shares the name of my best local friend, and then there's Justin from Hollywood.

My first date with Kevin 1 was fun and cute - we went to a taco food truck - his idea, and he ordered for us in Spanish which I found weirdly attractive. As we were eating, the spice was obviously getting to him and he looked over to me and asked, "You're pretty good with spice, huh?" And I had to think for a moment to even register that the tacos had a kick to them. Meanwhile he was drenched in sweat and his nose was running. I thought that was funny. My  friend Andrew and I were supposed to go to a show at the Griffith Observatory, and at the last minute he realized he had made plans with a woman he was seeing. I told him I'd see if I could get Kevin 1 to go with me and he agreed. I liked that he was willing to be a little spontaneous and do something completely out of the norm for him. He was the perfect date, we took selfies and fun pictures and he was just sweet and all about me the whole time. I loved how he touched me in public, not too sensual but enough for me to feel like I was his. There was a lot of promise early on, but then he had a lot of drama in his personal life and I didn't get to see him for 6+ weeks, and we got angry with each other. We reconciled a couple weeks later, and have gone out a few times since. Of all the guys I'm seeing right now, he's the one I have the most feelings for and most hope for, but there's that lingering drama that threatens it. We're planning a weekend getaway to Las Vegas in June. I may or may not have bought a $1000 bottle of tequila he wanted. What is wrong with me?

Dating Kevin 2 is wild. I thought he was pretty innocent and over-achiever, goody-two-shoes type, but once he let down his guard I found a very emo, anti-establishment, anti-everything, party animal. It first came out on St Patrick's Day with Andrew and his woman friend, and got really ugly the next day at the zoo when he said all these animals should kill themselves rather than be locked up for people to look at them. I told him that day that I was never going to take him out anywhere again, and he apologized, but I've held true to that. I still spend time with him in private, but I don't really see it going anywhere. He's great to cuddle up for a movie though.

Andrew just completed his third marathon, has a cute dog and a busted truck. He works for his grandma as an accountant. He's usually down for anything I suggest, but his personal life drama prevents him sometimes. I think early on he was intimidated by my profession and was trying to impress me, and since then he's calmed down and our conversations flow really well.

If anyone accused me of having a type, Justin would break that mold. He's the epitome of Hollywood, but we have a great time when we're together even though we have almost nothing in common. He calls me "boo" and we just really click. The distance makes it hard to see each other regularly, but we make it work from time to time.

So I think that kind of catches us up. I still can't believe it's May already. I start my new job in a couple weeks, although truth be told my new manager is sucking me in as fast as he can. I'm so completely sad to be leaving my team. I wasn't going to accept the job because of them. It was a surprise to me, when I tried to write my decline letter, I talked myself into accepting because the new manager has done so much to make me feel valued, and my current manager and director were so luke warm about losing me. I didn't think being valued mattered that much to me, until it was clear.

Besides my very busy dating life, I've mostly been trying to live up to my four principles for 2023, which I've summed up on my letterboard as: live intentionally, (re-)connect deeply, get outdoors and 'into' space, and create ease. It's been an adjustment to be single again, but I know its for the best - he made it very easy to not have second thoughts - and I'm just figuring out how to find myself again.