Seventy-Two Dollars

 Seventy-two dollars. 
He told me he was completely broke, overextended his finances for my Christmas presents in an attempt to "buy my love." What he didn't tell me was how much he was spending on OnlyFans. You guessed it, $72 in the last month, at least. Could have been more, I stopped looking at a point. It's not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things (and that's probably how OnlyFans gets ya, right? $15 here, $5 there...) but if you're completely broke, it's the difference between having gas money to make it to your mom's place and having to ask for money or steal in order to get there. Yes, he tried to charge our shared credit card for gas immediately after we broke up, even though I told him I was turning it off. I guess he thought he could get one more squeeze out of me. Disgusting. He was throwing his money at mostly naked girls online instead of (a) looking for a job, (b) working on our relationship, (c) working on himself, or (d) literally anything else. We have Hulu, Amazon, Disney+, HBO Max, Apple TV, YouTube Red and cable TV, but he needed the boobies. 

Look, I'm not here to turn anyone against him. The boy needs help, he's admitted that himself. But no therapist is going to suffice if he can't stop lying about what really went down, to others, and to himself. He has done such difficult mental gymnastics in order to re-remember the past, such that he's the victim and I'm the villain, it's honestly frightening.

Let's take a more neutral, but memorable issue: college. When I first met him at 23, he was "in college." But he never went to classes or talked about them. When I asked that fall semester what he was studying, he had "forgotten" to register. When I asked again in the spring, he had forgotten again. I think I had a pretty candid conversation with him at this point, that he can't really consider himself a student if he doesn't even register for school or go to class. I told him it's ok not to have a degree, but if you want the degree, you have to, you know, enroll in school. He affirmed he wanted the degree, and I told him I could help him select classes, plan his schedule, whatever he needed. In the fall, I waited to ask to see what he would do, and just before the registration deadline I inquired again. I wasn't used to his pattern even still, I thought this time would be different. But it wasn't. Since there was still time, he attempted to register but there was an issue with funding. Spring rolled around and I'm at the point where I'm nagging, because I want him to do the thing he said he wanted to do. He successfully enrolled in - one - class. The next semester, two. I then asked to see his full curriculum, how he was going to finish his two year degree he'd been working on for seven years, and he couldn't provide it. I asked for an expected graduation date, and he had no idea. I told him he should probably figure that out, and he scheduled a meeting with a guidance counselor. He came back and proclaimed he had two classes left. Hoorah! He worked hard in some of his classes and really enjoyed them. But he didn't graduate. Apparently his counselor had lied to him. Seems odd, but okay. Let me help! I'm great at this stuff and I love it! I have two degrees, I know how to do this. Nope. He'll figure it out. Another single-class semester. I told him, look, I want to start planning fun vacations, but if i don't know when you're going to graduate, it feels like I'll never be able to take you on a vacation in the spring or fall, which is very limiting. I don't want to be retiring when you're graduating. Finish school! Let me help! Then we found out my company was relocating to CT, and we had the option to go or find a new job for me. We mutually agreed to give it a go, and I told him I would help him financially since it was my job doing this. He claimed he had two more classes left to finish his degree and I told him he could stay back in AZ to complete those if he wanted, then join me in CT. Or, he could look at schools in CT to finish. He decided he wanted to become a massage therapist, so we went to a massage school to see what that was all about - did a whole info session at the school. He never pursued it after that and we moved to CT. I eventually had to stop worrying about his education and career ambitions for my own mental health, because it was too infuriating and draining on my part to see him not put in half the effort I was investing in his dreams. 

Just six months ago or so, he brought up this time in our relationship and said I had demanded he quit school so we could vacation. Not only did he misinterpret the vacation conversation we had, but he had conveniently forgotten all the times I tried to help him, all the semesters he "forgot" to register or secure funding, and the fact that we looked at options for him before moving to CT. All of that was sacrificed at the alter of convincing himself it was my fault he never graduated college. 

He does this with everything! Friday night he was picking up around the kitchen. I saw him pick up my jacket, stick his hands in my pocket where I keep my car key and my chapstick, and he even made a comment about how my pockets were weird. Then he hung my jacket up. Saturday I went to look for my key and couldn't find it, and realized the chapstick was missing too. I found my key in my purse, which I hadn't used all week, and when I asked Jaiman what he had done with my chapstick when he moved my key to my purse, he said, "I don't know. I didn't touch them." I pushed, "You didn't pull them out of my pockets when you were hanging up my jacket? I saw you with your hands in my pocket and you commented on how weird the pocket was." "Nope, didn't touch your things, LAURA." Now it was escalating. I wasn't even mad he moved my things, I just wanted to retrieve my chapstick. "Then how did my key get into my purse?" "I don't know, it wasn't me, I didn't put it there." "Right, magic," I said, then finding my chapstick, I left. Why lie about THAT? Simple, he takes no accountability, everything happens to him, he couldn't possible do anything in his own life. 

The boy has problems. He has a Fixed Mindset so engrained, he doesn't even realize how much he's hurting himself and those around him. Last year, I was so fed up I made an ultimatum with him, he needed to repair our relationship by reflecting in his fixed mindset and working on it. To do so, I asked him, and he agreed, to read a book I selected after researching dozens, to make sure it was the best book, and he was to do the exercises, which I printed out for him, and report back to me what he thought and learned as he went through the book. I told him I wasn't going to nag him, I wanted him to initiate the conversation when he was ready to talk. He never initiated a conversation, and I finally brought it up and he had gone through the first chapter or two and some of the exercises and then stopped. His reflections were weak at best, completely ignoring the elephant I could see. The only way out is to stop lying but it is so engrained in him now and I don't know how anyone will get through to him
 If he gets called out, then he quits. 

Ask him about learning Python. He expressed interest, I set us up with a class to learn together, he didn't understand it so I told him to practice during the week and then we could work on it again the next weekend. When I asked him, he forgot. It's too hard. He doesn't learn that way. 

Ask him about becoming a pilot, or an aircraft mechanic, or starting a food blog for NYC, or opening his own recording studio, or editing my audio book to help me publish it, or any other whim he's expressed interest in. When it requires effort, he gives up or forgets. I encouraged him recently, after he took down a light in our bathroom on his own, saying I was proud of him. He brought up becoming an electrician and I said yeah, they make great money and don't require a degree, you could definitely do that. He said it would be hard, and I tried to continue to encourage him, "I don't think it's that hard, it just takes time and effort to learn." Even after all these years of repeated patterns, his response still caught me by surprise, "Well most things are hard, so." And that was that, becoming an electrian was off the table because most things are hard. He was right and I was wrong. 

$72 makes sense, though, because I've also noticed in recent years that he tries to solve problems with money. This may be a little my fault, as I've been able to support him and life does get a little easier when you're not worried about paying bills or being able to eat. The problem is that he tries to solves things with just money. He wanted to get into shape, so he bought a kettlebell. Never picked it up. He wanted to cook healthier meal so he bought a cook book, but never opened it. More recently, he all but insisted I buy him one of those giant home gym pieces of equipment. But he never once thought to swim in our pool, go for a run, or even lift weights with me or by himself. He acts like I'm nagging him to finish his chores when I want to swing dance for practice and exercise. Money can make life more comfortable and easy, and he's had it easiest of all - no rent, no utilities, no food bills. But he's more and more unhappy, probably in part because he hasn't had to earn any of that privilege. Money is expendable to him because he doesn't need it to cover his basics. So when things aren't going his way, he thinks he can spend his way to happiness. 

The Self Talk I Need Right Now

Me: We made so many great memories together. It's sad to throw that away.

Also me: Those are my memories to keep, regardless of the relationship. His passive aggression made all those things about him, too. I was happy being single before him. Comical, even, to write about going on bad dates.

 

Me: He did make my life easier in some ways. He was there when I got home from work, he cooked dinner, did the dishes.

Also me: He didn't do those things reliably, and it was never enough. The house was rarely clean unless I started cleaning. We'd run out of clean forks all the time. The food he made got lazier and less healthy.

 

Me: We enjoyed spending time together.

Also me: Apparently not. He resented me that whole time. And his laziness often superseded my motivation to do home improvement projects or go out. I've been finding more peace, creativity and motivation when I'm by myself.

 

Me: I loved him so much.

Also me: He was suspicious and resentful of me - for 10 years!

 

Me: I was stupid not to break up with him earlier.

Also me: He held things in and lied to me. I couldn't possibly have known it was this bad.

 

Me: The transition is going to be hard. There are so many things I relied on him for, and now I have to do those things myself.

Also me: But I don't have to go through it alone. And I also had to nag him to do things, which is a huge mental burden that will be lifted with this change.

 

Me: I feel like I threw away a decade of my life in this pointless, unappreciative relationship. Who knows who I could have been with during that time?

Also me: I did great things during that time, and my relationship did not hold me back from those things. As always, I made the most of it, and I came out on top. It's his loss that he can't appreciate all the things I did for him and how I tried to help him. Better to cut my losses than try to make it work with someone so completely stuck on his own selfish perspective.

 

Me: Now I'm the villain in his history.

Also me: I, and the people who care about me, know better. And that's all that matters.

Three Reasons (It's Over)

 I don't trust you - you've betrayed my trust and haven't earned it back. You don't do what you say you'll do, you "forget" too conveniently, you withhold important information because you'd rather postpone the conflict, your actions don't match your words, you show bad judgment which costs me money and sometimes scares me.

 

I don't feel appreciated and I do feel taken advantage of. I don't like nagging you but you often leave me little choice, and you don't even do the bare minimum. You misinterpret my words and actions to make things my problem.

 

What I believe to be your fixed mindset is too engrained its hurtful. I can't live with the burden that you blame me for you not finishing college. The mental gymnastics to twist something so inconsistent with my person to suit your needs is inconceivable and unacceptable in my life. You aren't showing any signs of self-reflection, you see the errors in everyone else's ways but your own.

 

I had hoped to help you, but you aren't getting better. You bring me down, and you too easily get annoyed by me. It hurts to love you, I don't want to keep going through the motions of faking it, so I'd rather you leave than suffer anymore.

Other Intriguing Uses of AI: Envisioning Something New

Prompt: Design a new sport unlike any in current existence

AI: Here is a description of a new sport that is unlike any currently in existence:

    "Skyball"

Skyball is a team sport played on a circular field with a high ceiling. The objective of the game is to score points by throwing a ball through a hoop located on the ceiling of the field. Each team has three players on the field at a time, and the ball is advanced by throwing it to teammates or bouncing it off the walls or floor. The ball can only be held for a limited amount of time before it must be passed or shot.

The field is divided into three sections: the outer rim, the middle ring, and the inner circle. Each section has its own hoop, with the inner circle hoop being worth the most points. Players are allowed to move freely throughout the field, but they must stay within their designated section when attempting to score.

Skyball combines elements of basketball, soccer, and handball, and requires players to have a high level of agility, coordination, and strategic thinking. The fast-paced and high-scoring nature of the game makes it exciting to watch and play.

 

 

Prompt: From Bill Gates' book The Road Ahead, which predictions have not yet come true but still seem likely?

AI: In his book "The Road Ahead," Bill Gates makes a number of predictions about the future of technology and society. It's difficult to say which of these predictions have not yet come true, as the book was published in 1995 and many of the predictions are still in the process of being realized.

Some of the predictions that Gates makes in the book that may still be in the process of coming true include:

1. The rise of the internet: Gates predicts that the internet will become an increasingly important part of daily life and will transform the way we communicate, learn, and do business. While the internet has certainly become a central part of modern life, it is still evolving and its full potential has not yet been realized.

2. The proliferation of personal computers: Gates predicts that personal computers will become more powerful and widely available, and that they will be used for a wide range of applications. While personal computers have certainly become more powerful and widely available, they are still a relatively new technology and it is possible that they could continue to evolve and be used in new and unexpected ways.

3. The development of artificial intelligence: Gates predicts that artificial intelligence (AI) will become increasingly sophisticated and will be used to automate a wide range of tasks. While AI has made significant progress in recent years, it is still in the early stages of development and it is possible that it could continue to evolve and be used in new and unexpected ways.

4. The rise of digital media: Gates predicts that digital media will become more prevalent and will change the way we consume and create content. While digital media has certainly become more prevalent, it is still evolving and it is possible that it could continue to change the way we consume and create content in the future.

Overall, it is difficult to say which of Gates' predictions have not yet come true, as many of them are still in the process of being realized.

Looking to 2023: Life, Nature, Celebration, Empowerment

It has been a few years since I've set real New Year's Resolutions; in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us are just trying focused on survival, making it through, looking forward to an uncertain unknown when maybe life will be better again. The pandemic isn't really over, but we're kind of over it, and the world has almost returned to some semblance of normal, if not a modified new normal which is much of the old but with scars and small reminders of the virus. Instead of resolutions, which so often go uncompleted or forgotten, themes and direction are often more lasting. I often take inspiration from Pantone's announcement of the new Color of the Year, with Pantone's vivid and almost anamorphic descriptions of a (usually) singular color answering the question, what does the world need right now? 

2023's Color of the Year is Viva Magenta, which has even in the name a mantra of life and celebration. Pantone's description of it as the choice for 2023 includes words and notions such as "rooted in nature", "a new signal of strength", "pure joy" and "experimentation and self-expression without restraint," rebellious and audacious. Right now, I feel almost none of those things, and so it’s like the color is calling to me to demand more of my self, my life, my abilities and my vision. 

One very compelling line from Pantone is, "In this age of technology, we look to draw inspiration from nature and what is real." I recently saw on Twitter a prompt asking what the most impactful technology was in 2022, and I without even looking at the responses, I considered it for a moment and was certain that 2022 was the year of Artificial Intelligence. AI has made some really interesting leaps this year; I've seen the impacts at my work, played around with novel AI apps and read some fascinating stories about AI advancements. In a job market where it seems like there just aren't enough interested and qualified workers to do the work, one must at some point consider how we utilize our current knowledge workers to do more, and telling them to work harder is simply not an option, so amending their abilities with technology like AI seems like the only path forward.

Yet, as Pantone reminds us, we want to live in the real world. Technology like AR and the metaverse has not (yet) absorbed us into its hold in a semi-permanent obsessive state, and we're already seeing the seeds of people wanting more, wanting reality, wanting nature, not tech, to absorb them. 

The theme of empowerment speaks both to the amazing technologies now at our fingertips and the sense of choice people have discovered through the pandemic - having had too much time perhaps to consider what it is we really want in life and adjusting values accordingly, make it difficult, especially in the workplace, to return to what once was normal. Yet that empowerment seems to be tinged with a sense of unknowing - we can make our own choices but what if we're wrong? And I think the inspiration of returning to nature provides the safety net we need to move forward despite the self-doubt. Indeed, the closing line of Pantone's description is that the color, "invoking the forces of nature… galvanizes our spirit, helping us to build our inner strength." 

Taking my queues from the colorful description of an otherwise medium-dark red, and my own observations and desires, I wonder aloud here what I should strive for in 2023. Rather than a list of things to do or end goals to achieve, I have described here themes to work on with some specific ideas on how to feel I've grown in those areas.

Life: Be an active participant

I feel like I've struggled recently with how my life has been going, and the last couple years has felt like my hands aren't on the steering wheel. Circumstances have led to the feeling of being defeated, like things aren't in my control, and I lack the willpower to change things or to fight for what I want. It requires much less resistance to go with the flow and let things happen to me. I remember being so motivated, intentional, ambitious and active in my 20s and I think the thing that scared me the most about my  30s was that I could never be that good again. And perhaps I let that fear become my reality instead of fighting against that notion and raising the bar for myself. Rather than be a passive observer of my life passing before me, there are a few things I need to be more intentional about, and I need to get over myself and my desire for motivation in order to do those things. I feel like I lack purpose, but celebrating life should be purpose enough, and especially rebounding from the pandemic, having a home I feel comfortable in and a job which allows work/life balance, perhaps this is the perfect time to take back my life's direction. 

• Buy my land
• Increase discipline in health routines
• Have a mindfulness weekend retreat
• Do that regularly
• Have a blog-a-thon to write about topics already started
• Book/plan vacation
• Complete >1 from room renovation 
  

 

Nature: Go deeper into outer space 

Space has always been a very casual interest for me, and I've been blessed with many opportunities to explore it in depth which I may not have taken full advantage of in hindsight. I'd like to take a more active interest and utilize the local Griffith Observatory as a support mechanism to do so. Starting with, first and foremost, making an effort to watch the monthly virtual program and an initial visit to the observatory to take in the museum and telescope usage. Ironically, this idea came to me when I asked an AI chatbot, ChatGPT, to create a Los Angeles bucket list. Or perhaps it is not ironic, but compelling, that AI can amend our knowledge of the world around us and the immediate things to empower us to be better versions of ourselves. 

• Listen to Planetary Radio podcast when available
• Watch All Space Considered monthly
• Visit the Griffith Observatory

Celebration: Re-build the lost connections

When I think of celebrating, I think of being around people, and that is another thing the pandemic took from us. Technology, especially social media, hinted at

bringing us closer together while they somehow isolated us more, and I have a strong desire to reconnect with people on a human level, even if I don't quite know how. There are so many wonderful people I've had in my life who may have become relegated to being facebook friends and not much else, and I want to try to re-build those even if it means facing a lot of potential rejection. As joked about recently, it can't be Christmas every day, we have to have the lows in order to celebrate the highs, and I want to bring those highs back. I also want to recoup the connection to writing, journaling and capturing my own life, work and dreams. 

• Start daily journal even if 3-sentence recap
• Plan for and stay on top of sending birthday, anniversary, holiday cards
• Seek advice and ask curious questions of people in my life

Empowerment: Create (and use) the tools to get out of my own way

I recently reviewed the ideas from Bill Gates' "The Road Ahead" from 1995, when the Internet was still a fledgling place for researchers and scientists and "The Information Superhighway" carried promise which has largely been fulfilled in ways

any futurist struggled to foresee. It reminded me of how far we've come, but also, what elements have yet to really come to fruition as predicted. I think the technology is here, but we have to figure out how best to use it. Truly, that has been a philosophy of mine for years, and only becomes truer with more technological advances. The better tech we have in our palms, the harder it is to discern between the best ways to use it and the easiest ways to use it, the latter of which is a trap, what many books and articles are warning us against. While Viva Magenta is a lot about getting back to nature and drawing inspiration from nature, I think it also is about carving our path in this world of technology, which is to say that it doesn't have to work against us but in fact can aide us in our desire to connect with nature and being our best in our own nature. That is what futurists envisioned as these new technologies emerged, and that is for us individually to choose with intention on when and how technology serves us. 

• Auto-add/update calendar with activities of interest
• Utilize AI and scripting to hone trends and market gaps
• 3D print some useful items
• Invest in architecture software and education, and design home of the future
• Influence recruiting at work via communications team - consider TikTok channel
• Develop better graphics and display for my Show Mode

I hope you find some inspiration, or considerations, for the coming year. With all the hopes and aspirations, be kind to yourself, be generous with others, and make 2023 a great year in your own way!

These AI-Generated Bucket Lists Inspired Me

A question was recently posed on Twitter: "What was the most impactful technology of 2022?" and I mentally answered almost instinctively: Artificial Intelligence. While AI has been in development for years and theorized about for decades and even centuries, and is far from the Promised Land of AI even today, I think it made some huge strides in 2022 and also made its way into the public's hands like never before this year. 

From AI-generated artwork based on user inputs, AI morphing selfies into cartoon characters and other stylized self-portraits, to virtual AI "friends" and chatbots to help with anxiety and other wellness concerns, articles surfacing of AI bots having self-realization and sharing human-like beliefs, it just seems to have dominated the technology conversation this year. Most recently, however, my employee turned me onto ChatGPT which writes lengthy bits based on prompts, including writing code or blog posts. Don't worry, I have no intention of using it to write my blog posts here, except as excerpts to demonstrate the technology's prowess and shortcomings. While ChatGPT has known and stated limitations (especially that the data is only current up to 2021), I wanted to share some of the most interesting bits I got out of it (so far). 

Below are the prompts and responses I got from ChatGPT regarding bucket lists. Before presenting the lists, I want to share a few insights that really struck me. 

First of all, I've lived in LA County for over a year and a half, and love space, and I had no awareness or consideration of the Griffith Observatory until this list. This opened up a whole rabbit hole for me of podcasts and planning a trip to the observatory and consideration of becoming a member. All because the AI generated a list which I hadn't yet seen. 

Much of the California Bucket List resonated with me, having either done them intentionally as part of my Life List or as part of my California Bucket List to take advantage of our time here. 

This sort of resource could be a jumping off point for when we move to a new location, generating local and regional bucket lists as well as interest-based bucket lists within a geographic region. The results are both impressively accurate and incredibly compelling and actionable. 

I hope these lists inspire you as well, and if you want to try creating your own, check out ChatGPT while it is available to the public!

DIY Christmas: Stockings Sew Easy!

 

I am a little obsessed with my homemade stockings inspired by the movie, Elf. This was my first time making my own stockings and I was surprised how easy they were! 

Briefly, the steps I took:

1. Fold the fabric in half and cut the shapes using a general pattern or reference, such that there are two pieces which are mirror images of each other. 
2. Sew across the white fur on both "outside" faces of the fabrics. 
3. Place the outsides facing each other and pin in place. 
4. Sew around the sides and flip inside out when done - just like making a pillow! That way, my imperfect sewing is concealed inside, and all you see on the outside are nice seams. 
5. Hot glue decorations - ribbons, belt, bows, etc. Highly recommend this instead of trying to sew decorations on. It seemed to work really well!

Since I had so much fun making these (and honestly, am really proud at how they turned out), I started brainstorming other designs I could make. Take a look at some of my other ideas!  

 

If you prefer the original Jovie color scheme: 

More "Elf" ideas (if you have more humans raised by humans):

...and some more because I just couldn't stop...

Okay, enough of "Elf", what else we got? How about stockings for Lego fans?  Get the fabrics here.

 

I've always adored the patterns from Moana! They could be turned into unique stockings for fans! Check them out in my Dress Up Time collection here.

Speaking of Disney, I plan on making a pullstring backpack with my Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout -inspired fabric, but it could also make a funky stocking!Or use some Tivan-style writing from the Obscure Writing collection.

While there are plenty leopard print designs out there, have you ever seen a giraffe print stocking? Me neither! That's one reason I started my "You Animal" collection - to bring more representation and variation to the animal print options!

The Pantone Color of the Year for 2023 hasn't been announced yet, but it is anticipated to be "Digital Lavender". You can be very fashion forward with these Digital Lavender patterns hanging from your fireplace this year!