When the prospect of moving to Fort Worth for my job first cropped up around April or May last year, my buddy Andrew put an interesting notion in my head: the dating pool is likely to be better out in Fort Worth than it is in Palmdale / LA area (the latter requires excessive travel that not everyone is down for). I decided at the time that I wasn't super stoked about moving and my now-boss, as a testament to how awesome he is, moved mountains to make an offer that would keep me in Palmdale despite the job being planned for Fort Worth. The only caveat was the expectation that I would travel to Fort Worth regularly - minimum once per quarter and preferably once per month. I happily agreed to that condition, although I was still unsure about accepting. I surprised everyone including myself I think when I did accept.
Fast forward a few months, I was traveling to Fort Worth just about monthly. After another failed relationship or three, Andrew's notion rang in my head and I decided to change my dating profile to Fort Worth. I didn't want to be deceptive, though, so although I listed my location as Fort Worth, I made sure to use one of the freeform prompts to explain that I was coming to Fort Worth regularly for work and was considering moving there, which was only like 4% true but I did believe that at some point it would make sense and/or be required of me to move. I figured I was living in Palmdale on borrowed time there (and boy was I right… but I'm getting ahead of myself).
Most of the initial contacts failed to turn into anything. But one didn't. His name is Tommy, and it turned out he works at the same company I do, as a technician on second shift. His profile pictures were a mix of silly, dated and awkward. But he was sweet, and we got along via messaging really well. I wasn't sure if I'd be attracted to him physically when I finally saw him, but his attentiveness and agreeable personality thrilled me. Because my next business trip had been booked before he and I started talking, I didn't have a lot of time for him given our different work schedules, but we planned to meet up as soon as I landed on Sunday, for a late lunch. One of the starting topics of conversation we had was about where in Fort Worth to find the best queso, so that become the destination of our date - a taco franchise place called Torchy's.
I was so nervous he'd stand me up or something… and he was a few minutes late so I was really freaking out inside, but tried not to be a crazy girl. My panic was unwarranted this time, though. As he walked around the corner into the restaurant, I recognized him instantly (he was wearing the same shirt as one of this profile pictures) and a wave of physical attraction rolled over me. Well, the concern about being attracted to him can be put to bed! He was hot in all the ways I like. We hugged awkwardly and then got in line to order. I copied his order almost exactly, it sounded perfect, and of course, we got an order of queso.
It was surreal meeting this guy who had only been a series of messages and a few confusing pictures. But the conversation flowed easily, and I was instantly hooked. We barely touched the queso, although it was quite good, and the tacos, too. Not knowing what else to do but also not wanting this to end, I invited him back to my hotel with me. We walked out to our cars and that's when he grabbed my face and kissed me and I just melted. Kissing him felt so good and he was just the right blend of forceful and caringly gentle. We made out in the parking lot for what felt like too long but I wasn't going to complain. He finally let me get in my car so he could follow me to the hotel.
It started raining on the way, and my hotel was downtown so he had to park separately. As he ran through the rain I just wanted to wrap my arms and legs and soul around him. He undressed quickly and got me to match and we spent the rest of the evening in my hotel bed naked. I was over the moon. He was so comfortable to be with, and my body felt like it was molded to his. Everything was just about perfect. I couldn't imagine liking anyone else more.
As the week went on, though, his texts were less frequent and felt distant. I'm losing him, I thought. And I made a desperate attempt to see him once more before I flew home, but it was a complicated idea I suppose. And then the responses stopped altogether. I was heartbroken, obviously, and I knew it was crazy because I had only seen him once, but it just felt like there was so much there. Probably more to stir up drama than truly trying to reach out and reconnect, I would message him from time to time.
Then one night I got a response. He had apparently missed some of my messages, and also, he had sent me a message that he assumed had gone through but was just not realizing that it hadn't. In that message, he had said that he thought he could make the distance thing work, but I was here for such a short time and he didn't see how he could handle that. I accepted his response but told him I wished he had talked to me about it because I am a planner and I was doing what I could to plan to make it easy for us to get together. But that was it, I guess. It saddened me but at least I had closure, and I couldn't blame him for not wanting to do the distance thing.
Until the distance thing wasn't necessary. Fast forward to the decision in my company to re-org, and my boss once again saving me but this time with a mandate that I move to Fort Worth. I accepted my fate, and although I would never make this type of decision based on a guy, much less a guy who ghosted me and then ended things with me, there was a tiny bit of hope in my heart that I could reconnect with Tommy. I also thought about the broader dating pool as a positive thing, as Andrew had advised. So while there were lots of downsides and negatives, and just, you know, moving sucks, I started finding reasons to be okay with the move.
Internally, I debated whether to reach out to Tommy before I moved, or to wait until I was there permanently. I didn't want him to think I was leading him on ahead of me being there permanently. But I also had this little worry that he'd meet someone else and start something up with her in the meantime, and I didn't want to miss out simply because I hadn't acted quickly enough. So once it was settled for sure that I'd be moving, even without exact timing, I texted him, keeping it simple, not wanting to show all my cards or scare him off.
Me: "I'm moving to Fort Worth officially soon."
Tommy: "How soon? And it makes me feel happy/special you still thought of me :-D"
And later:
Tommy: "Let me know when you're in town and we could catch up if you like"
[Me internally: "Eeeeeek I want to kiss him and rip his clothes off and kiss every inch of him!! Keep it cool, Laura, keep it cool."]
Me: "That'd be great!"
And much later:
Tommy: "So I've been wondering, and just have to ask… What made you reach out? I know you're moving, but still"
Me: "I saw a lot of potential in us, and I was pretty sad when you didn't see it work. So yeah, with me moving I thought, if you're still open to talking and stuff, me moving will eliminate the issue."
Tommy: "I'm sorry you were sad, but it did make me happy when you reached out like you did"
Me: I'm glad to hear it. I really liked our convos back then, I was so nervous to meet you. And then when I saw you, I remember thinking you were so much hotter than I expected…[fire emoji]"
Tommy: [Drool emoji]
"I'm super flattered and not used to it lol"
"But I'm very glad, and hopefully we'll click again"
"Also, I'm still an open book, so feel free to ask whatever about whatever :-D"
Me: "Haha and same… also I'm a little nervous I'll come on too strong and scare you off lol… Feel free to tell me I'm being crazy if that starts to happen [laughing emoji]"
Tommy: "I'm sure you'll be fine [winking emoji]"
"I don't know of another time when a woman was afraid of coming on too strong with me before… Flattery will get you everywhere haha"
Me: "Deal! I'll tell you how hot you look all the time! But it's been a minute… I'll need a refresher!"
Tommy: [with a selfie] "Please excuse the bags lol"
Me: "You chopped your hair! I like! Or more accurately, I want to reach through the phone and kiss you rn [kissing emoji]"
Tommy: "I'll be sure to keep it more trim like this then [sunglasses emoji]
I do recall a lot of fun making out [kissing emoji]"
Me: "Oh when you first kissed me in the park lot [fire emoji] [sweating hot emoji] [fire emoji]"
Tommy: "Of torchy's?"
Me: "Haha yeah"
Tommy: [Big grin emoji]
Me: "It was super sexy how you just kinda pulled me in and took control…"
Tommy: "Oh yeah? Well… I think you made me do it, so you totally caused that"
Me: "Haha I was all weird and awkward I'm sure! But once we started kissing that's all I wanted to do"
"Ok, maybe not all lolol"
Tommy: "I don't recall any awkward from you"
Me: "Glad you didn't notice. I was sooooo awkward"
Tommy: "I'm confident that I'll basically always [be] awkward lol"
Me: "Well then we'll just have to fast forward to the kissing, cuz I don't think there was any awkward after that…"
Tommy: "I think that's true…"
And so on. I was so into him all over again. With us talking again and his affirmative desire to see me, it seemed pointless to talk to other guys. So even though I'm not usually an eggs-in-one-basket kind of person in dating, at least until I explicitly agree to be exclusive with someone, I basically did that for Tommy, a guy I had only seen once and whom had ghosted me for a bit. I'm in trouble, right? Ah well, the heart wants what the heart wants, there's no rationalizing with it sometimes.
So, just like the first time, we met up right after I landed. This time, I picked CAVA for us to go to, since he had said he had never had Greek food before, and there was a CAVA in the same area as Torchy's so I knew it was a relatively convenient place for us to meet up. This time, as we had discussed (or more like, I kind of commanded and he agreed to comply), when we first saw each other, he grabbed me and kissed me sweet and long, and then held me for what felt like an eternity but in a happy way. It felt so good to be in his arms again. Our bodies still fit perfectly together, and he was so gentle but firm. And just like the first time, after our late lunch, we went to my hotel. This one was a bit more convenient parking-wise so he helped me with my luggage. We had another amazing time naked in my hotel bed. It was Super Bowl Sunday so I did have the game on and was vaguely watching it with him. He napped a little bit but for the most part he was just all about me and pretending to care about what was on the TV. Honestly, I couldn't think of a better way to watch the Super Bowl. Best Big Game Day Ever!
But again after we parted ways, his texts became more distant. Fewer, further between, not initiating conversation really. I knew work was really weighing on him with layoffs happening in his area and as the union steward he had to be a part of the process. And his last text was asking if I had found a house yet knowing I was househunting that day. I had responded and sent him a few more messages after that, and nothing back from him.
I had planned my trip such that I had an extra day in case I needed it for househunting. I tried to see Tommy before he had to work that day, but no response. The extra day also afforded me the opportunity to go to the Fort Worth Swing Dance Syndicate. I went and was pleasantly surprised that they offered an intermediate class, which I gladly stepped into. The instructor, Kris, was great and I really enjoyed his class, teaching a Fort Worth special line dance called Smiley's Charleston. It was a fun dance but very aerobic, and I was drenched in sweat pretty quickly. During the dance, there were a lot of beginners and I danced with several of them. I was surprised that even some of the leads that had been in my intermediate class were very novice. I think Kris may have felt bad for me, or just wanted me to feel welcome, so he asked me to dance a couple times and I loved dancing with him. He had us perform the Smiley's Charleston for the rest of the dance, which was kind of fun - I do like performing! Later, Kris played a song on the piano and sang along, and it was a Valentine's with a comical twist - the chorus was, "Won't you settle for me?" I thought it was very cute and I assumed that meant he was single. Interesting…
I waited to see if maybe over the weekend Tommy would finally respond more. Days went by and I kept messaging him from time to time. I pleaded for him to respond. I texted him from my work phone and told him that ghosting me was inconsistent with everything he had told me, and told him what the last text was in case he had again thought he had sent something that hadn't gone through. Nothing. It just didn't feel logical and I don't know if I always demand closure as a control thing or whatever, but I just wanted to understand what was happening. I started to build a fantasy scenario in my head in which his crappy supervisor had thrown his phone across the room and it broke and when he got a new phone it hadn't restored my number or he had to get a new phone number. Something to explain other than he was seeing my messages and choosing not to respond. I couldn't believe that. But I knew that was irrational and I needed to try to move on if Tommy wasn't going to respond.
Heartbroken again, I reactivated my Hinge and also reached out to a few of my LA boytoys - Hollywood Justin, Kevin 1, Kevin 2, Yusuke. I knew it was pointless to try to pursue anything serious in California at this point, but figured I could use the ego boost of a few guys' affections.
As if smelling blood in the water, Chalan, a swing dancer from Michigan who had moved to the LA area sometime last year, started texting me a lot more and being way more flirtatious. After one of the dances we planned to go to kind of together, he took me for a drive to show off the autonomous features of his test vehicle. Apparently that's what he does for work. Pretty sexy, but, I'm moving… and that was the most of a move Chalan's ever put on me besides dancing with me multiple times per night (which can be indicative of interest, but not always - dating in swing dance is complicated, isn't it?).
With the move taking a little longer than I wanted, I planned another work trip and texted Tommy that I'd be in town and asking him if I could see him this weekend. Finally, a response.
Tommy: "If that's what you'd like, yes.
"I'm sorry about the silence, at first I was genuinely very busy (basically have been this whole year), but then I just kep quiet because I figured tou didn't want to hear from me after the extended silence.
But yes, if you want to that's good with me."
Me: "I understand busy, but I think you're crazy to think I didn't want to hear from you. Are you free Saturday?"
And then nothing again for a couple days. So I took a more proactive approach:
Me: "How about we meet at Torchy's on Sat at noon? I'll be there unless I hear from ya for a different time/place. [Kissing emoji]"
Still nothing.
Meanwhile, I flew to Texas. While the plane was supposed to go to DFW, we were diverted to San Antonio. Close, but not quite. I wasn't sure if we'd make it to DFW so I started contingency planning - namely, looking at rental cars in San Antonio and drafting a text to my friend, Jen, who lived there. I had been planning to go to the Fort Worth Swing Dance Syndicate dance again that night, so I was debating - do I ditch the dance and go see Jen? Or do I get the rental and book it to try to make it just on time to the dance, foregoing the shower I was hoping to squeeze in between landing and going to the dance? None of those options were needed, though, because the captain told us we'd be taking off for DFW shortly, and we did. So we arrived a couple hours late, but still in DFW. I barely had enough time to grab a very quick bite to eat, shower and get dressed and get to the dance.
But I got in just a minute late for Kris' backwards Shim Sham lesson. Seeing me, he waited for me, and, did I see a little sparkle when he recognized me? He deferred to me a couple times during the lesson, and I couldn't help but feel there may be a romantic spark there. The intermediate lesson, which Kris also taught, was on basic Lindy which I already know well. He also taught a move called the Texas Tommy which I was vaguely familiar with, but it had been a while. It was prone to cause injuries when done wrong, and I thought, how appropriate, since my Texas Tommy seems to hurt me.
The rest of the dance was brilliant - I barely got a break between dances. There were a ton of strong leads there that night, and I barely even got to dance with Kris maybe twice. I danced once with a beginner who I had talked with before the classes started, Brady. But for the most part, I was dancing with intermediate and advanced dancers and it was amazing. A new-to-me guy named Shane had been in the intermediate class and was very good looking. For whatever reason, it felt like he honed in on me, and we danced a bunch of times. In fact, he and Kris approached me at the same time, and I had to choose. I think I went with Shane that time, but made sure to return to Kris as soon as I could. I mean, to be fair, Shane was dancing with a lot of women, beginners and advanced alike. But when I was pooped and ready to go, he dragged me back on the dance floor a few more times, including for the last song, which is a little romantic. What a cutie!!
I was high on what a great dance it was. Truly, I am so happy I have found a swing dance home here so quickly. It topped even the best night at Lindygroove or Pasadena Ballroom Dance Association, and everyone is crazy about Atomic Ballroom but that is just so-so from my own experience. I even got a shirt from FWSDS to bring back to California with me and represent in my transition time.
The morning of my presumed meeting with Tommy, I texted him.
Me: "Hope to see you at noon [kissing emoji]"
No confirmation. I was mentally preparing myself to be gravely disappointed. And I swore to myself now there's no excuses or things I could think of at this point. He either shows, or he doesn’t care enough and I need to give up. And even if he did show up, his one and only message was so cold - maybe he was coming here to end things in person and give me the closure I obviously needed. I was so ready for heartbreak.
He walked in, just about right on time. I tried not to get my hopes up but it was a little happy to at least see he showed. I waved him over and got up to hug him. I wasn't sure if kissing was in order, and he didn't go for a kiss. We ordered food and I let him pay, mainly because, fuck, man, he owes me!
We talked and ate, and I fought back tears multiple times - sometimes when telling him the conclusion of the investigation into my old boss, which he knew the beginning of already, and sometimes when talking about he and I. He apologized multiple times and explained where his mind was at, asked clarifying questions of me and admitted there was no excuses but that he wanted me to know, and apologized again. I appreciated all of that, except, obviously, the fact that he just didn't respond. The clarifying question he asked was whether it would bother my sleep if he texted late at night, because that was usually when he saw the messages and wanted to text back, but didn't want to wake me. I told him that my phone goes into sleep mode and doesn’t alert me unless there's an emergency until I wake up, so that was perfectly fine to text me at any hour. He basically said he'd try harder and stuff like that. I asked him point blank if he wanted to continue seeing me, and he replied in the affirmative. We talked a bit more and I was so happy and crazy about him, I just wanted to reach across the table and touch him all over and kiss him. But I settled for putting my hands in his and him holding them on the table. He caressed them and held them in exactly the way I wanted him to.
I think he must be very sensitive to noises and brightness because the various machines were really bothering him, so I said we should get out of here and invited him back to my hotel once again. No surprise, we spent the rest of the day naked in bed. We watched Ghosts on TV and cuddled and kissed and we both dozed off and were in and out of sleep but always touching and always comfortable. It was like we picked up right where we left off. But I was still concerned so I asked him some questions to help level my expectations, and we clarified some things, so that was good I suppose.
We exchanged a couple texts since then. But I think he suffers more strongly from decision fatigue than even I do, which is saying a lot because I really struggle sometimes, so I think when I am able to see him, I just need to tell him what I want and it seems like he'll comply because he does want me but he doesn't want to have to plan or make decisions.
In the meantime, and the crux of why I wanted to write this blog, is that I got a couple more romantic leads via Hinge. Dan or Daniel, a fellow Sun Devil, is a bit younger but pretty cute and seems pretty easy going. We've been texting for a while and were supposed to meet up today, but I haven't heard from him for a few days and we never made official plans. Kind of a bummer. The other one, Justin, is absolutely crazy about me it seems. We text multiple times a day and he has told me fantasies he's had about me already.
Justin, I would say, has some yellow-ish-maybe-red flags. He's not sure if he's completely straight, he's not sure if he wants monogamy, he is obsessed with wrestling and MMA, and he talks like he's all about chivalry but then also he is very dirty-minded. Some of the things he says remind me of a boy who liked me in high school, Eric Reilly. He had once written me a four page love letter saying that he felt he was my knight in shining armor and it was just very fantastical and awkward since I hadn't really liked him. Anyways, Justin is giving me those vibes. And since all I really have to go on for physical attraction is his profile pics, I am once again not sure if I'll be attracted to him, but obviously I have a recent example where that was a happy surprise. With Justin, I think I will be attracted to him in a sweet way, less sensual way. I could see me cuddling up in his arms, but I'm not sure I'm down for the sexual fantasies he has talked about.
My first date with Justin is scheduled for tomorrow (Monday evening), although we've talked about connecting before that - first on Friday when I was flying in but the timing didn't work, and then on Saturday when I wasn't sure if Tommy and I would be long, but obviously that didn't happen for Justin and I.
I should also mention that Saturday night, after I bid Tommy adieu, I decided to go to the Dallas swing dance. I realized I'd be late to it, but figured it'd still be worth going - not like I was doing anything else. With traffic and construction, I was very late. But, as soon as I stepped in, they were doing the Shim Sham, so I jumped in right away even before changing out of my flip flops into proper dancing shoes. Then I put my shoes on, and immediately saw a few familiar faces from FWSDS. The DJ, for one, and Leo, whom I met and danced with in the intermediate class. And… Shane! And of course, Shane and I danced a number of times. Once again, another man and he had approached me for a dance at the same time. This time, I went with the other guy and promised Shane I would catch him next. One of the other dancers was very complimentary, saying he was glad to get to dance with such an advanced follow as myself. Shane and I finished out the dance together with a few in a row. He is so cute and so much fun to dance with.
Today, I slept in, got my usual "good morning beautiful" text from Justin, got some caffeine and wings for brunch to help kick the dehydration headache I woke up with, went for a glorious swim in the very sexy indoor pool at my hotel, and went grocery shopping for the week. I'm a little disappointed I didn't meet up with Dan or anyone else, but how could I possibly complain after such a glorious day yesterday, and two great dances the last two nights, and a date tomorrow? Life is good, my friends. Life is good.
All that to say, I'm insanely crazy for my "Texas Tommy" even though he has a track record of disappearing and being aloof. But for now, I have him, and we're in a good place. We're not committed but I have him. And I have these other promising prospects, too, whether real or imagined. Justin may or may not be acceptable to me. Kris would be a great guy to date, but not sure if he's interested. And Shane - he feels too out of my league but I guess anything is possible. If nothing else, I have a great dance partner here who is excited to see me, remembers my name and wants to dance with me on repeat. Part of me feels like that boy-crazy little girl I was once - maybe it never left me. And part of me feels like I'm in the same (or better) happy Shrodinger's cat of a relationship - I'm both in a relationship which makes me comfortable and chosen and wanted, but I'm also not in a relationship so I am free to explore. I'm having my cake and eating it, part two!
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