A (Not So) Touching Story

I've barely returned from my 10 day vacation in the UK with my Sam from Sydney, and I'm already on another personal travel trip. To be fair, I planned to attend Camp Hollywood a year ago when I attended for the first time and loved it so much. Of course, I didn't know I'd be moving to Texas and that a trip to LA would involve a plane ticket. But after moving, I knew it was still worth it to come. The first class tickets weren't that much more, so I indulged there as well.

But this is not about a swing dance conference. This is the first time I've had enough time to breathe and think to be able to reflect and jot down my thoughts on how the relationship with Sam and I progressed on our UK trip.

The trip had been planned even before his visit in July was conceived, but we both were mutually excited about the prospect of spending so much time together after being apart for a long while. Planning the trip was easy - it progressed and kind of developed over time - but we were both very agreeable to each other's ideas and suggestions. We agreed on not "overplanning" it by stuffing it with non-stop plans every day. We had one or two days that would be fully consumed, but lots of other days with one or two small activities planned and options for down time or separate adventures. It was also super sweet that he recommended something he knew I'd be in to - seeing a show on the West End - which wasn't on my Life List but probably should have been.

Some things we kept open; like, I wasn't sure if we would want to rent a car in Inverness to get us to our hotel in Loch Ness or if we'd Uber and then have a chill time at the hotel. Sam arrived at the Inverness airport before me, so while I was at Heathrow waiting to board, I had him investigate what the cost of an Uber would be and compared it to renting. We decided to rent, and it turned out to be a great decision because we spent a lot of our time in Scotland driving around, taking in the views of the Highlands and the Loch Ness. And when I say we were driving, I mean, I had him drive initially and then I never felt comfortable taking over so he did all the driving. He didn't seem to mind, though, he was comfortable on the left side of the road and the right side of the car, and I loved being chauffered around and holding his hand or thigh while taking in the landscapes.

Scotland was my favorite part of the trip, I think partially because I felt so connected with him, both physically with just that little bit of touch, and personally

because I got to see what excited him as we adventured around. More and more I think weather really impacts my mood, and the weather was just absolutely splendid while we were in Scotland, whereas when we got to London, we were dragging our suitcases for blocks in the middle of the hottest day of the year for them and that heat only subsided slightly the rest of the trip. There is also something to be said about the ease of being driven around versus lugging our stuff and cramming into trains and walking here and there. I feel like I was more down for that in my past, but doing it in London just wasn't enjoyable for me. To his credit, Sam did all the literal heavy lifting when it came to lugging my suitcase up the stairs or carrying it over rocky terrain in Scotland. Such a gentleman and a stud!

Even with the connection we did have in Scotland, I tried communicating to him that I wanted more cuddles and physical affection. He promised he'd try, but I didn't really see much improvement the following days. When we got to London it was worse, mostly because we were out in public more often and he shies away from PDA. And that's fine, I mean not ideal if I want more but relationships are about compromise, but the problem was in private he always seemed to have an excuse not to touch me. Obviously not ALWAYS, I'm exaggerating a little, but more often than not it felt like. When I wanted to cuddle at the end of the day, he'd have to make tea and sit up and drink that. He'd turn on the TV but sit in a chair and he'd say he'll fall asleep if he gets in bed, but we didn't have a couch to cuddle on.

To make matters worse, he would make jokes about not touching me or he'd touch me in a way I didn't like and then say, "But I like physical affection," which I pointed out was kind of like rubbing it in that he wasn't giving me the physical affection I wanted. I let him know that was hurtful and asked him not to make jokes about touching affectionately, and he apologized and agreed. I do like how he is understanding and caring, and that he tries to resolve things with communication. I think part of the issue is that it sometimes felt like he wasn't understanding what I was trying to say, but not because he didn't want to. Just something for us to work on.

It was a long vacation and that much time with anyone will test a relationship, let alone one in which its still fairly new and we don't spend a lot of time together on the regular. So towards the end of the trip, it felt like we both needed some space from each other, and we got it by going to do different things on a couple days. One of the days, he went to meet a friend who lives in the area, and I went to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace to ensure I thoroughly knocked it off my Life List - and then I went on a cheeky first date with a Brit I had been talking to named Peter. Ha, quick back story on that one - he lived in Tulsa, OK previously, I guess he had put the DFW area in his location while he was visiting a friend and that was when he had "liked" me on the app, but had actually been living in London for the past year or so. But, he was eager to return to the states, and indeed just got a job and moved back to Tulsa this past week. Not too far from me, but still not local. What's with these foreigners? Anyways, being a first date and not having much privacy, it ended with a small peck kiss, but it did help me reclaim a little bit of what I want from guys in general. (I should mention, Sam has explicitly said he would understand if I see people in between seeing him because he knows how much physical attention I want…)

In the end, I concluded that, while Sam could do better to try to meet me more in the middle with cuddle time, we did have limited opportunities because we wanted to maximize our time in London to an extent. I recalled that during his visit to my house in July, he was much more keen to cuddle up with me on the couch, and even when we went to Austin, we had a couch in the room so we could sit there while he drank his tea and we watched TV. Maybe I just need to make sure I book hotels with couches going forward. We have a short LA trip coming up which will hopefully give us some opportunity to cuddle, but I'm most looking forward to my yet-to-be-booked Sydney visit later this year, because that, I think, will be more like his visit to Texas in which we can chill and not be out and about so much. I still adore him so much, and that's why it makes it painful when I don't get enough of him.