A Startup Community

My biggest goal in 2012 was to start a company.  I wasn't very particular in what kind of company, and I kept myself grounded in the reality that most startups fail, and I probably wasn't going to be able to quit my job and be a millionaire with the first one out.  I had several brilliant ideas (doesn't everyone?) and they varied in scale, scope and potential.  

I got wind of this new thing called hackathons and within a month or so I signed up for a Startup Weekend event in Orange County, California.  You can read all about my Startup Weekend adventure here: http://startupweekend.org/2012/06/13/my-startup-weekend-experience-laura-winger/. That journal was very lengthy, so I'll suffice it to say that my pitch was lame, I joined another group, and we won, which was a terrific accomplishment.  The company was called GrowUnity, and we had a domain name with a splash page, a rockin' logo, a Twitter handle, followers on facebook, you name it.

The unfortunate thing, and this seems to be a common theme with Startup Weekend winners, is that after the weekend was over, our team dispersed. That's not to say that there wasn't an effort, because there were meetings scheduled and emails exchanged.  I even went to far as to order my logo'd shirt from CafePress, signed up for an Earth Day event and handed out grapefruit from bf's backyard in exchange for email sign ups.  It was a raving success, and I was talking it up like it was going to launch soon.  I went to a few networking mixers set up by ASU Venture Catalyst with the intention of finding programmers / developers, and I did actually find a few willing to work for free up front.  I told our team's leader, but we never connected the dots.  Finally, he emailed me one day and told me that it was time he went to get a real job, and I guess the venture was over.  The website still exists with out splash page, a picture of me and the group, and a little story about how we started.  I assume the domain will expire soon and it will cease to exist completely.  

I was okay with seeing GrowUnity wither, because it wasn't really my passion or area of expertise.  Hell, I don't even eat fruit or vegetables most of the time, and I certainly can't keep even the most simple plants alive.  I think I was happier about beating the cocky guy who got second place than I was about winning, because he rubbed me wrong during the pitches and I wanted someone to take him down a notch.  I learned a lot from Startup Weekend, but probably more than anything was the formula for winning a Startup Weekend: customer validation.  While other teams presented fancy prototypes and fully functional apps, we had video testimonials, pre-signups and followers.  That lesson would repeat itself over and over again; the idea is worth zero, the people are important, but the customers are critical.  Do people want this?  

In lieu of being a part of the most collaborative team I've ever experienced or heard of, having seen it wither, I was ready to try my own gig.    I was going to start a local brewery tour, just like those which the bf and I had gone on in San Diego and San Fran.  It seemed simple, I could rig it so it had no upfront costs, therefore no seed money or funding required, and I could can it if it failed, no harm no foul.  I worked with a few friends who were interested, but none of them seemed to have the drive to actually execute and get things done.  Eventually, I allowed a couple of them to convince me that I may have to do it all myself, and I could delegate small tasks to them as employees, not partners.  

I then made one of the most common entrepreneur mistakes: I built my "product".  In this case, making the deals with brewers, catering service and transportation services.  I guess, like most early entrepreneurs, I assumed that I needed to have something before I could sell to customers, and of course they'd love it because it's a great idea.  

Well, by the time I had my offering together, the transportation providers were all closing up for the summer; it's too hot in Arizona to run those kinds of vehicles.  I was disappointed, but took it as an opportunity to work towards an opening date in the fall, so I'd be really prepared.  Wrong again.  The date of the first tour came and went.  Not a single ticket was sold.  I had passed out fliers and talked it up in bars, but my efforts were completely fruitless, unless you count getting a "like" or two on facebook as a win.  That was my first reality check.  

Venture Catalyst hosted a 10-week course called Rapid Startup School.  That was the first time I'd heard that it wasn't uncommon for Startup Weekend ventures to fail, and the idea was that this and the Lean Launchpad were what was missing from the puzzle.  I'm not quite sure how I got tangled up, but somehow I was signed up for the Rapid Startup School geared towards military applications and veterans, neither of which applied to me.  But they never kicked me out, and I figured the basics of starting a company would be the same regardless of the specific product or business type.  I was right, to an extent, I learned a lot more about startups; I also learned about how much opportunity there was for veteran-owned companies.  I encourage one of the bf's friends to join me, because he was a Marine with entrepreneurial pipedreams, but after one session he concluded it was too far to drive.  

The first night of Venture Catalyst is probably the most memorable.  One of the serial entrepreneur panelists stood in the front of the room and demanded "Let's start that business tonight!"  Over and over again, his mantra was repeated; let's start that business tonight.  The idea was that you don't need a website or business cards or even a working prototype, there are actions you can take right now to connect a customer with the product or service, and get it done.  One of my classmates did take this to heart, and came back the following week with a success story: his first customer!  Sure he was doing everything manually instead of through the fancy website he had envisioned, but you could see the potential for his manual efforts to provide revenue that could be used for development.  It was a great inspiration.  

There were a few other morsels that impacted me greatly from the Rapid Startup School, including financial and legal liability which I don't know much about and scared me into checking myself.  Specifically, even if you have an LLC, if you mix your finances with those of your LLCs, you are no longer protected personally, and a lawsuit could come after you.  There were also a lot of things I had very little interest in; different technologies ASU was pumping out that could be used to create a business around - interesting stuff but I wasn't looking for ideas, I had too many as it is!  

The last night was also very memorable because Jay from Local Motors came to speak.  I knew about Local Motors and had previously visited; they are a very cool company and if you haven't heard of them, definitely check them out.  Essentially, they are pioneering the idea of open-sourcing a vehicle design.  Their first vehicle is called the Rally Fighter, and it's bad ass.  When I had visited a few months prior, I had connected with and was given a tour by an individual who was already planning to leave the company.  His attitude towards LM was a little negative, making it sound like Jay was a little crazy and unrealistic.  I could see his point - the idea was in that gray area in which lies the line between crazy and genius, and I think it's always a little hard to tell on which side of the line you fall until the fog clears and you've either failed miserably or become the next big thing.  LM wasn't the next big thing, yet, but it did have cars rolling off the production line and revenue for them, so there was some legitimacy to the madness.  While visiting, I had seen a book about collaboration on the desk, and I went home and bought that book and read it.  I was a little disappointed in it, because it was supposed to be all about how collaboration is the next business model, but LM was the only real example of any sort of success in this regard.  Anyways, hearing Jay speak at Venture Catalyst was a very different experience.  His passion was obvious, but more so, his vision was clarified for me well beyond my previous understanding.  I had some challenging ideas of my own, and I debated whether or not I should put Jay on the spot with those types of challenges, and in the end, I did and he handled them with great style and flair.  I concluded that he is one of the smartest, bravest and most interesting people on the planet, and one I want to know better.  

So in 2012, with the goal to start a company, I had: (1) gone to a Startup Weekend, won, and then failed to make a business, (2) started the seeds of a network through ASU Venture Catalyst Techiepalooza events, (3) got an LLC, website and service offering together, and then failed to get customers for the brewery tour, and (4) diligently attended a Rapid Startup School which inspired me.  I don't really call my efforts a failure or a success, because I learned a lot, and I did finally see revenue on the brewery tour recently, although it was in 2013.  So in a small way, I did start a company that eventually had revenue, although not profit and not an ongoing business by any means.  

The breakup had a profound effect on me in many ways.  The ex- and I were going to try to stay friends and he wanted to continue helping with the brewery tour.  Indeed, when I did finally run my first private brewery tour, he was the tour guide, and we celebrated because we both did an excellent job in our roles.  But the breakup made me very lonely; sure I had friends and family, and I am forever grateful for those people who helped me get through the first couple weeks.  It was out of this desperation to fill the void that I finally turned to Meetup.  Mr. Suave had told me about it a number of times, and I just always assumed that I didn't really need it in my life.  Now, I needed it.  Within days, I was signed up for dozens of awesome groups and following their events on my phone through the app.  

It was through a startup group that I found Lean Startup Lab.  The host, Rick, is a serial entrepreneur and very clearly a seasoned and passionate person wanting to help other entrepreneurs.  It appears one of Rick's deepest desires is to create a community in the Phoenix area to foster startups.  The idea is that as small successes come through, everyone helps each other and we all grow and benefit.  I won't get into the details here of what transpired over the next few months, but it was worthwhile for me to go every Thursday night (and at times, other nights for smaller meetings) for quite some time.  I met some great people and connected with them through Twitter, LinkedIn and Rick's creation, Startup Orange.  

Last week may have been the beginning of the end of the Lean Startup Lab tale, at least for now.  It was originally started to be a three or four week lab at most, but we continued meeting as we got fresh meat week after week, and it continued to feel valuable.  Last week, though, only a few people showed up, compared to the 30 or 40 people that had previously filled the room.  Some of the groups had formed little ventures and were pursuing those outside of the lab, and I supposed I was probably the only person that had been there at day 1 that showed up last week, besides Rick obviously.  Maybe that makes me a sucker, I don't know.  

The resulting meeting was very different, as one might expect, than previous weeks, and we ended up talking about what I call a big hairy audacious goal. Much like an idea I've toyed with for years, the idea was centered around empowering inventors and creating businesses rather than a specific product or business idea.  My idea was focused on consumer products, like home decor accessories.  This idea came out of Emelia's venture engineering concept, so it was more focused on engineered products requiring CAD drawings and functional design and the like.  We met again last night, and vetted out the idea in a little more detail.  I'm pretty excited about it, because I truly believe something like this is inevitable and will exist in the near future, so to be a part of its creation would be a huge honor and achievement.  We haven't really nailed down "what" it is, its kind of like an incubator or an accelerator, its a little bit of venture engineering, its potentially a matter of coaching, and nothing exists exactly like this.  

 

Somehow, we hope, this will create a robust startup community that can have a huge impact on the local economy.  

Weekend with R

As the title implies, I spent the entire weekend with R.  I didn't mean to, necessarily, but it was so easy to do so, and I didn't care to do otherwise.  Or at least, I didn't have any plans with any other guys, so I didn't have to figure out a way to get rid of R.  It started on Friday night.  I went to dinner with Monkey, and after he left, I decided I wanted some attention.  I actually called The Flipflopper first, especially because he had texted me while I was at dinner with Monkey.  I figured he'd be delighted to see me, but he didn't pick up.  I didn't wait for him to call me back.  I texted R to see if he was still up, and he was, and I told him I was coming over. 

I spent the night with R, and we slept in, which is a precious rarity with me.  He had to work, so I took him, after stopping to get donuts for his co-workers.  I was a little peeved that, here I was shuttling him around, and he didn't even offer to buy my a donut.  When we got back to the car, he offered for me to have one of the donuts he had purchased.  Whatever.  

While he was at work, I went home and showered and then went to the Local Motors open house and car show.  I was surprised that they were charging money, they hadn't done that at previous open houses.  One of the first cars I saw was a Lotus, and I took a closer look.  I read the paper inside, and it happened to have written on it the name of one of my ex's closest friends.  Not that I've ever had a serious interest in him, but for the sake of my stories, I'll call him Goldfinger.  I looked around, and within seconds, I spotted Goldfinger and walked up to greet him.  We chatted a bit, and he told me to go check out the EV on the lot that had a little hamster spinning a wheel, as if that was powering the car.  I agreed that would be hilarious and went in search of it.  After waiting for a short eternity at the food truck, I ate my sandwich and went to chat with Goldfinger and his buddies for a bit.  

Then I headed over to Desert Eagle Brewing Company; I had been meaning to try their Blk Cherry Blonde that was just released.  As I drove over, I wondered if Goldfinger would ever hit on me.  My ex's previous girlfriend had married Goldfinger after she and my ex broke up, and Goldfinger quickly divorced her when he realized she was a gold digger.  I had met Goldfinger prior to my ex and I actually dating, and he had come on to me pretty strong then.  His persistence turned me off, and I thought he looked a bit like a troll.  Still, there was evidence that he was desperate for someone to love and I was right up his alley.  So it only seemed natural that, as I was back on the market, Goldfinger should try to pursue me again.  I wouldn't let it get too far, I decided, but I might let him take me out somewhere fancy once or twice, just to see what it was like; and I'd be totally honest about it with him, because that's my style.  

To my dismay, Desert Eagle had already run out of the Blk Cherry Blonde, but several of them informed me that they had some more brewing right now and it would be ready within a week.  So I ordered a Red Mountain Ale, followed by a Pomegranate Wheat.  I wasn't really sure what the gameplan was, at this point.  I was pretty much killing time until something demanded my attention.  Right on time, R demanded my attention, and I was toying with him a bit via text.  Meanwhile, my server asked me if I wanted to try the Blk Cherry Blonde.  I said I definitely would be back to try it, and she replied, "No, they found a keg of it.  It's getting hooked up right now."  I was astounded.  "You FOUND a keg?"  Was she just pulling my leg?  "Yeah, Chris found it."  "Well tell Chris he is my hero and I love him."  I got a sample of it, but was feeling the alcohol at this point, and I wanted to go get R so I dared not have a whole one.  In fact, I was still starring at half a glass of my Pomegranate Wheat, trying to figure out how I could finish it without being too drunk to drive.  I closed out my tab, and resolved to chug the last bit of my beer so that it wouldn't hit me until I got back to R's work.  There, I hopped out of the car and told him he should drive since I was tipsy.  

I had intended to go back to Desert Eagle that night, but we never made it.  We went grocery shopping and went to dinner and then to swing dance.  Swing dance, of course, was awesome as it had been before, being his date and all.  Mr. Suave showed up too, and made some comment about R being up to his old tricks again.  I didn't bother to tell Mr. Suave about my relationship with R; it was funnier to keep him guessing.  R kissed me a couple times throughout the night, and I kept wondering if Mr. Suave saw; not because I like him or anything, just because I wanted to see his reaction.  But I don't think he ever noticed.  

After swing dance, about 40 or 50 of us went to In 'n Out and "lindy bombed" the place, meaning someone started playing music and we all got up to swing dance, like a flash mob but not nearly as intense.  We were recorded by dozens of cell phone cameras, and most of the innocent bystanders seemed to enjoy it.  After a long night of dancing, R and I were both exhausted, and I thought it would be better if I took him home and parted ways with him, but that just didn't happen.  We crashed at my place, because I had a coworker coming over in the morning to do some glass etching with me.  

Irene showed up right at 9 and I showed her around my place, then let her know that R had spent the night and may come out if he ever woke up.  Then we got to work with our chemical etching on the snifter glasses for her friends' upcoming birthdays.  We needed some more stencils, so at 10 we were going to go to Michael's.  I went to the bedroom just before we left and let R know we'd be back; he was cuddling with my dog, who is normally very skidding about new people.  He said he'd come out when we returned from Michael's.  We found some really nice stencils, and got back much later than expected.  R had been trying to turn TVs on and was stumped by my big TV.  I helped him out, and then Irene and I got back to work.  I ordered Jimmy John's, and the three of us chatted and worked on our etching until about 2 pm.  It was interesting to see R and Irene in the same room; it was kind of an experiment for me to see how R was with other people around.  I liked him even better, and couldn't wait for Irene to leave so I could have him back to myself.  

After Irene left, we headed back to the brewery in hopes of having my Blk Cherry Blonde.  They had apparently had their biggest night since opening Saturday night, and thus, were out of that and my Pomegranate Wheat.  I mourned and then ordered the Roman Eagle Pale Ale.  It was pretty tasty, I guess as good as disappointment can taste.  R ordered one of the many IPAs.  There was a blue grass band playing, and the one couple dancing was doing mostly country steps but threw in some east coast swing from time to time, which made me want to dance.  

We grabbed some dinner at Greek Pita, and then headed back to the brewery because R was interested in seeing the local blues musician playing that night.  We got great seats right by the band, and ordered another round of beer.  Before long, we were out of our seats dancing swing or some semblance of it, as R saw fit to lead, and had a great time.  Then I was talking to the head brewer, and expressing my disappointment in once again missing the Blk Cherry Blonde, and he said he had found ANOTHER keg of it.  Seriously?  Well, hook me up then, I insisted, and he did.  I finally got to enjoy my tall glass of Blk Cherry Blonde, and it was delicious.  I talked to the people sitting by me; they were from Chicago and visiting for the spring training.  R was talking to the girl next to him, who only dated men over 40 apparently.  All of us danced at various times, but I think R and I were showing off, and I liked it.  

You'd think after all that, I'd be willing to get rid of R for the night.  He isn't as smart as he thinks he is, his sense of humorous is atrocious and drives me up the wall, he comes on to me too much, he smothers me, he adores me, but still - something about him feels right.  I let him spend another night at my place before starting the work week.  At lunch, I chatted with my coworker about the weekend and about R, and she kept telling me I was crazy for even considering him.  But you know, there's something to be said about the kind of company he provides, and its the kind of thing I lacked in my most recent relationship and its the kind of thing I want.  I am working really hard at not moving too fast with him, but it would be so easy for me to invite him to live with me and try to fast forward to my happy ever after.  

The Flipflopper called at 2:30 am. I didn't answer.  

Why I think excuses are lies

I used to think of excuses as lame cop-outs, but I've come to the conclusion recently that they are actually much worse than that.  Excuses are lies.  You may be giving a truthful statement in your excuse, but the implication of an excuse is "I want(ed) to but there is(/was) no possible way because..."  The reality is, where there is a will, there is a way.  Imagine if your life, and all the lives of those you cared about, relied on you doing that one thing, and if you succeeded in doing that one thing, you would be rewarded with millions of dollars.  Could you have found a way around the barrier under those circumstances?  If the answer is yes, then making an excuse is lying.  The truth, in that situation, is that you're not willing to; the perceived cost/benefit is not great enough for you to work around the barrier.  

Certainly, there are circumstances where the cost is obviously much higher than the benefit, and that could be easily discussed, like "I didn't come to work yesterday because I had a heart attack and I was in the hospital being treated."  Very few people would argue that coming to work was more important than being treated for a heart attack.  Most excuses are much less dramatic, like, "I have to do the laundry so I can't make it to dinner tonight," and those are the types of excuses I just can't stand.  If the person you are blowing off is important to you, then I'd say it is more respectful to tell the truth, and show some willingness to compromise.  So rather than making an excuse, a truthful statement would be something like, "The logistics of it would be complicated for these reasons, and I'd prefer to do this another time when I don't have so much going on.  Can we reschedule?  When is the next time you'd be available?"  

Perhaps an even more clever way of dealing with it would be to give the option and prioritization to the other person.  Present the facts not as excuses but as hurdles that would have to be overcome, and ask them to decide how important it is.  Something like, "It would be difficult logistically because of these reasons, but I don't want to blow you off if it's important to you that I do this.  Is it that important that we do this right now?  Or can it wait for another time?"  You may find that the rule of reciprocity plays in here, and the other person may sympathize with your difficulty and decide for themselves that in the grand scheme of things, it is actually not that important.  This is not a guaranteed out, though, so only use it if you really are willing to make it work.  If the person does say it is important, you may want to ask them why, and that might give you a better perspective on the whole situation; maybe the benefit was greater than you had initially perceived.  

Along those lines, can't is a dirty four letter word, in my opinion.  To me, the worst thing you could say is, "I can't because..."  Conflicts come up all the time, and it's very rarely the case that you actually can't do something, it's more often the case that you've made a decision on what is more important.  I think it's much better to say, "I have a prior commitment at that same time which is important to me to keep."  Obviously that specific statement is only honest when you really did have a prior commitment that you feel is more important.  If you're trying to get out of a prior commitment, then say something like, "An issue has come up that I feel is important to deal with before I..."  That's more honest, and it's less of an excuse.  I'm generalizing here, but I wouldn't recommend you keep it general with people you care about; give them the specifics of the prior commitment or the issue you have to deal with.  People are very sympathetic, and the more information you give them, the more in control of the situation they feel.  In a professional setting, I think it's okay to keep it general.  But if you keep it general with someone you care about, they may feel shut out completely.  If you explain the situation, they are more likely to agree with you that you need to deal with the other thing, and they could potentially even offer help.  

Bottom line: when you make an excuse, the implication is that you want to but are being prevented, and the reality is that there is almost always a way to make it work, but you're not actually willing to do that (because the perceived cost/benefit analysis says its not worthwhile).  Therefore, excuses are lies to cover up your unwillingness to make the effort.  You may be justified, but simply stating an excuse is lying to the other person, it's concealing information pertinent to the situation.  It is more honest to put it all out on the table and state your feelings about the situation than to make an excuse; excuses are downright dishonest.  

Theme Songs

I am curious if anybody else does this.  I really enjoy music, mostly Broadway musicals and pop / alternative rock type music.  For all the men in my life, I assign them some song that I happen to like at the time.  One of my ex-'s from a long time ago got a tattoo over his chest after we broke up, so his song had something about a mark on his chest in it.  A more recent ex- was assigned the Adele song, "Someone Like You" because he broke my heart and I didn't understand it.  The way its sung in my head, I'm the one singing, "Nevermind I'll find someone like you," then he'd sing "I wish nothing but the best for you," and so on back and forth.  It's different than how Adele wrote it, but it still worked.  What's really odd, I think, is that I can gage how "over" the guy is by my ability to sing along with the song without crying.  As long as it makes me cry, I'm not ready to move on, but once I can get through it without tearing up, I'm okay.  

My most recent ex- gets the song "We Are Young" because we used to drink a lot together and all I want from him is for him to take me back and for me to just fall into his arms again.  But it's not just ex's that get songs assigned to them.  In fact, while we were dating, he had a different song: "The Way I Am", and I always imagined me singing the first and third verses, and the second verse was him singing to me, because it's about curing headaches and keeping the other person warm, which was fitting while we were together.  And currently, Excuses gets the song "Overjoyed" because that's how I feel when I'm with him, when he actually makes it and doesn't make an excuse, that is.  Maybe it'll change if I ever decide I dislike him, but that song will still always be his.  Even though the gender roles are wrong, "Mermaid" is my song for The Flipflopper, because our relationship always feels like two ships colliding, always accidental.  

On a funnier note, Fidgets informed me that he is going to Mardi Gras, asked me to go out with him again, and then told me to stop texting him because he has other priorities and I'm interrupting him, and he hopes he understands.  I guess that means he's breaking up with me for the third time now?  I'm going to assign him the theme song, "Bye, Bye, Bye", unless someone can think of a better one.  Obviously, I don't care that much for him or he would have had a more meaningful song.  

So I'm throwing it out there for you, my readers.  Do you have specific songs that remind you of a love or past love of your life?  Do you have your own theme song?  Let me know, I want to hear about it (and maybe determine I'm not alone in this, or maybe I am).  

R

Mr. Suave is one of my favorite swing dance partners; he is so confident and cool as he dances, and he has taught me a lot and helped me get better.  That's probably the biggest redeeming thing about him, and what keeps me playing nice with him.  When I got ditched by my first date for Valentine's Day, Mr. Suave was quick to agree to take me out; I wanted to go see the new zombie love movie, "Warm Bodies" and he took me.  Despite being stood up at first, my Valentine's Day ended about as good as it could have, given the circumstances, and I was very happy Mr. Suave was there for me.  

The movie, unfortunately, was a bit of a disappointment.  I was really looking forward to a hilarious romantic comedy, but the humor was sporadic and kind of dead pan, and I wasn't laughing my ass off like I had hoped.  The main character, the zombie, couldn't remember his full name, but he was pretty sure it had started with an R, so he was thereby called R for the rest of the movie.  I like it, and I think R is a fitting name for my next character.

R, like Mr. Suave, is a swing dancer.  In fact, R may very well be the tallest swing dancer in the world, at 6'6".  I met R a few years back, too, and remember dancing with him quite a bit.  He also taught me a lot, especially that one weekend at the Biltmore during a Fourth of July swing dance conference.  

We had been in workshop after workshop together.  I should mention that I am strangely attracted to extremely tall, lanky guys, so R is just my speed, if not a little on the short side for my tastes.  I remember being attracted to him at the workshops, but he seemed to have just started a relationship with some other woman, and he never pursued me like I wanted him to.  

Very shortly after my most recent breakup, I had the strangest experience at Kat's Korner.  I was going to meet Mr. Suave there, although I knew he'd be a little late.  I went early, and intended to dance with the guys I've danced with for years.  I hadn't seen R in a long time, so I figured his controlling girlfriend was keeping him away, and didn't expect for him to show up that night of all nights.  There was another guy there, though, that I hadn't seen in a long time.  
Let's call him Mormony.  Mormony had been a wild dancer, and I was sure he'd been kicked out for being too crazy.  But there he was, wearing that goody expression of his.  Mormony had definitely liked me at one point, and was disappointed to find out I was not Mormon like he was.  That was a long time ago, but here he was, dancing again.  I dreaded him asking me to dance, but to my surprise, he made eye contact with me but showed no sign of recognition.  I danced with a few strangers at their requests, but none of the people I usually dance with.  I asked The Engineer to dance; I think he was the first person I met at Kat's over eight years ago, and he didn't seem to recognize me either.  I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone, something very strange was going on.

Then, imagine my surprise when R walked in with a new girl.  I was excited to see him, even if he did have a girl with him.  But when he should have asked me to dance, he didn't.  He passed by me 20 times I think, before I finally got fed up and went to ask him.  "[R], are we going to dance, or what?"  He looked at me a little dumbfounded, but agreed and took me on the dancefloor.  The dance was fine, but at the end, he asked what my name was, as if we were meeting for the first time.  I didn't know what to make of it. 

I was relieved when Mr. Suave walked through the door, and my night improved vastly by dancing a few songs with his strong lead.  By him showing me off, other people asked me to dance, and I ended up having a great night and dancing with every guy I wanted to.  Mr. Suave joked that one of the guys I danced with was Amish, because he was dressed in rather unusual attire for swing dancing.  I was still bothered by R not recognizing me, though.  

Fast forward a month.  I was back at Kat's Korner by myself, and R walked in alone.  Within minutes, he walked directly over to me and said in the sweetest tone, "Hey there, haven't seen you in a while.  Shall we?"  It was so surreal, a sharp contrast from the R of just a month ago.  Now I really didn't know what to make of this whole thing, but as is my usual, I just went with it.  

I've always known R to be a little intimate in his dance technique; he likes to hold girls close, and make it a little awkward, I think because he thinks its funny.  I remember the first time I danced with R, he had my head on his chest and whispered in my ear, "Did we remember to close the garage door?" and then later, "Did we unplug the toaster?"  I was put off by his humor at first, but had since grown to adore it.  

This night was different, somehow, still.  He was holding me very close, too close, I'd say, if I wasn't so nonchalant.  And it wasn't just a dance or two, or three, we probably danced to a double digit number of songs, several back to back.  In swing dance world, that kind of behavior is reserved for couples. 

Something was up.  Mr. Suave showed up, too, and he and I hit the dance floor as usual.  I was teasing him about what some of the girls were saying about him to me, and he teased me about R finally dancing with me more.  When the dance was over, I didn't know who to end my night with; it was a little confusing.  But since I didn't come here with anyone, there was no obligation to say good night to either of them, right?  Well, I bid Mr. Suave good night, he seemed like he was in a hurry anyways.  Then I just kind of waited for a minute, looking at my phone, until R came up to me.  I guess I intended that to happen.  He asked if I wanted to go get a bite to eat or something, and I agreed.  

We went to Applebee's, and his arm was immediately around me like I was his girlfriend.  But unlike Fidgets and other overly aggressive guys, I was comfortable with R being so aggressive.  He sat on the same side of the booth as me, and had his arm around me pretty much the whole night.  He tried to kiss me once or twice, but I dodged it.  We talked a lot and got to know each other; it felt a little forced, as if we had met on a dating site and were trying to determine if we were really as good a match as the website suggested.  

I couldn't take my curiosity any longer, and he was obviously crazy about me so I felt very comfortable asking.  "You and I have danced together for years, but when I was at Kat's about a month ago, you acted like you had never seen me before.  What was that all about?"  R said he was with a new girl at the time and that his mind was soley focused on her; that's why he paid little to no attention to the other girls around him.  Now that he was single, he was available for me.

I've never felt so worshipped in my life.  I kept thinking back about how I had just written in my journal about wanting to be pursued, and laughing in my head about how this was so over the top.  I'm really hesitant, though.  He clearly has some financial issues, doesn't make a lot of money, and doesn't seem to be as ambitious or intelligent as I'd like.  I struggle with whether or not I'm being to judgmental and picky or not.  It seems like if I have high standards, then the only guys I'm interested in dating aren't interested in me.  The ones that very much want to date me feel like "settling", but then again, if being in a relationship is the most important thing to me, is it really settling?  

I let R kiss me good night.  The next day he wanted to see me already, so I told him I wanted to go read at Tempe Marketplace.  It was the most easy-going "date" ever, we just sat on one of the couches, the weather was perfect, his arm around me, and we read for hours.  I feel really comfortable in his arms.  The next time I went to Kat's, it was with him, and he made it pretty clear I was his.  It made an incredible difference in my dancing, too; he really pushed me and I got so much better just in that short time frame with him challenging me.

I can't quite place my finger on it, but there is something a little lifeless or empty about R; he is a little like a walking zombie but I don't know why.  Still, I find that I enjoy being with him when I let my guard down, but most of the time, I am very defensive, not wanting to hurt him and not wanting to get involved with someone I'm not sure I can handle long term.  He feels it, I know, and we've talked about it a little.  He's agreed to be patient with me and to take it slow.  

Nothing but Excuses

In August 2011 I wrote a journal asking myself who is chasing me.  The journal resulted in me deciding upon my next boyfriend, and we started dating soon thereafter.  The man I shall refer to as Excuses was mentioned in that journal, and I had blatantly rejected him as a viable option, out of the anger and frustration with his constant lame ass excuses.  Now that I am single again, I am once again faced with the question, who is chasing me?  I decided that my next relationship would begin only when the guy is pursuing me, and that I would pursue no one.  I will put myself out there and allow guys to pursue me, that is all.  

 

Excuses is one of those guys.  I have spent weeks putting myself out there, waiting for him to take the bait, without really committing myself to pursuing him - that would break the rules.  I do recall a time when I liked being single because I was hardly ever alone - I juggled open relationships with several guys at once, always mixing it up and never getting bored.  It worked out for the guys involved, too, because I didn't rely on any one of them or wear them down too much; I could always lean on someone else if my first choice wasn't available when I wanted something.  But I realized somewhere in that charade that the only way to feel totally fulfilled would be to actually commit to one person and pursue him.  And since then, I've not been able to enjoy singledom like I once did.  Now, I want to be in a serious relationship, the forever kind of relationship, and I require that the guy meet certain intellectual and entertainment criteria.  I am not as picky about the physical; I blame my most recent ex- for breaking me of my attachment to that.  I am hesitant to let go of my criteria around career ambitions, but I suppose that can be dealt with later.  

As the nickname implies, Excuses is problematic for me because he always has some reason why he can't get together.  Even when it was clear he really liked me, he still had things come up that would prevent him from seeing me, and it was really a turn off.  I'll share my blurb on how I feel about excuses later; for now, suffice it to say that I live by the "No Excuses" rule, so my man Excuses really gets under my skin.    

I've been considering Excuses as a potential boyfriend, like I never really did before.  There were times before my most recent relationship in which I WANTED to like Excuses, but couldn't get over the physical.  I had been that way with my ex- at one point, too, but had somehow gotten over his physique.  Yet I still couldn't get over Excuses', especially because when he took me out, he seemed to slick his hair down in an especially annoying way.  Now, post-breakup, I was imagining the idea of him really diving into the relationship like my ex- never did.  That would be a pleasant change of scenery, even if he didn't have what it took to be my boyfriend.  Still, I want my next relationship to be my last, so I'm very cautious to consider Excuses because I don't like his attitude.  I would certainly require him to move in very quickly, another thing my ex- never did wholeheartedly, and I think it could have saved my relationship.  Ah well.  I'm not sure if that would be enough with Excuses.  We could have great conversations and do fun things together, and maybe being domesticated with him would make other things less important; but I fear he wouldn't have enough money or vacation time to go on more extravagant trips, and I really want someone to travel the world with me as an equal partner, not me being a sugar mama.  

Truly, my recent fascination with Excuses is a direct result of my needing a fantasy to fixate on.  I settled on Excuses because, I guess, the jury is still out on him.  I've made decisions and accepted others' decisions, so many of the men in my life will never again have boyfriend candidacy, but there has been nothing final to say case closed with Excuses.  I've thus played up a fantasy Excuses who sweeps me off my feet.  I've had to protect my heart and remind myself that fantasy Excuses is far from real Excuses, and that the two might never unite.  Still, fantasy Excuses is fun to play with, and to help me get started, I've been playing with the real Excuses via text message.  It's a little sick, but not entirely evil and selfish.  I am, in a way, giving real Excuses a chance to pursue me, if he desires and is worthy.

So, after dozens of innuendo-infested sext messages over a couple weeks, Monday night Excuses hinted that he wanted to do something, and I invited him over.  I wanted to give him a birthday kiss, so I waited for Carly, my dog, to relax a little, and then I grabbed him and kissed him.  It was a kiss that easily places in the top 5 most awkward kisses ever.  It was brief, and we moved on.  We sat side by side on the couch and watched TV and chatted and drank wine.  I took advantage of getting up to pour more wine to then sit closer in a spot where his arm was suddenly around me.  As the night wore on, I sunk more and more into his arms.  I decided it was time to correct my earlier failure, so I turned around and kissed him again, this time much longer and more passionate, but still wholly awkward and unfamiliar.  Then I plopped down on this chest and threw my leg over his, and found the sweet spot of cuddling.  That, alone, made my night.  It was so comfortable laying on his chest, I never wanted it to end.  I buried myself in his chest, not wanting to move but feeling a little silly, and finally lifted my head to talk to him, without moving away from that sweet spot entirely.  I asked him what it was he wanted, and he said he didn't know.  So I left it at that, and we eventually bid each other good night with the first ever good kiss between us.  

Flipflopper Fail and Fidgets

One might think after such a spectacularly perfect night with The Flipflopper, maybe there's hope after all.  Think again, you crazy romantic fools!  The Flipflopper and I have had some nice phone conversations, but when we planned to do something later that week, and he didn't show up, and he didn't answer my text, and he didn't answer my text the day after, and he still hasn't answered me, I gotta say I'm a little disappointed.  I have no idea what that was all about, but I guess that's why I'm not his girlfriend.  Major fail on your part, Mr. Flipflopper.  See you on the flip side!

It is now time I introduce you to Fidgets.  I met Fidgets after not completing a hike I was ill-prepared for at Tom's Thumb in Scottsdale.  I was with a Meetup group for the hike, but decided that they were much too fit for me and I couldn't keep up.  I made it pretty close to the top, but then I saw a big down-up and I was just not interested in that (it felt like Picacho Peak all over again - oi vey!).  So I took some great pictures from the point I had made it too, and headed down.  I was jogging most of the way down, using the corner banks of the trail to slow myself down as gravity pulled me towards the bottom.  It was easily the most fun I've had going down a mountain, and it was all me.  So when I got to the bottom, I felt like I should wait for my Meetup group, or something.  I saw Fidgets sitting on a little wall and asked if I could join him.  

Within minutes, Fidgets and I were talking about what we did for work, and which hikes were our favorites, and what else we do for fun.  He was clearly interested in me (can you blame him?), and without even asking my name, he asked for my phone number.  I hesitated, a million excuses going through my mind that I could give him instead of my number.  But something about his confidence made me want to keep playing.  So I gave it to him, and then waited for him to realize he didn't know what name to tie with the phone number.  I spelled it for him, and I assume he got it wrong, because he has since always texted me using my name short one letter.  I've even corrected him in text, and he still didn't get it.  Doi!  But I'm jumping ahead.  After a little more banter, I decided to call it and headed to my car.  

I scarfed down a Chipotle barbacoa burrito, as is my usual after-hike meal, and drew a bath immediately after getting home.  If ever there was such a type of personality as a "bath person", that would be me.  I could soak in the bath for hours on end.  I sometimes sleep in the bath when I'm having a hard time going to bed.  The bath is my migraine cure, my clear-your-head de-stresser, my me time and my favorite form of relaxation.  The glories of homeownership are nothing if not for the ability to make a complete sanctuary in the bathroom, and that is exactly what I've done.  My bathroom project started with me wanting to fix the tile because it was falling off, but once I had some of it down, I decided to go for it and install a giant whirlpool tub, which then involved modifying the plumbing and ended with a complete custom plumbing job to accommodate my waterfall bath faucet and amazing tile work by the sweetest guy I've ever had the privilege to know, My Boyscout.  I used to enjoy traveling because hotels often have nice bathtubs, but my bathtub is so awesome now that I am homesick whenever I'm in a hotel with a mediocre bath.  I am so spoiled, though, that I found a slight problem with my bath; I would stay in it so long that the water would get cold.  Luckily, there's a heater attachment that My Boyscout helped me install.  The next problem was that, especially in the summer, the water actually got too hot.  Can you believe it?  Again I lucked out, because my boyfriend at the time was handy with electrical things, and he modified a thermostat to turn the heater off when the water was hot enough and turned it back on as it got cooler.  The last accessory my bath needed was a waterproof case for my phone so I can use it in there; I have it now and it's spectacular.  

So it was just after my lunch, as I was soaking my sore muscles in the bath, when Fidgets texted me.  Mind you, this is all of maybe an hour after meeting.  He asked if we could get together that day! I had plans starting around 7:30, so I almost said no, but again, something made me want to play his little game and see where it went.  Call me sick, but I played.  I told him we could meet in the afternoon, and he suggested either coffee or wine.  This is an important detail for later - HE suggested coffee or wine.  I told him I don't like coffee, so wine would be my preference.  He asked where we should meet.  Now, guys, if the girl has to do ALL the work, then you aren't allowed to complain about the arrangements.  And really, if you want to impress a girl, you should take her out to someplace cool based on what she wants to do, not make her figure everything out!  Ok, so I told Fidgets that there was a wine and cheese bar I've been meaning to check out in Ahwatukee, and asked him if that sounded good.  He agreed, and then asked if we could hang out there for a time, because he was worried about driving right after drinking.  I said it shouldn't be a problem we can hang out there and talk for a few hours.  We agreed to meet at 3, and I went back to enjoying my bath.  

I arrived about 2:54, so I wasn't expecting Fidgets to be there yet, although he texted me when he was about to leave and when he was leaving and when he had left (seriously?!?).  I looked around the shop and admired the collection, not only great local wine but some pretty neat craft beer, too.  Before long, I felt silly dilly-dallying around, so I ordered a glass of wine and sat down.  Fidgets finally arrived just after I sat down, and he got himself a glass and joined me.  We talked for maybe 15 minutes, while he gulped his wine down (for all intents and purposes, he chugged his wine).  Then he asked if we could buy a bottle and go back to my house.  I told him I had plenty of wine there, but we weren't going there right now.  He seemed to disregard what I said, and went to pay our tab and then came back and asked if I was ready to go.  

"No, I thought we'd sit and chat for a bit.  I really want to try their cheese plate."  He didn't like it, but sat down again.  He kept urging me to finish my wine so we could go, and when I asked him "go where?" he'd say my place, which I told him wasn't going to happen.  Finally, he asked me why and I explained that I don't bring random guys whom I barely know back to my place, and that he was frankly coming off as trying to get laid.  He acted completely hurt by this, but I didn't buy it for a second.  He insisted that he wasn't "that type of guy", to which I replied that I had heard that before.  He pretended to be so offended that I was bucketing him with other guys who have followed the same pattern.  I told him to own up to it; if he wanted to change my mind then he could sit here and enjoy the day and talk to me and convince me he wasn't like that.  He kept insisting that he was uncomfortable there and he just wanted to get comfortable.  I know what that means, he wants to get naked! 

He then tried a new angle, saying he couldn't possibly stay and have another glass of wine because then he'd be drunk and he wouldn't be able to drive anywhere.  So I proposed we go to a coffee shop so he can have his coffee, and I would drink tea or something.  By his reaction, you would have thought I was proposing blasphemy!  "I can't drink coffee after wine!"  This, too, will be an important detail for later.  The most dramatic part of our evening was when he played up being hurt by my accusation so much that he literally got up, stormed off and drove away.  I just sat there for a minute.  Then I saw an empty table outside, and decided I would move my party of one out there.  

I went up to the counter, ordered another glass of wine and the cheese plate, and then told them I'd be moving to the outside table.  They brought it out in no time, and I started enjoying my peace.  Fidgets just couldn't let it go, and he started texting me all this "thank you for meeting me, it was nice to meet you, thank you for your honesty" garbage.  I had every intention to ignore him, but in the spirit of killing another hour or two, I played it cool, "It was fun, and thank you for the wine.  I'm sorry you felt you had to leave.  And the cheese plate is fantastic."  It took him a minute to reply, and then he asked if he should come back.  I thought of all sorts of nasty remarks, but again, I was direct and sweet, "Yes, I would like that."  

He showed back up after a few minutes, and set his coffee on the table.  Oh yes, there he was, drinking coffee after wine.  Blasphemer!  I couldn't help myself.  I playfully joked about how he couldn't possibly have coffee after wine, and he said he needed it because he was drunk.  "Oh yeah, that's right, that's why we were going to sit and stay here for a while.  Isn't that what you said in your text?"  He then insisted that he had wanted to go get coffee, not wine.  I pointed out that he had given me both options, and that I didn't like coffee.  

He really didn't like me pointing out all his missteps and hypocrisy.  I was enjoying myself immensely.  The conversation went on like this, with the sporadic insistence that we go somewhere, and me shutting him down every time.  Finally, when the cheese plate was gone and I had finished my wine and some water, I agreed to go "for a drive" with him.  I had a feeling I knew what that meant, but decided I would enjoy breaking his nose if he tried anything stupid.  

Sure enough, he took me in his car to a deserted parking lot, parked, and then laid his seat back.  He told me I should too, and I said no, I was quite comfortable as it was.  He started leaning on me and kissing my arm, and I just sat there, talking.  I think I was killing him a little with my, oh what's the word, self-respect?  He then confessed to me how much he liked me, how wonderful I was, how he was attracted to my strong will and ambition.  Valentine's Day was coming up, and he asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day.  A decent date would be nice, I thought.  I told him I'd get back to him.  I asked him what his plans were for the year in terms of travel or fun stuff.  He asked for suggestions in the US, and I have no idea why, but the first thing that came out of my mouth was a recommendation to go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.  He said he didn't like crowds.  But, since he had previously bragged about how much money he has, I said well if you don't mind spending a little money, then you can get a balcony overlooking the street, so you can be away from the mobs of people and still enjoy the riot and see girls flash you for beads.  That piqued his interest; apparently he wasn't aware of the Mardi Gras traditions.  I told him a little more about it, and he said he'd definitely like to go, but only if I accompany him.  I said I would if he paid, since it wasn't in my budget.  He agreed.  

Fidgets asked what I was doing the next day, and I said I didn't yet have plans.  He said he was playing in a Cricket game, after which we should do something.  I told him I'd actually really like to see him play, if he didn't mind.  I knew Cricket games were long, so I said I'd come for the latter part of it.  He agreed it was a good idea and promised to text me the address so I could go the next morning.  So here we were, having met just five hours prior, in a deserted parking lot, making plans for the near future, Valentine's Day, and a trip.  Not bad for a day's work.  Then he started getting a little more physically aggressive, and actually interrupted me while I was telling a story.  Now it was my turn to be offended.  I insisted he take me back to my car, I was done with him for the night, but that I would see him tomorrow at his game.  He put me off, and said 20 more minutes, and I demanded that he respect me.  After a few minutes of this, he agreed and took me back to my car.  There, he asked if he could kiss me, to which I said no, he could hug me.  He just starred at me, shocked, as I got out of his car and walked to the driver's side door.  "Come on, get out, I'll give you a hug," I said.  He looked so surprised, and I gave him a hug, dodged his attempt at a kiss, said good night and drove away.  I was seriously laughing the whole way to my next appointment.  

When I arrived at the party, I looked at my phone and saw I had four text messages from him.  They read as follows:

"Hello lura nice meeting you today"

"I was thought about the conversation we had wile driving you will find better person than me good luck and good bye"

"Thanks for the evening and the valuable feedback you provided to me your just awesome"

"Bye now"

I guess that means we broke up.  Fastest.  Relationship.  Ever.  

I ignored his messages, had a decent time at the party (it was a singles thing, I ended up talking to a gorgeous guy who had just gotten divorced and was clearly not ready to be out again).  I knew I hadn't heard the last from Fidgets, and I was right.  He texted me a few days later, and has continued to text me from time to time.  I answer sometimes, but have not agreed to meet with him again yet.