Cracks

What do they say about all good things? Not that Sam and I are over, far from it, I think. But the fairy tale perfection has definitely shown cracks. I adore him. I'm trying not to be to clingy, and he's trying to keep his independent spirit. We both knew spending a full week together would be intense. I would say we've had a lot of fun, but we've had a few speed bumps and I think we both have had to overlook a few things to keep the peace. We've taken breaks from each other which I think is healthy and much needed.

The main drag for me right now is the lack of physical affection. He isn't much into PDA which is fine, but he also doesn't cuddle me without promoting when we're alone together, and the cuddles that I do solicit are short lived. Many times I've asked and he's had a reason (excuse) not to! I don't want to force him into being uncomfortable, of course. But I also need to get what I want out of the relationship. I think it's just a conversation we need to have at this point, so that's my plan for today.

The thing I've been overlooking is how he questions me and doubts me. It's strange, because I think logically he knows I'm smart and capable, but in the instantaneousness of a particular moment, I think he reverts to maybe his work team lead persona in which he has to spell things out or show people how to do things. For instance, I was trying to get the hotel TV to stream from my tablet so we could watch a particular movie. I know how technology works, even if it's not something I do often. So I tried taking a picture of the QR code but my tablet doesn't have a gr at camera and even zooming did not give me a resolution that would scan. My options were to get up to move closer or just do it the more manual way by typing in the address. I was comfy so I opted for the latter. He saw me doing that but hadn't seen me attempt the camera / QR method, so he tried correcting me. I told him generically that that didn't work, and he pressed that all I had to do was zoom. I told him more specifically that I tried that too and it still didn't work because the camera wasn't good on the tablet and it wasn't scanning. Rather than being satisfied with that, he seemed frustrated. Maybe I'm reading too much into his reaction. But even after all signs indicated I was connected, my apps still didn't have options to cast to the TV. This time he decided to try for himself and he hit a bunch of options looking for the cast symbol to confirm what I already said, that there was no option for casting. So I looked up on my phone what the problem might be and tried that solution to no avail. We never figured out how to cast from my tablet, but when we returned from dinner he suggested I try on my phone and weirdly my phone was already connected, so somehow the connected accounts must have caused my phone to have the casting connection instead of my tablet. It seems like a little thing now as I write it out, and maybe that's what I need to do.

But that's just one example and I think my issue is the compilation of frequently being questioned and doubted that bothers me. Another example is, as we've talked a lot about what did we want to eat, I told him I don't like mushrooms. Rather than accepting it or saying that's a shame like a normal person, he asked why. Why? Because I don't. He still doubted me and asked what if it's covered with a bunch of stuff. I said, yes, of course, if it's a tiny little piece of mushroom in a big thing of other stuff I like, not really a big deal. But when we have a pizza with mushrooms on it, I try to pick off the big pieces I can see and I still get bites that are less than pleasant and I know I've bitten into a mushroom. The fact that I had to explain that, not just about mushrooms, but about cinnamon, banana, seafood, coffee, all these things I don't like and he doesn't accept that I don't like them, that's weird, right? He brought me coffee because it was Tim Tam flavored and he knew I liked Tim Tams. But it was still coffee. I told him as much and he still made me prepare it and try it.