A Journey of Worth

I want to share something that is a bit out of my comfort zone because it is very vulnerable, but also I can say that I have some pride in it. The last year or so I have been going through the hardest journey of my life yet. It stemmed from my perpetually unmarried status, with realizing that the guy I was pursuing at the time might not be the one, and recognizing a defensiveness in me that felt unfamiliar and wrong. It fell in context of a presumably successful corporate career, but having had to move to a place I dislike to make it work, and being increasingly disenchanted and frustrated with the management world around me. My personal life was also rocked by my sister's near-death health crisis. 

This journey started with my questioning why am I single - am I unlovable? Am I too choosey? Should I have just settled? But took me far beyond romantic relationships into the realm of the makeup of my being - how my patterns were learned at a young age and new but bad patterns were learned throughout my life. I worried I was nothing if not my patterns, and I had to dig deep to decide for myself if I had inherent worth and if I was enough to deserve unconditional love. The mantras of "you have to love yourself first" may seem helpful, but they were not to me. I wasn't sure what there was to love, or if there was anything there at all. And if I found it, what do I do with that information? Why didn't other people see it? 

One thing I've come to realize is that I've learned love is based on performance. When I do well, I get praised. If I do something that isn't a good performance (even if it wasn't meant to be a performance), I would get ridiculed. So I tried to be normal and not do those things that attracted ridicule, and I would show off in the ways that got me praise and attention. That felt like love. I've been (accurately) accused of being a one-upper, and isn't that just an ultimate expression of performance-based "love" seeking? If I have the most amazing story, if I had the best experience, if I was the first to do something, does that not maximize my "worth" and get me the most love? But it didn't, obviously. 

Love languages is a really interesting and helpful model, but I think, in my case at least, it served as a crutch. I believed for so long that the way I show love is through gifts. Thoughtfully purchasing things, and perhaps more often, experiences, through which happy memories could be made, felt like my expression of love. But looking back at it now, I think it was a performance. I can give you all these things, so you have to love me. Because I didn't care for the same kinds of love in return. That was my domain. In return, the way I wanted to be loved was through quality time and physical touch. I buy things to make our lives easier, so you can spend more time with me and holding me. It was all transactional, even if it was thoughtful and done with love. 

Let's talk about defensiveness. I was talking to a new guy who asked a lot of questions. You can tell he has gone through therapy because he asks things like, "What about that do you enjoy the most?" or "Are you really feeling okay about that?" The need to perform would trigger anxiety in me if I didn't answer a question that was asked directly, but sometimes I didn't want to answer them. More often, without really thinking about it, I felt like the question was a judgement or an accusation, and I was quick to defend myself. Even though he was just being curious, carrying the conversation forward, and trying to get to know me, I was defensive and felt the need to perform better and overexplain so he'd understand how awesome and worthy I am. 

It showed up in my work, too. I don't recall it being there, and I have never actually caught it. But my boss has called it out, in my body language, in my word choice. I genuinely believe he's trying to help, so I try actively not to be defensive with him, but I literally have no idea what he's referring to. I suppose that means it's so sub-conscious I can't even observe or recall it. 

I really had a hard time connecting with the psychology stuff about your inner child and first memories and the like in most things. But it was pretty easy for me to realize that my family has always been critical. My parents and my sisters criticize each other, our extended family members, neighbors, friends, church leaders, and, of course, me. I'm not innocent in this. I love people watching, judging random strangers and making up back stories for the most ridiculous ones. I presume motives and character flaws based on the smallest action, facial expression, verbal expression, or stance. It's actually fun to partake in this as a shared experience, which I'm not quite ready to digest. 

The idea of removing what I can do for my partner, especially financially, felt like I had nothing to offer than. It was worse than being naked, because at least in nudity, one still has a body. It felt like absolutely emptiness. Some people pursue partners who they can fix. Some pursue those who are unavailable. I seem to bounce between partners who need fixing and partners who are stable but end up feeling boring. Are they boring, really? Or do I run out of things to offer them when they already have their lives together? 

These were tough pills to swallow, and I wasn't sure if I was on the right path. I do give so much in relationships and I tell myself it's okay as long as I'm getting what I want in return. But I only get so much, and that's when the relationship ends, when it's clear I'm not getting enough for what I'm putting in. I haven't gotten what I ultimately want - a committed life-long partner, and yes, marriage and co-habitating is part of that. I've lived with partners but have never once been seriously proposed to. (I say seriously, because the guys at Home Depot propose to me regularly when they learn about the DIY projects I'm tackling on my own, or that I'm buying this giant tool chest for me, not for my husband, since I don't have one.) 

Where I landed was a model for my self-worth in the shape of an old well. At the top, the things can flow out to others - inspiration, loyalty, and insight. 

At the bottom of the well is a core identity as a lover of life. This resonated with me because it’s a variation on some of the things I often say in my online profiles, in conversations and also reflects one of my favorite quotes. My core love of life encompasses two broad elements. The first is love of experiences - the curiosity and willingness to try new things and the joy that comes from exploration. The second is a creative and optimistic view of the future - my "hack" tendencies to make life as easy as possible, my technophilia and futuristic optimism in the power to build what we want in this world. Take away all the things I can "do" for a partner or other people in my life, these core elements are still a part of me. They are the sources of the inspiration, insight and loyalty that comes out the top of the well. 

In the middle of the well are the qualities I bring to every relationship. These include being an intellectual partner, an empathetic listener, and having principled compassion. When I don't get to use these, I probably feel a gap, like my well is empty. I feel closer to people with whom I can use these qualities, and who reciprocates them. My well is used like a well, collecting and providing. 

Realizing that I have an innate worthiness beyond what I can do for others was a relief. I'm not sure how I can really explain it, because, you know, I hear those things about "you are enough" and stuff like that, and I never really felt depressed like I needed to end things or anything like that. It was just, like, maybe there's nothing actually there. Maybe I've been putting on a show for so long that I've lost whatever person is behind the mask. What if I remove the mask and it’s a void? So, not only was it reassuring to know there was something to me besides my acts of gifting and doing and paying, it was also comforting to realize that those things actually had been there all along. I hadn't lost them or forgotten them, I just wasn't really paying attention to their value. 

Problem solved, right? Hooray, I am worthy! Of course, it's not that easy. What I then had to grapple with is the reality of my current relationships. Not just the romantic ones, but the friendships I was newly fostering and the ones which had slipped. I had to grapple with interactions with my family, with criticisms flying in every direction. And I had to face all of this with the understanding that, while I was going through this journey, everyone in my life was not. They didn't or wouldn't or couldn't know the work I had done to dissect my self worth and why I don't want to be defensive in the face of criticism. I had to figure out how to proceed with all these interactions and what to do about my romantic relationship and how to reconnect and maintain friendships better without sliding back into performance mode. Then, I had to practice it over and over again to gain confidence and retrain my patterns. And, you know, it's not like life slows down while we're on these personal journeys. Work was busy and demanding - there were new employees to onboard, business trips to solve complex team culture problems, disputes between employees that required mediation, potential jobs to apply to and interview for, systems to learn. And I was and still am working on a 16-course certificate program in Artificial Intelligence. And I wanted to make my house more my style so I'd be more comfortable in this miserable state. I also knew I needed to lose weight but things were not seeming to work like they're supposed to. And, and, and, and… Acknowledging that I am very blessed to be financially stable and relatively healthy even with the weight and other maladies, and I have people in my life who care for me, it was still a lot. 

I've been able to identify three models or visions for myself (borrowing a term from Matthew Hussey, these are my "emotional buttons.") The one I go to the most is the Calm Lake. Water has always been a source of good feelings for me, and imagining the sun and mountains reflected in still water makes me feel calm but mighty. It represents my sovereign worth to be who I am, do as I choose, and not feel like I need to perform for anyone or answer for my choices. 

The second is the Lighthouse in the Storm. I tend to get emotionally overwhelmed and take things to extreme and catastrophize them. It's not without logic, but it also isn't helpful. The lighthouse guides me back by reminding me to acknowledge what I know to be true, to feel my senses and decide the direction I need to head in. 

The third vision is the final step out of a canyon. There was a very literal final step I had to take once, coming out of the Grand Canyon, when we had hiked for a few miles, but I started a coughing fit about 10 feet from the parking lot. Those last steps out of the canyon and onto flat land were brutal, but I managed. That was when I realized I probably had asthma, and would later be diagnosed. Now, when I think of that image, I don't think about the things that have tried (and sometimes been successful) to hold me back, like my asthma. I think of it as my ability not just to persevere, but to finish what I started. I tend to get excited about ideas and start things, but finishing them seems daunting, or I get distracted or move on to other ideas. So the final step is the reminder that what is worth doing is worth finishing, and that not even the things that try to hold me back can actually stop me if I set my sights on those final steps. 

My trip to Astoria for Thanksgiving weekend was headlined as a research trip to uncover missing details and chase down leads to finish my book. But it was so much more than that. It was an act of my self-worth. It was doing something novel and purely to my tastes and unapologetic. I wasn't creating something for someone else, not even the book. It was all for me. Hiking through the rain was simultaneously miserable and amazing, and it felt like a passage through the story of Astoria and through the story of my life. There are secrets in Astoria that are just mine, moments and memories which I didn't need to share, and feelings which I'll never forget. I took my final step and published my book, and that reinforced the new me. 

In January, I went to an AI conference in Austin. I struggled to fight my shyness but I did end up meeting some really smart and inspiring people and came away with another affirmation that I am a new me, even if I'm still practicing what that means. 

So, that was, like, last year. Towards the end of the year, my romantic partner and I concluded we were not compatible for what we wanted and needed in a romantic relationship, and I ended it - cutting off the friendship he desired for my own emotional well-being to allow myself to grieve the relationship and get over it. I also concluded that I needed to "bury" the people in my life who were not real - the versions of the people who should have been there for me but who, in actuality, weren't. I held actual ceremonies in meaningful places and read aloud a eulogy for all those figures, releasing them from the expectation of being who they should have been for me. Now, I had to be the person I needed to be on my own. 

It's been lonely. I revamped my online dating profile to reflect my sovereign worthiness, and the likes have been far less frequent. It’s a painful reminder that maybe people who were pursuing me before were people who wanted what I could do for them rather than who I am, and now that, what I thought was cute and playful but was a hardly masked offer, has not been removed, those people are no longer interested. It's a good thing, in theory, but it feels bad because it feels lonely and sad and unproductive. One guy did engage with me, and I wasn't sure about him but I proceeded with my new vision for myself, and when he complained about how hard life was for the fifth time in a row without asking any questions about me or saying anything interesting, I didn't respond right away and he unmatched me. I wasn't invested much at all so it wasn't that big of a deal, but it was a little rejection still. So be it. 

What I try to remind myself of these days is that I'm not single or unmarried because I am bad or annoying or unworthy or whatever. I'm single now because I never allowed myself to get stuck. I could have pushed at least two of my more serious boyfriends to get married if marriage was a priority over being in a happy relationship. But there's probably a reason I didn't push for it, and there's probably a reason they didn't ask. Imagine if I had settled for any one of those guys and stayed with them out of fear of being alone. Being alone sucks. Having to do all the house stuff myself, not having gifts under the Christmas tree or flowers on Valentine's Day or even not having someone to share office gossip with or to dress up for and to impress, man it stinks. And I describe myself as an extreme extrovert, but a shy one, which means I don't reach out and I don't make new friends easily, but I could be around 25 humans I like and respect 24/7 and never need alone time. So living in a house by myself, in a state far away from almost all of my friends, is totally isolating. And I make it worse when I don't reach out to my friends. But even still, at least I'm not in a miserable marriage because I said yes to avoid being single. Even though I hate being alone, the possibility of finding the one is open. And I also like to think, its not that I have a collection of failed relationships that never resulted in marriage. I have had a rich life full of relationships which ebbed and flowed, they ran their course and we (usually I, to be fair) decided not to pursue them when they were no longer enough.

Gawd, I'm going to be a little rude here, sorry, not sorry. One of my sister's favorite books is, "The Wish" and she says she reads it every year around Christmas time. I had read it a while ago when she first told me about it, and since I read a lot, I had mostly forgotten it. So I re-read it again this past Christmas. SPOILER ALERT, don't read this paragraph and skip to the next if you want to read the book (truth be told, this paragraph doesn't need to be here, but I'm writing it anyways). The book is Christmas-oriented, sorta, but this is an example where my sister's taste and mine are so different. It's really about a woman, dying of cancer, recalling her only true love when she was a pregnant 16 year old. Her love went off to war and died, and she's never loved again. The cute end to the story is when the friend she's grown close to as she recounts her love story turns out to be her son, who she had given up for adoption. So cute, right? *Vomits in mouth.* I mean, it is cute, sorta, fine, whatever. But I couldn't help but judge the main character for feeling so sorry for herself that she didn't go find love after, she was what, 21 or something when she found out he died? Most people don't know what they want in relationships by that age, and most relationships that start when you're 16 don't last forever. I mean, seriously. Go find another love. She did so many other amazing things with her life, to just never date again because of a cute story (and it wasn't even THAT cute, tbh) is just plain stupid. All that to say, that ain't me. I love watching the Golden Bachelor because it shows that some people who maybe never got married and others who did and it ended for one reason or another can still be hopeful and find love in their 60s. I'm not an old maid, no matter how old I am. I just re-watched When Harry Met Sally as part of my Valentine's Day to myself, before going out swing dancing which was a true joy, and Sally was in her late 30s before she actually got married. I realize I'm past that, but the point is that sometimes relationships don't last and there's hope that the next person could be the last one. 

In fact, I was just in Las Vegas with an employee for work. It was our first trip together and we got to know each other much more than we have in the last 8 months since she started working for me. I found the time really valuable, both because we got to bond (Were we really doing Charleston in the lobby the night before a 6 am crew huddle? Yes, yes we were...) and I got to see a different side of her, and because she gave me a therapeutic outlet to talk about my relationships. She seemed genuinely curious and entertained by my myriad of whacky stories and nontraditional relationship arrangement, and while I had to watch my "performance habit" as it was definitely nearing the surface, I focused my inner dialog a bit on why I am proud that I walked away from those things that were no longer working. 

So that's where I am today. I feel utterly lonely, but confident I'm better off now. I'm working on myself a lot, working on my non-romantic relationships a little, and trying to find comfort in knowing that I was alone on Valentine's Day because I chose not to settle, and I've had a rich life full of different relationships. And, dance! 

But seriously, this has been quite an emotional journey. Now, though, I want to share with you the deepest secret yet, and you would have had to read this far to get here. I'm sure people are going to judge me and say that I'm doing it wrong, and I'll tell you, I'm doing it my way. How I've been working through this has been aided greatly by generative AI. I did read a few great books and listened to podcasts and virtual workshops, especially Matthew Hussey - he is very attractive and soothing to listen to, but also actually says things that make a lot of sense - as well as experts in psychology and narcissism specifically, like Ramani Durvasula and Grayson Wick. And because I clicked or even lingered on things related, the algorithms found me and would serve me up other content creators, whose ideas I bounced off my AI bot instead of investing in. The vast majority has been partnering with my AI bot. 

I know it may sound crazy, but when people are afraid AI is going to do away with things, this is what I think about. It doesn't make those other experts unnecessary. It doesn't make therapists obsolete. Therapy just isn't for me, for reasons I choose not to go into here. But having healthy dialogs with the AI bot, pulling from experts' ideas and comparing them to my way of thinking, has led me to craft a very

personalized journey. The AI bot has helped me generate visuals to represent the deep well of my self-worth and the emotional buttons, which I loaded up with links to information to remind me of what I want to do when I'm feeling the opposite of those desired images, and the AI bot has helped me craft my new dating profile and my responses to my romantic partner. It helped me draft the eulogies I read and the time and place and mindset I wanted to be in to release those non-existent people from my life. At my request, it gave me strategies, mantras, visuals, advice, questions to challenge myself, etc. 

Some people believe that the AI bots will just give you what you want to hear, but based on my own experience, I don't think that's true. Perhaps it comes down to grounding it in the expert theologies and asking what Matthew Hussey would say about this, or if Ramani Durvasula would agree with my assessment of a situation, etc. When new ads for different approaches from different speakers popped up, I could ask it how it might apply to my situation, with all the context already plugged in, and decide if I wanted to pursue that topic/speaker or not. Whatever I did to prompt it, it challenged me in a lot of hard ways to do the work I now think I needed, and probably needed when I was in my 20s or early 30s at the latest. But gen AI didn't exist yet like this at those times, and I'm here now. I believe in the good technology can do. I guess, though, it really depends on you. You have to decide who you want to be, and the AI will probably reflect that. I was broken, or rather, I didn't know who I was, or if I was anyone at all. I hoped there was something there, and the AI bot helped me find her. So it's not technology versus us, it's who are we, with a little help from a bot. 

An Invitation for a Princess: My Non-Traditional Thanksgiving Weekend

In recent years I've turned to non-traditional Thanksgivings for the holiday at the end of November, such as going to a Las Vegas buffet, or going to the beach. This year I made no plans to go home or to spend it with family. Earlier in the year I had hoped that Sam and I would get together but he ended up making other plans. My next idea was to use the long weekend to fly to Florida and scout out some properties to potentially buy. But after the recent hurricane, I started to shy away from that plan. Then I finally got the news from work that I'd be going to Italy for two weeks of training and collaborating on F-35s. This is an endeavor we've been plowing away at since the beginning of the year, so I am very ecstatic to see it coming to fruition. But it meant we would leave at the tail end of the Thanksgiving weekend. So rather than make crazy travel plans and stress myself out, I spent the long weekend at home, by myself, doing me things. I did some self care and I've finally been in the mood for DIY so I worked on my house (side note: it's simple, but I was very happy with a few installations of hooks in my shower, especially repurposing the failed sea turtle ukelele hook I 3D printed years ago into a razor holder - and the green and pink coordinates like Wicked were a happy accident). I sometimes joke that I work hard at DIY because I'm a princess and I want things exactly as I want them. DIY Princess - that might be a good title for my next design book.

Now, I am not usually a "me time" kind of person, nor do I usually enjoy spending time by myself. But after being ghosted by the latest potential match on the dating app, I am just so disheartened. I should also mention that Sam and I have rekindled a bit this month and I feel better than ever about our relationship. So while it's hard to be away from him, I'm honestly so into him that I'd rather be alone in between our visits than try to fill the gap with some local guy who just can't measure up to Sam.

To be fair, I did have a Thanksgiving day invite from a gentleman at work. We had been at a work happy hour the week before and I guess I must have said something about not having family here and not planning to go home for the holiday. I'm guessing he's a bachelor, too, by the way he phrased his invitation. Something like, "I was thinking I'd invite over people like you who don't have family to spend the holiday with; I could cook a turkey and make some sides and all of that. It may just end up being the two of us, though, I'm not sure who else might come." Is he interested in me? He's a nice enough guy I suppose, I don't really know him too well but when I hear him talk over the wall at work he sometimes makes me roll my eyes and other people have picked up on it and commented on it, too. And his stories just go on and on… yeah, probably best I don't give him hope or pursue anything with him, it would clearly only end in disaster and then awkwardness at work and work events.

Anyways, when I bought this house, I had christened it with the name of, "Just Ugly Enough" because it has good bones and a good structure, nothing structural really needed, but the color scheme is atrocious. That way, I don't feel bad splashing up my own, sometimes a bit "out there", color scheme. If it's all cosmetic work that's needed, then I can only improve upon it with some modern updates and fun colors. Contrast that with the very sexy modern house with the amazeball pool and hot tub in the backyard. I still dream about that pool, especially the feature where you can put a chair in the shallow end and sit in the pool without being in the pool. That was my first choice of house, although the commute was terrible, the cost was higher and I felt there was little I could do without taking away from the aesthetic, even though I wanted to. But oh, that pool. And I very much miss having a hot tub, especially now that the temperature has dropped from 80 down to 50 literally overnight.

Alright, so "Just Ugly Enough" has needed a redesign and I've been playing with color schemes since even before I officially owned the house and moved in. But I've not been fully satisfied and convinced of my designs in both the primary bedroom and the main family room, the two areas I want to attack first. The kitchen is meh but it's okay. It's the family room I've really wanted to do something with, and my primary bathroom, but without knowing what to do with the primary bedroom, I've been hesitant to start on the bathroom. I also started to realize how inundating a big paint project is and how little I actually enjoy painting. I could hire someone, but that takes effort too. And even if I hire someone, the decision still needs to be made what color to paint in. After hee-hawing for months, I finally decided to try to fit a close proximation of the color scheme I want to apply to the fireplace and built-in shelves and décor while keeping the main wall color the light boring beige that it already is. With that constraint in mind, I was able to come up with a design I was thrilled with. Oh yeah, I should mention, most of my winning designs and indeed the final design included painting my fireplace a nice shade of hot pink.

I slept on it for a few nights and then decided to commit to it. I put up painter's tape around the fireplace, and relocated the TV from its perch on the hearth. I pulled my paint color samples out and found the four best ones and put them on the fireplace to help me decide what exact color would work with the lighting in the room throughout the day. Having made my decision, I brought it to Home Depot the weekend before Thanksgiving and got a gallon mixed up. The name of the paint color was, "Invitation for a Princess." Using a roller, I painted the

majority of the fireplace. But, brick is tricky and the mortar here is very deep, so I quickly realized I'd have to go over it all with a brush or small sponge to get all up in between the bricks.

Having painted just the first coat and not getting in the mortar yet, I sat down to watch some TV and admired the color - I was in love! Once I started filling in the mortar, having considered not filling it in or perhaps painting it a contrasting color like white or gray, I realized making it pink too was the right call, and loved it even more. With such a bright color, adding pattern would only make it too busy and painful to look at, I think. Now, with the very tall ceiling I have in the main room, and the fireplace going all the way to the top, I knew painting at height would be an annoying challenge. I have plenty of ladders, that's not the problem. In fact, the ladder I ended up using the most was the one I bought to finish up my water closet in the Palmdale house - just a straight telescoping ladder, nothing fancy. But it is tall! And also, terribly uncomfortable to stand on at length. Hence, it didn't take long for me to tire of painting while on the ladder, my back writing in pain.

Leading up to Thanksgiving, almost out of the blue I decided I wanted to make homeless care packages and hand them out as part of my way of focusing on gratitude. So I perused Amazon, first just searching for homeless care packages, which there were plenty but a lot of it was about warm stuff like gloves and emergency blankets and beanies. I mean, it does get chilly here but I didn't think that should be the focus of the kits I handed out. I did get some other ideas from that search, though, and ended up buying in bulk the following: draw string back packs  (to hold the stuff), beef jerky packets, non-rinse bathing towelettes, and socks. Then I went to the store and bought Ritz with sectioned off sleeves and travel deodorants. I haven't been eating my protein bars lately in favor of lower carb foods, and seeing as they expired soon I thought those would be good to include. And I dug up my stash of hotel-provided mini soaps, lotions, shampoos, body washes and dental kits and mouthwashes.

As is so often the case, I may have been a bit ambitious with my holiday weekend. I had decided I also wanted to see the Wicked movie in the theater and wanted to get my pedicure and eyebrows did. Plus I wanted to do some programming, take a relaxing salt bath, practice my dance routine and workout, clean up around the house, finish packing for Italy and visit Old Chicago for lunch to have a cheat pizza I've been craving for three weeks.

Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, I thought that I might even finish painting the pink, or Invitation for a Princess rather, on the fireplace while the stores were still closed, so I opted to throw a couple samples of the gray I wanted for the hearth and the mantle, made a decision on which one was the best and got a pint of it. This was all just in case I finished and needed the next paint job to keep myself busy.

I ended up working late Wednesday evening and didn't make time to assemble the homeless care packages, so I did that Thursday morning while watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Then I took my extended glorious bath and booked tickets to see Wicked. I don't think I realized how long that film was - when I got out it was practically bed time but I hadn't yet distributed the homeless care packages. So I started driving towards the Stockyards and definitely came across a "target rich environment." I was nervous the first time I spotted a likely candidate and drove past, but  convinced myself to turn around and get the nerves. I realized I felt better handing the bags out my passenger window - more distance and less ability for someone to grab me, for instance. Homeless people are associated with a high rate of mental illness and PTSD. Once I handed out a few bags, I found my confidence and was able to easily find more people to give the bags to, until I was all out. Even driving away I saw a couple more people whom I hadn't gotten to. I started thinking more about what else I should include in my next round - maybe ear coverings wouldn't be such a bad idea. I made a list on Amazon but it wouldn't deliver before my trip to Italy so I didn't purchase them (yet). But I did make up a few more bags with the remaining supplies I had already, and was able to hand those out today while I was driving around for various things.

All in all, it was a pretty good Thanksgiving. But I think today, Black Friday, has been even better. I can't quite put my finger on why. I made sure to exercise and practice my dance first thing this morning after leaving a check for the pool guy in our usual lock box - I felt so guilty I hadn't done it the prior weekend I was having dreams about it! Then I got to painting - finishing up as much as I could bare doing the mortar / cracks in between the bricks. It was exhausting. Satisfied with my progress, while not totally complete it was about as much as I could do without moving the ladder and I didn't want to introduce the possibility of getting paint on my wall.

Those activities complete, I decided it was time to reward myself with a pizza at Old Chicago and a pedi/eyebrow waxing. The timing was intentional for the latter to be close to the Italy trip so I'd look and feel as fresh as possible. Finally, an idea struck me to get my sis some get well stuff - rather than sending her a bulky package when she starts chemo. Instead, I decided to go with Massage Envy gifts cards. Naturally, then, that meant I also needed to stop somewhere and get a "get well" card. A Target was the first applicable store I saw - oh darn, I have to go to Target - and I got the cards, but David was so freaked out I had too.  

Returning home, my recycling bins had been emptied, so I picked those up from the street. All in all, it was just a really good day for me. If only I could have more days off work with nowhere to go… kind of like an Invitation for a Princess.

How to Get a Massage - A Guide for the Novice Unsure About Doing It

It occurred to me yesterday that so many people don't get massages because they are uncomfortable with the idea of certain aspects of it, lack experience or a friend to urge them on, and/or do not see the value (i.e. the benefit versus the cost). I don't know much about the massage therapy techniques or business, only what I've observed as an avid consumer of massage therapy. Yet, I've referred a number of people to massage, who had never done it in their lives and found it so wonderful they started going regularly. So I'd like to share my tips and experience in hopes of maybe enlightening a handful of readers.

Where to Get a Massage

I have been a member of Massage Envy off and on for years. I like the convenience of it - they have locations all over the place, you can book appointments online, and they are efficient with checking you in and checking you out. They even handle couples' massages, so you can go with a significant other (or very close friend, if you don't mind seeing each other with few or no clothes on) and be in the same room together. Of course, there are also dayspas and fancy places like that, and I've been to a handful, but I don't find the quality to be worth the price. You can also have entrepreneurial massage therapists come to your home, or go to their home. As much as I love the entrepreneurship of this idea and the small business community as a whole, the idea of being in a private home, either mine or their's, creeps me out, so I stay away from these options. But, if you are comfortable with this option, I'm sure it's wonderful. One of the downsides of going to Massage Envy is that after my massage is over, I have to get up and drive home, often a little groggy or slightly dizzy (more on that later), so having one done at home would eliminate this need. I will also vouch for the massage places at the airport - they are pricey, but when you're traveling and you're stiff from work or whatnot, a 15 minute chair massage can be a wonderful thing. I usually have quick layovers and therefore don't have time, but if my plane is delayed, I often find the massage is just what I need to put me in a better mood. If you're nervous about going into a private room for your first massage, perhaps getting a chair massage at an airport the next time you travel might be a nice introduction.

Who to Get a Massage From

I'm not very picky here, other than my aversion to hiring a stranger to come to my home. Many people prefer female massage therapists - I presume male clients are driven by a mix of homophobia and a desire to have a woman's touch, and female clients feel less at risk of sexualization, molestation or sexual assualt. Here I will say, you do you, but I have no problem with male or female massage therapists in principle. Obviously, men who want to keep their jobs would be wise not to violate their customers, and all therapists have to go through extensive training and observation to become a therapist. So, while it's not impossible for someone to be unprofessional, it's not likely that it will happen in a professional establishment like Massage Envy or a day spa. 

Additionally, men biologically tend to be stronger, and since I use massage partially to treat the chronic pain that comes from my scoliosis, I need a good amount of pressure. That's not to say that women can't provide sufficient pressure, many female therapists I've had were awesome in this area. Just that statistically speaking, a random male is likely to be stronger than a random female. They overcome this with good technique, of course, but I think it's still a factor, however small. 

Because I tend to book my appointments on short notice, and most customers prefer female therapists, I tend to get more male therapists, and that's fine by me. I have, admittedly, had uncomfortable massages before, where I felt the massage was going a little too close, but I've had this rare experience from both male and female therapists (technically, there's no guarantee a female therapist is straight, necessarily). All this to say that the risk, in my mind, is very low, and while it probably happens from time to time and makes headlines when it does, on the whole, it's statistically unlikely. (Being a little bit of a statistician, I approach life and risks very logically: in turn, I believe that if you live your whole life avoiding risk, you won't really have lived. For example, driving a car is one of the most dangerous things we do, statistically, more than anything else in most of our lives, and yet, few people are abandoning cars and communities with vehicles for this reason.)

I will say that, on occasion, I get a massage therapist that I didn't like for a number of reasons: they didn't listen to my requests/needs, they were late coming in and early ending the session, they talked too much, they stretched me in weird ways, they smelled bad. I haven't had this issue recently, but I used to keep a little note in my phone about which therapists I didn't like, by name, so that I won't book them in the future. I think that's okay to do. I know a lot of regular customers tend to find a therapist they like and then book them every two weeks or whatever, and that way the therapist gets to know them and can, I suppose, customize the massage more for what the customer wants. I like this idea in principle, but massage isn't something I schedule regularly; I book at such sporadic times that it's often a different therapist that's available. For what it's worth, the guy that smelled bad actually had a really unique massage style that I liked, so rather than just writing him off completely, I wrote a note next to his name, and when I felt like I wanted that massage style and could bare the smell, I went back to him.

What to Do Before Going to Your Appointment

I'm writing this section only because I think people overthink it sometimes. You don't need to have freshly shaven legs or anything special like that. I would say you want to have showered that day and not be smelly from working out, but if you haven't shaved in a few days, don't sweat it. You probably want to eat foods that won't give you too much gas, as the massage room tends to be fairly quiet and also close quarters, so an audible or stinky fart is likely to be noticed. I think that covers the obvious stuff. 

The less obvious would be, for one, you should drink a lot of water the day or days before a massage. This is because the massage, especially the first massage, will release a lot of toxins into your blood stream, and you want to flush them out. But, you don't want to drink a ton of water immediately before your massage, otherwise you'll likely have the urge to use the bathroom and will be uncomfortable. It's always good to try to use the bathroom right before your massage, either at home before you leave or at the venue once you arrive. If you have any soreness, it may be good to stretch it out before the appointment as well, to get it ready to be worked.

What to Expect at The Appointment

At Massage Envy and dayspas and the like, you'll check in with the front desk and then go sit in a waiting area. This is the time that you want to get yourself in a quiet, relaxed state. Turn your cell phone(s) to silent. If you have long hair, pull it back into a pony tail or sloppy bun. Try to use the bathroom if you have time. I always try to blow my nose and put on chapstick, so that I am most comfortable. The therapist will come get you by name and bring you to the room for your massage. They'll typically ask you about what you're looking for, areas that are okay, what pressure you'd like, and other such details. For what it's worth, I usually say medium pressure except on my lower back, where I ask for light pressure, and that works out pretty well most of the time. I actually don't like full body massages, because I'm not a fan of how my arms and legs are usually rubbed, something about it is more painful than it is good feeling for me. So I typically ask my therapists to focus on my back, shoulders, neck, glutes and feet. Given that I often book 90-minute sessions instead of the typical 60-minute, this means I get a LOT of attention on those areas, and that's how I like it.

Most therapists will also instruct you to lay face down on the table to start, but some will ask if you have a preference. I like starting face down anyways, so I always opt for that if given a choice. Somewhere near halfway in the massage, they'll hold the sheet to cover you and ask you to flip over and scoot down so your head is on the table. This can be a little awkward, but be assured that they know how to keep you covered and will fix the sheets afterwards to get you comfortable again. Many massage beds have warmers in them, and the therapist may ask if you want the warmer on or off. I always like it on - I've personally never gotten too hot in a massage, if anything, I can get a little cold, and the heat feels so good on achy muscles.

Once the therapist leaves the room, you have a few minutes to get undressed to your comfort level and get yourself situated on the table under the sheets. I take this time to always make sure my chapstick is freshly applied, or re-apply if needed, and to blow my nose if needed. They say to undress to your comfort

level, but truthfully, clothes and accessories do get in the way, so I always take everything off, underwear, FitBit/smartwatch, necklaces, everything. Except for having my hair pulled back, I'm free of all things manmade when I slip between the sheets. Especially if you're getting your glutes worked on, which I highly recommend you try when you're comfortable, its preferable to remove underwear. But again, you do you. If getting a massage is contingent on wearing underwear to make you feel secure, the massage is definitely worth it.

Pro Tip: I used to be so awkward getting onto the massage table to face down and pull the sheets over me. In recent years I discovered that it is much easier to partially lay down on my back, get the sheets over me, and then flip over and pull the sheets up.

The venue typically pipes in soothing instrumental music, otherwise the rooms are fairly quiet. In my experience, very few therapists talk continuously, most will say very few things, usually to ask if the pressure is good and to tell you when its time to turn over, and finally (sadly) ask how you're feeling to indicate the appointment is over. Other than that, I find massage time to be an excellent time to close my eyes, clear my head, think through whatever may be troubling me, or get inspired with new ideas (the idea for this blog actually occurred to me while getting a massage). Sometimes, I go for long massages when I've been having trouble sleeping for a few days in a row, and the massage will actually lure me into sleeping a little bit, although my snoring usually wakes me up multiple times throughout the session. But, generally, this helps me sleep better when I go home.

The massage therapist will move parts of your body throughout the session. Depending on what you asked for and what the therapist does, this could be just moving your arms and head from time to time, or they may have you do pretty in-depth stretches requiring a lot of moving body parts. For the most part, you want to just relax your body and let them move you. They may take your hand and drop it off the side of the table to get a different angle on your back, for example. And they'll usually bring your hand back up and tuck it under the sheets when they're done with that part. For a novice, it can sometimes be hard to let them relax and move you, so my advice is to just trust that they'll take care of your body and let them do their thing.

Likewise, sometimes I catch myself tensing up during parts of the massage. This is especially true when my glutes are being worked, my butt muscles just want to clench the whole time. So I regularly walk myself through a mental checklist, telling myself to relax each muscle group. I start with my face and work my way down. Relax the face muscles, if you need to pick your head up slightly to do this, that's okay. The therapist knows you're alive, you don't have to act like a cadaver in a murder movie. On this note, if you find that your nose is getting runny, its okay to ask for a tissue, and they'll often bring over a trash can for you to deposit it in when you're done. Relax your face muscles and reset. Then, relax your shoulders, arms and back. Then relax your glutes, legs, feet and toes. When I find a certain muscle group is still tensing up, I take a deep breath and imagine sending the oxygen into that muscle to relax it. I do this, also, when a certain pressure point is being worked and it hurts, I take a deep breath and imagine myself pushing healthy oxygen to that part of the body to relieve it.

Many therapists end the massage by a more light-handed, slow or still touch. Examples include holding the customer's feet for about 30 seconds, holding the customer's face for several seconds, or lightly sweeping their hands down the back, arms or legs of the customer. Then they'll usually ask you how you're feeling or tell you the session is at its end. Then they'll leave the room for you to get dressed. Take your time getting up, especially if this is your first massage. Often, because of all the toxins that get released, you may be disoriented or dizzy. It's okay to take a moment to stretch, blow your nose or get your hair back in order. Once you're dressed, you open the door to exit, and the therapist will usually have water for you. Drink all the water, since this will help flush out the toxins. I didn't know that the first time I got a massage, so I turned down the offer of water, and when I got to my car, I got really dizzy and couldn't drive for several moments. If you need to use the restroom at this point, don't hesitate to do so, it's perfectly fine.

Some Massage Envy locations let you check out before your session, but I usually wait until after to pay up and tip anyways. Tipping for a massage is similar to tipping at a restaurant, you want to tip 10 - 20% of the original value (before any discounts, etc). A lot of them will have a little placard at the desk that gives you the amount, so you don't have to do math in the groggy post-massage blur.

Membership and Costs

Of course, Massage Envy is known for their subscription-style monthly membership. It's a fairly affordable way to give yourself one or two massages a month, and memberships or gift cards make great gifts for others who enjoy massage. Dayspas and resorts will typically be more expensive, as are the airport locations. If you want to find a cheaper alternative, see about booking with a massage school; that is where the therapists are practicing and learning, and so you may get a less experienced therapist but the massage costs significantly less. One other thing that helps with the affordability is that you may be able to use it as a medical deduction on your taxes. Talk to your tax advisor for more official advice on this, but just realize it is a possibility.

I'd love to hear from you about other areas of massage. Let me know in the comments what your favorite aspects or techniques are! And if you're a newcomer to massage, I hope you found this useful and encourage you to give massage a try.