Manipulated?

Sam is a good person. He is honest, down-to-earth, genuine, and trustworthy. He brushes off life's setbacks and problems, and focuses on the positives - the silver linings.

At least I think he is.

This isn't a new thought of mine, but more and more, I feel like it could be I'm being manipulated by him. I've compromised so much of what I want to get ounces and snippets from him. In many ways, I've given him the world, and he gives me so little in return. His reasoning for why he doesn't smother me with compliments and verbal affections is because he believes his actions speak louder than words ever could. So what do his actions tell me?

He texts me daily. He shows up when he says he will. He talks through things that are bothering me. He doesn't get spendy for food and drinks and luxury comforts. These are good things - they tell me I can trust him and that he is genuinely interested in this relationship with me.

But he also doesn't cuddle me as much as I'd like. He refuses to hold my hand, even though we held hands on our first day pretty much the whole day. We didn't make love the last time he was here. He procrastinated on things. None of those things individually are bad, but…

Now he doesn't want to move in with me. I'm sure I've expressed what I wanted from the start, and while he expressed a need to take it one step at a time, he never indicated he didn't want the same thing eventually. It was always, we'll see how this goes, we'll see after this next trip, we'll discuss it when I visit you next, we'll talk about it after it's been a year. And now to tell me that he is perfectly content with how things are going and he doesn't want to change anything, and acting like he is surprised I wanted anything different, it just feels like something has gone wrong somewhere.

It makes me second guess myself. Did I not explicitly tell him what I wanted? Did we not discuss what decisions would need to be made at that year mark? And, have I given up too much and let him be comfortable with getting everything he wants. Maybe I've created a monster. Or maybe he was the monster all along, slowly wearing me down until he was satisfied with his part while getting everything he wants from me.

So I did what I do when I'm struggling to understand something - I picked up a book. This one was called, "The Dark Triad," and while the narration was awful, the content was mostly good and to the point. It talks about the three major recognized dark personality types - Narcissim, Machiavellanism and psychopathy defined as such:

Narcissism:
. Individuals with high narcissism tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.

Machiavellianism:
.This trait is characterized by a manipulative, cynical, and exploitative approach to social interactions, with a focus on personal gain and a disregard for ethical considerations.

Psychopathy:
.Psychopathy involves a lack of empathy and remorse, impulsive behavior, and a tendency to engage in antisocial behaviors.

It's strange because none of these traits seem to fit him well - he self-proclaims he is intuitive about people, which seems to be a stronger degree of empathy the way he describes it. And I've seen that in action to my utter amazement! It was as we wrapped up our first date. We were sitting on the sofa in my hotel room where as I was temporarily housed for my job, and I was wrapped up in a glorious cuddle with him, facing away. And it occurred to me suddenly that he'd be gone in a few days, and that made me so sad because things were going so well. I hadn't said anything, and he couldn't see my face. Yet somehow he felt my sudden change in mood, and asked me, "What's going on? What's wrong? What are you worried about?" It was uncanny to me that he could seemingly read my mind, or at least my emotions, without any outward indicators. And of course when I told him what had crossed my mind, he responded with an abundance of positivity, including the fact that we had one more date planned before he left.

The closest of the Dark Triad might be narcissism because it does seem like he prioritizes his habits and desires over mine. But he doesn't require admiration and he doesn't lack empathy. Sadism, which is often correlated to the Dark Triad or even considered a fourth, crossed my mind several times as a possibility because he actually likes to pinch me to the point that I react to the pain, and he seems to do the same figuratively as well.

The book then goes into some of the forms of manipulation to watch out for, and many of these were common with the principles in Cialdini's Influence which I often reference: Reciprocity, Scarcity, Authority, Commitment and consistency, Liking, Consensus or social proof, Unity.  It also discusses the difference between regular and malicious manipulation, based on intent, accuracy and effect on the recipient.

This is probably where I struggle the most, because I don't think Sam is acting with a malicious intent or maybe with any intent at all. He has me believing that he's just kind of doing his thing, and its tossing my world into chaos. But if he's as empathetic and intuitive as he claims to be, he certainly would be smart enough to know exactly what effect he is having, right? Or is his blind positivity swallowing the flags of concern. The book also states that you may even lack trust in your own judgment, that your self esteem levels may have fallen and your confidence forms paranoia. This feels exactly like the experience I have in these cases.

So what principles might his alleged manipulation be falling under? Even with as familiar as I am with the principles, I can't nail one onto his actions. Maybe that's what's most puzzling of all. It's like he's asserting his routine, his way of thinking, as a given, a fact of life, and he makes me feel like I'm being crazy when I challenge it or want something different. I suppose he sometimes poses as an Authority himself, asserting that because he never gets sick, if I do something that's similar to him, he assumes I'm copying him because he's figured out how to avoid disease. He also assumed I adopted the exclamation, "Hilarious!" into my lexicon after him, even though I've told him I was saying that years ago. Perhaps his take on using Scarcity isn't to tell me "time is running out" as is the usual sales tactic, but rather, to make the things I value so scarce that I value them more - like cuddle time.  The way he procrastinates is almost like the opposite, positively assuming we have an abundance of time, and therefore there's no rush. In fact, I think he uses the opposite of all of them in some ways. Instead of being consistent with what he says, he changes the plan on the fly and does the opposite of what he said he wanted to do. Instead of using consensus or social proof, he tries to convince me that he's right and I'm not. He actually seems to hate most other people and says things that are almost paranoid about how people will judge him if, for example, he takes his shirt off at the beach; this is also counter to the Unity principle, where he is influenced by groups he perceives will judge him as the outgroup.

I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to document the clear attempts of manipulation and your own thoughts and feelings, as the book suggests. If he tries to blame me or make me feel bad, is it a consistent behavior? Is he preying on me or just asserting his own boundaries (perhaps more effectively than I do)?