Sabbatical: Unsatiated

I poured so much of myself into the GKN Florida greenfield site, and I fully bought into the vision my GM painted for all of us. What's more, I was looked at as the informal leader of the leadership team - I was the one the GM looked to for feedback on how hard to push or when to lighten up, AND I was the one the other leaders, all of them with many more years of total experience than me and certainly more years in management than me, given this was my first formal management job. It felt like a David and Goliath story and I truly believed that having right on our side, the amazingly intangible but very real thing we were building there, had to win in the end. It just had to! It was in October that I got my first confirmation of what we all mostly privately worried about - that the plant would have to be shut down and all of its wonderful team members laid off, myself included. I was going to be given a life line, and I knew, as my GM had pointed out in my interview for the job initially, I would always land on my feet. My GM wisely let me know the official plans just before Thanksgiving knowing I would need time to process it. Yet it didn't seem to take the sting off when we actually announced it to the leadership team. I held it together when we brought it to the broader team, but just barely.

The life line I was given was an opportunity to go to a site near San Diego. I was familiar with some of the players already and the prospect of living in San Diego sounded great with one caveat, and I made it known early on - it would be very expensive and I would want to be adequately compensated for the change in living expenses. While the development of the role and offer were slow going, I also happened to have made the personal decision to sell the house I had been renting out in Arizona. So at the time that I was meant to be transitioning to a role in California, I secured over $100,000 in my checking account from the proceeds of the sale. This, along with proceeds from selling my Florida house, would certainly be a healthy down payment for a house in San Diego. But the offer development dragged on, and the clock was ticking before I'd be laid off with the plant closure.

As that was happening, I considered my alternatives. I applied to a handful of jobs in the area, but there weren't many - that was the awesome thing about our site was that it was bringing good jobs to an area that didn't really have them. So much for that! The other thought I had was, honestly, I was so tired, and with six figures in my bank account, living where the cost of living is quite low, I could easily coast without a job for over a year, probably 18 months to 2 years. So I started to seriously consider taking a year off which would still give me time to find a job before I ran out of funds. I would decompress and enjoy days at the beach. I would focus more on my health. We would visit Disney World more. We would travel. It sounded so good and was so within reach.

Having leverage - like 2 years worth of expenses in my back account - made it easy to turn down the initial offer that came from California. It was so far from the number I had in my head that it didn't feel worth negotiating because meeting in the middle would not suffice. I joke that my response was the "No heard round the world," because I was very quickly getting calls from multiple higher ups including the VP as to why I turned down the offer. My response to the question, "Don't you need a job?" Was, no, I don't. I have money to last me two years here and a sabbatical sounded really nice. If they couldn't make it worth my while, then I wouldn't move. 

One of the things on my Life List was to take a cruise through the Panama Canal, but that is challenging because it requires a lot of time and money and most people in their working years don't have that kind of time and money. But here I was having seemingly all the time in the world and plenty of money. So I booked the cruise, not knowing if it would be the start of my sabbatical or if GKN would come through with an acceptable offer for me to take, but my start date would have to wait. I needed at least this.

A talk with my Dad also scared me from the idea of a sabbatical. He pointed out that  companies often prefer to hire people who are currently working and being laid off from my last job a year ago wouldn't look too good. In the end, GKN did get me an acceptable offer, and I set my start date to be after I returned from the cruise. We thoroughly enjoyed three days in Miami followed by 16 days on the cruise ship, visiting beaches and a handful of countries in Central and South America as well as multiple stops in Mexico. Most mornings I would read and enjoy quiet time on the balcony or go for a run on the top deck, and then the boy would wake up and we'd hit the buffet. We dined at the buffet a lot - it was so convenient to be able to pick and choose since I'm a picky eater and it gave us the opportunity to try lots of different  things. We killed it at trivia, we drank, we saw wildlife and went on fun excursions. It was both a peaceful vacation and had a little bit of fun and adventure. I could do that for another 16 days, easily. He was not so keen on additional long cruises, getting a little tired of it towards the end.

A week later, we were road tripping across the country to bring our necessities, our dog and our snake to California. Once again, I poured myself into my work. At least until they put a pyscho boss over me - she was ultimately the reason I quickly left. We then moved to Palmdale and I didn't mind tackling stuff at the Skunk Works. And then another psycho boss was put over me and I got a life line again, which resulted in me moving to Texas.

At this point, the work I do doesn't feel like it makes as much of a difference. I hold my time in Florida as the absolute best part of my career and shutting that site down was the absolute worst thing. I know I'm still fortunate to always land on my feet, and I try to remain grateful for that. But I'm so disillusioned by the multitudes of bad bosses and what they do to their organizations and how helpless I am to change it, even as much as I am hopeful and try to fight the good fight.

The timing of the sabbatical when I first seriously considered it ended up being bad - it was just at the start of the COVID pandemic and so my plans to travel and do all those fun things would have been severely hampered - so it was fortuitous that between the fear my Dad put in me and the offer coming up to my expectations, I opted to continue working. But now that I'm once again financially stable and feeling a bit burnt out or in a rut at work, the idea of that sabbatical keeps cropping up. I truly probably needed it then, and not doing it weighs heavily on me. Yet, I'm not quite in the same situation financially - I don't have as much runway. I've also been spending a bit lavishly on vacations, almost like I'm rewarding myself with mini sabbaticals, but it's not enough.

I just got back from the UK and thought that would leave me refreshed. But the truth is, I sat there at work a few days back and just didn't want to work anymore, not that day, not the next day, not ever again. It's so not like me. Early in my career, I liked every new job better than the last even though I had thought the last one was the best job ever. That stopped being the case after Florida, and it feels like I've flatlined or gone downhill even. That little UK vacation was not enough. I need to rejuvenate my soul somehow. It begs the question - what would be enough? Do I need the full 2 weeks I used to take? Do I need a month? Perhaps it was less the length of time but more of the activity. I had originally envisioned treating myself to a relaxing place in Santorini, Greece for my 40th birthday. But the prospect of sharing a vacation with Sam was enough to persuade me to do something other than Greece which he refused to do, and I was able to convince myself logically that the UK was a good replacement because I'd be able to knock off a bunch from my Life List. But that view and that rejuvenating doing nothingness was missed, I suppose. In hindsight, while Sam was visiting his parents in Turkey, I probably could have given myself a few days in Greece. But timing was challenging as it was, so maybe not.

Whatever it is, I know I need something more. I have this unsatiated desire to shut off. It was so refreshing when I got to my hotel room yesterday here in LA. I realized I didn't have to go anywhere, didn't have to talk to anyone, didn't have to do anything. At home, I feel guilty if I'm not doing something productive, and there's always something to do. The house needs something, or the dishes need to be put away, or I should exercise. Here, in those moments, I was truly my own person, and it felt amazing. I think that's what I love most about cruises - they take care of just about everything for you, so you have no responsibilities (except keeping to a schedule for excursions and meals and the like - but if you don't do those, then who cares?). I'm hoping to take a decently long trip to Australia to visit Sam and do some new things and some revisits. The question is - will Sam tolerate me for an extended chill vacay with him? Haha, to be continued!

A (Not So) Touching Story

I've barely returned from my 10 day vacation in the UK with my Sam from Sydney, and I'm already on another personal travel trip. To be fair, I planned to attend Camp Hollywood a year ago when I attended for the first time and loved it so much. Of course, I didn't know I'd be moving to Texas and that a trip to LA would involve a plane ticket. But after moving, I knew it was still worth it to come. The first class tickets weren't that much more, so I indulged there as well.

But this is not about a swing dance conference. This is the first time I've had enough time to breathe and think to be able to reflect and jot down my thoughts on how the relationship with Sam and I progressed on our UK trip.

The trip had been planned even before his visit in July was conceived, but we both were mutually excited about the prospect of spending so much time together after being apart for a long while. Planning the trip was easy - it progressed and kind of developed over time - but we were both very agreeable to each other's ideas and suggestions. We agreed on not "overplanning" it by stuffing it with non-stop plans every day. We had one or two days that would be fully consumed, but lots of other days with one or two small activities planned and options for down time or separate adventures. It was also super sweet that he recommended something he knew I'd be in to - seeing a show on the West End - which wasn't on my Life List but probably should have been.

Some things we kept open; like, I wasn't sure if we would want to rent a car in Inverness to get us to our hotel in Loch Ness or if we'd Uber and then have a chill time at the hotel. Sam arrived at the Inverness airport before me, so while I was at Heathrow waiting to board, I had him investigate what the cost of an Uber would be and compared it to renting. We decided to rent, and it turned out to be a great decision because we spent a lot of our time in Scotland driving around, taking in the views of the Highlands and the Loch Ness. And when I say we were driving, I mean, I had him drive initially and then I never felt comfortable taking over so he did all the driving. He didn't seem to mind, though, he was comfortable on the left side of the road and the right side of the car, and I loved being chauffered around and holding his hand or thigh while taking in the landscapes.

Scotland was my favorite part of the trip, I think partially because I felt so connected with him, both physically with just that little bit of touch, and personally

because I got to see what excited him as we adventured around. More and more I think weather really impacts my mood, and the weather was just absolutely splendid while we were in Scotland, whereas when we got to London, we were dragging our suitcases for blocks in the middle of the hottest day of the year for them and that heat only subsided slightly the rest of the trip. There is also something to be said about the ease of being driven around versus lugging our stuff and cramming into trains and walking here and there. I feel like I was more down for that in my past, but doing it in London just wasn't enjoyable for me. To his credit, Sam did all the literal heavy lifting when it came to lugging my suitcase up the stairs or carrying it over rocky terrain in Scotland. Such a gentleman and a stud!

Even with the connection we did have in Scotland, I tried communicating to him that I wanted more cuddles and physical affection. He promised he'd try, but I didn't really see much improvement the following days. When we got to London it was worse, mostly because we were out in public more often and he shies away from PDA. And that's fine, I mean not ideal if I want more but relationships are about compromise, but the problem was in private he always seemed to have an excuse not to touch me. Obviously not ALWAYS, I'm exaggerating a little, but more often than not it felt like. When I wanted to cuddle at the end of the day, he'd have to make tea and sit up and drink that. He'd turn on the TV but sit in a chair and he'd say he'll fall asleep if he gets in bed, but we didn't have a couch to cuddle on.

To make matters worse, he would make jokes about not touching me or he'd touch me in a way I didn't like and then say, "But I like physical affection," which I pointed out was kind of like rubbing it in that he wasn't giving me the physical affection I wanted. I let him know that was hurtful and asked him not to make jokes about touching affectionately, and he apologized and agreed. I do like how he is understanding and caring, and that he tries to resolve things with communication. I think part of the issue is that it sometimes felt like he wasn't understanding what I was trying to say, but not because he didn't want to. Just something for us to work on.

It was a long vacation and that much time with anyone will test a relationship, let alone one in which its still fairly new and we don't spend a lot of time together on the regular. So towards the end of the trip, it felt like we both needed some space from each other, and we got it by going to do different things on a couple days. One of the days, he went to meet a friend who lives in the area, and I went to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace to ensure I thoroughly knocked it off my Life List - and then I went on a cheeky first date with a Brit I had been talking to named Peter. Ha, quick back story on that one - he lived in Tulsa, OK previously, I guess he had put the DFW area in his location while he was visiting a friend and that was when he had "liked" me on the app, but had actually been living in London for the past year or so. But, he was eager to return to the states, and indeed just got a job and moved back to Tulsa this past week. Not too far from me, but still not local. What's with these foreigners? Anyways, being a first date and not having much privacy, it ended with a small peck kiss, but it did help me reclaim a little bit of what I want from guys in general. (I should mention, Sam has explicitly said he would understand if I see people in between seeing him because he knows how much physical attention I want…)

In the end, I concluded that, while Sam could do better to try to meet me more in the middle with cuddle time, we did have limited opportunities because we wanted to maximize our time in London to an extent. I recalled that during his visit to my house in July, he was much more keen to cuddle up with me on the couch, and even when we went to Austin, we had a couch in the room so we could sit there while he drank his tea and we watched TV. Maybe I just need to make sure I book hotels with couches going forward. We have a short LA trip coming up which will hopefully give us some opportunity to cuddle, but I'm most looking forward to my yet-to-be-booked Sydney visit later this year, because that, I think, will be more like his visit to Texas in which we can chill and not be out and about so much. I still adore him so much, and that's why it makes it painful when I don't get enough of him. 

I'm in Trouble

The trouble all started with tickets to a musical which holds a special place in my heart, Pippin. Before I had moved to Fort Worth, but knowing I'd be moving, I saw that Pippin would be playing at a local theater in August and decided that I wanted to go. At the time, I was still talking to Tommy who worked weeknights, so I knew Friday night was not an option for him and I didn't want to do Saturday night in case I was traveling. I bought tickets for a Sunday matinee. I mentioned getting the tickets to Tommy, and he said I could work him into seeing musicals potentially.

When I was seeing Justin, I had mentioned it to him, knowing Tommy was kinda out of the picture. Justin was interested, but of course, I ended things a while ago with him. Brandon and I had gone to Grease together at the same theater, and I knew he was up for Pippin, until he ended things with me.

It seems like Brandon left a bigger hole in my life than I had realized. I seem to be trying to fill it with several guys. Maybe it was just desperation to not waste a ticket, but I don't think so - I was truly at peace with the idea that I may have to go to the show by myself. In fact, when I bought the tickets, I knew there was a chance I wouldn't have a date. I had considered that my lead at work, who also likes musicals, would  also potentially go with me. And truthfully, it may have been good timing because I feel like her and I have been at odds a bit at work, but she was on vacation so I didn't bother asking her to go.

First, I started back with Tommy. I mean, hey, the tickets had originally been purchased with him in mind, and we weren't not on speaking terms. He didn't respond for a few days and then I asked him to just give me a yes or no please and he said, "No thanks." Obviously not the answer I was hoping for but it was an answer. Next I reached out to Ryan and we started talking again. I mentioned the show to him and he said it would be out of his comfort zone and ultimately decided he wasn't interested right now. Not going to lie, I'm a little surprised he didn't want to go based on how he pretends to worship me, but there's obviously something off about him and this is just one more example of that I think. I also reached out to Kevin back in LA, even though he wouldn't be able to come out here for the show, but it felt nice to get attention from him. I still wish he hadn't messed everything up; he could be living with me here and we could be a happy couple had he not gone and done what he did.

Running out of options, I begrudgingly opened up that stupid dating app. There had been a like on there to which I had never responded - Peter. He didn't have a ton of information about him, and his pictures were so different. In some pictures, he was more clean shaven and I'd say cute, but he reminded me of the Nate character in Ted Lasso who ends up being kind of a bad guy, and I think I had a hard time getting over that. With facial hair, I'd say he was downright hot. I decided to respond to him. Turns out he's British and presently in the UK visiting family, which is pretty cool. He loves cooking and wants to cook for me, and he calls me gorgeous which I love. He seems adventurous and interesting. The biggest bummer with him is that he lives in Tulsa - apparently he had liked me when he was visiting his buddy in Dallas. Why is dating in Dallas turning out to be dating not in Dallas?

I also liked a few new guys from my feed, and one engaged right away. He was simply "J" in the app, and when I asked him about it, he said his name is Justin but people call him JD or J, and considering my recent history with a different Justin and my strange history with a JD, I decided J was good for me. Anyways, I didn't have a lot of time to banter back and forth before asking him to go to a musical with me. I didn't even have time for a first date since I was in North Carolina last week. My plane got delayed Saturday evening, and I got home after 1 am on Sunday, the day of the show. Nevertheless, I took a shot and asked him. He was curious and then kinda said to hell with it, let's do this. He is so good looking based on his pictures, and a young guy in his early twenties, so I gave it about a 70% chance he'd stand me up and ghost me. I mentally prepared myself for just that. Which made it funny when he asked me a little before I had to leave to pick him up if I had changed my mind about seeing him.

It was a strange first date, partially because we had literally only exchanged maybe 50 messages in all, and they weren't very deep, so we were basically complete strangers, and then we went to a show during which we wouldn't be talking. I told him we could do dinner after, and when I picked him up he told me he hadn't had anything to eat all day so I offered to stop somewhere before the show but he passed on that. At the theater, I offered to buy us snacks and drinks, and we both got drinks but he again passed on any food. We got to talk a little as we waited for the show to start, but it still wasn't a lot and we hadn't yet been physically affectionate other than a hug when we first met. During the show, it seemed like he was pressing his leg up against mine perhaps in a flirtacious manner, but it also kinda just seemed like manspreading. I wanted to put my hand on his thigh or try to hold his hand or something, but it felt too new so I kept my hands to myself. I thought, maybe during intermission I can try to make a move, as it felt like I needed to do it when we could talk. I wussed out, and so we sat through the second half with our hands to ourselves still. I was happy to find out during intermission that he was enjoying it a lot. When the show was over, he said he really liked it and it inspired him to dance. We decided to go to Hurtado for dinner since he had never been, and there we finally got to have something of a real conversation. It was mostly basic, but he did intrigue me a little and I liked how interested he seemed in some of my experiences and opinions.

All the while, Kevin was sending me dirty pics like he does, Peter and Ryan were messaging me, and I'm going to see Sam on Friday in Scotland. Oh boy, am I in trouble!

I didn't offer to do anything after dinner, I figured I wanted to get back home so I'd just drop him off and call it a night. As we drove back to his place, the conversation got deeper and I really enjoyed our discussion. When I pulled into the lot by his apartment, I stepped out to give him a hug and realized then how tall he was. He held me sweetly and then we nearly pulled away. He very genuinely thanked me for taking him out and I told him it meant a lot to me that he indulged my invite to a musical. We paused, and I thought he might kiss me but he seemed hesitant. So I went for it. His lips were so unbelievably soft - I felt like I could smush them a mile deep with how soft they were. We had just one peck kiss, paused, and I think we both felt we wanted more, and had a few more kisses. We pulled away just slightly. He said he'd love for me to come visit or go out again, and I told him I should have him over to my place, and he got excited at that idea and suggested we go for a swim in the pool. He has no idea about my pool protocol (usually in the nude unless non-romantic guests are over). He's in trouble! I took the opportunity to touch his arms and his muscular chest, and yeah… damn. I am in trouble.

And I love it, really. I mean, I still wanted to be wifed up at some point and have my live-in boyfriend to cuddle with and plan things with and not have to worry about dating. BUT, if I can't have that right now, having guys give me the attention that I want, is so good. As I drove home I reflected if this situation is even better than being in a monogamous committed relationship. Afterall, even if I haven't cheated on the several last boyfriends, I have been tempted. Maybe there's something to the chase that I enjoy and wouldn't want to give up if I didn't have to.

Not a decision I need to make right now, thankfully. For now, I am going to enjoy just being in so much trouble.