Have my cake and eat it, too

Happy New Year! I did something that is either fucked up or brilliant. Time will tell, I suppose.

My New Year's Eve started out as a pretty chill evening after a day balanced with productivity and relaxation. I was even thinking I'd tell Deric I loved him. Andrew, Sonia, Deric and I went to my favorite local restaurant, Broken Bit, for dinner. Deric had been drinking before the dinner and joined me in drinking cocktails at dinner. After a great meal, we went back to my place for more drinks and to ring in the new year.

I knew Deric was drinking too much, and I tried to control the situation, sort of. Control is a whole different topic I should probably write through at some point; it seems that control is pretty important to me in an unhealthy way. But that's for another time. I think last night I may have, whether subconsciously intentional or just through a lack of intention, I let Deric drink too much and get out of hand. What I didn't expect, at least not consciously, was how he would come out with immensely hurtful and misogynistic comments towards Sonia which may have just as well been against me. And there it was, I suppose. The opportunity to fight with him and end things. And we fought. I told him I was "done with this shit."

And there it is. Vague enough that this morning I woke up both with a boyfriend and with the notion of being done with him. I have found that having a boyfriend makes me feel peace and puts my mind at ease a bit, but also that I want to be open to finding that really knock-off-my-socks relationship. So my messed up, self-sabotaging subconscious has given me permission to claim a boyfriend to be at peace but also to pursue better, truer love. It's also quite convenient given my job insecurity - if I have to move to Fort Worth or elsewhere this year, it won't be a big heartbreak to leave Deric. It may even give me a second chance with Tommy, since distance was the biggest issue there.

I suppose it means I will need to date more in private now, if that's my plan. But truly, I think I was mostly sharing my dating on facebook for Jaiman's benefit so he could see I was not cheating on him emotionally or physically, that I didn't fall directly into my male friends' arms as I think he assumed I would. Now that he's unfriended me, and gosh it's been almost a year, I think it's time to stop worrying about him, stop worrying about men in general, and finally start focusing on me, truly.

Oh and as far as the fight, Deric was a freaking idiot and I'll wait for him to decide what's next for us. In the meantime, I feel better than ever, starting off the New Year phenomenally. At peace, with my mind in a good place, and ready to take on 2024.