In Pursuit of Happiness

Is happiness a goal? A state which is necessarily temporary? A way of living?

I can't remember a time I wasn't yearning for something that would make me happy. That's not to say I've lived an unhappy life. Rather, I think I've been generally grateful and upbeat and joyful about life. But it's always felt like it was part of a journey to an ultimate goal, rather than an enduring contentedness.

Growing up, I had an obsession with boys and being in a relationship. While in college, it was, just get the degree and get a job and a house and a dog and be an adult. While early in my career, and perhaps the strangest way my yearning showed through, I would hear a voice talking about me in the future, that, "She makes over $100,000 a year." That was the goal, to make 6 figures. Even despite having read that once people reach about $70k in annual income, their happiness decreases the more they make beyond that.

I definitely lived beyond my means a bit early in my adulthood, in order to continue re-upping on that desire to be happy. There was a point I hit where I knew something had to give. I owned a house, I had the dog, I had a steady boyfriend, a good job, was making $85k a year. I remember being so stressed about money because I knew I was living beyond my means but it was like I couldn't stop. We'd go on these elaborate vacations and I justified it by saying that you never regret investing in travel and experiences. But at one point, the shit hit the fan when my
credit cards were maxed out and I couldn't pay for the hotel mid-trip. Did we go to a cheaper hotel? No, we enjoyed our luxe room with a view, and I just borrowed from him until I could move money around sufficiently. I got smarter after that, but also, my career took off and I didn't have to be too accountable for long term financial responsibility because I started making so much more.

Having lived in several states and cities over the past decade, and being again in a position where I can decide my own fate, I can confidently say that I'm happy with my current location. My house is big, maybe a little too big, but I'd much rather than that the opposite - living in that cramped condo in San Diego helped me realize that. I just had my niece and her seven friends come stay, and there was room enough for all without being too cramped - hell we could have accommodated at least two or three more people. I am so grateful I have a pool and a hot tub of my own - that makes a world of difference compared to an apartment pool with its uncertain cleaning schedule and having to contend with neighbor kids for serious pool time. Making this home be my haven has brought me lots of joy. I am financially stable, for sure, with over $200k in annual income, a small passive income, and a very comfortable savings buffer. But now I'm missing one very seemingly important part of my happiness formula - a romantic partner. After nearly 10 years together, Jaiman and I called it quits in January, and my attempts at finding love via the Hinge app and other organic means have been all but fruitful. I've helped to fill the gap (or distract myself from it) by doubling down on my other relationships - friendships with colleagues or former coworkers, my family, reconnecting with old friends - and putting myself in situations to forge new relationships with common interests, namely going out swing dancing and taking lindy hop lessons.

I realized about a month ago that I was also trying to fill the void with retail therapy (usually online retail - which means I wasn't even getting the benefit of the walking). Over spending and living beyond my means became a concern for me, even at this elevated income (partially because of the big mortgage payment and the new car payment). So, I went cold turkey in June and am continuing in July, refraining from buying extraneous "things" that I don't need. Truly, I have a giant house full of stuff, I'm not needing much of anything in the way of more stuff.

Long before Jaiman and I called it quits, though, I was investing a lot of my reading time on the pursuit of happiness, or the formula for happiness. And was left, well, wanting, and still pursuing. Most of the literature I devoured told of gratitude being the key to success, or being present and practicing mindfulness, or giving to or helping others, as the secrets of life and happiness. Those ideas have never scratched the itch for me. I've always had this nagging feeling that happiness can be achieved by a set of things plus relationships. And that belief has driven me both to have fulfilling relationships and to purchase things that will make my life easier and happier. Like the big house with the double kitchen island to allow me to cook more (ha!) and the private pool and 3-car garage. And truly, I know now that my outdoor pool isn't optimal - it needs to be heated with excessive energy to be of use many months of the year, and is always getting bugs and leaves in it. Wouldn't an indoor pool be even better? Then I'd truly be happy. This pursuit seems to keep going, but I still somehow believe that the optimal life is somehow around the corner. Once I get these 35 things, then I can really enjoy life and be happy.

And while I can't say I have all the things I've ever wanted, I have a lot, and I am grateful, and I am happy most of the time. But now without that romantic partner in my life, I feel a major loss. It makes me resent Jaiman to an extent - why did he have to be so awful in the end? Why couldn't he have shaped up to be the man I wanted him to be? Or even that he claimed he wanted to be? Why did I spend (waste?) 10 years of my life with someone who wasn't going to work out in the end? I am appreciative of the fun times we had and memories we made, I wouldn't have done most of those things without a romantic partner. And yet, now that he's gone, I'm a little mad about it. I thought it would be easier to fill that hole in my life, or that I'd find joy in being by myself and doing my own thing and that I'd be okay. I knew it wouldn't be wholly easy, but I just thought it would be easier.

The dozen or so half-started relationships that have flopped since the breakup have made me start to wonder if it's me. And specifically, I wonder how much my weight plays into it. I can take some great selfies that I feel good about, but sometimes I see a picture of me and it's not flattering and I realize just how awfully big I am and that makes me very unhappy. Is that what is keeping me from finding a great guy? It probably doesn't help, of that I am sure. Swing dancing, too, I can feel people not wanting to dance with me because of my size and appearance. I also sweat like crazy which may not necessarily have to do with my weight, but again, doesn't help.

So losing weight, like almost every other fucking time of my life, seems like it should be a priority. If I can't be happy without a man, and if I can't land a man without losing weight, than obviously losing weight will help me get a man and ultimately make me happy, right? But of course, easier said than done. I've struggled with my weight for all of eternity it seems. And yes, it probably played a big part in my happiness equation even before the breakup - being able to find clothes that feel good and sitting comfortably in airplane seats are aspirations that have been bringing me down in recent years.

But beyond my physical appearance, I wonder if my approach to life and relationships is wrong or if I'm just in a weird dating population (age and geographic location) or what. Like I said, I thought it'd be easier, so why haven't I landed at least a short-term relationship yet? I keep trying to tell myself that the universe is just clearing things out of the way for me to meet the right person. But my impatience grows and it is especially painful that I have one thing I really want to do with a romantic partner - go to Vegas - and planned it with two different partners who both fell through. If I can't count on a romantic partner any time soon, do I need to change my desire? Will that scratch the itch?

So the latest book I've been reading (listening to) is called "The Gap and the Gain" and it is a pretty simple concept in theory - focus on the progress and the good things instead of focusing on what you don't have (the gap). It's a new take on the same old mindfulness and gratitude concept, I suppose. But the reframing has at least piqued my interest and attention. However, I've struggled to work through it because the gap I most focus on now is the lack of a romantic partner and there's no progress to be had against that. Sure, I can focus on my big glorious house and the friendships I have and blah blah blah. But none of that is "gain" against my goal of having a happy romantic relationship.

I do like the section that says you can define your own success criteria. These were the examples given (and gawd are they so much what I aspire to…)
 

I know I'm being successful when:

1. I can wake up every day and ask, "What would I like to do today?"
2. My passive revenue exceeds my lifestyle needs.
3. I can live anywhere in the world I choose.
4. I'm working on projects that excite me and allow me to do my best work.
5. I can disappear for several months with no effect on my income.
6. There are no whiny people in my life.
7. I wear my watch for curiosity only.
8. I have no time obligations or deadlines.
9. I wear whatever I want all the time.
10. I can quit any time.

The other major thing I've struggled with, although its subtle, is that I'm not sure what I like anymore, versus what "we" liked as a couple. In other words, untangling myself from Jaiman, what do I like that wasn't me adapting to his likes? Like I said, it's a subtle thing, it may even seem moot, like dummy, just go do what makes you happy and if something isn't making you happy anymore than stop doing it. But in some cases, I actually don't even know if it makes me happy. That's weird, right? So I don't even know where to start. I don't know what I would like to do today. I don't know where to disappear to or within. I don't know what to wear. I'm not really curious enough to do anything thoroughly. Is that depression? I hope not… I don't think so.

The most glaring examples are roller coasters, Lego and Disney. Those are three areas that Jaiman was obsessed with, and I know I had a liking of them before. But are they my passions? Did Jaiman bring that passion out of me? Or did I pursue them because "we" liked them? If there was something I didn't like before Jaiman and liked while we were together, that would seem pretty clear cut. But Disney and roller coasters were likes before, just not obsessions or passions - or were they?

Disney - I loved the classic Disney animations like Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin - I had lots of toys with them and even wrote to Mattel once suggesting they make Polly Pockets with Disney themes once (they claimed they couldn't give me credit but later did something very similar). But I also hadn't been to Disneyland since I was a kid until Jaiman took me. So am I a real Disney fan? Or did I get aboard the train?

Lego - Jaiman claims I enabled him, so this may be on me. I've continued building Lego and even hosting a build party, so I guess Lego is a passion of mine. I started playing with Lego as an adult while dating Rick, and went to Legoland at least once before meeting Jaiman.

Roller coasters - I remember being obsessed with the Loch Ness Monster ride at Busch Gardens when I was a kid. What a disappointment it was when Jaiman and I went on our big roller coaster road trip and road it again - it was dilapidated and rough and not nearly as thrilling as other rides I've come to enjoy. My weight has largely deterred me recently from going to Six Flags and the like, but if my size wasn't an issue, would I spend a day at a theme park riding coasters again? I think so, but I do feel like it was such a part of Jaiman's personality that it will always be twinged with remorse.

I've long been fascinated and intrigued by the different ways people live, especially those at the extremes of wealth, modernism and technological advances (and the lack thereof in all cases). I think this goes hand-in-hand with my pursuit of happiness - what is the formula other people have found? What of those can I apply to make my little utopia? This is why I am equally intrigued by the fictional characters in the Hunger Games living in the Capital and in the Districts. I simultaneously desire a life of The Great Gatsby and the life of the artisans at Arcosanti, and just as much want to live in a world where Jurassic World is a real (but much safer) possibility. I invest efforts in learning about technological advances to understand how they will improve our lives in the future, such as 3D printing, wearable technologies, autonomous vehicles and smart home devices. How people lived in the Blue Zones is instructive for people wanting to understand how to live long lives, but I question how fulfilling those lives are versus, say, those in the happiest countries. The true story of Biosphere 2 is one of both hard work and an isolated version of an ideal utopia, at least until peoples' personalities got involved. In the introductory scenes of the Sonic the Hedgehog Movie, Sonic shows how he's carved out a life in his little cave in a small rural town and pretending to make friends with the people there, but that his life was merely existence until he actually befriended one of the townspeople.

And so, a lot of times I like to think about what my perfect life / utopia / home would look like. I think now it would look something like:
 

1. Money and my physicality does not prevent me from doing whatever I want to do.
2. I have a life partner who shares my interests and enjoys adventures with me. 
3. I have minimal chores that are made easier by technology and my home setup.
4. I have rich relationships with friends and family.