Finding Meaning, Finding Happiness

 I recently watched these shows called "Seeking Sister Wives" and "Seeking Brother Husbands" and I couldn't help juxtapose the two perspectives. The polygamous families portrayed are very spiritual and/or religious about their approach to having more wives. The polyandrous families seem to be more about the women bending the men's wills to their own conditions, and is more about maintaining  relationships while dating new partners instead of bringing new partners into a family. Either way, both is about wanting more, not being content with the "normal" family structure. And then I watched a few episodes of "Coming from America" in which American families, predominantly black, move to Africa to seek better lives.

It just makes me think that everyone is seeking this meaning and happiness, and I'm not alone in being discontented. The typical materials on finding meaning and happiness talk about how it's not about achieving milestones or obtaining things, but more about appreciating what you have. So why are so many people, who all seem like they have plenty grateful for, myself included, still unhappy?

I would say that I am especially grateful for the fact that my life has afforded me the opportunities to try different ways of living (within limits, to be fair) - condo, apartment, beach house, desert suburbs, having a pool, etc. I do believe that there is a level of financial stability and having your home set up just right that makes being happy easier.

Where I'm at now in my life feels like another crossroads is coming. I'm dating this wonderful man in Sydney and the distance has been so hard but every time I talk to him I feel encouraged and fall for him a little more. I just moved to Fort Worth this year and have pretty much decided I hate it. I am getting used to it, to be fair, and the cooler temperatures as we get into fall is making it less insufferable. But while I would love to have Sam move in with me, I’m not sure that Texas is the place for me, let alone for us. Sam seemed to like his time here quite a bit, and I liked Sam taking in the sun in the backyard.

Being very internationally minded, I feel like Sam and I could live anywhere and be happy together. He's definitely a beach guy and I've always felt pulled to the ocean as well, so if we were to live together in the US, it feels like Florida would be the best place. I've felt pulled back to Florida ever since I left, and I guess technically since before I moved there in the first place. But I've also thought about moving to Sydney to be with him there. I loved my vacation in Australia years ago, and am so looking forward to going back there at the end of this year.

It also makes me wonder, though, maybe I'd like to try Italy, Denmark, Sweden, or the UK. Obviously, the UK would be easy in some ways because of the language, but it's also on an island and one of the appeals to me to be in Europe is that you can train to different countries. I've never visited Denmark or Sweden so I guess I should probably visit there before thinking about moving. Costa Rica also is an appealing place, but not sure if the bugs would kill me there. Singapore, Thailand, Japan are also on my list I think, although again, I've never even visited Thailand or Singapore, so probably need to do that. There is just so much I want to do! Maybe staying put and traveling from DFW is a decent idea for now.

Sleep Deprived or Depressed

 I have been in a lull with my work and my recent review was a pretty strong testament to that. My boss was amazingly crafty in delivering an appreciative message while expressing the things I need to work on, and I felt like I had disappointed him and let myself down. I've known that I likely have sleep apnea for quite a while, but in Hawaii having my family reject even sleeping in the same room as me kind of irritated me to the point of deciding I have to deal with it. Well, life has been busy, but I finally decided to pursue a sleep study.

I have this weird anxiety about making phone calls or answering the phone, so it takes me some mental energy to prepare for making phone calls. So this process is a little hard for me. First, I tried calling the sleep center directly, but they said I would need a referral from a primary care doctor - which I don't have. So then I tried Teledoc, thinking that there wasn't anything a doctor would need to examine me physically for, so I hoped I could get the referral that way. I was very frustrated to find out that the doctor took the appointment knowing that's what I wanted but couldn't give me a referral. So I ended up turning it into renewing my asthma inhaler so at least I'd get something out of the fact that I had to pay for the Teladoc appointment. So, I finally researched a good doctor and made an appointment.

I have to say, not only was I seen quickly which is always nice, but the doctor immediately made me feel like she cared and was going to help me get the care I needed. When I explained to her both my sleep issues and my emotional challenges, she connected the two and explained how the lack of sleep puts my body into fight or flight mode and constantly stresses out my body even if I don't feel stressed. It was such a relief to know that maybe there's nothing wrong with me mentally, it's just a health condition which I have no control over. I even brought up being overweight and she said that when you're suffering from lack of sleep then it's much harder to make good eating choices and have the energy to work out. Not only that, but that stress on your body puts you into starvation mode and conserves fat, which could relate to why I've felt that my metabolism is broken. So, it seems like maybe this sleep problem is more than just annoying my family - it's been making my life much harder and hurting my health. I felt so seen and heard.

The doctor did ask me a number of pointed questions relating to mental illness to determine if I was depressed, and she asked directly if I was depressed. I wasn't totally truthful in my answers, knowing that affirmative answers may lead to a depression diagnosis or suspicion or whatever. I didn't want to go down that path because I don't believe it's true of me. But afterwards, it made me wonder why I was so guarded about it. Is it the stigma? Or denial? I mean, I have been in a rut lately and disengaged with my work which I usually love. On paper, my life is pretty damn great, and I'm still discontent. Maybe I am depressed? But I think it's easy to feel like that if I'm tired, too, and it's taken me this long to get to pursuing a sleep study, I think I'll see if that solves some problems and go from there.

I Cry

 It happened again today. I knew it was coming for weeks. My midyear review. Yes, I know it's September. My poor boss was probably dreading it and figuring out how to deliver both complimentary and constructive feedback without making me cry. And to be fair, we did get through that part without the waterworks. I held it together and he delivered my review well. It was when he asked me to give him feedback, which I had been thinking about for a few weeks knowing it was coming. And I knew I would cry before I started, and before I started, I started to cry. My boss is awesome. He asked if I felt safe and I told him I did. I wish I could explain to him, to myself, and preferably, not have to explain.


Times when I cry:
When I don't feel like my opinion or viewpoint is being heard. I don't require agreement, just understanding, and when I don't get that, I tear up.
When I feel seen and deeply appreciated.
When I appreciate others deeply.
When strangers get engaged to marry.
When people get fiery and angry about something that I also am frustrated with.
When someone talks about the end of life.
When literally anyone on TV cries for any reason.
When someone I respect pays me a very flattering compliment.
When I have to give constructive feedback to my manager. Doesn't matter if I feel safe or not with him/her, if I have to give feedback and tear up and ugly cry. Even the thought of giving feedback to my manager makes me cry, so saying that I don't have feedback wouldn't even prevent the tears.
When someone I care about is going through a hard time.
When I think about how I can't get control of my crying.
When my favorite TV show ends. Even re-watching the last episode of The Big Bang Theory makes me cry. Every. Time. Coming to the end of Ted Lasso wrecked me.


Possible explanations from my childhood:

I think I used to have anger management issues - this is junior high to high school era - I would literally hit people and beat them up if I felt I had to when they (emotionally) hurt me or threatened to do so. I got suspended from junior high for beating up a friend because she was going to give the guy I liked a note about how I liked him. I became a baptized Christian that weekend and maybe changed my behavior as a result but I think I may have bottled up my anger. Nevertheless, I still beat up people (boys especially) in high school from time to time - I just never got in trouble for it because they were too embarrassed to admit that a girl had beaten them up. Even in college I hit my boyfriend once when he said something that made me mad. He reacted pretty severely and I realized I couldn't do that to someone I cared about, and I don't think I've done that since, although I do think I've been tempted once or twice. I think usually those feelings turn into tears now.

I also used to be a spoiled brat and maybe crying was how I found to get my way. But that doesn't explain why I cry so profusely when something positive is happening like receiving a compliment.

As a young adult, I remember realizing that I had little to zero empathy for people. I didn't like it and realized it was wrong, and so I worked at it. I worry now, though, that I did too good of a job and I have so much empathy that I can't separate myself from others' strong emotions, good and bad. Take, for example, the issue of gay marriage. I grew up Christian and formed the belief that homosexuality was a choice to be sinful, and therefore was against gay marriage. Then one day I sort of flipped my thinking by rationalizing that I am living in sin by sleeping with a man and not being married, and so if my sin was socially acceptable and legal, maybe gay marriage should also be. Over time, that rationalization was needed less and less and I just started to accept the idea that love is love and that being gay isn't really a choice, etc. I think I've been open to asking about different situations and trying to understand people where they're at, not judge them against the standards I have for myself with my privilege and the opportunities I've been given. I used to think a lot about homeless people and how to help them - my dream was to become filthy rich so that I could afford a home with multiple buildings on the property and security and stuff such that I could pick up homeless people, assess their willingness and ability to get helped, and if I saw fit, bring them into one of my small houses, give them lessons for handling budgets and interview skills and give them proper clothing for the interviews and a ride to the interviews and ideally get them into a place where they have a good job and can get their own place and all that. Then I saw a TED Talk called, "Poverty isn't a lack of character; it's a lack of cash" and my mind was blown. I read his book and then went down this whole rabbit hole to learn about UBI (Universal Basic Income) and supporting Andrew Yang's run for the Presidency because he was pushing a UBI agenda (among other great policies - that guy would have been so good had he had a chance). Somewhere in there I also watched a handful of documentaries about the homeless in California and many of them actually didn't want to be "helped" in the way that I was thinking. Many of the people interviewed preferred their homeless lifestyle. They were rebelling against the cultural norms of success or whatever. They found a community to which they belonged. There was even a story about one guy who had been given an apartment and he continued to sleep in his tent in the apartment with no other furniture because that was his lifestyle. Learning or seeing different points of view like this has shaken the naïve assumptions I had made when I was younger and I think left me more open to understanding people for who they are and want to be. That's a good thing, right?

But then when my colleague turned close friend and confidant was going through a shit storm at work, I felt stressed and upset and I would even cry regularly in my office on his behalf. And then I woke up one day and realized, what the heck? This thing sucks but it isn't happening to me. That helped me be a little more numb to it but also was an alarming realizing that I was internalizing someone else's pain so much that it was physically hurting me. One could not say I was lacking empathy now!


Health factors
I am overweight
I don't get enough restful sleep
I don't work out rigorously often enough
I don't have a great diet
I don't meditate regularly or practice mindfulness

All of those are true, but I don't feel like perfect physical health would change this. I've had this issue when I was much more healthy, even running 3 miles a day. Stress, on the other hand, definitely makes me more prone, but I'm honestly not stressed at all right now and it's still happening.

A Dancer, an Athlete

Another Camp Hollywood is in the books! This was just my second time attending. I lived in California when I attended last year, and was encouraged by my Arizona friends to attend when I visited the Kat's Korner in Phoenix. I enjoyed it so much that I bought the early bird ticket for this year before I even left.

Little did I know that I wouldn’t live in California when the event came around this year. But, I had my full weekend pass and my hotel room with the pool-facing balcony already booked, so I decided it was worth the flight from DFW.

Coming off my UK trip though, I only had one weekend of down time and that was obviously spent doing some productive things like unpacking, laundry, and packing. Being a morning person, these late starts for the dances - 8 or 9 or 9:30 - are past my typical bed time. Crazy people here will dance until 4 or 6 am and later! That's when I get up usually - the time to which I sleep in even! Add to that the intensity of attending 3 or 4 classes during the day, and the event is just absolutely exhausting.

I felt like I was dragging myself through the event all weekend. The feeling of freedom and having no responsibilities or requirements when I arrived Thursday quickly dissipated into pushing myself to attend classes and put myself out there at the social dances. Part way through the weekend, I concluded that I would enjoy the event more if I had a roommate or a "group" to belong to. Being a transplant everywhere I've lived in recent years means I don't have those strong relationships with anyone from my new home, and I wasn't really included in the coordination of my Arizona dance friends. As such, it was more like I ran into people. To her credit, my dance instructor in Texas, Linh, was very kind and thoughtful to add me to her group chat so I could have dinner with them on two occasions. But especially the last night, once I went to my room, I was on my own to get to the  dance, and the bed was so comfy, and I was enjoying listening to my audio book, and I was so tempted to just stay in bed.

Part of my struggle is definitely the lack of fitness. Our style of dancing is intense and a single song, especially one on the faster side, can wipe me out for quite a while. I sweat a lot and so I do things to accommodate that fact - changing shirts between classes or wearing layers so that the sweat doesn't get to where my partners primarily touch. It certainly didn't help that my back was hurting and is probably out of alignment, and my asthma inhaler stopped working. I'm so broken!

There were other times, though, that I, like, didn't want to dance. It's hard to explain the feeling. I logically know I love dance. I had re-discovered that fact years ago. And there were certainly times when I completed a dance with a new partner and felt exhilarated by the interaction - the exchange of ideas and clever leads and follows, smiling and laughing knowingly. Those moments, I know, are a big part of why I love dance. Having new things thrown at me or unfamiliar flairs that I followed without missing a beat is so exciting. But then I'd sit down and be completely out of breath, the sweat would pour out of every inch of my body, and I wouldn't want to dance again. There were also times in which I was dancing with someone and couldn't will my feet to move fast enough to keep up to the beat. I felt like giving up half way through. I didn't want to play anymore. I certainly enjoy watching people dance, and so I don't mind sitting on the sideline for multiple songs in a row. It just felt like every time I was asked to dance, it was hit or miss whether I'd make it through and enjoy it or whether I'd hate it and wish I hadn't even come. I can't make sense of it. Chalan came Friday night and his dancing is quite repetitive, which on the one hand is easy to follow and doesn't kill me, but on the other hand is a bit boring. Other than pretty limited repetition, I can't put my finger on any reason I wouldn't enjoy the dance. It was just waves of laziness, really.

It also varied a bit night to night. Some nights I was more enthusiastic about dancing and other nights it felt like a slog the whole way through. Maybe it was just a lot - the lack of down time I allowed myself. Which begs the question, how best to enjoy it, should I come again next year? Should I skip the classes, as many people do? I'd say no, actually, because I like the classes forcing me to go through so much physical exertion, leading me to dance with multiple people, and spacing out the exhaustion. Is it really just an extrovert thing - I need to have a more dedicated person or group of people to hang with to shake off my lazy indifference? Maybe; I can't see how that would hurt. I mean, I did enjoy getting dressed with the full space of my room and having my balcony to take breaks on, but there's no reason a roommate or group would have to take those elements away consistently. Largely, I think I would enjoy it more if I was more in shape and felt rested when I slept. I suspect that whatever causes my snoring to be intolerable is also causing the length of my sleep to be less restful than a sleep of that length should be. Therefore, I either need more sleep (hence skipping classes) or better quality sleep.

Several weeks ago at dance troupe practice, Linh had given us a little pep talk about how we were dancers and should therefore train, stretch and practice like dancers, like athletes. I was a little inspired by her talk, and certainly accepted it fully as truth. But while I started acting on the advice, I didn't continue it consistently. I do feel still agree, though, I need to treat myself like an athlete, take care of my body and health consistently and with more than just a decent diet. There is a big question mark as to how to get myself to do this more / better. Getting more sleep and being rested may be the key so I will start with that at the least while pushing myself to do something in the mean time.