A Dating Update

Let's see, Kevin 1 and I continued to struggle reconciling so that seems over. Kevin 2 ghosted me right before our Las Vegas trip, so I ended up canceling. Tall, boring Brandon actually has made repeat appearances. He's a total bore but we both seem to have mutually agreed to use each other without saying it. Francisco also reappeared briefly, and then slithered back into the shadows. Marathon runner Andrew and I took some distance and sort of faded. I ended things more formally the last time he reached out. Hollywood Justin tried gaslighting me - he's so shady and ghosty - I told him I don't trust him and he never responded, so I guess that's over.

And now, for AJ of NASA JPL.

It was a rocky start to AJ's and my first date. I met him through the Hinge app after changing my location to Pasadena, reasoning that I'm in Pasadena once or twice a week typically for swing dancing. Some percentage of the reason he connected with me was because of my job. I told him fairly quickly that I wasn't actually in Pasadena and he understood. He comes up to Edwards Air Force Base on a fairly regular basis so my locale isn't actually too out of the way for him on those days. In fact, we agreed it was rather convenient that I could potentially crash after swing dance with him in Pasadena and he could stay with me when he has back-to-back days in the desert. Anyways, due to miscommunication or really lack of clarification, he ended up at the Lucky Luke's in Lancaster while I was awaiting him at the one in Palmdale. He quickly joined me though. From there, it was a lot of shop talk and I wasn't sure I would be interested if that was all there was. But we eventually got off the topic of airplanes and it went better from there.

Because there was no food at Lucky Luke's, he asked if we could go to Yard House to grab a bite before he headed home. It was a Monday night and I wasn't too keen on staying out late, but I was enjoying him and had at least a little attraction to him. So I acquiesced, and we ate at Yard House. We wrapped up the first date with a simple peck kiss which was both absolutely perfect for a first date, and leaving me wanting a little more.

His next visit to the area was Thursday, but I also had a goodbye happy hour for an employee I wanted to attend and my last lindy hop class in Pasadena that night. I sort of talked myself out of going to class, and he agreed to meet me at the happy hour. We had a good time there and headed back to my place. We immediately assumed a cuddle position while I queued up some Ted Lasso, and, well, he spent the night and it was pretty great.

In Pursuit of Happiness

Is happiness a goal? A state which is necessarily temporary? A way of living?

I can't remember a time I wasn't yearning for something that would make me happy. That's not to say I've lived an unhappy life. Rather, I think I've been generally grateful and upbeat and joyful about life. But it's always felt like it was part of a journey to an ultimate goal, rather than an enduring contentedness.

Growing up, I had an obsession with boys and being in a relationship. While in college, it was, just get the degree and get a job and a house and a dog and be an adult. While early in my career, and perhaps the strangest way my yearning showed through, I would hear a voice talking about me in the future, that, "She makes over $100,000 a year." That was the goal, to make 6 figures. Even despite having read that once people reach about $70k in annual income, their happiness decreases the more they make beyond that.

I definitely lived beyond my means a bit early in my adulthood, in order to continue re-upping on that desire to be happy. There was a point I hit where I knew something had to give. I owned a house, I had the dog, I had a steady boyfriend, a good job, was making $85k a year. I remember being so stressed about money because I knew I was living beyond my means but it was like I couldn't stop. We'd go on these elaborate vacations and I justified it by saying that you never regret investing in travel and experiences. But at one point, the shit hit the fan when my
credit cards were maxed out and I couldn't pay for the hotel mid-trip. Did we go to a cheaper hotel? No, we enjoyed our luxe room with a view, and I just borrowed from him until I could move money around sufficiently. I got smarter after that, but also, my career took off and I didn't have to be too accountable for long term financial responsibility because I started making so much more.

Having lived in several states and cities over the past decade, and being again in a position where I can decide my own fate, I can confidently say that I'm happy with my current location. My house is big, maybe a little too big, but I'd much rather than that the opposite - living in that cramped condo in San Diego helped me realize that. I just had my niece and her seven friends come stay, and there was room enough for all without being too cramped - hell we could have accommodated at least two or three more people. I am so grateful I have a pool and a hot tub of my own - that makes a world of difference compared to an apartment pool with its uncertain cleaning schedule and having to contend with neighbor kids for serious pool time. Making this home be my haven has brought me lots of joy. I am financially stable, for sure, with over $200k in annual income, a small passive income, and a very comfortable savings buffer. But now I'm missing one very seemingly important part of my happiness formula - a romantic partner. After nearly 10 years together, Jaiman and I called it quits in January, and my attempts at finding love via the Hinge app and other organic means have been all but fruitful. I've helped to fill the gap (or distract myself from it) by doubling down on my other relationships - friendships with colleagues or former coworkers, my family, reconnecting with old friends - and putting myself in situations to forge new relationships with common interests, namely going out swing dancing and taking lindy hop lessons.

I realized about a month ago that I was also trying to fill the void with retail therapy (usually online retail - which means I wasn't even getting the benefit of the walking). Over spending and living beyond my means became a concern for me, even at this elevated income (partially because of the big mortgage payment and the new car payment). So, I went cold turkey in June and am continuing in July, refraining from buying extraneous "things" that I don't need. Truly, I have a giant house full of stuff, I'm not needing much of anything in the way of more stuff.

Long before Jaiman and I called it quits, though, I was investing a lot of my reading time on the pursuit of happiness, or the formula for happiness. And was left, well, wanting, and still pursuing. Most of the literature I devoured told of gratitude being the key to success, or being present and practicing mindfulness, or giving to or helping others, as the secrets of life and happiness. Those ideas have never scratched the itch for me. I've always had this nagging feeling that happiness can be achieved by a set of things plus relationships. And that belief has driven me both to have fulfilling relationships and to purchase things that will make my life easier and happier. Like the big house with the double kitchen island to allow me to cook more (ha!) and the private pool and 3-car garage. And truly, I know now that my outdoor pool isn't optimal - it needs to be heated with excessive energy to be of use many months of the year, and is always getting bugs and leaves in it. Wouldn't an indoor pool be even better? Then I'd truly be happy. This pursuit seems to keep going, but I still somehow believe that the optimal life is somehow around the corner. Once I get these 35 things, then I can really enjoy life and be happy.

And while I can't say I have all the things I've ever wanted, I have a lot, and I am grateful, and I am happy most of the time. But now without that romantic partner in my life, I feel a major loss. It makes me resent Jaiman to an extent - why did he have to be so awful in the end? Why couldn't he have shaped up to be the man I wanted him to be? Or even that he claimed he wanted to be? Why did I spend (waste?) 10 years of my life with someone who wasn't going to work out in the end? I am appreciative of the fun times we had and memories we made, I wouldn't have done most of those things without a romantic partner. And yet, now that he's gone, I'm a little mad about it. I thought it would be easier to fill that hole in my life, or that I'd find joy in being by myself and doing my own thing and that I'd be okay. I knew it wouldn't be wholly easy, but I just thought it would be easier.

The dozen or so half-started relationships that have flopped since the breakup have made me start to wonder if it's me. And specifically, I wonder how much my weight plays into it. I can take some great selfies that I feel good about, but sometimes I see a picture of me and it's not flattering and I realize just how awfully big I am and that makes me very unhappy. Is that what is keeping me from finding a great guy? It probably doesn't help, of that I am sure. Swing dancing, too, I can feel people not wanting to dance with me because of my size and appearance. I also sweat like crazy which may not necessarily have to do with my weight, but again, doesn't help.

So losing weight, like almost every other fucking time of my life, seems like it should be a priority. If I can't be happy without a man, and if I can't land a man without losing weight, than obviously losing weight will help me get a man and ultimately make me happy, right? But of course, easier said than done. I've struggled with my weight for all of eternity it seems. And yes, it probably played a big part in my happiness equation even before the breakup - being able to find clothes that feel good and sitting comfortably in airplane seats are aspirations that have been bringing me down in recent years.

But beyond my physical appearance, I wonder if my approach to life and relationships is wrong or if I'm just in a weird dating population (age and geographic location) or what. Like I said, I thought it'd be easier, so why haven't I landed at least a short-term relationship yet? I keep trying to tell myself that the universe is just clearing things out of the way for me to meet the right person. But my impatience grows and it is especially painful that I have one thing I really want to do with a romantic partner - go to Vegas - and planned it with two different partners who both fell through. If I can't count on a romantic partner any time soon, do I need to change my desire? Will that scratch the itch?

So the latest book I've been reading (listening to) is called "The Gap and the Gain" and it is a pretty simple concept in theory - focus on the progress and the good things instead of focusing on what you don't have (the gap). It's a new take on the same old mindfulness and gratitude concept, I suppose. But the reframing has at least piqued my interest and attention. However, I've struggled to work through it because the gap I most focus on now is the lack of a romantic partner and there's no progress to be had against that. Sure, I can focus on my big glorious house and the friendships I have and blah blah blah. But none of that is "gain" against my goal of having a happy romantic relationship.

I do like the section that says you can define your own success criteria. These were the examples given (and gawd are they so much what I aspire to…)
 

I know I'm being successful when:

1. I can wake up every day and ask, "What would I like to do today?"
2. My passive revenue exceeds my lifestyle needs.
3. I can live anywhere in the world I choose.
4. I'm working on projects that excite me and allow me to do my best work.
5. I can disappear for several months with no effect on my income.
6. There are no whiny people in my life.
7. I wear my watch for curiosity only.
8. I have no time obligations or deadlines.
9. I wear whatever I want all the time.
10. I can quit any time.

The other major thing I've struggled with, although its subtle, is that I'm not sure what I like anymore, versus what "we" liked as a couple. In other words, untangling myself from Jaiman, what do I like that wasn't me adapting to his likes? Like I said, it's a subtle thing, it may even seem moot, like dummy, just go do what makes you happy and if something isn't making you happy anymore than stop doing it. But in some cases, I actually don't even know if it makes me happy. That's weird, right? So I don't even know where to start. I don't know what I would like to do today. I don't know where to disappear to or within. I don't know what to wear. I'm not really curious enough to do anything thoroughly. Is that depression? I hope not… I don't think so.

The most glaring examples are roller coasters, Lego and Disney. Those are three areas that Jaiman was obsessed with, and I know I had a liking of them before. But are they my passions? Did Jaiman bring that passion out of me? Or did I pursue them because "we" liked them? If there was something I didn't like before Jaiman and liked while we were together, that would seem pretty clear cut. But Disney and roller coasters were likes before, just not obsessions or passions - or were they?

Disney - I loved the classic Disney animations like Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin - I had lots of toys with them and even wrote to Mattel once suggesting they make Polly Pockets with Disney themes once (they claimed they couldn't give me credit but later did something very similar). But I also hadn't been to Disneyland since I was a kid until Jaiman took me. So am I a real Disney fan? Or did I get aboard the train?

Lego - Jaiman claims I enabled him, so this may be on me. I've continued building Lego and even hosting a build party, so I guess Lego is a passion of mine. I started playing with Lego as an adult while dating Rick, and went to Legoland at least once before meeting Jaiman.

Roller coasters - I remember being obsessed with the Loch Ness Monster ride at Busch Gardens when I was a kid. What a disappointment it was when Jaiman and I went on our big roller coaster road trip and road it again - it was dilapidated and rough and not nearly as thrilling as other rides I've come to enjoy. My weight has largely deterred me recently from going to Six Flags and the like, but if my size wasn't an issue, would I spend a day at a theme park riding coasters again? I think so, but I do feel like it was such a part of Jaiman's personality that it will always be twinged with remorse.

I've long been fascinated and intrigued by the different ways people live, especially those at the extremes of wealth, modernism and technological advances (and the lack thereof in all cases). I think this goes hand-in-hand with my pursuit of happiness - what is the formula other people have found? What of those can I apply to make my little utopia? This is why I am equally intrigued by the fictional characters in the Hunger Games living in the Capital and in the Districts. I simultaneously desire a life of The Great Gatsby and the life of the artisans at Arcosanti, and just as much want to live in a world where Jurassic World is a real (but much safer) possibility. I invest efforts in learning about technological advances to understand how they will improve our lives in the future, such as 3D printing, wearable technologies, autonomous vehicles and smart home devices. How people lived in the Blue Zones is instructive for people wanting to understand how to live long lives, but I question how fulfilling those lives are versus, say, those in the happiest countries. The true story of Biosphere 2 is one of both hard work and an isolated version of an ideal utopia, at least until peoples' personalities got involved. In the introductory scenes of the Sonic the Hedgehog Movie, Sonic shows how he's carved out a life in his little cave in a small rural town and pretending to make friends with the people there, but that his life was merely existence until he actually befriended one of the townspeople.

And so, a lot of times I like to think about what my perfect life / utopia / home would look like. I think now it would look something like:
 

1. Money and my physicality does not prevent me from doing whatever I want to do.
2. I have a life partner who shares my interests and enjoys adventures with me. 
3. I have minimal chores that are made easier by technology and my home setup.
4. I have rich relationships with friends and family.

How It's Going: Almost June 2023

The breakup at the beginning of the year was inevitable and I knew that going into the new year. When it happened, it wasn't how or when I had foreseen it. The timing was close to right, but how it went down was a huge shock - I was trying to make it amicable and calm, knowing it was the right thing to do and I had left nothing on the table as far as ways to repair the decade-long relationship, but he wouldn't have it. No, he went off like a crazy person, bringing up ancient history that I'm not even convinced wasn't entirely made up in his attempt to prove he was a victim, blaming me for everything, of course, and projecting his guilt onto me via ill-founded and inaccurate accusations of cheating. Nevertheless trying to find the silver lining in all things, I end that story always with the conclusion that it makes it very easy not to second guess the breakup or try to get back together. I do think it's a little bananas that after spending nearly every day with him for 10 years, he and I have no exchanged a word, a text, a comment, nothing. It's done-zo and that's obviously a good thing.

Except it means I'm alone. I have this great big house which I love, and a pool and a hot tub I frequent, and all these big plans to go here and do that. But I'm so alone. I've never been good at being a friend or keeping friends so I don't have many, and I haven't done much in the way of making new friends locally. All of the people I could even call my friend here are colleagues, employees of mine or former colleagues. In fact, even people I consider friends "back home" in Arizona are mostly former colleagues. And, I mean, I guess that's ok, right? We spend so much time at work it's good to have friends there and it makes sense when strong relationships are forged there. But even my closest of friends aren't, like, best friends or besties. I almost never talk to my childhood friends, when we do it's usually just exchanged comments on facebook.

My sister loves being single, or at least that's what she'd have everyone believe, but her being single and me being single are so different - she was married, she had someone to whom she said, "I do," and she got a son of it and she's the best at keeping old friends and making new ones. On top of that, she is at least somewhat introverted in that she loves her "me time" whereas I could have zero of that and be the happiest person alive. She is a good person for me to talk to about these things, and she encourages me to go to the movies or dinner by myself, but I don't think she appreciates how much more lonely I am without a committed relationship. I love being around people, well at least people I enjoy and whom I can stand, and I can be judgey which is why I'm not a big life long friender. That is also why I vowed to connect more and connect more deeply this year - I knew I'd need friends and I know I need to be a better one.

Oh and a new job. Boy, people really show you their true colors when they have nothing to lose, right? My old boss held nothing back once I told him I was leaving. Just like my breakup, he has made it very clear I made the right choice. My new boss seems great, my local team is great, I might have some work to do on some of my other new employees but that's ok. Getting away from a diminishing manager was an important thing to do for myself, and while my old team was pretty heartbroken over me leaving, as was I, they understood, perhaps more than me at times, why I had to make the change.

I always like to do one or two life list things per year, and the last few years have been really hard with the COVID pandemic, so I feel like I should be trying to make up for that lost time this year. But alas, many of the items remaining on my life list are either quite difficult or require travel, and I'm just not up for doing a ton of travel alone.

Post-breakup I dove in pretty quickly to the dating scene, had a few homeruns but lost each game. I am just about over dating, and yet I still am unhappy with being alone, so I'm definitely in a funk in a big, bad way. Not dangerous or anything, just out of it. The dark thoughts do creep in, even knowing what I know now about my ex- and how he viewed our relationship, I still sometimes voyage into the land of, "What if I just pretended that none of that happened and had him come back and just idlily stayed around to make plans with and stuff?" It's stupid, and I know logically that nothing good could come from that line of thinking. And yet, there it is. These jerks on the dating app all claim not to be like the rest and they all end up ghosting me, gaslighting me or, most kindly, deciding to go separate ways. Yet I feel like I'm lowering my standards to date them, and they are the ones largely doing to leaving/ghosting. I don't get it. I don't get how guys can be so cruel, and I don't get what the fucking point is in dating someone, saying you want to meet up, and then not showing. Like, isn't the point of dating to meet people and go on dates and see what happens? It's just so… I don't know, depressing? Disparaging? Disappointing. Consistently and thoroughly disappointing.

So I started going swing dancing again. It's a weird "again" because when I used to go swing dancing, it was in Arizona. After years of dancing there, I had a number of friendly faces and regular dance partners. But also, my main dance partner was, alas, my now ex-. So going dancing "again" isn't like I'm returning to something I know well. I know how to dance, at least the basics, I've gotten a bit rusty on my Lindy Hop and have no idea if I could follow Balboa right now. But I don't know the people, I don't have a consistent partner, and the structure of the dance is a bit weird, too.

Like, at Kat's Korner in Arizona, we always did a celebration dance for people with birthdays or celebrating something else special, or visiting from out of town. Then we'd do the snowball, in which a few couples start and every few moments or so the announcer would call for them to find a new partner who isn't dancing yet, until everyone is dancing ideally. We'd also do the Shim Sham, a semi-choreographed mostly solo dance that everyone could join in and do, a little like the Electric Slide but, you know, not that. Sometimes we'd do other similarly somewhat familiar choreographed dances, such as Tranky Doo or the Big Apple. I really want to do one of those again. But alas, at this place in Pasadena, they don't do the celebration dance and they don't do any of the choreographed dances. Instead, they do what they call a "disco" in which they play a (non-disco) pop song and just follow along as someone semi-makes up dance moves, kinda like doing a jazzercise workout video or something. They do the snowball after that, so there's that at least, although even that they do a little weird and I don't like it. It's fine. It's fine.

The bigger thing, I think, is just the not knowing people. The second time I went, some of the leads recognized me and the familiarity started to blossom into me getting asked to dance more, which was great. I went this past weekend, though, and there were less familiar faces as such I got asked to dance less, and didn't even have the courage for whatever reason to ask some of the dancers I wanted to dance with. It certainly didn't help, this past weekend, that a guy I had been talking to for a week or so was planning on meeting me there for our first date - and despite saying he was almost home and lived 5 minutes away around 8 pm, he never showed, and I never heard from him after that. So, yeah, even going back to swing dancing has been, not a complete disappointment, but definitely sort of rough. It's also over an hour away which means it's a big commitment for me to go. There's another venue in Pasadena on Thursday nights and that just seems almost impossible after working a 10+ hour day on Thursday, but I hear that's a better venue and I want to go, in theory.

A month or two ago, I visited Arizona primarily to support a charity walk which I've done for years with my friend and former colleague, Allison. During my visit, I also made a point to go swing dancing on my home turf, albeit a different venue (tear) than what I had known for the prior 12 years. The familiar faces and welcoming recognition more than made up for the unfamiliar new-to-me venue, and I had a blast, truly. A few of the leads I danced with also strongly encouraged me to go to Camp Hollywood this year, an event I have never attended except for participating in the virtual event a few years ago during the worst of COVID. I was super hesitant and nervous about it, still am, but the encouragement from them and the reminder for myself that this is the kind of thing I want to do more of left me little choice but to register and make plans to attend. I'm also now considering if I should go back to Arizona for some of the events like Swingdependance and a new event in Tucson right around my Dad's birthday weekend.

I'm definitely in a funk, but in reviewing what I set out to do in 2023 at the start of the year, I am finding a little bit of encouragement and comfort knowing that I have completed many of those things already. Let's take a quick inventory.

Life: Be an active participant
•  Buy my land - Done!
•  Increase discipline in health routines - eh, kinda?
•  Have a mindfulness weekend retreat - planned and then skipped, wah wah
    •  Do that regularly
•  Have a blog-a-thon to write about topics already started
•  Book/plan vacation - Done, at least mostly - Hawaii for Christmas, plus some other smaller trips are in the works too! Planning trips is therapy for me.
•  Complete >1 from room renovation  - Done, at least mostly. Did some finishing touches on the downstairs full bath, and mostly finished wallpapering and putting new fixtures in the downstairs half bath. Really it just needs some pictures on the walls or something, otherwise it's done. Master water closet's next!

Nature: Go deeper into outer space
•  Listen to Planetary Radio podcast when available - Listened at least once, not sure where I lost track of this one, will have to check.
•  Watch All Space Considered monthly - I do watch this regularly now, and want to go in person sometime soon.
•  Visit the Griffith Observatory - Done! Went to a weird show called Above with a date, it was interesting, not sure I'd do that again necessarily, but maybe for some other event or show.
As a bonus, not related to space but related to nature, I volunteered at the local Poppy Reserve and did several trail watch hikes out there, and learned a lot about local wild flowers. Getting out into nature was great for me, and I should probably keep that up.

Celebration: Re-build the lost connections
•  Start daily journal even if 3-sentence recap - I tried, but I tend to not write for a while and then play catch up and try to write something. I'll keep trying.
•  Plan for and stay on top of sending birthday, anniversary, holiday cards
•  Seek advice and ask curious questions of people in my life

Empowerment: Create (and use) the tools to get out of my own way
•  Auto-add/update calendar with activities of interest - Partially done, got it add ISS passes to my calendar.
•  Utilize AI and scripting to hone trends and market gaps
•  3D print some useful items - I tried, 3d printers hate me, I swear! My filament got jammed and I gave up.
•  Invest in architecture software and education, and design home of the future
•  Influence recruiting at work via communications team
•  Develop better graphics and display for my Show Mode

Well, one of my trips I'm planning is intended to help me reconnect with some old friends, and based on what I've done a lot of and not done enough of, it seems like the connecting thing is one of the areas I need to focus in on more.

As far as accomplishing some things from my Life List, here are some ideas I think are doable still this year:
10    Ride a penny-farthing bicycle
12    Ride a recumbent bicycle
20    Watch a fire-dancing show at Burning Man
30    Catch a fish
52    Press grapes into wine with my bare feet
81    Be an extra in a movie
98    Send in a postsecret
103    Drive a race car around a real track
114    Eat at a Shenanigans
119    Learn to use a slide rule
147    Time Old Faithful at Yellowstone National Park


I feel like, rather than blessings, I need to count my activities or achievements to remind myself that this year has not been a total bust. Here it goes:

    • I hiked around Vasquez Rocks with my colleague Josh - getting him out of the house was a freaking achievement in and of itself! We did about 1.86 miles.

    • I volunteered for 5 shifts of trail watch duty and the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserves, totaling over 24 miles of hiking, plus took my friend Andrew and a love interest also named Andrew for one hike there, as well as some of my employees another time.

    • I volunteered for the second year in a row to be a mentor for the Aerospace Robotics Competition sponsored by my company, working with high school students to build, fly and program a drone. My team failed for the second year in a row, but I still helped quite a bit at the competition, and recruited some of my employees to help out, and that always feels good.

    • I've gone swing dancing four times (thrice in Pasadena and once in Arizona) and did a charity walk in Arizona.

    • I went to see Six the Musical with my friend Andrew (although it was supposed to be with a guy I was seeing - Justin - but he started getting flakey so I guess I told him off(?)).

    • I got a new job and subsequent pay raise.

    • I did some wallpapering and home reno stuff to improve my home.

    • I upgraded my pool system so I can heat my pool, and have loved swimming in 86 degree water - especially when walking/running has been hard on my body lately so swimming is a great exercise alternative.

    • I bought land in Mojave, CA and camped out there to pursue the green meteor earlier this year.

Considering everything, that's a pretty healthy list of achievements. I guess I'm not as much in a rut as I thought I was. But, now I'm even more enthuse'd about the upcoming things.

It's May!

Once upon a time, I started this blog after a relationship break-up, and in part, to catalog the quirky adventures of dating. I had given up on love at that time, to be honest, which was both sort of sad and a little liberating. No longer did I have to go on dates and wonder if he could be the one, nor did I see weird yellow flags as setting a precedent that I should address. I went with whatever, so long as it didn't cross a hard line for me, and let the ridiculousness unfold. It was funny the bizarre things my dates would subject me to, and I considered it my duty to share it with the world, or at least document it for my future amusement, on this blog.

Then, the unexpected happened. I found a guy who wasn't ridiculous or bizarre. We had an instant mutual attraction and neither of us wasted a second dancing around our feelings towards one another. He seemed to be nearly perfect by my definition - tall, liked musicals, football, basketball and swing dancing - a rare combination. He often seemed to read my mind - mentioning his desire to go to massage school, for example - I had told my roommate I would love to find a guy who wanted to study massage, I'd pay for his schooling if it meant massages for life. I had some hesitations about him - I mean, I just recently given up on love - and I was worried he might fall harder for me than I for him, and I'd break his heart. But I rationalized that I had hesitated too often before, and the window of opportunity seemed to have passed, and I didn’t want to repeat that mistake. So we dove headfirst into a nearly 10 year relationship.

We had a very long, happy "honeymoon" phase - we rarely fought and we loved doing everything together all the time. We had amazing adventures and were the envy of our friends on facebook. As I met his family, they would always comment that they felt they knew me already from facebook. And the rest is history…

Fast forward to around 2021 - 2022. The relationship had soured. He said some things I could not get passed. I was frustrated with him. We still did fun things, but we were fighting a lot. It felt to me that he had become spoiled by my supporting him financially as he supported me in other ways through a number of geographic moves for my job. While I stand by my decision to do so, I think it changed our dynamic in his mind, and he became a different person. We tried addressing things, and he claimed to be committed to fixing what was broken, but now I see he was already too gone. A few specific incidents made it very apparent that we were not working, and I knew we had to end things.

With such a long time put into our relationship, I felt I owed it to him to end things amicably. That was I tried to do. To my surprise, 10 years of hate and bizarre accusations spewed out of him until I didn't ever want to see his face again. Cheating, really? He thought this was about me seeing someone else. But like Ingrid Andress' song, "I Think You're Seeing Someone Else", actually I was seeing someone else. I was holding onto the instant love and perfect chemistry of years ago. He had become someone different without my realizing it. Not better, like in the song. No, I had become more financially stable and more grounded, he seemed to have diverted and gone backwards. He was blaming me for him not finishing college or having a career, villainizing me with this made up affair he thought I had been having for 10 years, even bringing up my last boyfriend and accusing me of cheating on him, acting like I didn't make every geographic move with his concurrence, and on and on. I didn't know what to make of it at the time. Later, when I found his OnlyFans subscriptions, things started to click that he was projecting his guilt onto me and hoping I was cheating. Then I did what should have been a bad idea - looked through old videos and photos of us when we were happy early on - and it ended up being quite therapeutic because he was unrecognizable in those photos and videos. It made me realize I had not been dating the same guy for the last 9+ years. I was dating a great love, and more recently, I was dating a self-righteous fixed mindset monster. The man I fell in love with had died years ago, I'm not sure when, but he was no longer there.

That was in January, and as you can imagine, it's taken a minute to process all of this. I didn't process it all well, either. Shortly before Valentine's I read about a zoo that would, for a charitable donation, name a cockroach or a rat after your ex- and then feed it to the animals. I splurged for the video package and wrote a script that cut to the core of the idiocy that was the end of our relationship. Hey, it was for charity, right?

That's not to say I've been wallowing in sorrow since January. I've just not sat myself down and done a lot of self-reflecting. Instead, I've kept myself crazy busy. I volunteered at the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve as a docent and did regular trail watch to keep people off the poppies and educate them on the different types of flowers and wildlife (which I had to learn about myself). It was a great way to get my butt out of the house and hike many miles. I also volunteered for the Aerospace
Robotics Competition as a mentor to a high school team again. I started swing dancing again, practicing at home and going to Pasadena for the dances. I've been doing some home renovation stuff. And traveling - I went to Arizona for the Purple Stride and swing danced out there on my home turf. I cut and donated my hair. And seeking, interviewing for, and securing a new job (still at the same company). Yep, I've kept myself busy, but that’s not all I've been up to…

Dating - so many dates. I wasn't going to do the dating app thing, I was going to find comfort in doing my own thing and allow for the potential for something spontaneous to happen. But one weak moment one lonely evening and I had a full profile, and then the guys started pouring in.

And so, my blog is nearly ready to return to its original glory, talking about all the craziness of dating life. But it's already May!! I have so much to catch up on.

I was first excited about Nick - an Aussie who loved D&D. I wasn't so sure I'd be attracted to him based on his profile pictures, but when I met him, instant attraction. Not to mention we had had great conversation for weeks leading up to the first date. He broke it off a few days after, to my great disappointment. I know it was short and I shouldn’t have been upset, but I really liked him.

Then there was Cole, we talked a ton on the phone and texted a lot and then he ghosted me for a while. We never met but still message from time to time. Weird, right?

Jimmy - the jerk - stood me up. We chatted and then made arrangements for a date and he texted me about it that day, and that he was on his way, and all the way to the point of, "I'm in the parking lot," and then never showed. Why are people so cruel? I ate a disappointing dinner by myself that night.

Francisco works at Virgin Galactic (one of the common themes dating in this area is lots of engineers in my field, gotta be careful, I've found coworkers and stuff already)… He claimed he didn't want a hook up but he ghosted me after our first date so I'm going to go ahead and call him a big fat liar.

Then there was Dani, who used the sweetest words in his texts to me, calling me Queen and the like. The texting made more sense when I met him and realized he was not an native English speaker. We went on a few dates and I learned he was Iranian but trying to make it as an engineer in my field - and struggling because he is unable to give up his Iranian citizenship but that is preventing him from getting certain accesses. One night we had a discussion that felt too much like I was dating one of my (bad) employees and I decided it wasn't for me so I called it off. 

Dreamy Jay as I called him seemed very hook-up oriented but he was so good looking in his pictures I was willing to risk it. We talked for weeks and made tentative plans several times that never worked out, and it just sort of drifted off until he created a new profile and came up in my recommendations, but he had changed his name and used different pics so I wasn't sure - I liked him and then he confirmed he was the same guy. Goof. 

There was a doctor named Nick who I met once, and without either of us saying anything, we mutually stopped talking after that. The chemistry was just not there. 

I met KoiGoi against my better judgment, and was instantly happily surprised by how attracted I was when he walked in, but the conversation was terrible and I ended things after. But because I was attracted to his height, I temporarily started filtering on height to find other tall guys.

My tall filter caught 6'4" Aaron. He was so weirdly bad at communicating, I tried so hard with him and I don’t know why. I guess I was attracted to him and he wasn't in my industry so there's that. We went on a few dates and then he disappeared for several weeks and acted like it wasn't a big deal when he did start responding again. I may have acted out to cause a little drama and he freaked out and ended things, which was a huge overreaction in my opinion but probably good to fail fast in that case.

Then there was 6'5" Brandon, super sweet via text but horribly awkward in person. It was not going to work with him, but I went on a couple dates to try and he disappeared, probably for the better also. 

My filter also got me 6'8" Jesse, with whom I've tried to connect in person several times and it keeps not working out. He's a fitness trainer but works like four other jobs and is just too busy probably to date someone like me. But I'd still like to meet him in person, because, I mean, 6'8"! 

While seeing those rando's throughout and talking to several others that never really went anywhere, there have been four guys - yes, four - who I've seen more consistently and hopefully. Two of them are named Kevin, just to make things confusing, so I call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2, and then there's Andrew who also can be confusing as he shares the name of my best local friend, and then there's Justin from Hollywood.

My first date with Kevin 1 was fun and cute - we went to a taco food truck - his idea, and he ordered for us in Spanish which I found weirdly attractive. As we were eating, the spice was obviously getting to him and he looked over to me and asked, "You're pretty good with spice, huh?" And I had to think for a moment to even register that the tacos had a kick to them. Meanwhile he was drenched in sweat and his nose was running. I thought that was funny. My  friend Andrew and I were supposed to go to a show at the Griffith Observatory, and at the last minute he realized he had made plans with a woman he was seeing. I told him I'd see if I could get Kevin 1 to go with me and he agreed. I liked that he was willing to be a little spontaneous and do something completely out of the norm for him. He was the perfect date, we took selfies and fun pictures and he was just sweet and all about me the whole time. I loved how he touched me in public, not too sensual but enough for me to feel like I was his. There was a lot of promise early on, but then he had a lot of drama in his personal life and I didn't get to see him for 6+ weeks, and we got angry with each other. We reconciled a couple weeks later, and have gone out a few times since. Of all the guys I'm seeing right now, he's the one I have the most feelings for and most hope for, but there's that lingering drama that threatens it. We're planning a weekend getaway to Las Vegas in June. I may or may not have bought a $1000 bottle of tequila he wanted. What is wrong with me?

Dating Kevin 2 is wild. I thought he was pretty innocent and over-achiever, goody-two-shoes type, but once he let down his guard I found a very emo, anti-establishment, anti-everything, party animal. It first came out on St Patrick's Day with Andrew and his woman friend, and got really ugly the next day at the zoo when he said all these animals should kill themselves rather than be locked up for people to look at them. I told him that day that I was never going to take him out anywhere again, and he apologized, but I've held true to that. I still spend time with him in private, but I don't really see it going anywhere. He's great to cuddle up for a movie though.

Andrew just completed his third marathon, has a cute dog and a busted truck. He works for his grandma as an accountant. He's usually down for anything I suggest, but his personal life drama prevents him sometimes. I think early on he was intimidated by my profession and was trying to impress me, and since then he's calmed down and our conversations flow really well.

If anyone accused me of having a type, Justin would break that mold. He's the epitome of Hollywood, but we have a great time when we're together even though we have almost nothing in common. He calls me "boo" and we just really click. The distance makes it hard to see each other regularly, but we make it work from time to time.

So I think that kind of catches us up. I still can't believe it's May already. I start my new job in a couple weeks, although truth be told my new manager is sucking me in as fast as he can. I'm so completely sad to be leaving my team. I wasn't going to accept the job because of them. It was a surprise to me, when I tried to write my decline letter, I talked myself into accepting because the new manager has done so much to make me feel valued, and my current manager and director were so luke warm about losing me. I didn't think being valued mattered that much to me, until it was clear.

Besides my very busy dating life, I've mostly been trying to live up to my four principles for 2023, which I've summed up on my letterboard as: live intentionally, (re-)connect deeply, get outdoors and 'into' space, and create ease. It's been an adjustment to be single again, but I know its for the best - he made it very easy to not have second thoughts - and I'm just figuring out how to find myself again.

Seventy-Two Dollars

 Seventy-two dollars. 
He told me he was completely broke, overextended his finances for my Christmas presents in an attempt to "buy my love." What he didn't tell me was how much he was spending on OnlyFans. You guessed it, $72 in the last month, at least. Could have been more, I stopped looking at a point. It's not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things (and that's probably how OnlyFans gets ya, right? $15 here, $5 there...) but if you're completely broke, it's the difference between having gas money to make it to your mom's place and having to ask for money or steal in order to get there. Yes, he tried to charge our shared credit card for gas immediately after we broke up, even though I told him I was turning it off. I guess he thought he could get one more squeeze out of me. Disgusting. He was throwing his money at mostly naked girls online instead of (a) looking for a job, (b) working on our relationship, (c) working on himself, or (d) literally anything else. We have Hulu, Amazon, Disney+, HBO Max, Apple TV, YouTube Red and cable TV, but he needed the boobies. 

Look, I'm not here to turn anyone against him. The boy needs help, he's admitted that himself. But no therapist is going to suffice if he can't stop lying about what really went down, to others, and to himself. He has done such difficult mental gymnastics in order to re-remember the past, such that he's the victim and I'm the villain, it's honestly frightening.

Let's take a more neutral, but memorable issue: college. When I first met him at 23, he was "in college." But he never went to classes or talked about them. When I asked that fall semester what he was studying, he had "forgotten" to register. When I asked again in the spring, he had forgotten again. I think I had a pretty candid conversation with him at this point, that he can't really consider himself a student if he doesn't even register for school or go to class. I told him it's ok not to have a degree, but if you want the degree, you have to, you know, enroll in school. He affirmed he wanted the degree, and I told him I could help him select classes, plan his schedule, whatever he needed. In the fall, I waited to ask to see what he would do, and just before the registration deadline I inquired again. I wasn't used to his pattern even still, I thought this time would be different. But it wasn't. Since there was still time, he attempted to register but there was an issue with funding. Spring rolled around and I'm at the point where I'm nagging, because I want him to do the thing he said he wanted to do. He successfully enrolled in - one - class. The next semester, two. I then asked to see his full curriculum, how he was going to finish his two year degree he'd been working on for seven years, and he couldn't provide it. I asked for an expected graduation date, and he had no idea. I told him he should probably figure that out, and he scheduled a meeting with a guidance counselor. He came back and proclaimed he had two classes left. Hoorah! He worked hard in some of his classes and really enjoyed them. But he didn't graduate. Apparently his counselor had lied to him. Seems odd, but okay. Let me help! I'm great at this stuff and I love it! I have two degrees, I know how to do this. Nope. He'll figure it out. Another single-class semester. I told him, look, I want to start planning fun vacations, but if i don't know when you're going to graduate, it feels like I'll never be able to take you on a vacation in the spring or fall, which is very limiting. I don't want to be retiring when you're graduating. Finish school! Let me help! Then we found out my company was relocating to CT, and we had the option to go or find a new job for me. We mutually agreed to give it a go, and I told him I would help him financially since it was my job doing this. He claimed he had two more classes left to finish his degree and I told him he could stay back in AZ to complete those if he wanted, then join me in CT. Or, he could look at schools in CT to finish. He decided he wanted to become a massage therapist, so we went to a massage school to see what that was all about - did a whole info session at the school. He never pursued it after that and we moved to CT. I eventually had to stop worrying about his education and career ambitions for my own mental health, because it was too infuriating and draining on my part to see him not put in half the effort I was investing in his dreams. 

Just six months ago or so, he brought up this time in our relationship and said I had demanded he quit school so we could vacation. Not only did he misinterpret the vacation conversation we had, but he had conveniently forgotten all the times I tried to help him, all the semesters he "forgot" to register or secure funding, and the fact that we looked at options for him before moving to CT. All of that was sacrificed at the alter of convincing himself it was my fault he never graduated college. 

He does this with everything! Friday night he was picking up around the kitchen. I saw him pick up my jacket, stick his hands in my pocket where I keep my car key and my chapstick, and he even made a comment about how my pockets were weird. Then he hung my jacket up. Saturday I went to look for my key and couldn't find it, and realized the chapstick was missing too. I found my key in my purse, which I hadn't used all week, and when I asked Jaiman what he had done with my chapstick when he moved my key to my purse, he said, "I don't know. I didn't touch them." I pushed, "You didn't pull them out of my pockets when you were hanging up my jacket? I saw you with your hands in my pocket and you commented on how weird the pocket was." "Nope, didn't touch your things, LAURA." Now it was escalating. I wasn't even mad he moved my things, I just wanted to retrieve my chapstick. "Then how did my key get into my purse?" "I don't know, it wasn't me, I didn't put it there." "Right, magic," I said, then finding my chapstick, I left. Why lie about THAT? Simple, he takes no accountability, everything happens to him, he couldn't possible do anything in his own life. 

The boy has problems. He has a Fixed Mindset so engrained, he doesn't even realize how much he's hurting himself and those around him. Last year, I was so fed up I made an ultimatum with him, he needed to repair our relationship by reflecting in his fixed mindset and working on it. To do so, I asked him, and he agreed, to read a book I selected after researching dozens, to make sure it was the best book, and he was to do the exercises, which I printed out for him, and report back to me what he thought and learned as he went through the book. I told him I wasn't going to nag him, I wanted him to initiate the conversation when he was ready to talk. He never initiated a conversation, and I finally brought it up and he had gone through the first chapter or two and some of the exercises and then stopped. His reflections were weak at best, completely ignoring the elephant I could see. The only way out is to stop lying but it is so engrained in him now and I don't know how anyone will get through to him
 If he gets called out, then he quits. 

Ask him about learning Python. He expressed interest, I set us up with a class to learn together, he didn't understand it so I told him to practice during the week and then we could work on it again the next weekend. When I asked him, he forgot. It's too hard. He doesn't learn that way. 

Ask him about becoming a pilot, or an aircraft mechanic, or starting a food blog for NYC, or opening his own recording studio, or editing my audio book to help me publish it, or any other whim he's expressed interest in. When it requires effort, he gives up or forgets. I encouraged him recently, after he took down a light in our bathroom on his own, saying I was proud of him. He brought up becoming an electrician and I said yeah, they make great money and don't require a degree, you could definitely do that. He said it would be hard, and I tried to continue to encourage him, "I don't think it's that hard, it just takes time and effort to learn." Even after all these years of repeated patterns, his response still caught me by surprise, "Well most things are hard, so." And that was that, becoming an electrian was off the table because most things are hard. He was right and I was wrong. 

$72 makes sense, though, because I've also noticed in recent years that he tries to solve problems with money. This may be a little my fault, as I've been able to support him and life does get a little easier when you're not worried about paying bills or being able to eat. The problem is that he tries to solves things with just money. He wanted to get into shape, so he bought a kettlebell. Never picked it up. He wanted to cook healthier meal so he bought a cook book, but never opened it. More recently, he all but insisted I buy him one of those giant home gym pieces of equipment. But he never once thought to swim in our pool, go for a run, or even lift weights with me or by himself. He acts like I'm nagging him to finish his chores when I want to swing dance for practice and exercise. Money can make life more comfortable and easy, and he's had it easiest of all - no rent, no utilities, no food bills. But he's more and more unhappy, probably in part because he hasn't had to earn any of that privilege. Money is expendable to him because he doesn't need it to cover his basics. So when things aren't going his way, he thinks he can spend his way to happiness. 

The Self Talk I Need Right Now

Me: We made so many great memories together. It's sad to throw that away.

Also me: Those are my memories to keep, regardless of the relationship. His passive aggression made all those things about him, too. I was happy being single before him. Comical, even, to write about going on bad dates.

 

Me: He did make my life easier in some ways. He was there when I got home from work, he cooked dinner, did the dishes.

Also me: He didn't do those things reliably, and it was never enough. The house was rarely clean unless I started cleaning. We'd run out of clean forks all the time. The food he made got lazier and less healthy.

 

Me: We enjoyed spending time together.

Also me: Apparently not. He resented me that whole time. And his laziness often superseded my motivation to do home improvement projects or go out. I've been finding more peace, creativity and motivation when I'm by myself.

 

Me: I loved him so much.

Also me: He was suspicious and resentful of me - for 10 years!

 

Me: I was stupid not to break up with him earlier.

Also me: He held things in and lied to me. I couldn't possibly have known it was this bad.

 

Me: The transition is going to be hard. There are so many things I relied on him for, and now I have to do those things myself.

Also me: But I don't have to go through it alone. And I also had to nag him to do things, which is a huge mental burden that will be lifted with this change.

 

Me: I feel like I threw away a decade of my life in this pointless, unappreciative relationship. Who knows who I could have been with during that time?

Also me: I did great things during that time, and my relationship did not hold me back from those things. As always, I made the most of it, and I came out on top. It's his loss that he can't appreciate all the things I did for him and how I tried to help him. Better to cut my losses than try to make it work with someone so completely stuck on his own selfish perspective.

 

Me: Now I'm the villain in his history.

Also me: I, and the people who care about me, know better. And that's all that matters.

Three Reasons (It's Over)

 I don't trust you - you've betrayed my trust and haven't earned it back. You don't do what you say you'll do, you "forget" too conveniently, you withhold important information because you'd rather postpone the conflict, your actions don't match your words, you show bad judgment which costs me money and sometimes scares me.

 

I don't feel appreciated and I do feel taken advantage of. I don't like nagging you but you often leave me little choice, and you don't even do the bare minimum. You misinterpret my words and actions to make things my problem.

 

What I believe to be your fixed mindset is too engrained its hurtful. I can't live with the burden that you blame me for you not finishing college. The mental gymnastics to twist something so inconsistent with my person to suit your needs is inconceivable and unacceptable in my life. You aren't showing any signs of self-reflection, you see the errors in everyone else's ways but your own.

 

I had hoped to help you, but you aren't getting better. You bring me down, and you too easily get annoyed by me. It hurts to love you, I don't want to keep going through the motions of faking it, so I'd rather you leave than suffer anymore.