2024: Planning for Me

Water

For as long as I can remember, I have been infatuated with water. Maybe it’s a survival instinct, having grown up and then returning in my adult life to desert environments. But I think it's more about the sensory, either soothingly warm or refreshingly cool, the calming sounds, the literal lightness of being in water, that draws me in. As early as I can remember, I think it started with not wanting to transition from childish baths to grown-up showers. But even when I did, I took long showers. My family noticed and made fun of me, but that didn't necessarily deter my behaviors. I remember an early childhood vacation with just me and my parents to Shell Beach in California, my Mom teaching me how to let my feet sink into the sand as the ocean waves rose and ceded around them, and me playing in the pool as long as my parents would allow me to and pushing the boundaries at that.

I love swimming. Not necessarily swimming for exercise, although I try to do that now when the weather allows. Moreso, I love moving in water. Whether its stretching out and floating, letting the water push me around where it will, or cycling my legs and moving them around while bobbing up and down, or calmly doing the elementary backstroke while taking in the view, I love the feeling of moving in water. I have another childhood memory that encompasses this: while we were moving to New Jersey, my parents and I stayed in a hotel for most of the summer and I met a boy around my age who was also there for a long-term stay. He and I would spend hours in the pool together and, while I may have liked him romantically, I don't recall there ever being anything suggestive in the pool with him. Rather, we put together and perfected what we thought was a pretty neat series of circus-like underwater tricks which we'd perform for unimpressed adults. I think he must have shared my love of the water because we both seemed to think what we were doing was amazing, and it clearly wasn't. In my pool here in Palmdale, I find it absolutely breathtaking (not literally) to see the depth from under the water, see the crazy lines the sun and small waves make on the pool floor, it's like a secret world that's all my own. It's hard to describe but it's just one of those things that absolutely thrills me. Easily thrilled, right?

I wrote a post a couple years ago about my happy places - locations to which I've loved traveling to that make me happy. The three places all have to do with water. Oahu, or Hawaii more generally as I can now count Maui in my travel experience, is lovely because of the beautiful oceans and eternal summer allowing for year-round swimming and walks on the beach. Among many other things, I love Japan for its hot springs culture - soaking in an Onsen (hot spring) was a life-changing experience for me and I've been back many times to do just that, and I especially loved my room on the beautiful island of Miyajima which had its own private Onsen. The third location is Venice, which is known for being basically waterlocked and having canals throughout the city and bridges going over the canals. In fact, in one of my favorite pictures from Venice, I'm wearing a shirt that says, "Life is better by the water."

When I moved from Arizona to Connecticut, one of the non-negotiables for me was to have a heated pool. I one-upped this when I moved to Florida and got a house right by the beach. I loved walking or running down to the beach, stretching while the sun rose over the ocean or jumping in to the warm, clear water when the weather was good. That beach in PCB is what broke me of my terror of sand, since its sand was clean, thin white "sugar sand" which I learned to tolerate. When we moved to San Diego, I wanted to live downtown and, against my better judgment, did not buy a place with a bathtub, which I very quickly regretted and compensated for by planning my vacations around what kind of baths different places had. The bonus of living in San Diego was that we were very close to the ocean and when I went for my morning run in Balboa Park - one of the best venues for running in my experience - I could soak up that ocean air and it made me feel so good. Having learned my lessons, the house I bought in Palmdale has a heated pool, a hot tub, and a nice size soaking bathtub in the master, in addition to regular showers and tubs. Many people have commented on how I'm practically living in a resort, and I tend to agree, it's just about perfect, or at least as perfect as it can be in Palmdale, California.

Unlike most people, I can spend hours in the hot tub. I especially enjoy my own private hot tub in the cold of the desert winter - going out there  weekend mornings and watching the sunrise in my hot tub is my own private zen paradise. I'll often be weirdly productive in the hot tub - I'll bring my breakfast, listen to my audiobook or do some writing, sometimes I'll even bring my work laptop out with me and knock out computer based trainings that I'm required to do.

I like being on boats - cruise ships or speed boats or ferries or jet skis. Not only do they afford me the chance to bring back that never-dying song, "I'm on a Boat" by Lonely Island, but I just love the feeling of floating or crashing through waves, whichever the case may be. Even though sometimes it makes me motion sick, I still love it. I'm down for whale watching tours even if we don't see whales, because being on the water makes me so happy. And, I'm usually pretty lucky when it comes to wildlife sightings so we usually see something cool. Queue video of mama and baby humpback whale coming within feet of our snorkeling tour boat this past week. AMAZING! 

When I'm on the beach or in the ocean, I feel like I'm more myself - even though I hate sand. I feel healthy, like I can breathe better, figuratively and literally/physically. I can meditate on the ocean surf crashing on the beach, rising and falling, and that relieves the inner turmoil in my head and the physical pain from migraine. I can float comfortably when I'm in the ocean, and I am comfortable swimming as needed. I enjoy snorkeling when the water is clear, and I have had some extraordinary experiences with sea turtles or in the Great Barrier Reef, and most recently at Molokini Crater which has visibility up to 150 or 200 feet!

It makes me think that my life needs more beach in it. I'm like Ken from the Barbie movie, I just Beach. I don't lifeguard, and I'm not a surfer, I Beach, and I'm good at it. I've been living in Los Angeles County for over two years but have only gone out to the beach a handful of times, twice just to see the airshow and not actually, you know, beach. Being in Maui the last couple weeks has reminded me how much I love the ocean, and I think I'd be most happy living at a beach. Whether that's a Florida beach or California, or Hawaii or Australia or some other wild destination, I don't think it matters. As long as I can beach. And in the meantime, I will enjoy both my pool and hot tub, and should probably make the most of my proximity to the LA area beaches. Afterall, I used to drive 6 hours from Arizona for the chance to see a beach like that, what's an hour or two on the weekend compared to that?

 

Finding Me

I feel like 2023 was a lot about finding myself again after the decade-long relationship. I tend to like what my significant other likes, so long as I tolerated it before, and so being intertwined for so many years has made me wonder what parts of our lives were me and what parts were him.

Returning to swing dancing was a really big thing for me in 2023, and I'm so glad for it. It's still not convenient in any way, but every time I go, even if I wasn't feeling it, I end up deciding it was worth it. The irony is that my ex- and I had met swing dancing, so you'd think that wouldn't be something he'd have taken me away from. But in our breakup I learned he was still, STILL holding onto this wild idea that I had cheated and would continue to cheat with another swing dancer I had been seeing before him, even though I had never once cheated on him and stopped talking to the guy once I found out how much it upset my ex- that we were still friends. Insane, right?

I doubled-down on my love for Lego, I guess that's staying. That was one in which my ex- and I sort of enabled and magnified in each other's habits, so I wasn't sure if it was mine solely after the breakup, but I also recall that I did love Lego before I met him, and I have continued to enjoy building when I make time to do so, so I'm claiming it.

Walking outdoors has been another thing I continue to return to. I was never stopped from doing that per se in my relationship, but it got more challenging when I was torn between that and spending time with him, or just so exhausted that the simple distraction of the TV shows was enough to deflate any motivation I had in me.

Resolutions for 2024

This has been a long, winding and perhaps somewhat disconnected path to get to where I want to go in 2024. Having learned some devastating news related to work a couple weeks ago, I already know that my job, work life and potentially living location may be in flux next year, and I'm living with a lot of uncertainty going into the new year.  I often take inspiration from Pantone's Color of the Year and their description of their selection, but this year I found it too soft and uninspiring for the way I plan to take on the year I turn 40. I am not ready to let life just pass me by, I want to maintain and double down on the themes I started in 2023: living with intention, getting into space and nature, reconnecting deeply and creating ease in my life. But I also don't want to "just" do those things again. I was reminded whole on my vacation in Maui that family time is fun but not to lose myself or forget to carve out time for me to relax, and that was much needed then and will likely be needed over and over again on 2024.

I feel like all signs point me to water, and I need to find myself, no, make myself, live with water as a prominent part of my life, whatever that means. And now that I've rediscovered what I love, I want to do more of that. I want to write more, and I want to lose the weight. I am frustrated that the Milky Way has alluded me when I seek it out, and it makes me want to see it even more. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish all the things I want to do, but I know I want to make things happen in 2024. I want to be the person who I envision for myself. I want to make me who I imagine I could be.

I feel like I'm still rebuilding my life and making me. When you make something, you usually don't just wing it, you have a plan. So I think what I can do, right here, in 2023, to make sure I feel good about 2024 in a year from now, is to make a plan. I've also found that planning a vacation or roadtrip, even if its short, has been therapeutic for me. So I think my general theme for 2024 is to plan time for me. And the specifics are:

Have a Plan for Every New Moon
Make Plans to Write Each Month
Plan for Swing Dance
Get to the Water
Fix What's Broken
Spend Less
Eat Well
Move

Happy New Year, everyone, and I hope you find inspiration in these posts and have a fantastic 2024! 

A Year in Review: 2023

I set out at the beginning of this year to focus on four themes, which I'll summarize as:
(1) Live intentionally
(2) Re/connect deeply
(3) Get outdoors & "into" space
(4) Create ease

These four items have been starring at me from my little letterboard on my mantle, in plain view when I'm sitting in my favorite recliner sofa seat and where any guests can easily see it. I think I've done a pretty damn good job of all of them, although of course I could always do more.

Live intentionally

I started this year with a bad boss and was able to secure a position with a fantastic manager. That was a big deal for me; although it was a very tough decision in the moment, as time went on it proved to be one of the best decisions I could have made. Some ideas I had originated when I set my 2023 themes were also directly accomplished. I bought land, specifically 2.5 acre in the Mojave desert - I just absolutely fell in love with the location, situated just up to a mountain and looking down on the valley but isolated enough I could camp there and not see a single soul. Book and plan a vacation also was done in spades, I'd say. I just came back from a terrific holiday in Maui with my whole family, which I had largely coordinated. I had also had a great time in Las Vegas with A.J. while we were seeing each other, and then with Deric shortly after we became a couple. A fantastic trip to Colorado in August ties to the next theme, reconnecting with a childhood friend, Laura. I spent over a week in North Carolina with my sister, continuing our tradition of being the first to visit when one of us moves. I completed my downstairs bathroom wallpapering and installed a new light, and completed my master WC wallpapering. Some of the other ideas, though, weren't accomplished or adhered to, such as increasing my health routine discipline, having a mindfulness weekend retreat and a blog-a-thon. I'd still like to do those things regularly, and they would probably be good for my stress and health as I face new uncertainties next year.

Re/connect deeply

I've never been very good at maintaining relationships, but I did make an effort this year. The most triumphant being spending a week or so with my childhood friend, Laura, in her home in Colorado Springs. We had been friends in first and second grade, she lived only a few houses away from me, but after I moved away and even when I moved back, we had never really been close. We even went to the same high school and our circles of friends loosely intersected, but her and I were mostly acquaintances I'd say. Through one positive example in a world of negatives, I would credit social media for helping us to reconnect, as we followed each others' adventures and talked about getting back together some time, and this was the year I finally made good on that notion. I think we were both a little nervous about suddenly spending so much time together after years of barely knowing each other, but we had a brilliantly hilarious time and vowed not to wait so long to do it again. I also tried reconnecting with long-time friend and short-lived romantic partner, Rick, and we did have dinner one night while I was in Arizona for a charity walk I've tried to do with Allison most years, but that relationship still feels strained. It was great, of course, to see Allison, and she's another one I’d like to be a better friend to. Also on that visit, I went to swing dance with my favorite instructors, and they made me feel like a celebrity returning home. One of my previously favorite dance partners there, Miguel, encouraged me to go to Camp Hollywood and I knew I should, since dancing was also a thing I was investing more of my time into. I am so glad he encouraged me to do - it was amazing and I'm already booked for next year.

I also did a lot of dating this year, trying to find my next Mr. Right and it's been tougher than I imagined. I've had a lot of great memories and far too many
heartbreaking let downs. When I started this blog long ago, it was a dating blog, and I thought it would be fun to return it to one being single, but when I reflect on it, dating was fun back then and it has a more serious tone to it now. I'm not dating to make fun of it, I want to find my someone and that doesn't feel like something I want to poke fun at. Well, after months of ups and downs on the dating front, I am now with Deric, who may not be perfect, but he's at least my Mr. Right Now.

Get outdoors and "into" space

I never imagined how much of nature and space I would do this year. Shortly after the year started, by mere happenstance as far as I can tell, I saw a post - was it an

ad? - inviting volunteers to support the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve. I knew about the reserve - my sister and I had visited it out of season but I had missed the blooms the prior year. I mentioned it to one of my employees who happened to be traveling for work with me when I saw the post, and she got so excited about it I cemented the idea in my head that this would be a great thing to do. And it was! I loved my trailwatch shifts - four hours, and I usually hiked about 5 miles, stopping to educate guests or take pictures for them. It was a great way to get my butt out of the house and into nature, and I intend to do it as long as I live here. I even got to bring several friends and employees out with me!

I did also do the space-y things I wanted to do - I visited the Griffith Observatory as a sort-of date with Kevin during one of their events, Above, and started watching their monthly show All Space Considered. I also managed to finagle a private tour of the Lockheed Martin Space site in Littleton, Colorado during my personal trip there.

I also set out on several stargazing quests. In late January and early February, I was watching weather and visibility to find a time when I could perhaps see the green comet. Conditions were poor over and over again, until finally, towards the end of its time in our sky, I camped out on my land in Mojave and was able to capture a view of it through my binoculars. Later in the year, Nadine and I camped out at Amboy Crater and watched the Perseids and Orionids meteor showers, catching dozens of shooting stars and one fantastic fireball. I was not so fortunate in my last attempt - I had booked a private stargazing and astrophotography tour in Maui but when we climbed to the summit at 10,000 feet, the stars were barely out and were quickly covered up - no such luck at capturing the Milky Way as is usual up there. Nevertheless, I learned quite a bit about the relationship between the Hawaiians and the stars, how they navigated by the stars and drew the first celestial maps, and all stars have a Hawaiian name as homage to their contributions.

Create ease

I probably did the least of this - certainly not all the things I aspired to do. But I have utilized AI and automation in ways to make my life better, and that was the objective of the theme.

Life List Update

While many things went well this year, I was worried that this would be the first year since I started my Life List in which I wouldn't have completed at least one thing from my list. Many years I complete several items all in one big vacation, or I complete a few items from various little efforts. To be fair, many of the easier ones are completed and that leaves more difficult ones or items that are specific to a location to which I haven't yet traveled. But, after my nephew joined me in Maui, we decided to go hiking on Haleakala. So I made the trek in the convertible once again through the twists and turns, but this time in the daylight and with company, and when we stopped in the visitor center we learned that the local Ne ne birds are the most endangered species of goose. We spotted several of them both while hiking and while driving, and managed to take a few blurry pictures of them, which I'll consider as checking off Life List item #93: Photograph an endangered species. So not a minute too soon, December 21st was the day that ensured this was not the year in which I didn't complete something from my Life List.

Final reflections

There have been many years with drastic changes in jobs and where I lived, but this year seems like even more change even though I stayed put in Palmdale. Starting with ending a nearly 10 year relationship, reconnecting with old friends, a small job change, investing in my swing dancing like I hadn't in several years, and really just finding myself again has been tumultuous. I'm not sure that I've fully found myself yet, but perhaps that is an ongoing journey always. I've cried a lot, sometimes for silly reasons, sometimes because life is just stupid hard, and sometimes for no real
reason at all. But I've also had the best of people around me and great times, amazingly beautiful moments and laughter that made my cheeks hurt. And I guess that's what life is all about, isn't it? As the last year fully in my 30's, I can definitely say that I lived.

A Junior High Love Story

For my own silly personal reasons, I've been lugging around a bunch of old 3.5" floppy disks from move to move, anticipating that some day I'd get a disk drive to read them and download anything good off of them. Well, there were definitely some gems in there. Here's a story I wrote about one of my first boyfriends, from junior high school. 

May 11, 1996

It all started on May 10th, 1996.  I think this was the best night of my life, so far.  This is a tale of both happiness and sadness, romance and hate, regretting and forgetting.  All in a period of two hours.  I know, one day, I will be digging through my papers and see this.  I will laugh and remember and maybe even cry.  I will stop and reread this.  Here it goes.

I was getting ready to go to another chorus skating party.  This was going to be a drag, I thought.  Lauren is the main partier, and she couldn't make it.  No, maybe I shouldn't go.  I mean,  the most that will happen is that I'll see Kevin and Liz kiss or hug and I'll see them having fun being a couple.  I'll either ask Kevin or another boy to skate with me.  He'll say no.  I'll cry for ten minutes and end up skating with Jenny or Cindy.  We'll do the Hocky Pocky, YMCA, A Very Simple Dance, and all the while I'll be loud and obnoxious.  This was really going to be a bore and the only reason why I was going, is because he'll be there.  Ear Boy.  Brian.  You see, recently, we've been sitting closer together, hanging out more together, laughing together, the kind of stuff that hints we might like each other.  It wasn't only him, either.  It was me, too.  I liked him and I would die to go out with him.  I think tonight I'll make this goal: Not to ask any boy to skate with me.  Just go with the flow.  Hang out.  No lovie-dovie stuff.  Maybe my rubber chicken will have some fun with me.  I packed my rubber chicken, money and I went into the family room. 

"Okay, I'm ready to go, Christy."  I said to my sister.  She got back from college just yesterday. 

"Ask Linda if she'll take you."  I tramped upstairs.  I called to Linda.  She was sleeping.  She asked me to ask Christy to take me.  Maybe I'll never get a ride.  Maybe this isn't such a good idea.  I asked Christy and she got up, obviously annoyed. 

We got into the car when she asked, "Okay, do you know where this place is?"  I thought she knew.  I sighed and said, "I guess."

It was hectic trying to get there.  She told me I had ten minutes and if we couldn't find it, we'd go home.  But, we didn't miss a single turn.  Even though we were both aggravated, we got there.

I skated a little.  No one is coming, I realized.  Well, Brian wouldn't let me down, would he?  No.  He'll come.  Still, he is my best male friend and I wasn't going to blow it by asking him to skate.  When he arrived I was relieved.  We'll have a good time, I assured myself. 

I good time, indeed, as I soon found out.  We raced a little and he came up to me and said, "Laura, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure" I said.  I was sure it would be something not important, like what I was having for dinner or what a rubber chicken is.

"Will you skate with me for the couples' skate?"  I was stunned but not surprised at the question.  I had been waiting for something like this.  Why hadn't I seen it coming?  Why else would he have asked me if I was going to the skating party?  He wanted to prepare himself. 

Yet, I quickly responded with an excited "Yes."  I think, I can't remember but I think, he then said cool.  I was still shocked by it and my response.  Apparently the song was really good because people were cheering now.  I was cheering loudest.  Not for the song, for the current exciting point in my life.  I screamed, "Yea! That was awesome!"

I told Kevin about it.  I tried not to confront Brian about it.  Obviously, Kevin didn't realize.  He made it obvious that he knew and was stunned.  He pointed back and forth from Brian to me.  Then he grinned his funky grin.  What a weirdo!

Apparently, someone else wanted to skate with Brian.  I knew Brian would say sorry and skate with me.  No, he would not miss this.  I tried to track her to tell her that he was reserved.  I told Liz and she hunted her down for me.  I am pretty sure Brian and I were doing the same thing all night.  I think we both wanted to eat after we had skated.  To sit down together after being worn out.  He didn't eat yet, I didn't eat yet.  I asked the DJ when a couples dance was coming on.   He said the next one would be.  I told Liz so she and Kevin could come out, then I looked for Brian.  He skated with the other girl.  Why?  Why?  At a time like this?  WHY?  I started to cry.  I automatically hid in the bathroom.  It's not a permanent hiding place because eventually, someone would come in and pity me.  Everyone will hug me, but I'd go on crying.  I tried to wash my face, only to start crying again.  Just as I'd expected.  Katie came in and saw me crying.  Everyone, and I do mean everyone, gathered around me at one point, except HER.  She was having to much fun with Brian. 

I soon heard that Brian was waiting for me.  I'm going to blow it, I thought miserably.  He can't see me like this.  I must have a really big rash on my face.  Yet the girls consistently pulled on me to go until I yelled NO! and started crying again.  They realized they weren't going to get me out.  So they brought him IN.  They forced him in and I covered my face. No, he can't see me like this!  I looked up to see him looking right back at me.  I got up reluctantly and he gently took my hand.  We went out and skated.  I felt sad because everyone saw me like this, yet, I felt happy.  Everyone knew about me crying and what had happened.  Surprisingly, no one starred at me.  They were happy to see me finally hold his hand.  Why do my friends have to be so helpful?  It was perfect.  We’d skate, we’d eat, we’d most likely go out.

It was perfect.  We ate together.  We skated together.  We raced together.  It was funny.  It was so funny.  Like a fairy tale that had ended.  Happily ever after.  Until the word spread that SHE was crying because he wouldn’t skate with her, AGAIN.  This made him feel really uncomfortable.  Happily never after?   I’ll kill her, I thought.

We decided to skate one more song and then I’d hand him over to HER.  Later after the party, she said thanks.  I was still mad, though.  But I think it made Brian and I more comfortable.  Then the story of Kevin, dear Kevin came to me.  What a way to end the night.  Yet, though he had major problems of his own, he only made it more perfect more Brian and I.  He asked me if I’d go out with him.  I said yes.  He asked me why I didn’t ask him out.  I looked at him sternly and said, “Kevin, of all people you should know that I have had terrible luck with boys.  He told me he would tell Brian to ask me out because I would say yes.