Ryan >

Dating life update time! 

 

Reeling from the conversation with Sam, in which he is so not committed, including not even sure if he would ever live with me and move in with me, even if I happened to live in Sydney, etc... I just don't know what to do with that at this point, except that I think I need to start pulling back and protecting my heart, and maybe start dating in earnest again. Of course, he's always encouraged me to date locally, especially because I like a lot of physical contact and he's really not into PDA. And, let's be honest, he's been less and less into a lot of cuddles and touching even when we're alone. 

 

Part of me, a really desperate part of me, started thinking about silly Kevin in California. My heart hurts a little bit for him because he was going through something that he couldn't (or wouldn't) talk to me about; I think he was in some sort of home, seeking serious treatment, and I wish I could have been there for him in a better way. But he also had a part in shutting me out, and I can't let myself feel at fault for that. Our last communication was a little harsh on my part but I'm not going to feel sorry for it because he was being ridiculous and he needs to own his part of the whole thing. And if he wanted to reconcile with me, he should have reached out. 

 

Still, I was reflecting during my more desperate moments, how much I enjoyed his physical affection. He was absolutely so wild and I really enjoyed it - even if it was a little over the top. What I didn't like about him was that it didn't feel like I could take him out in public anywhere, because he would be super negative and he would get a little extra when he was around my friends or when he had too much to drink. So I didn't feel like there was any good long-term social life I could have with him. Still, there's something to be said about the need to touch and be touched, in an affectionate way, and otherwise.

Enter Ryan. His profile pics were good looking, and he wasn't too young, but gave me vibes that he was maybe immature. He doesn't have a degree. He works in retail. Basically does whatever job he needs to do to pay rent. Not that that's a problem for me, it's just different than my usual type. Then again, it was exactly my type for ten years, so what am I really saying here? Different than Kevin and Sam, and Justin and Brandon... just different.

 

For our first date, I invited him, of all things, to come swing dancing with me. I was pretty much not expecting him to actually show, but I went along with the conversation to see where it would lead, and I figured, if he didn't show, I'd just dance like I would have anyways. I told him, you really needed to go to the lesson because just trying to fake it wasn't going to work. He resisted at first, but he got the message. To my surprise, he showed up. He was a little bit grungier than in his pictures, but I could see there was a really good looking guy under there. Our first date didn't feel like a date. It didn't feel like anything really. He tried outsmarting the lesson, and quickly learned that wasn't going to work. But he was a trooper through it and through the whole dance and never complained once about it being too hard or being too weird of a situation. He had had a little to drink to calm his nerves before coming, and took a break for a drink at his car. 

 

As the night went on, he moved his body physically closer and closer to me on the seat and pushed his legs up against mine. And when we were dancing towards the end of the dance, he just had that look in his eyes like he was about to kiss me. I would turn my head because that's not the right place to have kisses in my opinion, but I definitely appreciated the attention. When the dance was over, I suggested we go grab something to eat or drink, and we went to the nearby grill and bar place. 

 

I think what I absolutely loved about that night was, as we were walking from the parking lot, he quickly grabbed my hand and held it comfortably like we were old lovers. And then even more so, as we were walking into the restaurant, he put his arm around my waist and it just felt like he was magnetically attracted and attached to me. It felt so good to be touched and wanted like that from a guy that I didn't even really know! He seemed a little discouraged that I suggested he sit across from me instead of next to me, but we held hands across the table to make up for his inability to have his arms and legs wrapped around me. We had drinks and fried pickles (he made me choose) and by this time he was very drunk and a little silly, but the conversation flowed and he laughed at all my bad jokes - huge brownie points. What's more, he genuinely seemed to think I was hilarious! 

 

After closing out, we made out in the parking lot at my car. I liked kissing him. He didn't try to move too fast. He wasn't trying to get an invite or suggest we  get in the back seat or anything like that. He was just sweet and affectionate - so affectionate!

He texted me when he got home. He texted me the following day to say good morning. He was both obviously busy and yet attentive, and the perfect combination of those two. 

 

We decided to meet up next at a ramen restaurant that he recommended. He was not only early but had already put our name in for a seat and said that it was going to be a little while, so he took my hand and we walked around the adorable shopping area for a bit. And again, I just loved how moving with him felt like we were a couple that had been together forever and were still madly in love. It just felt so good, and so natural. 

 

Sitting down at the ramen restaurant, we weren't drinking and had a more sober conversation but it still flowed well and was a lot of fun. Even though we have almost nothing in common, it was really enjoyable and I could see myself having many more chats with this cute guy. He seems a lot smarter in some ways than he probably gives himself credit for, but it's those pesky kind of smarts that aren't easily translatable into academics or an easily lucrative career. It makes me think about the future of people like him, when everything in retail and labor is automated. But in the meantime, we again made out in the parking lot and I really enjoyed touching his chest. He, again, didn't try to make any moves on me beyond kissing and he just seemed really into me. 

For our third time together, I invited him over to watch movies and cuddle on the couch. I thought for sure that this would be when he would make a move and try to be more intimate with me, but to my surprise, and maybe a little disappointment, he didn't. We just had a great time sitting on the couch, watching movies. He had his arm around me pretty much the entire time and let me leave my hand on his leg, and we kissed and we talked. He wanted me to choose the movie so I put on a film that I'd been wanting to see for a while and we enjoyed it together and idly chatted about it as it played out. We took a margarita break and then he showed me one of his Gundam movies and he attempted to explain it to me. It wasn't my thing and I was honest about it, but he expressed gratitude that I tried it. Still, it felt so comfortable, like I could do this all the time with him.

Oh, so get this: He has never been on an airplane! I just cannot wrap my head around this concept. I mean, I work on airplanes for crying out loud! Not that I've ever flown in the airplanes I work on, but still, I take airplanes everywhere, all the time. I've flown - I can't even tell you how many times - and he's never flown anywhere! So I am dead set that we are going to fly somewhere. I don't care where it is. I would love to have it be somewhere fun, but like, seriously, he needs to go on an airplane with me. There's a little part of me that is both also set on him trying coach for his first flight, and also disappointed because that means I won't be able to apply first class. Maybe a short lived trauma, I just want to make sure he has a real airplane experience before I upgrade us to first class in the future. Ha, the future! With him. With Ryan. 

 

I asked him where he would want to fly to if he could have a trip anywhere. He's talked about Japan before so that's definitely on his list. But he mentioned Florida and how he wanted to go to Disney World. It suddenly occurred to me, and I immediately told him about, how I wanted to do my birthday at the Animal Kingdom Lodge with the Savannah view to see the giraffes and stuff from my room. I've wanted to do that for years, ever since I found out you could do such a thing. I already knew he really likes animals, so when I told him about the idea, he got so excited about the prospect of doing that with me. 

 

So here I am, having seen this guy three times, and planning a trip to Florida to stay at one of the more expensive resorts and doing Disney World, because I want to and because he needs to fly. Yep, I want us to do that together. 

 

I have no idea what this means for me and Sam at this point. I'm still crazy about Sam - I think. I worry sometimes that I like the exotic idea of dating him too much. I know I like the philosophical and intellectual conversations we have, and this guy is definitely not going to be doing that. But just the way that Ryan touches me and holds me, and is just so sweet and affectionate and modest, and doesn't seem to care or have a strong opinion about how we are together... I just really feel comfortable with him. 

 

Ryan reminds me a lot of Kevin in the way he physically shows his affection. There are other similarities, their disposition and general outlook on life seem similar, and a few differences, like Kevin's education and career. Yet it seems like Ryan is an upgraded version of Kevin. And he's better than Sam on the physical touch. He's closer geographically. I mean, that's definitely a huge benefit - being in the same time zone means we text throughout the day. He's also closer to me than Kevin in California, too. And of all the other guys that I've dated in Texas, this guy is just, better. I really enjoy being with him. And bonus points, he currently lives with his ex-, which means he is likely open to living with a girlfriend in the future. That shouldn't mean a lot, but it does in light of things.

 

I was going to title this blog something about Ryan being better than [fill in the blank]... and I couldn't really fill in the blank. Sam still means a lot to me, and I wouldn't say Ryan is holistically better. They're different, and that makes a comparison difficult, if not unnecessary or potentially hurtful. Right now, I don't need to choose. And there is a sense of peace I get from knowing that I have Sam in the capacity that he lets me, but that I'm also free to explore others, like Ryan. But there's something more with Ryan that I can't quite figure out how to express. So I left it as Ryan is greater than.

 

And again, it's early. I don't know what any of this means. But I'm really excited. While I've been in Florida, he's been texting me and admiring my adventures and keeping me entertained with his. I wish he could have come, especially given the airplane thing, but he couldn't make it happen with his work schedule on such short notice. But he's excited about the idea of going to Florida with me in the future and I just can't wait. It's taking a lot of my energy to resist the urge to book the whole thing right now, but I figure I should probably talk through options with him just to make sure he's comfortable with it. 

 

What I do know, though, is that every time I see him and I say good night, I just can't wait to see him again. I get a thrill through my body when he texts me. He's not sending me silly 11:11 pictures. He's texting me meaningfully. And it's been a minute since I've felt like that about someone like him.