On Mantras

I recently noticed a theme in my life that I hadn't really realized touched on so many aspects of living - mantras.  Now mind you, I am very action- and results-oriented, so words alone don't mean much to me.  But my realization was that some words drive action and results for me that others don't - and that makes those words, or sequences of words, very powerful.  My hope is that by sharing these very personal insights, others can use them or a variation of them to inspire and motivate themselves.

Last weekend I took the APICS Train-the-Trainer class again; I had not taken it in several years and I have grown as a presenter, instructor and public speaker substantially since that first class.  But I recalled the key to getting over my nerves in public speaking, and it was a mantra I had learned in that class:  

"The audience wants to see you succeed."  

There was more to the idea, to be sure.  Nobody in the audience wants to see a speaker flounder, break under pressure, stutter, talk too fast, or do anything else that distracts from the message.  Indeed, the audience comes to hear a no-name speaker generally for one reason - the message, or content, that speaker has promised.  Thus, it is our jobs as speakers, instructors, lecturers, whatever we may be, to deliver the content or message in the best way we are able to.  This idea, somehow had the power to break me of my shaking, stuttering, talking too fast, and sweating, that accompanied giving a speech or lecture.  I have grown into a comfortable, casual instructor.  It is especially easy when I know the material thoroughly, but for material I am less confident in, rehearsing can prepare me to be just as comfortable in front of the audience.  The envision-everyone-in-their-underpants trick never worked for me, and no other public speaking trick I've heard of has helped, but hearing and believing that the audience wants me to succeed did, and still does. 

My second mantra is what finally kicked my butt into gear to start exercising and eating healthy again.  I let myself get into a habit of eating whatever I enjoyed, and stress eating, and not exercising as much as I should because I had so many other things to do.  I realized a while back that getting back in shape would never work if I didn't commit myself 100% of the time to that goal; some goals can be worked on sporadically, but health is not a goal like that.  Dieting and exercising needs to be priority number one, or it is not going to succeed at all.  But even after those realizations, I had a hard time getting myself committed - I knew it took commitment to do it consistently, but I just couldn't find the motivation within me to commit.  Finally, I had had enough.  It was a little over a month ago that I declared to myself (and not really anyone else except those impacted by my commitment), that I was going to turn this thing around.  The mantra I have found to help me stay committed is this: 

"There is nothing more important to do today than to get healthy."  

Sometimes I phrase it into questions: "What is the most important thing I need to do today?  Is it (whatever else I'm considering doing)?  Or getting healthy?"  Invariably, unless I have a specific appointment I need to attend to, when I ask myself these questions, I end up at the gym or working out in some way.  It also keeps me motivated while I'm at the gym.  When I find myself thinking about all the other things I want to accomplish that evening, I start thinking about cutting my workout short.  But then I stop and ask myself what's more important, and I stay on track with my workout. 

I think it's important to note that some quotes or mantras don't work for some people.  For example, I've had this quote on my closet door for years, in hopes of inspiring me to work out every morning: 

"This is not about instant gratification. You have to work hard for it, sweat for it, give up sleeping in." - Lauren Fessenden  

Unfortunately, despite its fantastic placement next to my alarm clock, it has done nearly nothing for me.  It seems compelling to me, and yet, it has compelled me to do very little.  Maybe it will inspire others as I thought it would inspire me.  For some reason I can't put my finger on, it just didn't work on me. 

It's been a while since I've needed this next mantra, but it was very effective.  It was for when I was single, and feeling like I'd forever be single.  I simply looked at a couple comprised of individuals I see nothing desirable in, and say, "If THEY can find someone to love them, then surely there is a match out there for me."  Kind of mean, but you know, it's better than just saying I'll never find anyone.  It kept me looking for love when it seemed impossible to find love.  It didn't get me all the way to my current relationship, but it got me mostly there, and luck, and good friends got me the rest of the way.  Now, of course, I don't need the mantra because I have found a love who makes me so overwhelmingly happy it's hard to believe he's real.

Music has also been very instrumental in pushing me forward throughout my life.  I don't recall exactly which song it was, but I remember having one song that was current at the time be my motivation to finish my calculus homework for an entire semester.  I borrow from musicals quite extensively; Wicked's "Dancing Through Life" when I need to de-stress and enjoy life more, and Pippin's "Extraordinary" when I am feeling trapped. 



Now, to reward you for sticking with me so far, I'm going to tell you a very strange personal secret.  I don't remember when or how it started, but for as long as I can remember, I've had this mantra running through my head: "I make over $100,000 a year."  I don't, in reality, and I never have thus far.  But it is certainly a goal of mine.  The weird thing is it might run through my head 40 times a day.  When I'm walking, when I'm in the elevator, when I'm brushing my teeth, when I'm applying deodorant, when I'm showering, it plays over and over again in my head.  It bothers me a little bit that I can't make it stop; I'm not sure if it makes me feel like I'm greedy, or too narrowly-focused, or what it might say about me psychologically.  Someday, I'm sure, I'll achieve that goal, and maybe that voice will be quiet.  Or maybe it will pick up a different mantra.  Or maybe, it will simply increase the quota.  I don't know.  All I know is that it drives me, everyday, to do my job to the best of my ability (or seek out a new job that I can do to the best of my ability if I don't see my job going anywhere), so that I may one day be the kind of person to make $100,000 a year. 

I can't think of any other real mantras that I've used, but now that I am more aware of their power, I may create new ones or realize more that I've forgotten here.  I am also curious to know what mantras other people have used to help them through something.

What a Girl Wants

Or, more specifically, what this girl wants, and not so much wants, as needs.  I'd like to think I'm reasonable, easy going and low-maintenance, but I know I'm demanding with my boyfriends.  I have known this.  I have come to accept it, I think because when I try to give too much of it up, I end up hurting more than if I just stood up for what I want.  I'm tired of giving up too much, and I'm wary of doing it again.  Even still, I don't think my demands are unreasonable.  

I need to feel loved.  That must be the most important thing, because so much boils down to that.  I'm not a very jealous person:  my boyfriend can dance with whomever he wants and he can be friends with girls, I have no problem with either, as long as at the end of the day, I know he's mine.  But I only know he's mine when I feel loved.  I want there to be "us" time.  He can have his "me" time and he can have his friend time.  He has time for school and time for work and time for homework.  But I need some time to be for me.  And I prefer a lot of it, but I don't demand a lot of it, especially when his time is absorbed with school and homework.  Feeling loved I think is both an ongoing thing and an incremental thing.  Saying "I love you," and hugging and kissing and cuddling are all good for the ongoing thing, but I still need to feel extra special sometimes.  This means that I need to be taken out to dinner or treated to a surprise, something above and beyond routine, every now and then.

I need to know the plan.  His time and his friend time and his homework time and his work time and his family time are all okay, as long as I am given enough information to manage my expectations.  If I know he won't be around, then I can make my own plan to do what I want.  I think I communicate my plans very clearly, maybe to the point of giving too much information, but that's how my mind works.  I would rather overcommunicate than let someone think I have ditched them.  Even if the plan is to "wing it" or be spontaneous, that's okay, as long as I know when it will start and stop.  We can spend a whole weekend doing whatever, but I know on Monday morning I have to go back to work, and I can't be somewhere that prohibits that from happening.  I don't need to know every detail, but timing is important.  If the plan is, "I have a surprise for you," or "I want to take you somewhere," just tell me when to be ready and make sure I'm home in time to get some sleep if I have work in the morning.  As long as it doesn't conflict with what I've already established as part of my plan, I don't need to know any more.  And if my boyfriend is going out with friends, I don't need him to have a curfew, I just need to know that he may not be home when I come home from work, or that he will be out late and I should do dinner on my own.  I just need to know enough to decide whether or not I should make plans for myself.

I need to feel appreciated.  I go out of my way to do nice things for my boyfriend, and I want to know that he noticed.  I am sure I can also show more appreciation as well, so I'm not going to pretend its a one-way street. This is just a fundamental need.  

I need to be allowed to breakdown.  Life is hard, and I get stressed.  I am generally a very strong person, but I can't always be the strong one.  I need someone that I can lean on when life overwhelms me.  I need to feel taken care of when I'm sick or vulnerable or frustrated.  

I need to feel included.  Some research shows that men separate the parts of their lives into buckets, and they don't like mixing the buckets.  If that's the case, and the girlfriend bucket is separate from the family, friends, and work buckets, then I guess I'd ask my boyfriend to consciously make an effort to bring me in, especially when it impacts me and also when it is obvious I am available.  For example, holiday planning should be done together; it is not acceptable for my boyfriend to commit to his family without first talking with me about it.  That puts me in an awkward ultimatum; I either go with him or have to be separated from him for the holiday. Holidays can be a sensitive topic, and I think planning should be treated as a negotiation, not an ultimatum.  As another example, if I want to get together with some friends for drinks, I always ask my boyfriend if he wants to go before setting the plans in stone.  If he doesn't want to go, then I tend to choose a time when he is working or planning to do something else.  That way, that leaves time open for when we both might be available so that we can do something together.  If he does want to go, then I of course try to accommodate his schedule in planning.  This is my inclusive mindset; I like having everyone around me, the more the merrier with me.  All I ask is that I am likewise included in social plans that my boyfriend is involved in.  If his friends want to meet at a time that I am not available, so be it.  But I'd still like to know in case my plans are flexible, so I am given the option of attending.  If he makes plans for when he knows or thinks I may be available and doesn't invite me, I don't generally understand that at all, but if its a boy's night out or something explainable, I can live with it.  If it becomes a habit, though, I may have a problem again.  

I need to get my way sometimes.  Some relationships don't work this way, I guess, but I insist on it.  I will not be shut out completely and told what to do by the person I claim to love.  We can't always go to the restaurants he's in the mood for, or watch the movies he wants to watch, or do the things that he wants to do.  We need to go to a restaurant of my choice, watch the movie I want to watch, and do the things I want to do some times.  Certainly not all the time, and I think I tend to be very giving in this area, because my priority is spending time together, and I care less about what it is we're doing as long as I have that quality time.  But I can't give in every time, period.  

I need to see progress.  This might be the thing that, more than anything else, makes me hard to love or come off as demanding.  But it's a part of me, it's how I've come as far as I have and it's why I'll go even farther.  I push people, and I push myself.  If my boyfriend says he wants to do something, I will push him to accomplish the steps that will get him there.  I guess I hate lipservice and dreaming that are not supported by action.  If he says he wants something, I assume that he really wants it, and I want to help him get it, and I expect him to hold up his end, or tell me he no longer wants it.  So if my boyfriend wants to buy a house, he should go get pre-approved for a loan and then find a realtor.  If my boyfriend says he wants to go to England, then he better get a Passport.  One thing that endears my boyfriend to me is when he helps me accomplish my goals, because I like to see progress on my desires too, not just on his.  When my boyfriend helps me with a home improvement project, that becomes one of my fondest memories, even if it was brief and the help was minimal.  Progress with relationships is generally important to me, too, but I am perfectly happy with the state of our relationship and do not feel like we need to move forward anymore right now.  Early on, I wanted my boyfriend to move in pretty darn quickly, and I knew I was asking him to move faster than he was used to, but we talked about it honestly and he did move in pretty quickly.  If he hadn't, I may have pushed more for progress, but where we are now is great.  I imagine in the future I will want to get engaged and get married, and once I feel that itch I will want to see progress towards that or I will get frustrated, but that is for the future.  

I need to have fun.  Work is tough, chores suck, exercise is hard to get excited for, and paying bills can be depressing, but these are things in life we must do.  If that is all we did, though, I think I'd kill myself.  I work hard and stay healthy so I can have fun, and I do chores and pay bills so I can enjoy my house and let others enjoy it.  I'm simultaneously easy to please and difficult to please in this matter, because just about anything sounds like fun at least one time, but I like variety.  Watching TV every night will not suffice, I will want to get out and dance.  Dancing every night might drain me, and I would want to stay in and watch TV.

The good news for my current boyfriend is that he is pretty damn good at all of these things.  My only reservation all along was that he is maybe too good at the having fun thing, and not so good on the making progress thing.  But, he lets me push him and he responds as best anyone could when I get upset.  I know he loves me by his words and his actions, and, at my request, he has worked on communicating his plans to me.  He handles the relationship stuff with maturity, and I love him.