May Be The End

 You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe this is the end. Because even when I was trying to help you see how you're hurting me, you somehow managed to BLAME ME for it. So, maybe it's hopeless. Am I thrilled with everything I've ever done? No, of course not. But I've also put up with a lot of shit. The eye-rolling when I remind you to do something that will help you with YOUR goal. Letting to live with me for zero rent for months or years, in exchange for a limited amount of housework and cooking. When I was single before we met, I had given up on love. I had thought that I had achieved so much success and all I wanted was someone to share it with. I think the issue is that my sharing had no bounds, and you took full advantage of that. Did I let you? Sure I did. I excuse it as exhaustion from work, I don't have any energy to fight you. But I'm not sure I'm right about that. You've been passive aggressive in so many ways, I wonder if this was another mental trick you're playing on me. You may not even realize it. Somehow, I have let you walk all over me while I'm too exhausted or confused or befuddled to fight it.

Andrew's relationship with Tiffany is very instructive. It's not the same, but it has similarities. He has been dealing with a ton of crap at work, and having broken up with his last girlfriend, Tiffany managed to snake her way into the position. Andrew allowed it, of course, but even as Tiffany dreamed she could demand Andrew stay here in California, and Andrew insisted he would not, she still somehow became a "love" for him.

Way back in the day, I had pretty shallow criteria for a boyfriend. I wanted him to be tall, like swing dancing, musicals and football, and you fit the bill. Before that, I thought I wanted someone more ambitious, to challenge me, be my other half in a power couple. I know and am grateful that I've been able to move around the country for my job due in large part to the fact that you didn't have a really important job - most of the time you were generally pretty stoked about quitting, even if you weren't sure what you wanted to do. And you helped with the moves, which was super helpful for me.

I guess I'm at a loss now, because none of that other stuff seems super important, whether you like the same things that I do or whatever. I mean, we rarely swing dance anymore, and even that feels like a "chore" I am making you do. We haven't gone to a football game in forever, partially due to COVID but even before then we weren't doing a lot of it, and I actually found weekends plopped in front of the couch watching football to be far too much, too boring, too unproductive, too lazy and the season seemed to last too long. We have gone to see musicals, and I do value that, and your knowledge of the performers.

What seems to be important now is you being a partner and I don't think you've been like that in a long time. I really honestly struggle to remember our first year or two, because it felt like a permanent state of honeymoon fever, we were inseparable and I don't think we fought much. We managed to go on this massively long road trip together without killing each other.

I still want someone to travel with and have fun with on the weekends. Maybe I like being in a relationship because it guarantees a friend and travel buddy, and maybe that's not the right reason to be in a relationship. But honestly, even that has been bothering me - when we're travelling it seems so hard to get you out of bed some mornings - unless it's a theme park and then you are up at the crack of dawn to rope drop. When we were with my family most recently in North Carolina, and the trip pivoted because of Matthew's injury, you seemed to want to make it all about you somehow. It was very selfish. We overrode you, to be sure, but I just couldn't even believe you would suggest things that put your interests ahead of what the group wanted or needed to do.

So I'm sitting trying to think if I'm going to regret breaking up with you. Will my life be that much worse off that I'll want you to come back? I'll probably read more, with the TV not always being on. I would hopefully exercise more, not needing to tiptoe around your sleep schedule and again not being deterred by the TV being on. But I would be lonely. I won't have someone guaranteed to go out to dinner with. I'll have to make plans with friends and colleagues. I won't have someone to give me back massages and foot massages - I'll have to go back to Massage Envy or another place for that. I won't have dinner ready-made for me when I walk in the door, I'll have to plan and cook my own meals - it will probably be a lot more microwaveable stuff. I won't have someone doing the dishes, so I'll have to do that on my own, which sucks because I know that will hurt my back. I won't have someone taking care of spiders and bugs, so I'll have to be brave and toughen up a little. I'll need to hire a gardener and a pool guy, because I know I won't keep that stuff maintained on my own. I'll have an extra empty room, maybe I'll get a roommate? But that would be weird - most people I work with are lower levels and moving in with a "boss" might be strange. I'll probably listen to Christmas music sooner and much more often.

But it will be lonely. I won't have someone to vent to when I get home. I won't have someone to plan weekends with, or projects, or tell about my next crazy idea.

You help me decompress by choosing entertainment things so I don't have to navigate or think through that. That helps. But I also have a big mental burden in carrying all the mental lists of chores, plans, schedules, helping you to achieve your professed goals.

It's kind of ironic timing to break up now. I had visited San Fran a couple times before meeting you, and that was one of those things we always talked about doing, so that you would have a better experience. We just finally went. To me, some of it was repeating the experience with the new person in my life, although we did do some things that were new to me.